[WildChild]

Wow sounds like she is really POd about something. How long has this been going on? Any idea what triggered this behavior? What was she like before? I don't understand why she would want to live like this. She's not just hurting you, she's hurting herself too. People can be awfully short sighted. Have you considered counseling? You have a child between you, for his sake the two of you should at least work on being able to communicate civily.
What would she be likely to do if she learned of your affair? What are you going to do if you find yourself developing really strong feelings for this other woman? How long do you think you can continue like this?

[rcoreyus]

Texas-red, a relationship like that isn't worth it. Rather than have an affair, just ask for a divorce. If you are in a no-fault state, you won't be ruined, and will get to see your son. If this is a fault state, then her actions put her at fault.

If you live like this, your son will learn that this is the way relationships should be.

My wife almost never wants to sleep with me - but I stay with her because I love her, not because I am trapped - and it can be pretty miserable even so.

[Texasred]

Wow sounds like she is really POd about something. How long has this been going on? Any idea what triggered this behavior? What was she like before?

The lack of intimacy? For several years; it's been slowly getting worse, as I've lost interest in the very one-sided sex (as I described above). I have no idea what "triggered" this, except that when we were first married, and before we were married, we had what I thought at least was a wonderful sexual relationship: we did it often, and lovingly.
But it seems in retrospect that this was only while she was trying to get pregnant. Once we had our son, the frequency and the quality of the sex began dropping off.

I don't understand why she would want to live like this. She's not just hurting you, she's hurting herself too. People can be awfully short sighted. Have you considered counseling? You have a child between you, for his sake the two of you should at least work on being able to communicate civily.

She doesn't appear to see anything wrong with this; I remarked a while back, after one of our rare lovemakings, how much I enjoyed the feeling of closeness of holding her afterwards, and I asked her if she did too: Her reply, which I perfectly recall, was, "Not so much." She wouldn't consider counseling (I brought it up, she looked at me like I was crazy) and we HAVE communicated civilly: I've told her calmly, not accusingly, that I just need more in a relationship, and that I was not getting any satisfaction from our sex.
She interpreted that to mean only that I needed to get off; I'd almost prefer to do for myself than feeling like she's just coming to bed to "service" me!

What would she be likely to do if she learned of your affair? What are you going to do if you find yourself developing really strong feelings for this other woman? How long do you think you can continue like this?

If she found out about the affair? She'd probably shoot me! Of course it would be my fault - everything that happens here, good, bad, or indifferent is my fault.

What am I going to do if I find myself developing strong feelings for the other woman?
Too late for that question! The REASON we're lovers is BECAUSE we've developed strong feelings for each other! We've quickly reached the point where it's agonizing to be apart, so I have no idea how long I can continue like this. The only thing saving me now is that we're able to see each other be alone together, if only for an hour or two, almost every day.
Since I used to work 10 -12 hour days, the wife hasn't noticed; except to say a few days ago that I "seemed happier lately."
I was surprised she noticed anything at all about me - she never even noticed that I'd lost 25 lbs over the past 6 months!
What am I going to do?
Who knows...

[Texasred]

Texas-red, a relationship like that isn't worth it. Rather than have an affair, just ask for a divorce. If you are in a no-fault state, you won't be ruined, and will get to see your son. If this is a fault state, then her actions put her at fault.

If you live like this, your son will learn that this is the way relationships should be.

My wife almost never wants to sleep with me - but I stay with her because I love her, not because I am trapped - and it can be pretty miserable even so.

Once many years ago I divorced in a quote "no fault" unquote state, and was 12 years getting back to a normal life. Now, after 17 years in this marriage, I can't go back to eating beans and franks, driving a 10-year-old car and living in a one bedroom apartment.
Sex is nice, but so is eating regularly, and I'd like to be able to retire before I reach 100; if I got divorced now I'd be financially ruined.

My other problem is that I do love my wife, and if things could just back up a little bit, to something just a little closer to normal, I'd drop the affair without hesitation.
It wouldn't have to be daily sex (like with my new lover); once every 2 - 4 weeks would be good enough and a huge improvement!
I think it's possible my wife is going through menopause, and her lack of interest in sex is a symptom?
I've suggested, as gently as I could, that perhaps she could mention this to her doctor, but she's refused; "I don't see a problem," was her reply.
As for our son: he'll be grown in a few years, and I hope he'll make sure NOT to find a girl just like mom; in fact, I'm going to suggest it to him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There's alot of hurt going on there for you and I'm sorry..

