[CHANDLERS WISH]

After Denial, comes facts.

All of a sudden you can view things in different lights.

You can open your mind more willingly to the good and the bad.

You mention your journal and that's great and an excellent tool for you to view.

If you were to get an A4 piece of paper, write pros one side, cons the other and from each page of your journal after an event, write it in the left or right hand column pertaining to pro ( tick ) that was great or con ( x) that made me feel, or that was wrong, how many pros would you have?

With facts comes understanding.

A process.

And, each day you will see things clearer...

Perphaps he has in-deed done you a favour that in the near future you will clearly see.

Are you your own person?
Are you happy ever day?
Do you buy something even a plant for the house and get excited?
Did you come home and tell him something great about your day and both laughed?
Did you come home and tell of something your child did and he stated he was so proud?
Do you have me time?
Do you know you?

If he's not equal in sharing, not equal in caring, and not equal in anything within your life, your not and have never been happy and one day, you can be extremely...

Anger comes with understanding...

You've jumped the denial i feel.....

CW

[C]

Your family was torn apart long ago...You are living the dream of long ago being in love with this man before he changed into who he is now...You cannot change what you cannot change...Don't ruin your life trying to do this....Go forward and find yourself and set yourself free...You have the key to this and that door in your mind that is locked can be opened and set you free, but only by you.......You already have started to turn it....don't quit...

Honey, there is Sunshine ahead but only you can find it...Don't play with your mind and let your thoughts go back to years ago, instead look at today and your tomorrow's to come....Best wishes....Caroline

[ladyd68]

I came across your blog and to respond. So many of us women go through so much at very import times in our lives. Times that are suppose to be the happiest for us. I feel your pain of what you are writting because my marriage is so much of the same. Let me share: Kirk and I have known each other for more then 20 years. In high school is where I met him and for me, I knew he was the love of my life. He had just moved here from Hawii and of course all the young girls was after him. He was a bit of a bad boy, he would drink on the weekends and sell pot. When he and I got together it was just a connection for the both of us. We would talk about till the wee hours in the morning, and it was wonderful. We had dated for a while and I really believed in my heart that we would get married back then. Well that came to pass due to the fact that he had cheated on me with a girl who ended up getting pregnant. He didn't want to tell me and couldn't but I had found out. We of course broke up and he did the right thing at the time and had married the girl. After he graduated from high school he had enlisted in the Marines so that he could take care of his daughter and wife. They moved to California. Needless to say this whole situation totally devasted me. I could not believe that could happen to us. I had graduated a year earlier and was going to college, I kept in touch with him the whole time of him going to boot camp, moving to California and had made plans to go see him until I found out he was married. So, I stayed in Kansas and made a life for myself. I had got married to someone different and so that was that. Through out the years we had kept in touch through letters, and he had called me from Japan. My husband had went to Iraq for the first time and he was on his way there. We caught up with one another and it was great. Yes, I understood that it was wrong for us to still keep in contact because we were both married. Any was to make a long story short, we reconnected, lost contact through the years and reconnected and dated other people and connected again. So finally five years ago, we connected again this time, I had three boys and was coming out of a relationship that was abusive. Kirk was there for the boys and me. I knew he was the one. We was planning our marriage and we was short some money, any how he ended up trying to sell drugs and got caught. This was two weeks before we was to get married. He was sent to prison for 2 1/2 years due to having prior convictions when he was younger. Any ways I married him in prison and stayed by his side all the while. He came home in 2005 and he was welcomed home with open arms. It was wonderful having this man home. When he came home, it started off wonderful, then of course things started to come out of the woodwork. He stayed away from the house for two to three days at a time. I would be so angry with him and we would start arguing and at the time it was awful. I sat him down and had told him that the boys and I coouldn't live like this, I wasn't use to the early morning calls and not paying bills until later and not having money and some times things getting cut off. It was miserable! So, Kirk went into rehab. I believe this saved both of us. We had met people who were going through the exact same things and we made lasting friendships. This went on for six months. I forgot to mention that when he went to rehab, I was pregnant. After the birth of our daughter things were still going good for us. Then for whatever reason ( I have a therory on this) he started hanging around the wrong people again. Needless to say we have gone back to arguing all over again. He has started to see that I have distance myself from him emotionally. I can't watch him destroy himself and hurt our family again. I don't believe I can stay by his side this time if he goes back to prison. I know that I will not take the boys or babygirl up to the prison to see him. It was difficult enough the first time. I am looking towards my faith and family and friends that are close to me. I am working on getting me healthy and that is something that I suggest to you. During this time talk to a counselor, pastor someone that can help you deal with drug abuse. Al lon on is a wonderful program that is for women and men, families that aren't addicted to drugs. I've learned that you can love these people but, you don't have to accept the behaviors that they give to us. I also learned that what he doesn't isn't my fault. He is responisble for his actions and I am responsible for mine. I'm making a situation better for the children and myself, and it may mean that it will be a life without him and I am starting to understand that. I pray that this helps.

