[Armstrong]

I am sorry for you Mohawk. But this happens to us guys as well. I find it hard to live with but keep doing so. No affair for me, just spend more time at work so I don't have to come home to frustration. Saw lots of good advice in here but you have to make the choice. Wish you much luck and hope it does work out well.

[Texasred]

Am I mistaken in thinking that men have a biological need to ejaculate on a somewhat regular basis? How is it possible for these men to go weeks, months even years with no sex? Is it safe to assume they are masturbating or even possibly having sex with someone else?

No you're not mistaken, assuming there is no physical abnormality. Yes, it would be safe to assume a guy was getting a release in some other way.

I can understand a low drive and only wanting it here or there... but years? What would be going on with the mans testicles without expelling semen for that long? Wouldn't that be very unhealthy?

You bet it would, or it would certainly feel that way!

...

And texasred, I've seen you post here forever and have gotten bits here and there about your wife but this was the first time I read your story and how things are in your marriage and I just feel awful for you.

I don't understand what her motivation for this behavior is. If you abhor sex, why get married? Why enter a relationship with a sexual person? For the financial support and impregnation? If that is the case why not be upfront with that and arrange an open marriage with a willing man.... but what you are going through is cruel beyond cruel.

I am a person that is HEAVILY against cheating and you're the first case I've ever read on this board that I feel you really shouldn't feel guilty, bad, or wrong for your affair. She can't possibly assume that you could be treated so poorly and survive that way. Everyone needs to feel loved, if she isn't making you feel loved with sex, isn't making you feel loved with affection, isn't making you feel loved by adoring you and treating you well... if she is possessing no wifely qualities...how can she expect you to behave like a loving commited husband?

I appreciate your sympathetic comments more than I can tell you. In getting back onto this thread, I've re-read the things I wrote months ago, late last year, and even *I* find it hard to understand how this could be going on.

My wife is not really dependent on me financially; she could live rather comfortably on the income from her investments. She divorced her first husband - or he divorced her - for reasons I guess I'm not too clear on, but I suppose I didn't ask enough questions during my initial infatuation with her, and now it's too late. At any rate, when we first became involved, she seemed wonderfully affectionate, and our early sex life was very very good - I used to be one of those boring guys who raced home after work instead of stopping for a beer with my co-workers.
Shoot, I used to race home at lunchtime!

But it's been a long long time since it was anything remotely like that.

As for the wonderful woman with whom I'm having an affair? I just spent an hour and a half with her this evening after work, and we spent the whole time kissing, cuddling, and touching each other, things that are never done in my "home." She has twice accompanied me on extended business trips, and those were some of the happiest times in my memory.
Ask any guy: When was the last time a woman woke YOU in the middle of the night wanting to make love???

But the best part? She likes to kiss, she likes touching, and holding - that whole "affection" thing!

So here I am, continuing to muddle through what is without a doubt a bad situation, but somehow it doesn't seem as bad as the way things were.
- TR

[Hopeless Dork]

Seriously your whole situation, made an impact on how I view affairs. I was the first person to say there is no excuse for it... ever, that if you don't love someone leave...

But in your situation, her threatning to not let you see your son if you go... her ignoring you and treating you bad if you stay... whats the out there? Leave, don't see your child, get taken for every penny you have... or stay and be with a woman that makes you feel like chopped liver, see no other woman... but keep your earnings and be able to spend time with your child.

Obviously neither of those solutions would make your life happy. So its the first time I've ever been able to see an affair in a different light. You are in a tight spot and either choice you make would bring misery upon yourself -- you are doing the only thing you can do to keep your sanity and find one iota of happiness in love in your time on this earth. I cant condemn that.

[Texasred]

...So its the first time I've ever been able to see an affair in a different light. You are in a tight spot and either choice you make would bring misery upon yourself -- you are doing the only thing you can do to keep your sanity and find one iota of happiness in love in your time on this earth. I cant condemn that.

Thanks!
Let me tell you the best part of my day: since my son has gone out for track and must go in early, I get to drive him to school on my way to work. It's about a 10 minute drive, and most mornings we stop for a doughnut - and we talk. We get to talk about everything from his grades and his friends and his video games, to American history (much of which seems to have occurred during my lifetime!) or physics and science. These are the great times in my life, and I'll sacrifice anything for this.
Anything.
- TR

[endymion]

A question for the women here who have husbands who show no interest in sex--have you ever wondered if perhaps they are gay and living a life that is a lie?

For a while I hoped he was. It would mean he was having a sex life, experiencing some passion, but no. This man is at the office all day until eight, comes home, eats dinner and is asleep by 9:30 seven days a week. He does not have the energy to have a sex life. I would be happy to learn he was having an affair, really.

