[EmotionsRvalid]

Will and can.

I don't make decisions quickly. I don't buy things quickly I sleep on it. I think I'm cautious. This is a huge decision to make. I've made up a rough draft of what I'm going to do. I'm OK with clicking my heels. I am very scared. I've been very scared to do many things that I have gone ahead and done. One thing I'm known for is finishing what I start. Once I commit to something I do it. Completely. Therefore I want to make sure I do this thing right. In my opinion who I marry is one of the most important things I do in this life. I believe in eternal marriage. It's huge to me. I've upheld my end of the vows completely. She hasn't. That marriage is currently void other than legal.
As for why or what mistake I made in marrying her it was all those things and a huge dose of confidence in my own ability to rehabilitate and take up slack in a relationship. I have a self esteem based on my actions, my skills, my values, etc. She's home

[EmotionsRvalid]

More

I've seen other people in similar situations that I'm in now and thought why don't they just act and get it over with. When I think about my own situation I think the same things. I'm not a man who's afraid of action. Most things in life that I fear I assert myself to conquer till there's almost nothing I'm afraid of. My insecurity is that's what it is I tend to believe that it's going to be so permanent. If I can set a good example and do all that I can to teach her by my example then when we do split she's going to be that much more capable to teach my daughter to work hard, to pray, and to love. She will inevitably be having an influence on her life one way or another. Of course initially she'll swing hard the wrong way and be angry, bitter, spiteful, you name it, but in the coming years that'll subside and she'll get an opportunity to think back on things. Maybe? It seems worth a shot. Besides I love having my daughter around to be able to help her grow and learn in the mean time. She is SO SO cute and precious!

[EmotionsRvalid]

A year later

Well, I told Toads wife by calling her up and prefacing that my wife had been cheating on me and her husband was involved. I told her I didn't tell her for a year because I didn't want to hurt her or have her go through what I had been through. She was SO chill about it. All business. Not even surprised. She was grateful I had called. She was about to go with him to some big national gymnastics event for their daughter and had to be brief. She asked if she could call me back later. I said I didn't want to get involved in their relationship, or them etc. that I didn't want to know what happened etc. but if she had any other questions later she could call me. She never called me back and it's been two months. I found out that my wife called him around Christmas to pay him for services he gave her for free during the affair. He was wroth with her and told her never to call him again and that it takes years off his life every time she or I called him after the affair. What's interesting is in talking to Toads wife I asked her if she noticed any special treatment or improvement in Toad around "time". and there wasn't any at all. He promised me he would try to make things up to her because I said the whole time my wife was cheating on me she treated me like dirt and he probably did the same to his wife. The other thing was that the affair started right after his wife found out about another affair with a girl named "Kathy" that he worked with got a divorced by her husband that toad also worked with. That affair was just an "emotional" affair and Toads wife promised and recommitted to her and that all would be better etc. A month Later he was dating and fooling around with my wife! This guy is like you say- amoral. I thought that they were all close and couldn't get over eachother from twelve years ago. I guess that's what my wife thought because that's where I got the notion. This guy is just a creep. My wife has found out about the other affairs and sees things a little more clearly. The problem is, the whole reason she turned to him is her perspective. When we were dating I could do no wrong and everything I did right she'd tell the world about it and cherish in it. Now it's the opposite. That's why she turned to him to begin with. She saw him in the lime light and only talked about and looked for the bad in me. Her mind turned to the point that she began telling me how I was so mean, horrible and treated her badly. She felt that way for years but didn't tell me- just everybody else.
I confronted her and said "be specific- what did I do that was so horrible?" She said "you left to go camping with our daughter and didn't even call me before you left!" (Her mother was sitting there at the time and was chiming in on all of this and telling me how horrible I was and that I was a liar etc.) I asked her mother is that what she told you? It was. I then asked my wife ME "did you know where I was?" HER "yes" ME "where was I?" HER "You were at the church father-son campout." ME "Did you know I was taking our daughter?" HER"Yes, you had to take her because I was working friday night and Saturday morning." ME "Well, what did I do wrong?- what was so mean? How is that treating you so bad?" HER "You didn't call me before you left." ME "are you serious?!!!" HER "YES!" ME "We had just barely ate lunch together and then I left like ten minutes after that to the campout you knew I was going to!- I had just barely talked to you- seen you in person!" Her mom asked was that true and it was. Then her mom went off on her and apologized to me. She didn't ask me to call or anything. She just expected it. You could say I was inconsiderate at worst- but treat her bad? ???? I have a lot more understanding now. I always wondered what happened to make her so bitter etc. Here's what I think it is- it's silent expectation followed by disappointment (naturally). Then she spins and exaggerates her sob story to friends who only knowing what she says validates it and then you've got resentment and support to keep it going. NOW I see why her sisters etc are distant. She always leaves the house etc when she's on the phone w. them and I come in. Or she'll say "oh he's home, I gotta go." Now I think she's tearing me down to them.