[jacun]

emotions

I have my mental plan all worked out. How long does it take before these emotions catch up with me. If he is on the phone and someone else is around he is a jerk. Alone he is sweet. Although things are fixed on my end no matter what he does. I still feel this twinge to run to him and hug him. Sometimes this twinge is a force and I end up doing it anyway. I love him so much but I know that love is based on what was and not what is. Living for today and not yesterday. If I met who he is today I'd probably run and run fast. Anyway he has now offered to again move in when the baby is due and I am sure that it's not going to happen like that. How retarded would I be if I let him move in and watch him go off to call Ms oregon. or anyone else. He even said that he would stay in the same bed as me. LOL
How utterly confusing would that be and at the same time how nice that would be for those few seconds.(emotions). I am going to keep that from happening despite what those emotions are saying.
There are so many things that I want and all of them are out of my control. Stinks
I have spoken with an attorney to find out what my rights are. And I am slowly moving his things out. Is that strange that he hasn't picked up all of his things or is this normal?
Thanks for all the feedback. It keeps me going coming online and listening to others.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Emotions are feeling with your "heart"..

Logic is "thinking" with your brain.

Logic tells you you are correct with what you are thinking pertaining to your emotions.

He is "thinking" he can say one thing today, another tomorrow, and he has full control of the outcome.

As such, he is not noticing at all, what you are doing as he feels that he has all the cards in his hand, no matter which one he plucks out, he's a winner.

He has the control.

Good for you to start to see that actually, you have equal control, over the situation but FULL control over yourself.

Can you see therefore, the joker in the pack?

No sorry, you must keep a sense of humor as well

Simply, acknoweldge that you are your own person and he does not have control over you, as he thinks he does, whilst he continues to think he does to himself, he won't notice much at all...

He's not worried.

He is looking after his own thoughts, not both of your thoughts.

So, as such it's not coming into the picture in his mind.

CW

[jacun]

You are right He isn't paying much attention to the changes in me. He is thinking that he has full control. He told me that he was doing me a favor by still paying for everything and I should be happy that he doesn't just divorce me and pay child support. What he doesn't know is that he will be more screwed over if he goes that route. So in essence I am doing him a favor by not filing yet. When he said that I was cracking up on the inside. He was so smug that I couldn't help it. He is thinking that he is King of the World and has yet to realize that he is about to take the real life pill. Although it hurts to have to be this way with him, it hurts a lot less than waiting for his graces.
I'm not sure if there is another guy out there who would be willing to take on the three kids and me. But I know our lives are going to be filled with happiness regardless.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I so love it when the man uses "emotional blackmail"...

You should be happy love... because...

Um? Hate will eventually step in when you realise what a miserable life this person is making you lead... But, that hate will turn into pity later down the track but with no love what so ever.

If i could make a bet with you now i would in that regard..

Men who fall deeply for a woman, fall for that woman and they don't particularily care what so ever of her baggage, in fact they claim it and look after it as if it was theres, for the love of whom they are with, so they love what ever that person brings to the table, off course, they also love children.

Don't stress in that regard.

You will be totally smiling and dancing around eventually as you will feel "free" and spirited as a whole, instead of controlled by emotional blackmail....

CW

[jacun]

I am looking forward to the day where all of this is a distant memory. I hope to find someone who will accept the baggage that I have been accumulating. In the meantime I am going to do my best to sort through it all. The last thing I want is to treat somebody with the emotions that I have now. My husband even told me that he could honestly say that I have never hurt him intentionally. And that I have never done a mean thing to him. Nice of him to notice that. But a little to late. The crumbs that he has been trailing along are not satisfying enough anymore.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am looking forward to the day where all of this is a distant memory. I hope to find someone who will accept the baggage that I have been accumulating. In the meantime I am going to do my best to sort through it all. The last thing I want is to treat somebody with the emotions that I have now. My husband even told me that he could honestly say that I have never hurt him intentionally. And that I have never done a mean thing to him. Nice of him to notice that. But a little to late. The crumbs that he has been trailing along are not satisfying enough anymore.

Sounds like he burnt his toast? LOL.. See, I said, must have sense of humor...

Time is an essense

[jacun]

I put up some boundaries today. When they called yesterday too late to come and see the girls. I didn't answer the phone. And today while they were at work I did the same. Everything isn't going to be on his terms anymore. I changed the locks. And watched him have a 2 year old tantrum. He turned off his phone when I finally decided to call him. He then called back an hour later. He started saying I was trying to keep the kids from him. Mind you he has never called to talk to them. And when he fails to show up he doesn't say anything to them. It's just too bad for us. So this has caused him some pain. I don't know what game he is playing. I am supposed to go on with my life but....call and let him know what my plans are so he doesn't worry. On the other hand. I can't know his plans because we are no longer a couple. I really think he is losing touch with reality or I am seeing a whole new side of him. It was better this way, rather than me sitting by the phone waiting for him to call.