[SpicyV]

About 8 years ago my now husband and I where fooling around and talking about secret desires. At this he told me he wanted to have an open relationship. Needless to say the mood for me got killed really quickly. I thought that it was him wanting to go out and have sex with other people because we didn't have a very active sex life. It took a lot of quick thinking and reassurance from my husband to keep me from leaving right then. He would come back to the topic every so often and explain that it wasn't about him going out but out us getting what we need out of our relationship and having some fun on the side. I was very very very skeptical. Well after years of discussions, me trusting that he wasn't wanting to leave the relationship, talking about all kinds of what if possibilities we came to and agreement. So to make a very long story shorter last year we decided to each try and meet someone and see what happened. If either one of is was uncomfortable then it would go no further.


Well a year into it we are happier than we have ever been. I didn't realize how unsatisfied I was, how much getting to meet new people and make new friends has helped us. Surprisingly I go out a lot more than he does. I have a couple of people that I see regularly. Sex isn't always involved, it is just getting out and feeling that spark and excitement of something new.

I am sharing this here because it isn't something that we share with people. We love each other and many wouldn't understand that we are amazingly happy.

I am hoping to get some conversation going with anyone that has questions or has a relationship similar to mine. So if you have questions ask.

[effy2014]

Ok, Spicy V. I will take the bait.

We were having this discussion in a different thread a few days ago. I am in a very emotionally connected relationship in which we have a very active and varied sex life. We have many questions here about brining a third person into the bedroom to "spice things up." I do not understand how it makes a connected relationship stronger. As I wrote: My view of intimacy in a connected relationship is what leads to my conclusions . . . I've never looked at my SO's naked body and thought "oh, that old thing again." We experiment all the time together. Boredom to me is another word for laziness and always striving for the "new car smell" of a new relationship seems shallow. If I take away the emotions involved, the physical sensation of an orgasm (assuming the same method is used) does not vary much, if at all, between partners. After seeing a very good looking man check out my SO and telling her about it, she said unequivocally that the thought of another man touching her made her sick. Makes me sick thinking about it as well.

Here are my questions: Why couldn't the two of you have an active sex life together . . . what was the emotional need for different partners? Do you talk about your other lovers with him? Has there ever been jealousy that you go out more than him?

I view it this way -- I am in love and very connected to my SO. We have great intimacy. But tonight I am going to bang the neighbor's wife and her husband is coming over to bang her. What is that feeling and why is it there? What does that accomplish that couldn't have been done within the relationship? How does it make the relationship stronger and how can it not make it weaker?

[SpicyV]

My husband suffers from clinical depression. Sex for us happens very seldom because his sex drive is greatly effected by it. We are far from lazy about our relationship and there has been no jealousy on his part about me going out. My husband and I are connected when we do have sex but we have sexual desires that we can't fulfill for each other. He is also my best friend and I am his. We tell each other everything. I am also in love and very connected with my husband and him with me. I don't know what point your are trying to make.

[jen1447]

I don't know effy, Spicy sounds like the perfect case example of how open marriages work (even if you don't understand the particulars yet). Living, breathing proof.

Spicy, I'm glad you've found this happiness in your marriage. I'm in a semi-open relationship in that I sleep with other women, but the BF is 'faithful.' Not quite the same as you really but there are generally like-minded people out there. Welcome.

[SpicyV]

My husband has only been with another woman once. Not to sound inappropriate but I want sex a lot. At this point I think he suggested the open marriage more for me than for him. Even after a year I double check to make sure he is ok with me going out. He know that at any point he can say no. The only real rule that we have for each other is 100% honesty. If he asks for details about what happens he gets them. I think that is where a lot of couples go wrong. I know one other couple that has an open marriage. They do not talk to each other about any of it. It's more like each of them is having an affair. I also go out once maybe twice a week.

I totally understand that what we have chosen to do isn't for everyone. I don't expect it to be. It works good for us though. We love, care for and respect each other. I think that above all else is the most important.

[effy2014]

I don't know effy, Spicy sounds like the perfect case example of how open marriages work (even if you don't understand the particulars yet). Living, breathing proof.

Not exactly, but it the closest yet. In the two examples, Kira and Spicy V, there is a sexual deficit in the relationship. Not an emotional disconnectedness, but a physical one. Both men have sexual issues and the reason for the open marriage was the man's desire for his partner to be sexually fulfilled. Kira found it difficult to have sex without some emotional connection, not sure about Spicy V.

[effy2014]

I don't know what point your are trying to make.

I'm not making a point, per se, I am honestly trying to understand the emotions involved in an "open marriage". You wrote if someone had questions to ask . . . I am asking.

I have a few more, if you will indulge me. If your husband could give you all the sex you needed and wanted, would there still be the desire for the open marriage? For Kira, her husband was gone most of the day and evening and she was bored doing nothing. I do not get that vibe from you. Would you have been interested or indulged in an open marriage from the start, even without the depression?

The last, I promise. You see a couple of men regularly. Is there any emotional attachment between you and them (and vice versa)? How would you deal with that?

I appreciate your willingness to share. We have dealt with a number of posters asking about the "male" fantasy of watching their wives have sex with another man. In my view, there are so many potential negatives to a relationship. Yours is fundamentally different, but I am curious about polyamory as well.

[jen1447]

Not to disparage others, but I think SpicyV is for real as well, which is the main reason I'm giving her situation the respect it deserves. (Spicy, we occasionally get posts here along the same lines as yours that, frankly, seem like they're trolling for titillating responses rather than sharing real life issues.)

[Stillness]

Is there anything that your marriage lacks now that it had before - a feeling of closeness, purity, less of a bond, etc?

I've got a much higher libido than my wife, so something like this had crossed my mind in moments of desperation years ago. It quickly passed because I don't believe it's a real solution and because I don't want to sacrifice the simple, monogamous intimacy we share. I have always been curious about polyamory - it seems very sophisticated and I do believe it can work to an extent. I just don't see the sacrifice as worth it and it's not compatible with my personality. I feel like I'm cheating if I flirt with another woman.

[effy2014]

Not to disparage others, but I think SpicyV is for real as well, which is the main reason I'm giving her situation the respect it deserves.

There is no disrespect intended in my questioning. Spicy V, if you think there was, I apologize.