[rcoreyus]

Yet you are posting his name on a public forum.

Mods: can you please delete the specific names. I really think we want all discussions here to be anonymous. I have no reason to doubt what EmotionsRvalid has stated, but there is no way to know that they are true either.

If a name is used, that post can be found through a google search. Lawsuits, even murder could result.

We really need to keep this forum as anonymous as we can. Already I worry that my postings may give away too much. Everything I say here I believe, but some of it is private or involves private information about others.

[kaylar]

It is pretty obvious you are very angry. Which is good.
You move from grief to mourning to sorrow to depression
to anger. You're on your way to indifference.

The idea that 'people change' is oft used and more often
abused.

She is amoral. She will have sex with other men. He is
enjoying himself. Let them have each other. They
deserve each other.

How can your lawyer so blythly claim she will get the
kids when she is having an affair with a married man?

[EmotionsRvalid]

Thanks for checking me

I took out the names that were posted due to the prudent counsel given. I'm embarrassed that I did that now, I'm sorry. I hope I took it off soon enough as to not hurt anyone. I think I do have some anger going on. I wish I didn't. When I try to find my way out of this mess that I feel it seems to stir things back up. I some how think that stirring it up gets it out of you and allows you to assess what you're feeling, but I sometimes worry that maybe it can drag the process on and on.
I've had so many unanswered questions that just persist. I've asked her, done hundreds of dollars of therapy and she tells me "I don't know why I did it, I'm not sure etc."
Most perplexing to me is usually when I pray about things I usually feel very solid about what to do and it's reassuring. With this in the middle of praying about it I began sobbing deeply and was inspired to pray for patience. Patience. What do you do? I know God loves all his children and wants what's best. In hindsight I see that I've grown tremendously as I've been patient. What else do I need to learn from this experience before I can be at peace? That is what I want to know.

[EmotionsRvalid]

He admitted once to other affairs

I've called and talked to him several times. Once I accused him of having other affairs and he said that he did. Later when I brought it up about having to tell his wife because of her health he denied it. One story, then another. Every one is tempted with ****** things. In anger I wanted to make out with his wife while he comes in. That's WAY foolish and vengeful, not to mention I'd hate myself for doing it. I'd be like them. They just don't get it though. They really don't. My wife walked in while I was on the forum and freaked out because I closed the browser. She thought it was porn or who knows what. I told her I had unanswered questions and that I wasn't getting any answers from her. She then asked who I was emailing. I told her I didn't know the people or where they were from and she seemed OK with it. She told me to write down my questions and she'd write down some answers. I may not know all the reasons why, but I'm hesitant to do that. I just don't trust her. So what if she answers the questions- you know? Her first answer as to why she cheated I think maybe was accurate. She said "It's not like I'm some bad person or something I love him and he loves me. I don't know, it's kinda like a porn addiction or something." I kinda freaked out about it. I knew he was using her. I knew what was going on with him probably better than she did from talking to him on the phone. I didn't want to call it like I saw it but foolishly still insisted that he didn't really love her. To me if you love someone- you're loyal and sacrifice for them. You work through struggles together and their needs are as important as your own. He used her and dumped her twice. That's not love. That's being a player. A married player of the worst kind. Initially it was a lot easier to be mad at him and blame him because I loved her. After talking with him and constructing a time line I can see that she initiated the affair and the oral sex not him. She seduced me when we were dating and I think she likely preyed on him this go around. He has ten years on me and makes more money than I do. I think that motivated her some. She always talks about cars that are $40K+ come to find out that's what he has. I'm still finishing my senior year in college. Having a baby, buying a house and working two jobs so your wife can stay home with our daughter slows you down in school. Not to mention makes it hard to buy a new luxury car. His wife worked to put him through school without him having to work. As well as I've done to accomplish what I have, through the struggles that I've had and all with zero debt except for the house I think is pretty good! We have more than anyone I know that's doing what I'm doing.

[EmotionsRvalid]

Is ****** a bad word now?

I thought ****** wasn't a cuss word any more than dumb, foolish, etc. My bad. What's politically correct for lack of judgment? I admit I do my fair share as much as the next person. Lack of judgment takes a lot longer to type. Oh well.... Lack of judgment.

[EmotionsRvalid]

Kaylar, you're awsome...

Kaylar, I hate hearing what you have to say, but I know I need to hear what you're saying. You remind me of Dr. Laura on the radio. All through growing up I've been afraid of divorce. Especially because of what it can do to children (my friends growing up). When we married she "repented" of everything in her past and I forgave her 70X7. It was hard and took time. Especially hard was sex advice from her in the bedroom. I forced myself mentally to deal with it and with time healed from it. Needless to say that's come undone now. I'm still afraid of what's in store for my daughter. One lawyer was someone I lived next to growing up whose wife cheated on him five years passed and she did it again. She was a stewardess and he of course a lawyer. He advised me to try to work it out with her. That made no sense to me! He'd been there, it failed and he was recomending I make the same mistake he had made. His sons 1st wife cheated on him and he divorced her. His 2nd wife cheated on him after the 1st month and the separated for a month and got back together and have been together since. I talked to this lawyers son who's a friend of mine and he still struggles, but seems kinda OK and happy. This with my answer from a prayer to be patient, and the concern for my two year old daughter keeps me married for now. I know if five years from now she cheat again it will be harder on my daughter and maybe more kids, but I have to wonder. What if she could change? What if we could work it out some how? I feel like I'm "lack of judgment" for even saying that, but I also worry about hurting the feelings of my next spouse with this whole past thing and damage I have from it.