[EmotionsRvalid]

I stay for my daughter

I know I'm going to get the "why are you still w. her?!" response. It's still for my daughter. I sleep great because I sleep on the hide a bed. I do fine with most other things because I've grown indifferent. And I just work out at the gym and do things that I enjoy doing now. It's like having a bothersome room mate I guess? If I divorced her then my daughter wouldn't have her there too. It's not all bad, but I am pretty lonely in some ways. I took a ballroom dance class and learned to do a great waltz, swing, and quickstep. (she doesn't dance- I've offered tried etc.) That kind of helped me feel appreciated by women. I seriously committed myself to create demand. I loved having four girls that might be out of my league fight over who got to dance w. me! Ka- zahh! I did keep my standards too. I set ground rules to not be alone w. them. It was good.

[ladyd68]

I have just read through your blog and I must say that I am very impressed with what you are saying. I do see your point of being very angry at your wife and this man who has commited adultry with her. I agree with the other women that at know point should you tell his wife. But, I feel that you are trying to get the sympathy card so that one of these ladies could contact the wife. I might be off on that and if I am I deeply apologize. The thing that I don't understand or that I'm trying to understand is this, you married this woman and you had found out some red flags before the marriage and you didn't put this on hold? You knew this woman didn't alot of the things that a wife should do before you married her but again, you married her. Please don't misunderstand, I don't mean to lecture you or put you down. I feel that because you knew all this stuff about her before hand that you probaly saw this coming at some point and time. Now that it has come, you are wondering what you need to do. Well you have options. One would be you remain in this marriage and put up with what your wife is doing and continue to find forums such as this one to vent or you could divorce her and get joint custody of your daughter and move on. There are other options but, I'm not going through all that. The point is this you need to make a decision and stand firm by it. If your going to divorce her, quit thinking about what its going to look like with her, just do it and get it over with. Quit thinking about what could have beens, if only I would have done or the other verses we think about. After or before get some therapy. This will help you sort out your feelings of being hurt, angry and confused. You need to put your daughter as your first priority, so your sanity is most important here. Whatever you do, don't down your wife infront of your daughter, she is a child and she needs to stay a child. As it was said before your daughters needs come first and she will see how her mother is, just be there for her when it comes crashing down. Most people say that you shouldn't date anyone after you get divorced for about a year. Take that year to heal and get to know you and what your needs and wants are. Again I am very sorry for the pain that you are incountering now, only you can change the out come of the whole situation. I hope that this helps.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

One year on hey....

There is a very big part of you that really needs to be wanted and loved, i guess you have found solace in dancing to at least receive a touch of flirtation that makes you feel special.

I imagine your daughter to, provides love to you and you to her.

What concerns me is the constant living of "toad" and his wife, it is like it is yesterday, so fresh in your mind.. Your so consumed by it.. I'm hoping, that now that you have made that telephone call to her, that you can now, heal there and "let that go", you have to... for your own health and well being.

You are taking great steps to be happy within yourself and find you, gym, dancing things you love.

At some point, I'm betting that you will let go of the other side of the non-existent life you are leaving and move forward in that direction as well.

You are staying because of your daughter, but you will always have rights, as Kaylar mentioned 12 months ago and you will see this at some point and be able to move on.

Your wife is in my opinion, simply a spoilt brat. You have done everything out of your power in your marriage to give her the best that you can and all that she wants, yet, she chose to want more, and more 12 months ago, she thought she could have this man, his extra wealth that he had, but was wrong.

She will more than likely latch onto someone else at some point, for more as she is greedy, she is a "princess".

