[CHANDLERS WISH]

First off, nobody has the right to pass judgement on you for this situation, and it is completely unrealistic to put this in a black and white box of "did you cheat". Life is hardly ever that clearly defined.

You were detained in a foriegn country, seperated from your loved ones, and had little, if no communication with the outside world. Those stresses alone put a person in a sort of survival mode, and would only be natural to reach out for some sort of comfort.

This has nothing to so with loving your husband, getting your private parts touched, or needing to beg for forgiveness. Your story is a personal struggle that you faced, and only you can work out how to get through it.

But unless anybody here has been through that type of situation, and if the story is true, they have no right to bear judgement of how you reacted under severe stress.

I think that you will note if you read every reply, that it has been said, that under the circumstances she was in, it would be very difficult, I for one stated that, separated from her children to start with is stressful.

Let me get something very clear as well " it is a story", yes, however, the threader asked a question "Did I cheat?"... That is her heading, and as such the replies are yes/or no...

There is no judgement in that regard and we do not allow people to "Judge" on this site.

Additionally, based on the question, and the context, the threader did cheat, that's a fact...

CW

[Rebecca Deos]

Chandlers Wish
"Additionally, based on the question, and the context, the threader did cheat, that's a fact..."

What if she was being threatened, and used her body as a way to eliminate physical harm to herself, that could, in the same context, be considered cheating?

My point wasn't to implicate others in judging her. Their judgements do not matter, as they were not there. But some posts did leave the feeling of being judgemental, and I think what got my goat was the positions of having to beg forgiveness.....for surviving?

To me, the question can't be answered in a simple yes/no format

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But, "debating" is exactly that too.

Rebecca Deos
What if she was being threatened, and used her body as a way to eliminate physical harm to herself, that could, in the same context, be considered cheating?

If this was spoken, let's say hyphathetically, by say a prison guard? Then I don't think anyone would consider it cheating, rather "survival" as you state.. It's not the same context.

If I was in that position and surely you know your own self, your "inner self" as to how you would react, the strong minded, whom are in total love, would want the comfort of someone's arms for sure, but sex? I am sorry, I personally under her circumstances would not have done so...

Perhaps it boils down to the individual.

Whilst I do get your point... I think that we can sit back and pose the question to ourselves, if we were in that position and what we would do.

I know I could..

CW

[Heatwave]

I have to say, I agree CW, it all boils down to the individual. Based on what we know there wasn't specific sexual pressure involved, so it was a mistake but one that was self-made under extreme stress and confusion. I believe it was cheating, yes, because personally I would put it under that umbrella. Do you want to tell him? Do you want to take responsibility now the experience is over. you did not know you would ever sleep with your husbands best friend, in a kind of similar way you do not know if you could handle keeping such a thing to yourself, it might end up destroying you after a few years then you would regret not addressing it sooner.. But again, it's all up to the indivijual. You need to look deep inside yourself right now, know yourself more than ever, can you identify or remember more specifically what happend to make you do this? Mull this over properly.

[Hopeless Dork]

You know him better than anyone, and you know yourself better than anyone. If the roles were reversed and he were put in a cell with your best friend, would you want to hear about the many of night she made him safe and comfortable in her arms, providing him pleasure. If you think its something you yourself would be able to understand and forgive of him, do you think he would feel the same way? And you will you be able to shake this off and move on without sharing this with him.

You have to find a balance of what you can live with hiding and what he could tolerate knowing. As long as you have been together you should be able to know what that is and proceed with caution.

If you do decide to tell him, men will say they want to hear everything... or hear nothing. But don't tell him everything (no one realllllly wants to hear specifics of the one they love receiving pleasure from someone else) and don't tell him nothing.. because if you leave it to his imagination he will definitely imagine it in the worst possible and most painful to his heart kind of ways.

No need to be so honest that you cause even more unessary pain. This is a tough one. My gut says.. let sleeping dogs lie. No one can benefit from this revelation. But at the same time, my heart says ... telling him the truth is the only fair thing to do - letting him decide for himself if he wants to forgive this and not choose for him.

Sticky, sticky, sticky

[Rebecca Deos]

There was something about this thread that got a little under my skin, and I'm still not 100% sure why. I apologize if my earlier post seemed comative. But I have been giving it some thought, and it's some sort of undefined feminism that runs through me.

If she were physically threatened, under physical duress, or in any way allowed something to happen to protect her physical self, we would make allowances.

But if it were a temporary emotional weakness, or emotional survival, we have less empathy, and that somehow bothers me. Most of us know that only part of being a woman is physical. And contantly through TV, and the media, we are constantly bombarded with messsages how we are only feminine if we fit a certain female image by buying their products.

