[EmotionsRvalid]

s

Good luck!!! And much love!!! Isn't the world amazing? There are people out there who don't even know you and want to help! You'll find that this is true spiritually too. Remember to pray and you'll have the help you need- when you need it. God loves you and your family! Sorry, one more thing. You can't change someone else they have to want too. ya ya ya but you can focus on facilitating change. You can put cool sayings on your walls, (easy repetition) you can be loving (tough and sensitive), you can focus on things going right (by your thoughts and actions and example) You know how an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure? Well work smarter on him by spending more thought on how to help things go right then on how to fix things that he ambiguously does. You can't loose unless you give up. But remember he has to want to change. He holds the key to his own change, but men will do amazingly difficult things for a woman. The woman just needs to spend her thinking time 80% on how to make things go right and 20% on what went wrong. HUGS!!! Good luck!

[moonshadow48]

I don't want you to take this the wrong way but you are enabling him. Just as if he was an alcoholic and you were covering for him.
Change the locks on your house and let him know that if he doesn't want to live there and work thru things then he can't just "stop by" when ever he wants. You are already in an emotional state being pregnant you don't need his BS on top of it.
File for a legal seperation. I think it will send a huge message to him. What he was asking you and how he asked you was demeaning, yet you then stated "when we were kissing", Why would you in turn be kissing him? You basically told him it was ok with you.
Even tough it is hard because you do still love him ( or maybe you don't you just need him or think you can't get along without him) Let him know he can talk to who ever he has been messing with but not you.

[EmotionsRvalid]

change the locks = take control

How many people have said "change the locks" including myself? I think what that does is puts you in control of his comings and goings, but more importantly sends a message of I'm not going to take your Bovine excrimate. (you can say what you want here, but you have use bigger words to do it ) I deserve better and I will create better for myself as you've opted to be a baby. It's ONE WAY to say your behavior is NOT OKAY with me and rather than to put up with it I'm choosing something better for me and my girls.

[jacun]

I have heard change the locks. But the thing is I am a SAHM and he has agreed to pay all of the bills until I graduate. And what I am about to say is going to upset several people if not a lot. This is his house and this is his home. I know my husband very well and the person that he is lately is the result of something beyond me. Depression/BiPolar something. I am not going to file for separation or anything like that. I have been with him for 14yrs and I am not going to go that route within a month of all of this occuring. I don't like what he did and I feel disrespected from it all. Beyond that. I don't know if this sounds like a weak wife or what but I am far from that. This is the first time that he has done something this extreme. If I had some sort of break down I would like to have at least one chance to redeem myself. He deserves more than a fleeting emotion. What I am going to do is concentrate on myself and my girls. I will experience each moment and come out of all of this as a better person. There are times when I am very strong towards him and times where I am vulnerable. I guess that is what makes me human. Hopefully as time passes more strong moments will evolve. But as I said before this has just happened.

[moonshadow48]

I'm not mad at you at all. It is your relationship and your decision. The only time it becomes a problem is when it starts to affect your kids and the older they get the more each time he does it will affect them. You can not only think of yourself and your feelings once kids are involved as well. They do not have the understanding you have.
If you think he has Bi Polar disorder or simaliar has he been to the Dr. to discuss? I know if he is like my husband he feels he doesn't have to go to the Dr. for anything. But I make the appointments anyway. You may have already approached him on it but maybe trying to let him know that you are very concerned you love him and so do your kids, but seeing him in pain hurts you and them as well. I have a girlfriend and her husband is bi polar so I know they can do some pretty off the wall stuff that only makes sense to them. His meds do help him most of the time but there are still times when he won't take them.
I really do feel for you, I know you love him. You can't just stop loving someone just like that. The reason I gave those options is that it seems that it isn't the first time and each time gets worse. He needs help and maybe if you do something that would be out of the norm for you it would make him realize you feel at your wits end and want to help him. He needs to realize what he is putting you and your kids through, you have his best interests at heart but he needs to give you the same respect and do what ever it takes to get back to what it is you have that makes you love him enough to be tough with him.
You know him the best and probably love him the most so you have to follow your heart. Just don't allow it to go to a level where you lose who you are trying to make life easy for him.

