[jacun]

About 3 weeks ago my husband said he was leaving and he did. We have 2 kids 8 & 9 and I am due next month with our 3rd daughter. After 2 years of him being downstairs in the basement playing this online game. He gets mad and he began to say some of the most awful things that I have heard from him. We have been together for almost 14 years. I am so crushed and at least right now I have learned how to breathe again. I still talk to him everyday and we have been in this honeymoon breakup phase. If there is a such thing as that.
Since he has been gone he hasn't been acting like himself at all. He moved back home to his moms and has regressed to a kid again. He is drunk and high most weekends. He was going to move back home when the baby is due because I have to get a C-section. Today he told me to find someone else to help you because I really don't want to. I will pay someone rather than take off of work. Even with all that he has been saying over the last couple of months I can't stop loving him.
I feel like a dog waiting to be patted on the head and when he leaves my tail goes between my legs. I feel so pathetic and I am so much better than this. I am just having the hardest time letting go and moving on. Any advice would be so appreciated. I am sick of starring into space and remembering all of the good times.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Jacun.. I actually read your thread when you were on line some hours ago.

There's not a lot to go on... You are remembering all the good times, something happened that made him go down to the basement for 2 years and your pregnant, soon expecting which is a horrid thing to go on your own over, i'm so sorry.

It's such a stressful time for you now...

There must be a reason why he has gone to drink and drugs? But, yet he states he needs to work?

Do you know why he walked away from you mentally for a while, and why he can't seem to be near you for the birth of your child together... why he feels this way.

Would it be okay to say, concentrate on the birth of your beautiful little one for now, as you and the baby are the most important at this time, with little stress..?

Maybe just sharing with us for a few weeks, how you feel, then ask for responses...

I'm just feeling that this is a traumatic time and as such, you need people surrounding you at the moment and ask why later.

I hope what i said is ok.

Do you have a close family and friends, they are whom you need to be with at the moment with plenty of hugs for now.

But, if you want to share more, for answers that's your choice...

I just can't paint a picture in my head as to why? As there really is not anything to go on to help you.

I will say, take care and look after yourself and your children at the moment regarless as you are all priority and important...

CW

[talk time]

Hi Jacun

I very much feel for your situation. It is hard enough to go through a marriage break up without also having to cope with a pregnancy and up comming birth.

I think all of the feelings you are having are very normal given your situation.

He appears to be having a second teenagehood which is something I have observed with many of my friends ex partners, including my own, once they are seperated. He seems to want to throw off all family responsibilities now he is 'single'. this is not ok and he needs to be clearly told this. His children are still his children, even your unborn child, and he needs to be taking more responsibility.

He may feel that moving back to the family home after your c section is a bad idea as he may see it as a step towards reconciliation. However he still needs to provide emotional and practicle support to you and the children at this time. After all you didn't get pregnant by your self.

I understand your feelings of loneliness. In my situation I was the one who left but the loneliness was still very difficult. You would have had an image of what the rest of your life would look like and this image has now changed. This is a huge adjustment time for you.

I feel you should surround yourself with the people who love you and don't be afraid to ask for help.

It is also very early days yet, only three weeks. So who knows what the future holds. You weren't very clear about the circumstances leading up to your seperation so I'm not sure but reconciliation may still be a real option.

Do you think he would be open to the two of you attending counselling. It may help to work through the problems and even if it doesn't result in the two of you getting back together it may help you to have more of an understanding and also work through the issues of how to both support and care for your children together.

It sounds like he is walking away from a hell of a lot and I would be very surprised if he didn't live to regret it.

Try and focus your energies on your beautiful children and I promise you things will get better in time, what ever the outcome.

You may be going through normal stages of grief. They start with a feeling of numbness, like none of this is real. followed by sadness, anger and then acceptence. this is very normal and part of the heeling, although it feels so terrible while you are going through it and the amount of time it takes varries for all.

If it helps to use this forum to talk about what is going on and get advise I am glad.

I will check in again in a few days and see how you are going.

My thoughts are with you.

tt

[rcoreyus]

I am very sorry to hear this. Whatever his problems are, he has no right to walk out on his wife and children.