I think his trouble lies in OCD that expresses itself in workaholism. Actually when I first clapped eyes on him, my first thought was "workaholic" so I really cannot be surprised by this. He also hates messy things, messy feelings, so even when we did have sex it was not a, um, primal thing. As I've said before, except for this sex issue, I love him dearly and even find his OCD cute. We mesh well together, we are very close, he is a part of me as I live and breath.

[endymion]

"Am I mistaken in thinking that men have a biological need to ejaculate on a somewhat regular basis? How is it possible for these men to go weeks, months even years with no sex? Is it safe to assume they are masturbating or even possibly having sex with someone else?"

He masturbates at the office after everyone has gone, to porn. Or he did. Lately he says his unit is not functioning even there. I don't mind that he uses porn, or that he masturbates. As I said above, at least he is getting some release/passion. He was 30 when we met and had only had a couple of girl friends. He said that it might be that he got used to the control and intensity of masturbation and that he finds intercourse distracting. He once referred to it as "hard work", no pun intended.

So I think, well, okay, you don't like it, but what about me. What about making sure I am happy in that way. Not interested. I mentioned above that he has OCD. I'm fairly certain he feels it would throw off his schedule. LOL.

I gently told him that if he has an issue like that, then it can be treated and he should see a therapist. We have lots of therapist, psychiatrist friends. He said no, they would want him to do things like take anti-depressants and do relaxation techniques and not work so much and he REALLY did not want to do that.

It was after that that I started paying a bit more attention to the body language and comments of the man who is very interested.

[Hopeless Dork]

He masturbates at the office after everyone has gone, to porn. Or he did. Lately he says his unit is not functioning even there. I don't mind that he uses porn, or that he masturbates.

I know you say that you don't mind that he uses porn and masturbates, but if he didn't do either of those things... I mean before his unit stopped functioning alltogether... that he could have used that drive on sex with you?

I think there is a difference between lack of sex drive and lack of interest in sex. If a guy is masturbating, he has a sex drive , he just doesn't want to share it.

[Rediscovered]

When I raised the possibility of a man being gay and therefore not being interested in sex with his wife, I didn't necessarily mean that he was acting out on it--just that perhaps he is not attracted to women, but may not want to pursue a gay lifestyle (much easier to stay married and live a normal-appearing life).

It would be helpful to know what type of porn he is watching after work.

[Explorer44]

Thanks!
Let me tell you the best part of my day: since my son has gone out for track and must go in early, I get to drive him to school on my way to work. It's about a 10 minute drive, and most mornings we stop for a doughnut - and we talk. We get to talk about everything from his grades and his friends and his video games, to American history (much of which seems to have occurred during my lifetime!) or physics and science. These are the great times in my life, and I'll sacrifice anything for this.
Anything.
- TR

Yep....that's what can keep a person hanging in there

[endymion]

"I think there is a difference between lack of sex drive and lack of interest in sex. If a guy is masturbating, he has a sex drive , he just doesn't want to share it.
__________________"

I think there is not much of a sex drive left, even for himself. You know, i was kind of ****ed when I found out he was giving it away at the office (with himself), but at that point I was checking out the gay theory, so finding out it was just solo activity seemed fine. Now a year or so later he reports that this is falling by the wayside as well.

He is very stressed out about work. He has been stressed out about it since the day we met. My first impression of him was "workaholic". And I do not mean in the "ha, he works a lot e is a workaholic" , but in the "this guy is obsessed with/addicted to his work and fears that if he is not there all the time, it will all fall apart."

Granted we have been some terrible economic times. The economic crisis light now is nothing to the one in 2000. And there was one in 1996 and 1994. He is an architect with his own firm. The building industry is always the first to crash if an economy takes a downturn. So he is right, in a way, but I see our other architect friends having lives.

That's what it has come down to, basically. I have kindly urged him to see a doctor or therapist, but he has refused. As I said above he shows signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I asked him to see a doctor about it, because it might be as simple as an SSRI (anti-depressant) but he refused to even consider it, which means that he is unwilling to consider doing this so we can have a sex life. That is, he does not care if I have a sex life. He feels no responsibility as a husband for me as a sexual being.

Now that I have gathered the facts and got him to declare he will not seek treatment, I am thinking it is difficult to believe that he actually expects me to live a life without passion. More talking is needed.

In the mean time, as I said above, another man is offering me a great deal of passion, complete with poetry and god knows what else. He is a doctoral student who looks at things the way I do. So there is someone out there, if I am ready.

It's difficult to give up on the husband. But is 22 years enough to base this decision on??