[Swiftus]

I am getting to my wits end.

I discussed this before in a thread titled "my wife with no desire".

Here is the entire story in brief:

• My wife views sex as something that needs to be done to prevent me from cheating.
• She always turns me down despite offering to do anything that she wants me to do. (Example, last night after being gone for two nights, I simply kissed her stomach up and down slowly working toward her breasts or below her hips... she asked me to stop because she doesnt want it and apologizes to me)
• She never 'attacks' me. It is always pity sex (it seems).
• I am trying to do EVERYTHING. I am on the verge of giving up. I don't feel sexxy any more. Ill try slow things, fast things, spontaneous things, different colognes, candles, music, clitoral stimulants..... I think you get the point.

I want to feel sexually wanted. I want someone to stay up to 3am bumping uglies with me with an unsatiable desire.

Discussing this with her won't have the desired outcome. It will only lead to more issues and more pity sex (or fake orgasms which I have no desire to deal with).

Am I being driven to stray?

[WildChild]

Don't know about driven to stray but why are you still there? What holds you? Whats good?

Really your choices are simple; stay and deal with it (in which case you made your choice don't complain), get counseling and see if it can be resolved, or leave.

Cheating really shouldn't be an option. I mean, why would it? If you don't want to leave and you cheat and she finds out, isn't it going to blow up in your face and end the relationship? If so then save yourself the demeaning behavior and get out first and honorably. If not then you should be able to discuss it and arrange for an open marriage. IF you do, be prepared to deal with it if she takes advantage of the arrangement too.

If you want to try to save the marriage then counseling is probably your best option, it might be a good idea regardless. A good counselor can help you figure out what you want and how deal with your choices. The two of you may be completely unsuited sexually. How was the sex before? Has it ever been good? If so, what changed?

[Swiftus]

The two of you may be completely unsuited sexually. How was the sex before? Has it ever been good? If so, what changed?

I have helped women in the past with similar issues. So few women I have ever known have truly had that "grip the sheets" orgasm (even on their own). After I am done, they have no problems.

I figured that since I had a roughly 100% success rate that my wife (after almost 6 years of being together)

I can go down on her but she always squirms away when it starts to ramp up. It is almost like she is actively preventing herself from having an orgasm. She just refuses to let herself go. Perhaps I should try one of those 4 point restraint systems!?

The ONLY reason I felt the need to cheat/stray is to satisfy my own egotistical need to feel that I can still satisfy a woman.

I love my wife. Sex is not the biggest piece of my and our lives.

[Hopeless Dork]

I can certainly understand why you are not feeling sexy, being desired is important to each party in the relationship. But you shouldn't feel that way, this is something going on with her on the inside that needs addressing, not your sexiness or willingness to please her - you obviously have that.

How does she view herself? From the sound of it, it doesn't seem as if she is feeling sexy right now. When a woman is feeling down about herself, physical appearance (even if its fine and its just a self esteem issue) she's not going to feel sexual.

Has she always been offputting to sex or is this new? If its always been this way, there might be something she needs to deal with on her own (with your support of course) to learn about why she doesn't have the drive.

If its a reletively new behavior, has there been any changes to the relationship? New babies? Anything of the sort?

For most women sexual arrousal begins in the mind, instead of the clitoral stimulants and candles... remind her how beautiful she is every chance you get and not just when you are looking for action (not saying that is what you do). If she does her hair differently, notice it.. give her little pets of affection in non sexual ways, give her eyes that show her she is most desirable to you. Little things like that pay off big down the road.

[Favored]

I agree with hopeless dork in the sense....make love to her mind and trust me she'll be ripping your clothes off. Sometimes as women we feel a little like we are just pieces of meat (not me, i love sex) but we want our minds made love to.

i definatley understand your thougths of wanting to stray. It's hard to be in a relationship and not have sex with your partner. As long as it stays a thought, then your good. Until she comes around, get out the vaseline! LOL! Just trying to make you laugh a little!

