[polly95]

hi rcoreyus, but i said "but he never yells at me and always gives me freedom except for the massage therapist." bfs that were my age yelled, but not hubby
its true he is a lot mor e mature than me. but i trust him and he is the only male i ever trusted. exbfs were rough and hurtful with their hands and voices.
i agree that hubby goes too far with being worried about my arousal from being around boys. but when he left for work one morning he said "think of me with your finger fun" so he is nice about that and ok with 'that' topic.
it is like father-daughter maybe but mum was single when i was born so not sure of what father-daughter is really :/

[Stillness]

I wouldn't want my wife going to a masseuse either - even a female one. I don't like people touching my woman.

I do feel that a husband and wife have the right to make reasonable demands on one another. I also wouldn't like my wife to be having regular and frequent social contact with another man one on one. I give her the same consideration. Even when we're going to be working closely with someone of the opposite sex, we tend to let each other know. No one is going to interfere with our unity.

If you feel uncomfortable about the neighbor's intentions, you could make sure that you're keeping the conversations from getting too intimate or direct them towards safe things, like your husband. You could let your husband know about the conversation too.

The age gap is nothing to me. In my eyes, two people the same age can manipulate and use one another. If you marry someone you commit to care for and love them. The age doesn't matter.

The only thing that I personally find humiliating and invasive is the genital checking. But it seems that you're uncertain. My wife actually did that to me once a while ago when she had gotten jealous unnecessarily. I made it clear that I was not to be touched in that way and it never happened again.

[rcoreyus]

One of the interesting things about this site is finding out how much difference of opinion there is on things that seemed obvious to me.

[polly95]

I wouldn't want my wife going to a masseuse either - even a female one. I don't like people touching my woman.

I do feel that a husband and wife have the right to make reasonable demands on one another. I also wouldn't like my wife to be having regular and frequent social contact with another man one on one. I give her the same consideration. Even when we're going to be working closely with someone of the opposite sex, we tend to let each other know. No one is going to interfere with our unity.

If you feel uncomfortable about the neighbor's intentions, you could make sure that you're keeping the conversations from getting too intimate or direct them towards safe things, like your husband. You could let your husband know about the conversation too.

The age gap is nothing to me. In my eyes, two people the same age can manipulate and use one another. If you marry someone you commit to care for and love them. The age doesn't matter.

The only thing that I personally find humiliating and invasive is the genital checking. But it seems that you're uncertain. My wife actually did that to me once a while ago when she had gotten jealous unnecessarily. I made it clear that I was not to be touched in that way and it never happened again.

so true, i can see why hubby is concerned about massage, cos he has massaged me and my thighs being touched are my fav thing for starting gasms. and massage therapists do thighs. hubby likes lesbians so thats probably why he is ok with me still going to a female therapist.
hubby did not really admit to checking me for arouse but he fingers me just after i come back from talking to guys. but if i talk to girls he does not finger me when i come back etc

One of the interesting things about this site is finding out how much difference of opinion there is on things that seemed obvious to me.

yep! and if i asked people offline then i would be nervous about if they might embarrass me but much easier to ask people online cos being being the computer makes me feel safer about the advice

[jen1447]

I'll side with the "don't like the sound of this" crowd here, with some other concerns ....

Are you and/or your husband aware that his 'checking' of your vagina without your consent is a borderline felony criminal offense? I say borderline because the permission part sounds cloudy (it sounds like you didn't really say no or tell him to stop), but sexual assault is almost always a felony. That means he could go to jail for doing that.

From the common sense and decency point of view, him being your husband in no way gives him the authority to do that or have some sort of 'full' access to your body at all times. I wouldn't tolerate that in practice or even a hint of that attitude if I were you, polly.

[rcoreyus]

Jen, sadly we seem to be a "crowd" of two. I really hope more people will chime in. I may just be overly sensitive to any hint of "control" in marriage - which I take to be a equal and mutual arrangement.

That said, I'm not sure about the "felony" part. I think (and I think it is reasonable), that if you are married, there is a sort of implied consent IF (and I stress IF) you don't object. I fell that it is OK for me to come up behind my wife and grab her and start kissing her on the neck, and perhaps other things, as long as she doesn't indicate in some way that she wants me to stop. That would clearly be assault if I did it to some random woman.

That said, I would not tolerate any sort of "control" in a relationship. "Agreement" is fine, but to me that is a different thing. If a couple "agrees" on what contact each can have with others, that's perfectly OK. Its when one is "told" what contact they can have that I worry.

[atskitty2]

maybe its a silly question, i might be just paranoid because my friend's boyfriend undressed me without my consent, so i'm being careful now

I've been pausing rcoreyus, trying to decide what to say here. There are definitely some boundary issues with Polly (in my opinion) and any number of other potentially unhealthy dynamics to this relationship.

Reading her other posts, there just seems to be something under the surface that isn't quite right.

The age difference in itself, doesn't bother me, BUT, there are so many things that this could indicate. Didn't she say somewhere that he was her teacher? Maybe I'm wrong on that...
So much here.....

[rcoreyus]

atskitty2 - you are right to pause and think. I tend to just post whatever I'm thinking at the moment. (I talk like that too ---- not good). Things may be fine, but something here is spooky.

[Stillness]

Jen, sadly we seem to be a "crowd" of two.

kitty makes 3 and I'm 4 with the genital checks and the workplace sex.

I do think that we should be careful not to impose our standards or what we think is the ideal on others, though. The fact is that while there may be a certain equality in many marriages, there is nothing that says it's required in every single aspect. If one mate is much wealthier, more experienced, has a greater intellectual capacity, one mate is caregiver to the other, or a number of other factors, there can be a degree of inequality. Some of that is going to exist in every marriage at some point if you're together long enough.

With him being twice her age and her former teacher, it's to be expected that theirs will not be a marriage of equals. That doesn't mean that it can't be loving and fulfilling.

[rcoreyus]

Was he her former teacher - I missed that. (more warning bells going off in my head).

On party being wealthier should not make a marriage unequal - in a marriage everything should be shared. Who had what before shouldn't matter. My wife was a lot wealthier them me when we married, now 25 years later I make a lot more than she does. It doesn't matter at all to us we just pool our money and share.

Partners in a marriage can be different, but an overall unequality really bugs me.

That said, people are free to live their lives as they wish. And I'm free to worry when they don't live them the way I would - which may be a sign if my not respecting other people's decisions....