Why would we give preference to her protecting her physical self, and not feel as much empathy if she were somehow protecting her emotional self, which is just a much a part of being a woman as the physical.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Rebecca Deos
There was something about this thread that got a little under my skin, and I'm still not 100% sure why.

But if it were a temporary emotional weakness, or emotional survival, we have less empathy, and that somehow bothers me

All quotes below : - Chandlers Wish

You were in a foreign country, scared i would imagine, not knowing when you would get out of jaol, when you would see your husband again, your children...

No one to talk to but Steve.

No one to consol you, or him, no way of communicating to the outside.

But, i sense fear to the hilt, and longing for your children, real pain and suffering..

I doubt i would do that, but strength is something you only know when you face the worse fears and or danger. I have faced a few dangers that could have turned to death, and so, i know my strength.

But, emotional pain would at the least drive you into someone's arms just to cry and just to be comforted.

I have empathy... 5000+ posts, ask many here..........

So okay again I get your "jist".

Was this man not her husband's "friend"?

So women are emotional creatures, weak points... Okay, I tend to believe that but usually if the relationships with the husband is very very weak, or we are young.

Something is still "amiss"

Taking your theory ( welcome to the site by the way), we are standing up for her, feeling sorry for her, it should be understandable, emotions playing....

But then she is weak, or not in love OR, HE, the Husband's best friend, or friend, is weak?

Did he not take advantage?

This was his friend's wife............

So settle back for a second, stop thinking about her, if you want to help the threader and think clearly.

She says it was dark, day or night, scared, emotionally paniced, but she still got "scared of pregnancy", when did she realise that?

Would you NOT, think about that whilst doing?

She stated "did i cheat", so is she finding a reason? Why she was "vulnerable", is the key that this "friend" didn't give a shirt about her or her husband?

What man, then, is that emotional in your way of thinking, that under these circumstances thinks sex will help him get through it all, f the buddy, f his wife, who cares?

Have a think..

CW

[Heatwave]

But if it were a temporary emotional weakness, or emotional survival, we have less empathy, and that somehow bothers me. Most of us know that only part of being a woman is physical. And contantly through TV, and the media, we are constantly bombarded with messsages how we are only feminine if we fit a certain female image by buying their products.

Why would we give preference to her protecting her physical self, and not feel as much empathy if she were somehow protecting her emotional self, which is just a much a part of being a woman as the physical.

Hiya, I just think that because marriage is involved here it makes us question emotional strength. What about her husband also going through a stressful and difficult time locked up in another cell? Maybe this is something more, an issue of what makes people stray when they are married if something isn't quite right in the relationship.. ?

[lovepuns]

this was a sticky situation, and i know you have to walk a mile in her shoes to truly understand her thought process. but i know i would throw myself in front of a bus to save my wife. i put her well being ahead of my own. and that's how i hope she feels about me.

[Rebecca Deos]

All quotes below : - Chandlers Wish







I have empathy... 5000+ posts, ask many here..........

So okay again I get your "jist".

Was this man not her husband's "friend"?

So women are emotional creatures, weak points... Okay, I tend to believe that but usually if the relationships with the husband is very very weak, or we are young.

Something is still "amiss"

Taking your theory ( welcome to the site by the way), we are standing up for her, feeling sorry for her, it should be understandable, emotions playing....

But then she is weak, or not in love OR, HE, the Husband's best friend, or friend, is weak?

Did he not take advantage?

This was his friend's wife............


CW

I don't think it's anyone here that lacks empathy, I think as a society as a whole, we have been taught to put far more weight in our physical selves as women, even if it is to the detriment of our emotional selves as women.

A perfect example is in the real world, most of us women find it more hurtful if our partner carries on an emotional affair with a woman rather than a one-night-stand. In this situation, we would find emotional support to be a positive, if they leaned on each other and drew strength from each other. If that same support happened in the real world, it would be seen as a lack of happiness at home.

The fact that she found comfort in a physical manner is what we seem to hold to a higher standard.

But I don't believe that as women we are weak, or that a strong love we share for our partner is enough to fill any void or heal any weakness. I think that's disempowering. We are empowered creatures in ourselves, and hopefully enter into relationships as a whole, not a part waiting to be fulfilled.

Yes, he definately took advantage and its a shame that it was a situation where neither party had the ability to think past the situation.

If you put a person of any nationality, race, gender, economic group in a room with a man eating tiger, they are going to react in a series of very predictable patterns. It's human nature. I just think that this situation is outside the norm of most issues of relationships, sex and cheating. And not a very surprising response to two people under severe stress.