[kaylar]

People deal with adultery differently based on their personal
situations.

I'll give you an example.

Professional is very busy, very caught up in life outside of
the home. In fact, the home is a place to bathe, change
clothing and sleep. The relationship between Prof. and
spouse is very minor in the scheme of things. Hence, if
spouse has an affair it's as important as the dog having
puppies.

Professional doesn't divorce spouse because;
a) hasn't met anyone preferred
b) intertia

Now this is a totally different scenario than you are
facing. Hence advice from Prof. is not in your best interest.

The big deal of 'divorce' where it was 'bad' for children
has been overturned.
All studies have found that the only problem is where
the child blames him or herself for the divorce.
Once the child does not have this guilt, divorce is
better.

You don't want to believe that your wife is continuing
to be unfaithful and will be unfaithful.

You will never get the truth from her or the guy.
What do they owe you to tell you their truth?
They tell you what you want to hear, how to get over.

I can think of a situation very much like yours.

When their son was about eighteen the 'father' found
out, he wasn't.

He had believed the wife's affair began when the
child was five, because he didn't catch his wife until
the child was five. But the affair went on before
the honeymoon, after the honey moon and continued.

He never caught her after because she became more careful.

When they divorced it was remarkable how many men
she had slept with during the marriage...
(she was very angry about him getting a particular
asset and to hurt him, went through her litany.

He wanted to dismiss it, oh no, she's just saying
this to hurt me, but subsequent information proved
that this was a woman who enjoyed sex with lots of
different men. She liked the 'James Bond' aspect
of cheating.

To make it even more poignant, a client of mine
(I'm a lawyer) was divorcing his wife to marry
****ina. I practically got on my knees to beg
him not to, but his mind was made up.

A few years after they were married he wanted a
divorce.

When Courtney Walsh took the 500th wicket his
man's wife 'rewarded him' and told everyone
about it. She was so proud to have gone to bed
with Courtney Walsh!

The fact she was married and living with my client
at the time had nothing to do with this. She
couldn't see the connection, or why her husband
was angry.

[Gia]

To EmotionsRvalid

Check out the Website of: Jeffery M. Leving, Ltd. - Author and attorney that defends father's and men's rights. ...Phone his office in Chicago, he will give you men's/father's rights attorneys in your state. He may also be able to practice in your state. He may have taken the Bar exam in your home state!

Although, theoretically it is not your responsibility to tell his wife, you are all in this together! I personally feel that this wife deserves to know that her husband is having an affair with your wife! Since he is a "smooth operator/smooth talker" as you have indicated, suppose he is "smooth talking and sleeping with another man's wife!!! " You would actually be doing this woman a favor so that she can also be tested for STD's!!!

I would phone her and tell her! Recommend that she be tested for STD's and tell her you were tested so she can gain your support. She deserves this right to know for her own health!!! I am a research scientist working towards my Ph.D in the area of Cancer and pharmaceutical research. I see many sexually transmitted diseases in the laboratory which cause Cervical cancer in woman... this woman has a right to know for her own health!! By you telling her, you may be saving her life!

Also, I would highly recommend that you find your own therapist, (not with your wife) but a Ph.D psychologist so that you can vent to this person and acquire more advice.

YOUR wife will never change! You deserve better!!
My ex-husband cheated and was a PORN addict, I finally divorced him. He kept promising me he would change, he lied (10 years of his lying..caused me to be depressed and a co-dependent!) He lied to me to pacify me and he never did change! These type of people: your wife, my ex-husband are mentally ill pathelogical liars. They need constant attention from extra marital affairs, PORN stars etc...to feed their EGO... they will never be happy in monogomous relationships. Be patient, focus on yourself and your child, and eventually you will meet the right "woman" who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I now focus on my two children, my career, dating men, vacations, my science research etc..

Please note: Father's have rights!! in all states! If you hire a private investigator,one who can document and prove that your wife is cheating on you, bring the documentation to divorce court, find an advocate attorney for MEN's Rights' Father's rights... your wife can lose everything in court for "not looking out for the best interests of her child and exposing her into a volatile situation" (adultry, causes fatal love triangles!)
The court would most likely say: This mother is so "preoccupied" with her extra marital affair, when will she have time to raise her child?? and you can seek sole custody!!!You will not have to pay her child support! You may need to fire your current lawyer and find a Father/Men's rights advocate lawyer. You may be able to obtain sole custody and the house!!!You may even be able to set a precedent in your home state if you hire a private investigator to prove your wife is a cheater! Call this office in Chicago: Jeffery M. Leving, Ltd. - Author and attorney that defends father's and men's rights. ...He will lead you in the right direction!