[EmotionsRvalid]

Smart girl

Jacun You're going to be fine. I said changing the locks was ONE thing to send the message. I hope you got that. There are many things you could do to show that this isn't okay. You know your situation better than anyone else does. You'll come up w. the right move and it will feel right. Remember that we can only go on what you post. Remember that actions or not taking action at all is communication. Not just communication- actions are louder than words. Your actions can escalate, de escalte, etc the situation.
You've probably noticed that advice here comes from people who feel strongly about what they say. A lot of us have been through our own tough times and our own issues come up. Good for you for being real and doing what you feel is best. I'm not here to judge you. I'm only trying to offer my perspective for what it's worth. I hope you don't feel judged or threatened as it's not the case.
Much love!!! EmotionsRvalid

[jacun]

I didn't intend on sounding threatning. I am just at one of those breaking points I guess. I feel my pain I feel his pain I feel the kids pain. There is something going on and I am lost. I am going to talk to a therapist and he has agreed to go as long as it is for the family. I hope someone else can see what I can. Or someone can tell me that I am the crazy one. Either way it will be nice to hear something. A lot of people keep telling me to have patience. An area where I need a lot of work. I want things better and I want it now. Pretty high expectation on something that happened not that long ago.
You are right he does have some sort of yearly recurring event and this year has been the worst yet. And since he has left there isn't anyone to reign him in for lack of better words. I am concerned for his well being. but at the same time I am trying really hard to not continue with my old habits and let him fall. Hopefully the fall is what is needed. If not I don't know. I am really taking this one day at a time and on those days its every minute as it comes. I could have sworn someone told me life was easy Guess not.
I really appreciate all of the advise that I have been receiving. So please don't stop. It is much needed.

[Jade34]

my heart goes out to you at this time.... you must be very confused... your man is certainly sending you mixed singles.... infact reading parts of your conscript has confused me.... as in his behaviour... in actual fact ld say he s trying to take the blame off himself and push it on to you in a round about kinda way.... the basement situation has me thinking.... online games you say.... well thats what he would have told you.... to be honest the online game he was playing would be in a chat room and on msn... lm just guessing but ld say he has been having a great time.... in this situation alot of pllz get caught up in the surreal world of the net and become like their alter ego...lt could explain his change in behaviour.... l ve actually had a friend go through much the same with her man...he did leave her for his cyber net friend... in reality found this new woman not what he assumed her to be...now he and wife are back together ....mind you he is not aloud anywhere near the pc.... so in other words trust has gone as you would expect.. l wish you well at this time... stay strong

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I commend you for the "will, want and desire"....

Been there.

But at some point you will appreciate that, you CAN NOT change someone to suit what you desire.

You CAN NOT, give and think that that is enough to make them COME BACK TO YOU, the way you want it to be.

And, love, YOU CAN NOT, make those children nor your new born feel the love of their father, it's simply not there.

It is normal to go through the processes you are going through.

DENIAL...

That is the main one. You can do it, RIGHT?

Your "Intuition" is telling you otherwise.

Your "HEART" is wanting it to be.

It's commendable to believe you can "make things happen"..

Why Not?

If you believe and truly believe this to be true, then then only way to make that happen is to "IGNORE", "LET HIM FREE", "IF HE COMES BACK TO YOU HE IS YOURS, IF HE DOESN'T HE NEVER WAS"

In other words, through out your whole relationship you have been the "GIVER", be the "TAKER"..

That is what he is doing, if you open your mind and see?

The more you give the more he will take.

If you truly think this will work, then close the door.

You think by not, that he will appreciate it?

He will see your good heart?

Or will HE SEE, he can walk all over you ?

As he is doing?

Think very very carefully, it makes pure sense.

CW

[jacun]

A lot of what you said is true. A lot. I want things to work so much. It hit me out of the blue. And he is playing his cards very well. I am willing to take anything just to have him home. But I have reread my journals from my point of view instead of analyzing him and I have been extremely sad for many years now. He may have done me a favor. I don't know if things will get better but I am tired of trying. And all he does is blame me for not...fill in the blank (everything under the sun). Since this is my first break up I guess I am destined to make all of those mistakes. I wanted my family back together and I am so angry that he would tear that apart because he was unhappy.
Anyway that is where I am today, who knows about tomorrow.