[Euphoric]

Sp,

I totally get what you’re saying and I don’t view your voiced frustrations as sounding grumpy. What one person views as “a little thing” is “paramount” in the eyes of another. Unfortunately, it is very often the “little things” that add up and become the catalyst that lights the fuse. It’s unfortunate that in some relationships things come to a head and burst. Sometimes it is only after major damage is done, (separating or divorce) that the light bulb comes on and things are viewed more objectively. (And, no, I’m in no way suggesting you take such drastic measures, this is merely an observation that I have witnessed several times with many couples.)

Yes, your husband is depressed and admits it, but that doesn’t give him a free pass to be a slacker. As stated above, children learn by observation. I agree with delegating children certain chores (age appropriate, of course). That said, allowing them to view you as “wonder woman” who is responsible for supporting the household, financially as well as physically, while hubby stays on the computer and allows television to occupy their time isn’t doing them any favors.

I don’t agree with setting a time limit for homework and whatever doesn’t get done is just too bad. I don’t know how old your children are, but both of mine are in high school. Sometimes they come home and have very little homework, and then again, there are many times when they come home, grab a snack, and work diligently for several hours before their assignments are complete. By that, I mean they aren’t listening to the radio, watching television, and playing video games while doing snippets of work, they are putting forth a lot of effort, which pays off by the grades they receive. My husband and I do not place unreasonable demands on them. Our motto is: “Do the very best you can, and as long as you do that, we’ll be pleased.” Of course, we view their education as a priority.

Your frustration isn’t because of how he executes a task, it’s getting him to do said task without having to ask, beg, and/or nag. You need him to take the initiative and step up to the plate and swing.

I’m not sure how to motivate him. Refusing to provide quality, home cooked meals for your family because he won’t clean afterward is counterproductive. I’m sure you’ve already approached him to compromise: I’ll cook, if you’ll do the dishes.

From this post, as well as a few from the past, there are underlying issues with communication. I can’t help but think he feels “emasculated” because you are the successful “bread winner” and his pride has taken a hit. This may sound bad, and honestly I hope it doesn’t, because we shouldn’t have to inflate our spouse’s egos to get them on board with pulling their fair share of maintaining a household, but there is more to maintaining a dwelling than paying the bills. That is true for all households, be it a stay at home mom or dad, and as a relationship where both partners work, regardless of income level. It is the effort put forth and I don’t think your husband fully understands that concept.

I wish I could offer you more words of wisdom, but this issue is derived from his lack of motivation.

Thinking of you,
Euphoric

[Trixareforkids]

I really don't mean to attack but rather to try to enlighten. Your expectations have nothing to do with reality and that is the issue you need to deal with. Your expectations are driving you as (or more) nuts than the unequal work load. No domestic relationship is equal because we all have our own expectations and ideals of what's right and fair. His standards obviously differ from yours, since you are the one with the higher standards, the responsibility for maintaining those standards falls to you. I get that you share a house and children and are in a partnership, but partnerships are not equal, we each do what we excel at and in great partnerships those things are not the same but compliment one another so that everything that needs to get done actually gets done. You feel more is needful than he does, so therefore you feel your needs are not being met or are being ignored. Maybe try starting a conversation from that frame, your feelings of neglect, because it's not about the dirty dishes it's about how the dirty dishes make you feel.

I also think that maybe that's what we mean when we say let go of the little things. Really if the dishes aren't done until there are no more dishes to use because you spent that time in talk/banter/activities with your family will you really regret having waited to do the dishes? And at that point it could possibly be a whole family activity "ok gang, we're out of clean dishes, if you want to eat come help clean them up". You can be less stressed if you let yourself be and if you are feeling neglected that should be discussed with your husband and possibly even on a smaller scale with the kids (so they know it's not really JUST about the chores) before the feelings fester and turn to darker ones which then come out in your treatment of your loved ones.

[jen1447]

because it's not about the dirty dishes it's about how the dirty dishes make you feel.

To disagree slightly, some people really do have issues with cleanliness. My mom is like that. When dinner is done, by god we're doing the dishes, now. That's not a problem for me as a guest because we can just do the dishes and then I leave later, unlike somebody who has to stay and fight that battle day in and day out (from either side - dishes hater or dishes lover). So sometimes it really is just about the dirty dishes, not just that a partner who is reluctant to do them or help do them in a timely fashion might be ultimately unresponsive to your needs and desires. Dirty dishes are just offensive to some people in and of themselves.

