[EmotionsRvalid]

My wife of six years and mother of our two year old daughter had an affair with one of her old flames from ten years ago. They admit to having done everything except vaginal sex on several occasions. I obviously in this situation have little trust in either of them. I have tested negative for STD's thank God. He was married and had kids back then and took advantage of her youth.(she was 19) They worked long hours together alone. He told her he would leave his wife for her and basically that she was everything to him and said whatever else made her feel good and important. Her parents had recently divorced and she was in an emotional state.
He was all talk and she left town to escape the situation and rumors. She had other sexual relations contrary to her religion and upbringing between that time and when I met her.
Her past was a real issue for me when I found out about it while dating. She pushed things a lot further than I wanted to go before maraige which I interpreted that she hadn't been exactly virtuous. I found out SOME of her past. I was bothered, but she was so sweet and seemed to care about me a lot. I got over it over time by thinking that she was immoral because of loyalty to crappy guys. If she could be loyal like that to me it wouldn't be a problem.
At this point I've known about the affair and found out a lot more about her past- especially with this guy. I've called and talked to him several times to try to understand and de-escalate my desire to do bad things to he and his. His wife doesn't know, and I don't feel it's my place to tell her. I think she'd leave him and he'd have feelings and motives to further complicate things for me. She seems like an angel and I wouldn't wish what I feel on her. During the time between March when I found out- and now I've undergone incredible personal and emotional growth to avoid sinking into suicidal despair. (BATTLE!) I've never been so hungry to understand people and especially women. I grew up with five sisters and thought I had it figured out. This quest is why I'm on a womens forum! I'm sincerely grateful for being given the heartfelt advice that has come from you wonderful ladies. Especially from Kaylar, Little, and others.
Now what I'd like to know is what should I look for in her to help me decide whether to continue to stick things out and work with her or to divorce? I truly do not wish to go through this again. I had no clue how HARD and PAINFUL this experience would be. I underestimated the feelings that I would have to go through as I knew it was a possibility when I married Heather. I NEVER would have married her had I known the scope of the PAIN thats at times debilitated me and robbed me of so much peace and sleep! I'm grateful for the growth I've experienced, but I also deserve to be with someone who loves me and that I can love, trust, admire, and cherish with all my heart. I know my post is long, thank you for your concern enough to read it!

[kaylar]

Some people are amoral; they have no internal sense of
'right' and 'wrong'. One should never ever get into
any but the most casual relationship with these people.

That she had an affair with a married man; (and pack
and put away all that 'poor little girl' thought), she knew
the guy was married; she didn't care. Lust rules.

You can believe absolutely nothing she says, any more
than you can believe him. Further, I don't know why
you feel keeping his wife ignorant is a swell idea.

You can forgive her 7 x 70 if you like; for trust me,
she'll do it again. With him, with someone else,
because that is how she is.

There is no rehabilitation in this kind of a situation.

The guy can go away for five years. When he comes
back, snaps his fingers, she'll be there.

My view is to go for a divorce, let the chap's wife
know why, hopefully your wife and her husband
will marry and be fabulously unfaithful to each other.

You don't need this situation. It corrupts you.
Like swimming in a cesspool.

[Little]

You seem to be such a strong person who doesn't deserve the pain your wife is exacting on you.
If I were you, I'd tape her talking about her affair, then divorce her in a flash and GET CUSTODY. Let her keep on being that man's mistress if she'd like. But I'm not you.
You have to decide whether this is a MISTAKE or a BEHAVIOR. I am inclined to think it's a behavior that nobody can change; that she's tied herself inexplicably to this married man. Don't let her crying tell you it's a mistake, either. You need to look back on your whole relationship, be bitter for a little while, make a decision and stick to it.
But I don't think you should tell the man's wife. It's not your responsibility to do so, but if you do, tip her off anonymously. Like you said, don't give that man any reason to attack you ...
But realistically, he doesn't need to attack you. He has already made the conquest of your wife; don't give him the pleasure of having a reason to dislike you.
Good luck, and feel welcome to continue to come to this forum to work out any problems that come up for you. We're a nice bunch, I think

[rcoreyus]

Other than the affair (and I know this is a huge "other") how was the marriage.

Whatever you do, your daughter should be your first concern. I'm not saying what way this pushes the decision, but please consider her best interests.

