[CHANDLERS WISH]

HAHA.

Man, I am just trying to "see" her logic?

So, mmm, a controlling, manipulative person who puts you down, then climbs on top here and there, to "keep you there", yet doesn't need you financially, or emotionally, or physically.

So, as a woman I'm still struggling, I mean, If I wasn't wanting you to be with me any more and "off I go", I'd be GLAD you strayed so I can use it as an excuse.

So you don't "suspect?", "watch her?" maybe? That's what I would do if i was a beatch....

I am gainfully employed you little....... lol... ran Restaurants for 17 years, for "other people", had a few alternate businesses, in advertising/marketing/promotions and had a slight fall so thought Real Estate would work, 10 yrs, now, yay, I am a TOP SALES PERSON. For myself, and guess what? "Look after people and care for what happens to get them to their next step, go figure huh", lol.

[princess88]

thats really sad im sorry that this is happening to you.. I am not experiencing this problem but I can offer advice. I don't want to step on territory I shouldn't here but I think if there is this is not an ideal case for divorce than what is? Its not like him treating you this way is a new phenomenon. Its been years as you've said. I understand not wanting to start over but don't you think that going through that process would be worth it if it will inevitably lead you to happiness? especially because you do have a child, you need to make sure that you are happy and love yourself and your life. A child needs to be raised in a relatively happy environment. ALso because you have had an affair, can things really go back to normal if things did eventually get better? If another man can make you feel the way your affair guy did then it might be worth considering. You only live once, why spend you life unhappily?

[Texasred]

HAHA.

Man, I am just trying to "see" her logic?

So, mmm, a controlling, manipulative person who puts you down, then climbs on top here and there, to "keep you there", yet doesn't need you financially, or emotionally, or physically.

Yeah, I guess I'm trying to see her logic myself - and as of yet, I have not managed it!
------------------
Hey, sorry about the little dig at real estate agents!
I just couldn't help myself!

[WildChild]

I don't know... people are funny. They can do really odd things for no understandable reason.

[Texasred]

...don't you think that going through that process would be worth it if it will inevitably lead you to happiness?

Ah, but there's no guarantee of that, now, is there?
I don't see that it's "inevitable" at all.

You only live once, why spend you life unhappily?

Sometimes you take what you can get.
And I don't like sounding like a whiner, either.

[endymion]

Sexless Marriage Redux

I've been reading the posts and am sad to say I am in a similar position only I have held out longer. I've been married 22 years and have not been touched by my husband in a sexual way since our daughter was conceived 19 years ago. I love him dearly. We have been through seriously bad things together and held together. We are very close intellectually. He thinks I am beautiful and smart and funny. We laugh all the time. If only I could get him to touch me.

Flags went up or should have gone up in the year before we married. He declared morning sex impossible because it made him feel drained all day. Three years into the marriage he was doing his military service and I went to visit him. I got a hotel room. He was unable to complete the mission. When we decided to try to have a baby, we succeeded on our first try. I remember thinking that was very lucky. Then a couple of years with the pregnancy and then breastfeeding, then my adad died and I was in mourning (though I think I could have been persuaded to accept some physical solace), then recurring business troubles....blah blah blah...add in some life threatening illnesses and you have the story.

Two years ago I began a steady program of talking with him about the sex. I had him go in to be tested for testosterone levels. They came back low so he has been getting shots. They have improved his energy levels in general but done nothing for his interest in sex or ability to do it. He went for a prescription of Viagra. He used one. We got about half way through and well I don't remember what happened. He just lacked interest I think, abstractly.

I bought myself some toys. That was going well until it occurred to me that what was missing was the intimacy, the skin on skin contact.

Enter Man No. Two.
A much younger man. I am 47. He is 28. I work in publishing at a university. He is a Ph.D. student. We started talking last summer and hit it off. Not in a sexual way. Not at first. I was married. A couple of weeks ago he let it slip that he wished we could travel abroad together, and then he said, sorry, I forgot you are married. Long story short we went out for a coffee the other morning and I mentioned the sex thing and when no one was on our floor he leaned over and gave me a kiss like I hadn't had since I was 23, full of longing and passion. I was stunned speechless at first and then I kind of laughed. And kissed him back. Then came his confession that he has loved me from the start, we have a special connection, etc.

So it's five days later. I have not seen him since then. He has been posting some cryptic love poems and quotations online, and then asked me to go for coffee this Friday.

I'm thinking it all over. Thinking about talking to the husband about outsourcing his marital duties since he refuses to do them at any level. Thinking about seeing my friend and seeing where it goes. Or shagging him silly. I wouldn't even have to shag him. Some horizontal time with any degree of touching would be nice at this point.

Divorce or separation is out of the question. Husband and I stand united in everything but this sex business. But this sex business is getting bigger and bigger no matter how kind and affectionate he is.

47 and 28. Ha!

[Rediscovered]

A question for the women here who have husbands who show no interest in sex--have you ever wondered if perhaps they are gay and living a life that is a lie?

I had a similar situation with my ex-husband--we loved each other dearly, but were just best friends, not lovers, after the first few years (we were together 20 years total).

Although I don't have confirmation (yet) that he is gay, my instinct tells me perhaps that is why he was not interested in me sexually.

[WildChild]

Although I don't have confirmation (yet) that he is gay, my instinct tells me perhaps that is why he was not interested in me sexually.

What a terrible thing for him to do to you, if he is using you as a cover for his real interest.

[Hopeless Dork]

Am I mistaken in thinking that men have a biological need to ejaculate on a somewhat regular basis? How is it possible for these men to go weeks, months even years with no sex? Is it safe to assume they are masturbating or even possibly having sex with someone else?

I can understand a low drive and only wanting it here or there... but years? What would be going on with the mans testicles without expelling semen for that long? Wouldn't that be very unhealthy?

Low sex drive is no excuse for no affection.

And texasred, I've seen you post here forever and have gotten bits here and there about your wife but this was the first time I read your story and how things are in your marriage and I just feel awful for you.

I don't understand what her motivation for this behavior is. If you abhor sex, why get married? Why enter a relationship with a sexual person? For the financial support and impregnation? If that is the case why not be upfront with that and arrange an open marriage with a willing man.... but what you are going through is cruel beyond cruel.

I am a person that is HEAVILY against cheating and you're the first case I've ever read on this board that I feel you really shouldn't feel guilty, bad, or wrong for your affair. She can't possibly assume that you could be treated so poorly and survive that way. Everyone needs to feel loved, if she isn't making you feel loved with sex, isn't making you feel loved with affection, isn't making you feel loved by adoring you and treating you well... if she is possessing no wifely qualities...how can she expect you to behave like a loving commited husband?

[WildChild]

Am I mistaken in thinking that men have a biological need to ejaculate on a somewhat regular basis? How is it possible for these men to go weeks, months even years with no sex? Is it safe to assume they are masturbating or even possibly having sex with someone else?

I can understand a low drive and only wanting it here or there... but years? What would be going on with the mans testicles without expelling semen for that long? Wouldn't that be very unhealthy?

Yes you are apparently mistaken in that thinking. My ex reported having gone more than 12 years without sex and without masterbating. He said that he just didn't think of it. He apparently had a sort of cyclic situation with his testosterone levels until he developed testicular cancer. When we got together his levels were probably close to normal but dropped after marriage and he told me he never thought ot sex but was happy to oblige with I "reminded" him. Later even that stopped.

You are right that is no justification for no affection.