[jacun]

Thanks for the feedback. Here is a little history of us. About once a year for as long as I have known him he goes through something like this. He wants to be a fighter, and everytime he has attempted it he fails. He blames me for this because I will ask him to hang out with us if he is away too much. He will get injured as most fighters will and he will quit. This is where he blames me: he says he only quit b/c I wanted to be with him. So then a year goes by and this pattern will repeat. I have it written in my journal since 2000.
Anyway 2 yrs ago when he did this our daughters especially the older one took the brunt of the impact. She was devastated to see this going on. After he was gone for 2 days he came back and said he would never do that again. Which really made me happy b/c it hurts before and after he leaves. So around Christmas of 06 I bought him this computer game that he had been wanting, World of Warcraft. He has an addictive personality and slowly began to spend all of his time downstairs playing. I tried really hard to not let it get as bad as it did. I would suggest a schedule because he didn't realize that he would be down there 8-10 hours a day. The schedule would work for a week and things would return to normal. On the weekends when I have school the girls would tell me that he would grab some food and go down there and they wouldn't really see him. They would cry when I got home from being bored all day. He didn't notice though.
Even with all of this I didn't notice that things were awful. I just thought well what can I complain about. So a couple of months ago I noticed I was begging him to fall asleep with me. Or watch a tv show with me and it was like a hard job for him. He would wake up and run down there before work and right after work. That was sort of out of character so my ears perked up. Then I noticed that he was talking on the phone on the patio. And when I asked what he was doing he said it was just fresh out there. The dogs go to the bathroom outthere so I know its not all that fresh.
In all the years we have been together I have never checked his phone but I started to. The logs were all deleted. Not like him at all. So I looked online and found that he was spending a lot of time talking to someone in another state. And when I asked about it he admitted that he had met someone on the game. And that she understands him like I don't. He said I am always too emotional: which is very true right now. He had told me that he would wait two years to leave so I could graduate from school and take care of our kids. And I went to my car to cry because I didn't want to wake up the girls but it was one of those cries that hits you so hard you end up choking and throwing up. He saw all this and said I'm not going I can't leave you. The next morning as he was getting ready for work he just seemed different. I knew he was going to take back those words.
And so later on in the day he called me and said to have his things ready he wasn't coming home at all. That was on a wednesday, he insisted on telling the girls but I had him hold off two days so they could enjoy the last days of school. And he told them on Friday. His explanation is that he feels suffacated that there are things he wants to do with his life: like fighting: that he can't do. He said he wasn't happy and this was going to make him feel better.
The girls took it hard and so now he is visiting everyday but he spends the first hours sleeping. He will play with them for a few min. Talk with me some, sleep with me (which I have just figured out is a huge mistake for my emotions) and then he is off. Like he has done something great for the day. Every night morning and mid day they get this look on their faces. It hurts me more to see that on them than the pain I feel.
Like I said he is high and drunk now most days. I don't know if it is his way of coping or what but he just isn't himself. His family is supporting him saying he has tried his best. But they are very disfunctional. The dad is an alcoholic, the mom is very posessive of her kids. Three out of four are living at home now and she is trying to get the fourth back. I think he may be bi polar or at the least extrememly depressed.
I hate watching him destroy his self. It's like as long as he was here I was able to keep him out of his family patterns. Which may be a huge part of the problem.
Not to blame everything on him I have my issues. And abandonment is a huge one of them. And I am too clingy to him. I probably have contributed to his lack of ambition but at the same time I have always told him to go out and do what he wanted. And this last time when he was blaming me for his fighting I did tell him you aren't happy and you need to see that I am not the cause of it. I told him to consider doing something different, I guess I opened the door for him to leave and he did.
I wouldn't say we have had the worlds greatest marriage but it wasn't that bad. At the bottom of everything we sincerely love one another. And we have a great family. A lot of people were envious of us and now I feel like everyday was a joke. Anyway that is a longer version of what is going on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It sounds to me that you have your head screwed on the right way

I don't know how old you are but i am assuming late 20's, both of you.

It certainly sounds like he has a dream, one that he can't fullfill and it's not because of you... Ambitious people work around things and make life as happy as possible for those who are in it, whilst working towards their dreams.