G-d Bless!

Gia

[EmotionsRvalid]

Mental Catharsis

[quote From Little
But I don't think you should tell the man's wife. It's not your responsibility to do so, but if you do, tip her off anonymously. Like you said, don't give that man any reason to attack you ...

When I posted the "Toads" name even if just for an hour or two, I thought maybe that would be a way to anonymously let the woman whose name means what goes around comes around know what's been going around. I've been told by many people that she needs to know. I don't even know if she knows they had an affair ten years ago. If I were her I would think that I would want to know. Health is the question. My stomach hasn't been "healthy" since I've found out, but I got tested for STDs (Negative on all thank God) and use two forms of birth control since- not to mention far less frequent encounters. For her to find out could either be liberating or a nightmare. I wish I could meet her and see which by talking to her for a bit. One time I was talking to Toad and she snatched up the line and was suspicious like she was trying to bust him. That makes me think she wants to know. Like I said my mother in law whose husband cheated on her and divorced her says to not tell Toads wife-it would complicate things and be more for me to worry about- just worry about us two. (Her daughter and I) I've known about the affair for seven months and laid that whole issue to rest-even mentally for the last two months till this forum posting. What does that tell me? Should I? or does it just mean it happened to come up again? I think Toad has cheated with other women as he has once admitted to me. I wish one of the other husbands would bust him if in fact that is the case. Maybe if it was isolated to just my wife then it's her bad and I'd want to leave them alone....but still. When I found out we separated for a month so I could focus on finishing the rest of the semester. I took the summer off and am back in the middle of another semester and have funding through spring semester. I'm not a fan of school, but either way I need to get it done whether I'm married to her or not. I can't help but think that being divorced when I'm close to graduating would knock me out of the saddle. I also wonder if I'd be better off not graduating while being married because of the alimony issue. Of course she feels entitled because that's how she sees the world. I supported both of us through me going to school not the other way around. Heavy metals are carcinogenic- I think the silver spoon she was raised with spent too much time in her mouth and did something to her head.(pardon my venting it just feels too good and she won't ever hear it.) Man, I wish I could do things over again. I feel like I know so much more now about myself, people, and women. Why are the important lessons in life so expensive and painful when you learn them first hand by error. My parents warned me, so did my sisters. I thought I was strong enough to either take it if it came or better still be all she ever needed so others didn't tempt her. I'm no good at either scenario. The second one isn't me I know. You can't change someone else. You can't ensure they understand you if they won't communicate with you either. We didn't fight or even argue the first two years of our marriage. I thought that was impressive. Turns out it was time delay explosive. When grievances came up she'd change the subject, leave, or three years into it she'd run and lock herself in the bathroom or jump in the car and leave. No heated discussion, yelling, disrespect, nothing- just a disagreement. People are different and have different needs. Of course there will be disagreement. Someone says that it sounds like I never respected her. I did. It's just hard to now in hindsight after knowing so much about her. And yet being left with SO many questions. The other side to that coin is that I was SO confident in my ability to make up for her short comings. My parents are the trust fund mansion types, but I always earned everything I wanted and got myself. I've learned how to work. I can depend on me. I've never had to ask my parents to bail me out of anything. Everything I've ever done I've had success with and am usually made the leader of some kind in every organization I've served. I don't say all this to impress anyone. I could use the self affirmation after all this in expressing it. And I guess it's a thing where optimism has limited effect on the character of someone else. They are in control of their change or lack there of. Seriously, anyone willing to read this long post must really care about people in general to either want to learn about people, help people or something. I respect that. You're my people! Thanks!

[kaylar]

If you were my client I would map it out for you like this;

Begin the divorce now, and take a leave of absence from school.
You want to set your earnings at what you earn now.

Once the divorce is final the wisest thing is to move somewhere
else.

This is to clean out your head from what you've been involved in
for the past how many years.

You can not walk around with all this pain. Being in a new
place with new people who don't know your past, you can
overwrite it.

Eventually when you are you, two or three years from now,
then you go back to school and finish.

As you should be far enough away from her your changes
in status should be kept from her because she might
very well have married you for money and I'm sure you
didn't get a pre-nup.

One of my extremely wealthy clients was getting married
and I forced him to do a pre nup. When he showed it to
his loving bride she was so angry she wanted to call off
the wedding, then, decided to get her lawyer to draw up
a different pre-nup.

By this time he had very little doubt what was going on
with her and his pocket.

One of the things that is so crucial is for you to get your
life back.

The longer you delay the worse it gets.

As to the wife, well she does need to know.
Probably when you go for the divorce you can
talk freely around blabber mouths who will
adore the chance to spread bad news.