[Beccalouise]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 6 months now, and have been friends for almost a year. The stability of the relationship isn't a problem, as we are going to leave it a few months before we get engaged.

Basically, we have recently spoken about getting engaged, more the idea of it. He has said he wants to get engaged within the next few months maybe and I do too. The problem is, he doesn't want to propose. He doesn't want to say "Will you marry me?" as he has no intention of getting married yet. In all honestly, I don't really care if he doesn't want to say "Will you marry me" as I don't have any intentions of getting married anytime soon either, I feel I am too young only being 18 and as my mum has never been married or liked the idea of marriage, I'm not too big on the idea either. He also doesn't think getting engaged is a big deal.

From what I know on his side;
He wants to get engaged, doesn't want to get married, but he has said it's not as if he never wants to get married, he just doesn't want to get married anytime soon (which neither do I). He doesn't think getting engaged is such a big deal and when we do get engaged, he simply wants us to 'agree' on it in a way and not propose in any way.

On my side;
I want to get engaged and I have no intentions of getting married anytime soon, if we plan to get married in the next few years then I'm happy with that. But I'm also happy with staying engaged for the rest of our relationship. I personally think getting engaged is quite a big deal as he means so much to me and getting engaged to me proves that we love each other very much and want to stay together. I personally don't mind if he doesn't exactly 'propose' by asking me will I marry him as we are not getting engaged to get married in the next few months or year or so. But I would like him to make sort of a deal about it, maybe planning something nice whether it's a nice evening in or out for a meal or something and then proposing in a way without asking me to marry him.

I have tried talking to him about it and I know he loves me as much as he says he does and we are very happy together (we're also hoping and trying to get a place together soon), so it's not as if he wants to get engaged just for the sake of it.

How can I talk to him about this? As I said, I don't mind if he won't properly propose, but I'd like him to make some sort of deal about it as it's something that means a lot to me and I want it to be special. I'm quite confused

[Claret]

Given all you've said about not getting married then What is the purpose of getting engaged? Getting engaged is a prelude to marriage, it generally means that you each pledge to each other that you want to spend your lives together and will be getting married in the future. It is more than a level of commitment which you could provide each other without getting engaged. What does it mean to you?

[Beccalouise]

It means the same to me also. I wouldn't want to get engaged without any intention of getting married in the future, but if we do want to get married in the future, it won't be for a good few years.

[Claret]

But you've already said he doesn't want to ask you to marry him.

[Beccalouise]

From what he has said to me, he doesn't want to ask me to marry him because we are planning on getting engaged within the next few months, and aren't planning on getting married anytime soon. It's not that he doesn't want to ever get married, just not anytime soon.

[rcoreyus]

I may be old fashioned (actually I am), but I thought it was "engaged to be married" - it is basically a public statement of an intent to marry in the near (<1 year) future. Its fine if you don't want to be married, but then I don't see the point of being engaged .

[Stillness]

I have to agree with rcoreyus. If you stay "engaged" for the rest of your relationship, that isn't really engaged. It sounds like what you want is more of a commitment. Maybe that's what you should discuss so you can be clear on what you both want.

[Beccalouise]

I do actually want a commitment, but I do want to get engaged to him. I'm all for getting married in the future, I actually really like the idea of it, but I don't think I want to get married until we're in our mid - late twenties or so.

My main problem is that my boyfriend doesn't want to exactly propose when we get engaged. He doesn't want to get down on one knee and ask me will I marry him, the getting down on one knee doesn't bother me because I know a lot of people have proposed without doing the sort of cheesy getting down on one knee. That's just my opinion, but the main reason for this post is to help me try and talk to my boyfriend so he understands that getting engaged to him is a big deal to me and very special, and I want him to think of it that way too and not just 'i'm buying you a ring and getting engaged'.

[Stillness]

I think it's a big deal to. For me the reasons why are very clear. You probably need to figure out what those reasons why are for you. The proposal is the tip of your desire. What is the root? What does it mean for you? Why is it important that your man do that? Once you figure that out, that's where your discussion should be to make sure you're on the same page.

[Pollon]

Words: "Will you marry me?" Translation: I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you please spend it with me?

Words: "We are engaged." Translation: We are planning on getting married and spending the rest of our lifes together.

Your words: "I do actually want a COMMITMENT, but I do want to get engaged to him." Translation: You want him to make a commitment to you.

His words: "I don't want to ask you to 'marry me'" Translation: I'm not ready to commit to you.


Sweatheart, you are playing games with words and your life. You want a commited relationship. Putting the word "engaged" on it and living together like husband and wife is NOT a commited relationship. Please don't pretend that it is.

Your boyfriend is very clear that he will not use the words "Will you marry me?" because he isn't ready to make a commitment to you.

He may be willing to put the phony label "engaged" on your relationship, pretend that that "engaged" doesn't mean "engaged to be married" and he is willing to live with you because he gets all the benefits of being in a commited relationship without making any commitment.

All of your labeling games don't change the fact that he isn't ready to commit. That's not a crime. You are both too young for that kind of adult decision.

Try to enjoy and grow the relationship. It might takes years, but when he is ready to commit to you, he will propose properly.

Good luck