[horsyluvr]

We have been dating for a year and 2
Months. On April 4th, he proposed and I said yes. He just told me a few days ago that he's been drinking everyday for the last few days and smoking weed with some old friends. When we first started dating he told me he did it once in a blue moon. (So I thought like 2x a year.) no. He did it 15x while we've been dating. I told him I'm more mad at him for not telling me sooner.
Although my major is criminal justice
and if I become a cop my husband can't be doing that. I also told him because of that and if he doesn't think we can learn to communicate a little bit better (he admitted he's never been good at that) then we aren't going to work. From what I'm told most of marriage is based off of communication. So he says he will come to me on his birthday like we planned (April 27th) and talk about it then. (We live 1 hr away from each other. I met him while I was in the military. I just got out and moved back with my family.) what do you think?

[effy2014]

Communication is everything to a marriage. Relationship communication can be learned, but only if your fiancé is willing. You are correct in thinking that hiding his drug use is the more important issue.

More to the point, have you discussed why he has been drinking and smoking more often? If there is an issue, maybe the two of you can work out the underlying problem. If not, don't expect him to change his habit anytime soon.

[horsyluvr]

He says he has a problem communicating and showing emotion like that. I told him he should feel like he can come to me with anything and that I want this to work. He also says he has skeletons in his closet that have to do with stupid stuff he did in high school that he isn't proud of and it's in the past so he doesn't want to talk about it. I told him I'm not going to try to make him talk about it if he doesn't want to. He thinks smoking weed like this is part of him because he likes to live on edge (he's also a volunteer firefighter). But to me smoking weed is something he does, not part of who he is. I fell in love with everything else that I did know about him (not knowing all this until recently).

[Stillness]

If someone told me that they smoked weed once in a blue moon and I found out that they had done it 15 times in 14 months, I would not feel deceived.

[Pollon]

Yes, communication is very important. However, verbal communication is not everything.

You are dealing with two important issues related to the substance use:

One is a "values" question. If he is telling you that he thinks there is nothing wrong with it while you think otherwise, you have a problem. If you expect him to give it up because you think it wrong and it causes problems for you he has three options. Refuse, quit or go into hiding-as he's done to this point.

Claiming that "smoking weed like this is a part of him" is a way of saying,

"If you try to make me stop, you are rejecting ME."

In other words, he's done a bait and switch on you. He kept this "part of him" from you knowing you wouldn't approve while allowing you to fall in love with the "rest" of him. Now he's setting you up to be the "bad guy" by tempting you to "reject" him because of this "little" part of him. You become the "judgmental" one.

This is the kind of justification and manipulation that "users" do to keep doing what they want to do without regard for how it deceives and hurts others. If you continue the relationship, he gets to continue something you find unacceptable while he gets to say, "You knew who I was when you married me" whenever you bring it up in the future--like when you have children.

If you have children with him, you will need to be able to explain to them why you let daddy do things that you arrest other people for.

The second issue is one of poor emotional and coping skills. He's got skeletons he may be using pot to keep away. I would bet serious money that he's been smoking regularly since he was a teenager and he is smoking more than the 14 times he claims. I'd ask his friends, siblings and parents before taking his word for how much he smokes.

I'd guess his smoking has been how he's dealt with stress and life for a long time. As a result, he doesn't deal with life particularly well. Is he motivated to pursue his dreams? You're pursuing yours. Does he have a similar level of ambition coupled with action or is he just talk?

The regular use of weed dulls the senses as well as motivation. The user lives in a fog and now needs to "live on the edge" just to feel anything.

Given that he lives an hour away, how much time have you really spent with him? If you are apart that much, what is he doing with his free time? Is he "partying" with friends regularly?

A path out of substance abuse is learning to be fully "known" to someone so they have a place to feel safe. If you love him AND are willing to work this through with him, then insist that you get some professional help to work through his skeletons and his substance use and reach an understanding on your mutual values BEFORE you get married.

I'm sorry to cast such a negative light, but you don't want to find yourself doing your "due diligence" AFTER you're married.

Good luck

[horsyluvr]

No, I believe you. He did tell me he was adopted and there are things that for my safety he doesn't want me to know. I do wonder why he went through the trouble of getting a ring and proposing if he knew I wouldn't approve of this. I told him I was willing to help him but I can't make him do anything. I was with him on a regular basis for 7 months out of the 14 months. Once I moved back home I've been seeing him once every 2 months or so. I have his best friend's number but I don't really want to snoop. He stated he knows he shouldn't be doing it but does it anyway.

[DreamP346]

I think Pollon is right on. He's doing a bait and switch. The thing about saying he smoked 15X is not really telling all. Was it he smoked 15 joints or was it 15 sessions of getting totally stoned that could have been for hours or even days. I also find it troublesome that he told this to you after you accepted his proposal.

Has he said he is willing to stop? If you do become a cop, he cannot do this, AT ALL. You will be in a very difficult situation if he does. Additionally, he also can't associate with people you KNOW smokes weed.

[horsyluvr]

I told him I can't have him smoking weed when I become a cop. And he can't become a paid firefighter.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It sounds to me that he is very insecure as a person. That he has to smoke weed with his "mates" to look tough be one of the boys. He doesn't sound as if he can stand on his own two feet.

On the other hand, he's opened up by telling you he didn't have to.

But then you only live 1hr away and he is going to basically wait 2 weeks to talk to you face to face?

If there are things he doesn't want you to know for your own safety, that doesn't sound very good and as such I would be making sure I know what that is so I could make a management decision about my life, as it is your life. It sounds as if he surrounded himself with the wrong crowd and maybe has some enemies out there as well.

He needs to seek help to find himself. We all have problems with our past things we wish were different, hurt and pain even. It's not an excuse to drink and smoke to ease that pain, the key is to get help to realise it and let it go and move on with life.

I am worried about

there are things that for my safety he doesn't want me to know.

Your career is what you love or else you wouldn't be going down that track. You can't afford to lose it because you fell in love with someone that can't help himself.

Again, 1hr is not far, 2 months is a long time and when problems arise in a relationship, you find a way to see that person within a few days to discuss things.

Perhaps he has put a ring on it, to ensure you don't leave him given you only see each other every 2 months or so now.

[Motorguy]

I told him I can't have him smoking weed when I become a cop. And he can't become a paid firefighter.

You think, on that be sure he doesn't get call to come put a fire out at my home greez.