[Trixareforkids]

Jen I know what you're saying, my MIL is that way and when she lived with us we did dishes right after a meal as it really bugs her. In this situation however, from what she's said, that's not the case. It seems to be more about his not doing an equal share and her having to do more than she feels she should. I'm all for all hands on deck but it's all about perception. My husband works anywhere from 50 to 70 hours a week but he still does the laundry on his day off, 95% of the yard work and home repairs, occasionally he does dishes and sweeps or mops. I do child care, all the errand running and all the rest of the household chores. It's not equal in some people's opinions and occasionally not even in our own depending on how tired one of us is, lol. It's all about the perception of how valuablably our time is spent. What has "more" value raising a child or earning money? More often than not the dollar wins in value assessments of most people (not for the hubby and I) and this leads to the thought process that the higher dollar earner's time is more valuable and therefore they have credit that they use to avoid household chores. Add to that the differing ideals of cleanliness and we end up here. That's why for me this situation comes down to feelings. She feels undervalued and rather than being able to spend her time on more needful or joyous pursuits she's stuck doing chores that could/should be shared. Scrubbing a tub or toilet while others are engaged in more enjoyable tasks is a recipe for feeling neglected. That's my thought process anyway.

[Stillness]

The way it works for us is that whomever it annoys first cleans it

That's cool if both are annoyed by a fairly equal amount of stuff. There has to be some kind of balance, though. Otherwise that rule will allow the person who has the tolerance to mess of Oscar the Grouch will make the other one a slave.

[atskitty2]

I think for sp, with this post and her others, there is a fundamental disconnect in her marriage that probably could benefit from an unbiased professional opinion to help them sort it all out and improve the situation. There seems to be a disregard or misunderstanding of and for her needs and wants in many areas.
Obviously we don't hear his side, but I think they need some help or this could spiral into a very unhappy, dysfunctional and unhealthy place if it isn't already.

[Trixareforkids]

That's cool if both are annoyed by a fairly equal amount of stuff. There has to be some kind of balance, though. Otherwise that rule will allow the person who has the tolerance to mess of Oscar the Grouch will make the other one a slave.

I think it comes down to actually knowing a person before you get into a long-term relationship with them (and most definitely before having children). I don't understand how people can move in together or worse get married without knowing the other's personal habits. A Ms. or Mr. Clean who commits to a LTR with an Oscar the Grouch knew what they were getting, expecting someone to change their basic habits to meet yours to me is more wrong than unequal chores. You are denying who the person is and then getting mad at them for not being something they never purported to be. It reminds me of a line from my favorite movie, "you shut me out of your life and then blamed me for not being there".

This is not to say that some people who previously did chores do not take advantage of another's more manic need to have things done, I know that happens, but I think it is more often a matter of changing (or unrealistic) expectations. Expecting someone to do something that they previously showed no inclination to do, does not obligate them to do it nor does it make it unfair when they do not in fact meet your expectations. This is also not to say that you cannot negotiate in a relationship, but it HAS to be an actual negotiation where there is give and take. For instance, if the cleaner partner has become overwhelmed because of children (that did not exist at the start of the relationship) or increased work hours and can no longer maintain the house to their standards, it's time to sit down with the partner and really go over everything. The cleaner person can make a list of all they feel needs to be done and the less exacting partner would then to go through the list and mark all the items that hold no importance to them. For a "fair" distribution of labor you have to be working from the same list. Items that aren't on that agreed upon list would fall to the one who finds them important to either do or ignore as they see fit and with the understanding that doing them is not being "put upon" but is being done for their own internal well being.

If there were a large discord in what the couple felt was necessary I believe that would speak to the general relationship of the couple. Of course I also believe that people enter LTR without really discussing it at all, setting themselves and one another up for a lot of unnecessary hurt. Domestic skill sets and attitudes, financial health and plans, attitudes on children and child-rearing, expectations for time spent together and apart, as well as sexual proclivities, these are the things that make up a LTR and most people don't discuss them until it comes to a confrontation because one of them is unpleasantly surprised by the other's attitude, behavior or failure to meet the other's unspoken expectations. THIS is why relationships fail, because people project their own values or attitudes onto others, sometimes even in the face of contrary evidence, then feel as if they've been wronged.

[Something_Awesome]

He does help out, just not consistently.

Asking nicely seems to just get ignored
Nagging works, but not by much
Guilting him works a little bit, but only lasts for that one day
Bribing doesn't have an effect.
Talking works like guilting, only lasts for that one day.

I am out of ways to ask. I get fed up and just do thing myself which then makes him even more reluctant to do anything. I am so tired. My day is spent working or doing household stuff. I get an hour relaxing time per day. Sometimes even that is just watching TV while folding laundry.

Stroke his ego.