I hope you are not giving her "everything" any more, and i hope you have a separate little bank account that you are contributing to weekly for future, as you will need it.

When she ventures like a stray cat later yet again, this will be the grounds that you will have to 1) move on 2) be loved by someone properly and 3) have your daughter in your life, as you will have more grounds in which to argue.

Like everyone said in 2007, get, go but you won't.

So no point, telling the same old, you didn't do it then you won't do it now.

Instead, i am just going to say, put some money aside, watch very carefully with your eyes.

Don't let it consume you don't start checking, that's not what i am saying, just keep the thought in the back of your head, which you probably do anyway and be open to the knowledge you already have.

For future problems that i am sure will occur, as she can't help herself...

And, continue doing all the things you are learning and enjoying about yourself and making yourself happy.

CW

[EmotionsRvalid]

Lessons learned

Thanks for your feedback. I'm not looking for any pity, just feedback. Going through all this and dealing with someone who does what she does makes you feel like you're the crazy one. She's been diagnosed w. borderline personality disorder. One of my customers is a recently retired shrink and offered to see her for free. I carefully extended the invitation and she went berserk screaming obscenities at me and saying I was the one who needed a shrink. I know I shouldn't have married her now, NOW I know a lot more. She lied to me and acted like a completely different person then. I also had no idea how badly it would hurt emotionally. I was pretty naive and inexperienced. I think as much as I didn't know her I also didn't know what my needs were. I knew what I wanted-- and she played that role it just didn't last. I also thought I was strong enough to help her or that my strength could compensate for the weaknesses she had. I've read A LOT about spotting red flags. The big thing is that she made all her red flags seem like she was the victim of someone else. That's the biggest red flag in hindsight. If someone can't own their mistakes they will likely
repeat them by not realizing the things that contribute to them. No recognition, no effort, no change. She's made some progress, but it seems superficial and temporary as it's ever been. Things sure don't bother me like they used to though. I also live without any fear of losing her. I do what I feel is best. A lot of the time I wish she would leave me or whatever. I think I hate to be the one to pull the plug for whatever reason. It's just me. I think it would be a lot easier. I've hinted to that but hate the idea of giving up. I have been laying up in store though. Hey I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. I do really appreciate your counsel. The gesture alone means a lot to me.

[EmotionsRvalid]

Red flags in hind sight

You know why we got married when we did? I actually broke up w. her when I found some stuff out about her from my sister who was her room mate. I was working as a mechanic and her car broke down and she kept calling, and needed help and on and on. I was a total chump and rolled with it because of hormones and how I liked to feel needed and help her out. That turned into dating again and things got hot and heavy. In hind sight she was a total predator. Guys (myself back then especially think) "ooh I'm so special/hot she can't resist me- ooh baby!" Some of it was like those scenes where the girl seduces some poor chump. Little boys get off on scenes like that. I was a little boy. After seeing her many sides over the years she was working me. She was using sexuality and playing my good nature to wrap me in. Shame on her and shame on me!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What sympathy? lol.. No truly, it's expressions of thoughts based on what you have been writing.

I note a drastic change though, one of "non love" just putting up with the situation.

Regardless of her "symptons", you deserve to personally be happy in life, we only live one in this body anyways..

Think i'll come back as a man next time, more fun, maybe?

Hope your still going to the gym and doing your thing.

CW

[EmotionsRvalid]

Love to give

I've got the whole fitness thing down as a habit. I've started spending more time w. my siblings too. I took my little sis out for a peticure (she's very preagnant and can't reach her feet!) She's a runner and teaches at two local gyms. she had some serious callouses. I also went fishing w. my brother and took my daughter boating w. another sister. I love taking care of people and bonding. I can't do that w. toadess anymore because it seems to backfire on me emotionally. The nicer I am to her the meaner and more demanding she is.
Solution, invest in other relationships that are healthy. It's cool.
One of my buddies divorced his wife of ten years who also had borderline personality disorder and he wishes he'd stayed w. her because she is so spiteful now. He has to go to court every other month over custody, child support re evaluations etc. She won't leave him alone. He's got four kids w. her. I can see that happening too, but my wife is also very non motivated. I think she'd rather sit home and listen to hip hop and gossip on the phone than go to court!