If, un-happy in themselves, they have no alternative but to put the blame on the other person... It's their defence.. It's how they can justify and they are always right and you are always wrong.

The children are and have suffered from this on-going cycle, as you say, you've kept a diary since 2000... and you have tried in your way, to find ways to make him happier but to no avail. The children are emotional over his non support to them, and can't wait to see you as they crave for the love that they are not getting. You also i suspect..

This appears to be an on-going problem, an on-going battle for you and one that i don't believe you can change.

Drugs aside. Your husband found an interest. The wargames, from this he found connections, one in particular and chatted away, laughed etc. He is not responsible, he does not comprehend marriage, children and all that goes with it. He is more than likely a batchelor whom can't cross over to what it takes to be married and have children.

My ex-husband was obsessed with motor bikes, and cars. As such, there were rooms i could never go into, garages i could never park my car in, whilst he consumed all of those areas.. Three motor bikes, 2 motor cars and around 600 toy ones, displayed even in the house. Obsessed. Much like yours is with boxing..

The DVD's we watched were cars/bikes/Formula1... I never watched a chick flick, or got the chance to choose one, he would return home with horror ahhhh... Scary...

He obsessed so much that i became a cook and cleaner. Even if we had guests, he'd show up half an hour after they arrived, having been on the bike with mates. Yet, i needed the BBQ cleaned, ice etc..

On weekends, he'd be sorry, i'm going for a bike ride with .... every weekend... Batchelor.. In the end, he stated, i'll be doing this until i'm old, better get used to it.

Basically, what i am saying, is no... there are responsibilities in a marriage, it's an equal thing with both having hobbies for sure, be it playing computer games, or riding a motor bike. But, if they can't fit into the marriage scenario they never will. I stayed 7 and a half years and there was more involved, as to why, as in, same as you, it's my fault, i work to much, it's my fault, for everything, verbal abuse commenced and that was my fault to, cleaning the fridge the wrong way, my fault it's scratched, etc i walked. It wasn't my fault.

In fact, it was simple. He was a batchelor, and he'll always be a batchelor.

Your husband's a batchelor. He can't fathom the commitment involved in marriage full stop.

No doubt there are issues from his childhood that reflect in this.

Bottom line is you are not happy, you say you could be with him, but you have never been, you've written a journal helping you through it all for 8 years.

Your children are not happy, they cry, they are left alone, your lucky that they haven't walked out of the house onto the street, whilst in his care.

He is who he is. He can not change.

I'm again so sorry he needs to grow up and learn responsibilities and he needs to stand by you at this point in your life, as rcoreyus stated, without a doubt... It's shameful.

But, i think, you need to see what your family and friends can do to help whilst you finish school and stand on your own two feet.

Don't believe that you won't find some loving guy out there that will be there for you and the children, because you will.

You deserve happiness, not constant negativity, blame and more importantly, no suppport for you and your children, no love.. Your children deserve a father figure, not someone who ignores them and leaves them on their own, to only cry when you get home.

Let him stay out of your life.

Stop thinking he's worth it.

Because he is not.

And, don't believe he can change as your as so nice and therefore, he has to... He will not.

Look after yourself and your children and finish your school and get a new life, one you and your babies deserve.

CW

[jacun]