[kaylar]

The best interest of a child is never to be in a contentious
home. Never to be exposed to Adultery, Domestic Violence,
or constant arguing.

All the studies have shown, all the anecdotal evidence has
proven that 'staying together for the sake of the child' is
the worst possible choice.

Getting the child out of a situation, if that means sending
her to a grandmother a thousand miles away, if that means
moving out with the child to avoid the drama, that is what
it means.

Further, there is no reason to 'protect' the adulterers wife.
She should know. You don't have to ring her up, but there
are ways for the information to be transmitted.

[EmotionsRvalid]

Previous condition

I'd say that the marriage was mediocre. She was lazy in a lot of ways- spiritually, physically, sexually, and emotionally. I just pulled up the slack that she left and was happy to have a mate that was attractive and who I thought was faithful. I think I just liked to have somebody who I could have a deep relationship with. In hind sight it seems kinda one sided because I'd share my feelings and hopes etc. but she never really did. I've studied the color code and found out that I'm a blue and she's a white. I've always felt like she acted like a non person. You know, just not a lot of personality. She complains about things a lot and is very negative about you name it, but goes with the flow. The nice side of that is I didn't threatened by her or really like I couldn't do what I like. Don't venture to think that I neglected her and just always did what I wanted to. I was raised to always be a gentleman and be a good provider etc. We went to Cancun when she wanted to, bought a house when she wanted to, had a child when she wanted to etc. etc. She has a nice car w. leather seats power everything and stayed home and didn't work to be with our daughter because she wanted to. What I'm saying is I still get to ride motorcycles and kind of do things my way.

[sourpuss]

Sounds like you don't have any respect for her. From what you'd said, it doesn't sound like you ever had any respect for her from day one. Why would you marry someone who you think you are too good for and you think is less of a person than you are? Did you really expect anything different from her?

[EmotionsRvalid]

Oops my wife walked in...

Sorry I didn't answer fully- she walked in. I love my daughter completely. If she weren't in the picture I'd be a divorced man!!!!!! I know that she shouldn't be exposed to adultery, fighting etc. I've never even argued in front of her. She has yelled at me, slammed doors, called me names in front of her- that concerns me. Our neighbors and her family has always thought she was perfect because I don't rip on her. I've found out that anything I've ever done she's told my sisters. They hate her and don't want to have anything to do with her now. They've offered to beat her up and they're NOT the type of girls to even offer that.
I hope, I hope, I hope she can change but kinda know better. I've heard of rare stories of people who did. I just want to know the signs if there are any of that happening. Whenever people divorce there are regrets of some kind or another.( I'm shivering as I write this-why???) I just want to make sure I do the right thing for my family. I worry about my daughter because I know my wife is all about her (more than she ever was about me) and in my home state the wife always gets the kids and the house. My lawyer even told me that. Two of them I consulted with. I want to be a daily part of my daughters life. I can see her being raised by the TV, daycare, bad men, etc if she inevitably gets custody. I have an email from him admitting oral sex and an apology. I'm handsome, but I'm also big enough to really mess this guy up if I chose too. I requested an admission of what happened and a written apology from him- he even gave it on time. I also told him not to respond to communication from her. I emailed him from her email address and he replied. I still didn't tell his wife- that was part of our deal. This guy is SUCH A SMOOTH TALKER! I've talked to him when I was crushed and he said all the right things ie. it's not your fault, you don't deserve this, I'm SO sorry, my wife and kids will only be hurt if they find out- I just want to make it up to them for the rest of my life etc. My mother in law who I respect and adore advised me not to tell HIS wife what happened.

[sourpuss]

Yet you are posting his name on a public forum.

[Little]

Okay, seeing your reactions like they are, you need to get away from this woman and get yourself in therapy for the good of your daughter. Sourpuss is right; you've just posted his name on a forum, and do you know that in TEN SECONDS I have looked him up, found out what city he lives in and his wife's name? Just on the first website I looked at, and only to confirm that you actually posted a real name. This should be flagged for moderators and removed.
You have a right to be angry, but you have no right to lash out violently against the man when your wife was equally if not MORE at fault.
Forget him. Fight for some form of custody. Kaylar's right; it won't do to have your child in this house with you. Children are much more sensitive than we take for granted; they pick up on "vibes" that you send out, especially ANGRY ones.
Do the best thing for yourself: GET OUT.