[EmotionsRvalid]

Thanks Kaylar

I get so excited to hear from you! Some of it is because I lack the real world experience and perspective that you have. I know it's best to have clear set goals and objectives when you're into something emotional and difficult. I have a lot of support all around me, but what ever I say goes to them. If I'm in-they're in there right behind me in sticking it out. If I say it's over- they're all right there behind me in ending it. I've been unclear and all over the place with this and that is NOT like me in any other aspect of my life. This is hard for me. I really appreciate your advice. I feel like a sponge. I've seen other people like this almost like they enjoy the attention. I've thought it was weak or bad. I have felt weak and hurt. It's not a good place to make a big decision from. Having someone to share much needed wisdom with me is a God send! Bless You! I've had a lot of advise. Mostly just opinions with out reasons or just people who said what I wanted to hear because they love me and don't know what else to say. I just really appreciate any advise that comes from the heart and from experience. You obviously have both. I will continue to check up- even if you don't hear from me everyday feel free to ask questions or share anything you may be prompted to. Thanks again.

[kaylar]

I'm a lawyer. I deal with issues like this all the time.

Some people wait too long to get a divorce.
One chap who owned a business was about to
expand and decided to divorce his wife. She
argued over what would prove to be pennies
and he, the fool, didn't settle.

Well the case dragged on, he expanded his
business and she went for millions.
And got it.

The torment he went through having to give her
the millions just was unnecessary.

In your case, you move fast, you turn 'worthless'
for about a year or so, you disappear, and then
you go on to become whatever it is you are going
to become.

She can never get anything out of that metamorphis
because with the two year or so hiatus you have
proven she had no effect on you gaining anything,
instead a deliterious effect.

[EmotionsRvalid]

visitation and family etc.

I have a strong support base of family here where we live. I also have a daughter who I intend to be a father to with or without Toadess in the picture. If I "disappear" are you saying not to take or give visitation? I can't bring myself to do that. My wife's a cheat, and is sure hard to be married too, but I'd still be giving her visitation if I got custody. I know she "loves" my daughter. As far as she understands love to be anyway. I think she's slow to do the right things etc. I just don't think I understand what you're saying exactly. I LOVE the idea of doing the peace corps for a year though? I did serve a volunteer mission in India for eight months and totally loved it- loved the people etc. I don't know, what did you have in mind specifically. Thanks

[kaylar]

I just don't think I understand what you're saying exactly

Yes you do.
Precisely.
The Peace Corp is right on point.

[LadyLane]

You thought your wife was "less than virtuous" and "immoral" when you married her... and she proved you right.

Maya Angelou says that when someone shows you who they are... believe them the first time.

You knew all that is happening now before it ever happened.

Sorry for both of you, and also, I can't understand why you keep in touch with the object of her affair. It keeps it fresh in your mind, tortures you, and nothing good can come of it. In this case, there is no point in keeping your enemy closer. Every time you talk to him is like reliving the first day you found out about what she's done.

And honey, she's a gold digger. You may be mopping floors, but one day you'll be on fries (this means nothing more than I listened to Kanye West tonight!!!) and if she can't stick by you in the bad, why do you want her around for the good?

Don't try to work it out. A wise woman in my life once told me that while a woman can get over a man having an affair, a man will truly never be over a woman having an affair. Call me a throwback, call me unevolved, but I believe this is true. You'll never trust her again, whether she earns the trust back or not.

And I also think they had sex, regardless of what was "confessed."

I also find it strange that you married her because she was pretty and that you referred to yourself as "handsome, but could beat him up" (I'm paraphrasing there). What does what either of you look like have anything to do with love or fidelity? Sounds to me like you took that leap of faith with that pretty little lady because she was a pretty little lady. Tisk tisk tisk.

I'm sorry if this sounds disjointed, but I'm writing stream of consciousness and I really feel like this girl showed you who she was before you were married, she was pretty so you married her anyway, and all you got was an ugly mess.

But I'm betting you've got a beautiful daughter who makes it all bearable.

[kaylar]

Lady Lane brought up a very important point;
you knew who and what she was when you married her.

People paint a picture of their lives, telling half truths
or mirroring the truth, because they have a need to
get 'over' on those who desire to believe them.

For example, there was this extremely shallow
ex model whose whole world was concerned with
how she looked, what she had, and what 'people'
thought.