three AM

It's 3 in the morning and I have awaken. My first thought is to talk to him. I wish there was a rule book on what to do. I miss him he was my best friend for a long time and now I am just at it alone. There are all these new boundaries that I don't even know about. The other night he was here and we were having a nice time. He fell asleep and I didn't wake him up. I layed there and watched him. After a time I fell asleep with him and it made me happy because this is one of the first times that I have fallen asleep with him in a long time. And then the phone rings and it's his brother looken for him. I know it was his mom who initiated that call. In the 10 years we have been living together I can count on one hand how many times they have called the house phone. He stayed for an hour more and then he left.
I just have this feeling like he was home why would she do that. He was fine. But when he shows up to her house drunk and everything else she doesn't have a problem with that. It's so crazy. I would think a different kind of mom would say: "you know you guys may have some problems but you need to go home to your pregnant wife and kids". So now last night when he stopped by after work he was acting so strange. The okness that we have had with one another was gone. He was looking at me like he didn 't know me. And he didn't reach for my hand as always, he even kissed me on the forehead.
After he had left and called to say goodnight to me I asked him what was going on and he said that he just thinks we are still acting like we are a couple and he is just living somewhere else. He was so high and drunk again. (This is not like him espeacially when he has to work in the morning.) Which is how it seemed but up until that night we were ok with that. I didn't let him know that this bothered me. I just said ok if that's what you want. I don't want to push him further away by complaining about his decisions. But if his mom sees him like that doesn't she see he is hurting.
I am praying for him like crazy, I can see him spiraling downhill fast and I can't do anything. Maybe it's his destiny and my influence is not good because it is coming from my own desires and not what is best for him. Thats why I have tried to just go with the flow. But it's like I went from being able to talk to him whenever and hug him whenever to phone calls that are usually under 10 minutes. I miss him so much and I hate that he could do this to me after so many years together. I hate how he can do this to our kids. I hate how he still isn't making his own choices. I hate that he is talking to this girl out of town. He has found all of these outlets to keep him distracted while I am constantly reminded of him. Everytime my kids cry or I get kicked from within or any time I walk around our house. I think of him. And the part that I hate the most is I am not mad at him. I can see his pain and see how he is not himself I don't want to add to it.
Right now I am the only one up though. Everyone else is resting peacefully. That's sad.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's good though to write how your feeling, expressing and letting those emotions come out even at 3am in the morning....

It's sad, very sad as you can see things clearly but are being blocked.

He may be in a very confused state, drugs etc, it is sad regardless that his Mother has no concern for you, or your children, or new born to be, rather all one sided, not his either... Hers.....

She sounds some what controlling...

She has her baby back and bad luck to all of you.

Keep strong... but you have to remember, he's not responsible around your children, that's important...

Talk lots to your family and be with them...

He may be the most important thing in your life today, after 10 years but your children will be with you until the day you die...

Forever...



CW

[jacun]

thanks for the quick reply. I am just out of sorts at the moment. I have my mom and three very good friends who are supporting me. But there is only so much talking I can do to them before it becomes reruns. He's hurting more than ever, I am hurting more than ever the girls are too. And everyone in his family is like ok. Everyone in my family is devastated and wondering what the hell is going on with him. I think you are right. He is very confused and probably just taking it day by day. Which would explain why his actions vary from day to day. This is a double edged sword: letting him be and seeing what is going on, and trying to maintain myself. I just want to let go and scream and just not care but I can't. He's doing it and one of us has to have our feet on the ground.
I am trying to concentrate on the girls and the one to be but God if it's not one of the hardest things I have ever done.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well i'm quick cause i live a million miles away from you whilst they sleep.

It is obvious that you see something in him.

It is obvious that you see that he comes...........then goes.

And, he has hurt you incredibly by talking to someone else but i guess it can happen when someone goes downhill.

It is good that your family are there... Re-run? No, they are your family they care, they are the only people or "close friends" that accept you telling over and over... I know.

It's also obvious that you still have an influence until someone interferes.

But, do you really want to keep helping someone, like a "child", get through something..

I don't know..

I don't know what the first years bought you, i still think he can't cope being a family man and i still worry about protecting your children at this stage so they don't suffer later in life, confused.

Would you really want him back and ignore them? Would that help them?

I'm just thinking being calm and ignoring a bit, instead of being there when he needs you and waiting it all out, whilst protecting yourself and your children is the better way to go.

Sorry, but i do.

It seems your battling against his family, they would not win in the long run, only the short run.

If you were not there for him... If they were it. If his games became boring, if he went down and bad but got up and came to you, would that not be better?

Than, his confusion?

He needs still to understand marriage, children, his children, his wife.

He's not showing you any of that.

Love is love... but at what expense?

I really truly feel for you...

But your so in love that you will accept everything not see that he's hurting you, your children and himself.

Without you, he may see clearer?

Who knows.

Again, you and your new baby and children are the most important people here....

1O years is like forever hey?

Your young....

Your seeing your hurt and pain and love, but not what he's doing to your family only to himself...

Take a breather for a while, what do you have to lose.

If he's gone he's gone.

If he misses, then you have something to work with.

CW