[Hopeless Dork]

Another thought is the good old standby of communication. She may think that your sexual needs aren't such a big deal because her sexual needs aren't such a big deal BUT... once she learns that its effecting you emotionally as well, not feeling sexy.. bringing you down in self-esteem she might have a greater understanding of the importance sex is to you feeling desired and needed by her. Change her way of looking at it and it might just change her way of dealing with it.

[Swiftus]

The problem, I see, is that she and many women of this world can't turn the voices in their heads off. You all seem to always be thinking about something else. Men, on the other hand, can get off with a hand job sitting naked in a snowstorm the day their dog died (okay, an exaggeration).

When it comes to her feeling sexy. I don't know how much more I can do. I compliment alot (but not too much). I always tell her how beautiful she is with or without clothes. She weighs in around 135 at 5'4" but she is all muscle from working out (she's a part-time athlete). I have never made her feel badly about the way she looks.

No babies... we've tried, but no success.

I was raised by all women. I always point out new things from scents to what she's changed. I try to send her a text message every afternoon to just say I love you. Heck, I tried to get her a pedi and mani today because she finished something major.

[Swiftus]

Another thought is the good old standby of communication. She may think that your sexual needs aren't such a big deal because her sexual needs aren't such a big deal BUT... once she learns that its effecting you emotionally as well, not feeling sexy.. bringing you down in self-esteem she might have a greater understanding of the importance sex is to you feeling desired and needed by her. Change her way of looking at it and it might just change her way of dealing with it.

I just fear that this is a quick path towards her permanently faking it.

[blondie80]

Women do have trouble turning their thoughts off but to a degree having or wanting sex goes into so much more detail for a woman than a man, little things like buying her flowers taking her out for tea ordering something you know she really likes and even putting up with a chick flick now and then can do a great deal for a woman to put her mind to rest, ask her how her day was and then if she is feeling upset or down dont put her feelings down just tell her you understand and listen, she will be greatful, try not to push the sexual issue for a week or so while your doing this sort of stuff, she will see how much you truly care and what an effort you are investing in just her! It should lead you in the right direction women love romance when they feel its not there they can be very reluctant, its worth a try anyway! lol

[WildChild]

Well everyone is different, if we each judged everything entirely from our own experience, I'd say women are generally much hornier than men, are extremely responsive and always 'in the mood'. We can't make such generalization and assuming that women have trouble with sex and arousal, I think, adds to the problem. Societal expectations, religious upbringing, and negative reinforcement have caused many women to disconnect from their desire.
Swiftus it sounds like you've made a habit of 'rescuing' sexually wounded birds? But this one isn't having any? When you marry someone you aren't sexually compatible with who isn't willing to make accomodation, you do have a problem. You aren't alone here, we have some other men who are regulars that deal with some variation of this.

You may be right that she is resisting arousal. There could be a lot of reasons. Does she have any history of abuse; sexual or emotional? Any idea how she was raised? This could be critical not only to your sex life, but if you have a child, you don't want the same attitudes passed on. Female sex organs aren't as up front as male's and the signs of arousal aren't as easily identifiable, that combined with being told not to touch there, some hand slapping, being told it's dirty, make for a woman uncomfortable with her sex. Then throw in all the societal junk, ever notice how many insults and derogatory terms relate to females? If she is concerned about being a 'good' woman she wouldn't want to fit the profile of a (we can't use those words but think of one that starts with an s). Those kind of women are trashy and cheap and they may like sex but 'good' girls/women don't.

The simple fact is that while you can encourage and be supportive and loving, only she can make the choice to make a change. She has to want it to be different, has to change her thinking or it won't happen. She'll continue to shut it down. You might try a sort of re-education to see if you can help her make subtle changes in her thinking that may add up to a change. Movies about women who find joy in love and sex (can't think of any right off but I bet if you asked our ladies could come up with a bunch) books about women's sexual fulfillment and how to orgasm and find pleasure? You may have to move into it gradually. Personally I read on the subject of sex and orgasm quite a bit but I'm into it. She needs to open to the possibility first and discover what she is missing. Will it work? Only time will tell. Only you can decide if it's worth your effort, only she can make the shift in thinking. Some people would do this better as a conscious choice, others doing without opening seeing what they are doing. You know her, would subtle or overt work better?