The girl was selfish, never did a thing for anyone,
greedy, never had enough, and this chappie married
her.

After a while he noticed how selfish she was, how
she always wanted what she wanted, be it food,
television programs, the fan on or off; it had to be
her way.

He couldn't talk to her about anything beyond what
she wanted to eat, where, go, see, and do.

After two years of marriage he's starting to complain
about this, and everyone, her friends, her family are
laughing their head off;

"You didn't notice that?" they said.

No.
He hadn't.

So besotted with her 'beauty", he never really
listened to her, never saw beyond the body and
the smile.

There was no 'change' in the girl, there was no deception,
he just chose to see a beautiful woman willing to have sex
with him.

I think this is the key feature.

I would suggest a paternity test to insure this child is
Emotions child.

I'm not being cruel or presumptious.

A client of mine was livid when I suggested a paternity
test, and he stomped from my chambers. When the
child was sixteen, she towered over him, had none of
his features, was clearly not his, and he finally did the
DNA testing.

She was not his child.

Sixteen years, and this was a stranger.
Yes, he continued to support her, send her to University,
and hid the fact from her.

I don't know the 'end' of the story; I haven't seen him
for eleven years, but if he had it done when she was
a baby his life would have turned out differently.

[EmotionsRvalid]

Sad but very true

I can't deny what you ladies have said. I didn't know everything of her past that I know now, but I new enough to know better. I took a leap of forgiveness and faith that she had a good upbringing and that would kick in. I'm proud of myself that I can do that, but disappointed that I was so blind! I know what I need to do now. I just have fear and anxiety about doing it. I never used to be anxious about anything. Decisions have always been so much easier for me. I feel like I can't do it now because I have finals in two weeks and I'm doing great in my classes. ( I have a new love and commitment to school as it's a beautiful distraction) And I'm registered and paid up for spring semester too. I know Kaylars cringing as she reads this, but I'm turning 30 next month and I'm not done with school. OUCH. Yeah I took two years off to serve a volunteer mission, but I should have been done by now. I also took off to get money for a house, a baby, medical bills etc. I'm not lazy or a slacker it's just there's always something that takes me out of the saddle you know? Help? Advice- even if it's not what I want to hear. I'm not vengeful by choice. I feel the feelings I just don't act on them. What about just graduating and paying whatever I have to to toadess and just keep looking and building myself up up up?

[kaylar]

Fine



Since you have such little time left...just about
seven months, try to get through it as best you can.
cut her out of your life as much as possible, throw
yourself into your work, and when you graduate, go
away.

Keep it to yourself. Just make your plans and graduate
and go away. You need to get away...far away...where
she can't find you to do your reflection.

LET ME BRING EVERYTHING TO A DEAD HALT...

People who go through traumatic relationship issues
often walk into another traumatic relationship issue
if they don't take time to get away from everything
and virtually analyse where the mistake was made.

I can only take from what you post...

You might have been too trusting, you might have thought
'love changes everything', you might have thought she's
different now, or you might have just slapped on the
blindfold.

I don't know, which is no biggie, but you don't know,
which is.

Focus on school, then get away to reflect so that
you don't make the same error again.

[LadyLane]

Why can't you legally separate until you graduate? This way you can begin the process of unwrapping her from your life. Also, maybe Kaylar knows best on the subject, but can a judge make you pay what you don't have?? My cousin's ex-husband never had anything and still doesn't, and he has to pay zero in alimony and hardly a stitch of child support. She's from a well-to-do family so it is okay for her, but the judge couldn't order her ex to pay any more than he had.

You sound like you have a good case anyway. Tried hard to provide, upstanding person, and she cheated and lied and sat on her duff doing nothing to help you get through school or pay bills or whatever. In a make believe world, that would count for alot.

[kaylar]

Can't Let Go


LadyLane
What I see here is someone afraid to let go. He thinks
that everything will change if he clicks his heels three
times.

As he physically can not leave this woman, let him tell
himself he will only stay until after exams.

He will stay until the wife moves the boyfriend in the
bed and tells him to sleep on the couch...even then he
might stay.

A court is guided by the economic situation of the
parties.

A man who has nothing can not be expected to pay
anything. If 'Emotions' is making $500 a week, the
most a court would ask for is 1/3rd of that.

We've been dealing with the economic/social/legal
issue. The truth is, he's still in love with her. He
can't leave her. And she knows it.