If she catches you in the affair she then has a stronger case in Divorce..

I was watching something on the news in Alice Springs when I was away the past couple of days... A new site, aimed purely at people who only want an affair because they live in a sexless marriage.. Open, honest instead of all the "liers" on dating sites that are in-fact purely there to get warmth.

I don't understand why she "wouldn't" want a divorce.. It's almost as if she really wants you to suffer and "owe" her... It makes sense, she doesn't want sex, she purely degrades you by giving something sexually, every now and then and then, being emotionally abusive, perhaps to ensure you walk and have an affair and she claims for more?

Be very careful.. She's already picked up "your happier"..

I'm wondering if she was abused as a child... Sees sex as dirty and only had it as you believe, to have a child.

If you had ignored her years ago, treated her wrong, sure. But, the way you've explained this, is this stemmed from get go. Amazing how blind we really are, when all we want is love/intimacy & hope, belief.

I'm sure you've read my blog by now, when I first joined here... Same, emotionally abused, no "kissing" unless your good, which actually still didn't happen, what is good? lol.. Sorry, I look back and just think, you didn't ruin me, you didn't get to me, no I didn't have an affair, but then I didn't have a child, which he took away from me as well, the day after we got married....

It's control.

It's owning.

It's having it all the way "they" want it... and nothing you can do.

I also lost financially, because I was the bread winner...

You need a very good lawyer and talk this all out with her/him.

You need to start ascertaining what she does daily.. There is something amiss here and I don't know what it is, but dig deep and you will work it out.

She knows that she has you by the balls, excuse my punt.. I don't get the sex bit though... That's strange that she is doing that... She can treat you like carp and not give you anything.

I am wondering again, if she was abused and can't fathom, the shoe on the other foot, she thinks if she give it, then you won't seek elsewhere. She wants to win in every single department.

I have always been a strong believer of "walk" before you do it. Over the last couple of years? I am starting to think, differently... I can see the pain, the non-kissing, the sex just for "sex", then non cuddles, etc, for no reason just because and I don't think anyone should go through that, we have one life and one life only and if the only reason why we can't walk is money? Then, maybe we should concentrate on love and happiness, if selfishness is involved.

However, understand something.

She is going to find out about this... And you living in an apartment, not much funds, losing, is going to happen.

There is more to life than money... and when that day comes, remember that.

CW

[WildChild]

Texasred even if she won't go you should consider counseling. I did it and it was a big help in clarifying a lot of things. Sometimes we get so locked into our situation and our way of seeing it that we don't recognize all of our options. Your state allows no fault divorce but also allows divorce for adultry, you could be setting yourself up for a bigger mess than if you just bit the bullet and got the divorce.

[Texasred]

There's alot of hurt going on there for you and I'm sorry..

Thanks.

I don't understand why she "wouldn't" want a divorce.. It's almost as if she really wants you to suffer and "owe" her...
...
It's control.

It's owning.

It's having it all the way "they" want it... and nothing you can do.

Interesting that you'd say that: the only other friend I've talked about this with said just exactly the same thing, and I, who pride myself on my thinking ability, I had never thought of such a thing.

You need to start ascertaining what she does daily.. There is something amiss here and I don't know what it is, but dig deep and you will work it out.

You may be on to something here: if I think back, this does seem to have gotten much worse just in the past 6 years, just since maybe a short time after she went back to work. She has told me on several occasions, laughingly, how her boss, the company owner, fancies himself a "ladies' man," but I guess another thing that never (well, maybe once...) crossed my mind is that she might be having an affair with him! After all, she just doesn't seem interested in sex, and in all modesty I can say I'm a more attractive guy than he is! I'm tall, in good shape, don't break mirrors!
Or is it something different? What could I be missing here?
Maybe this? Could it be she simply resents working? She doesn't have to, and only went to work when we were living in an apartment while building our present home, but maybe she thinks she has to keep working?
I know she never really wanted to go back to work after we married; could she be resenting "having" to go now???
She doesn't; we lived comfortably for years on my income, but now that I'm banking a large amount each month, the paychecks "look" smaller.

She knows that she has you by the balls, excuse my pun.. I don't get the sex bit though... That's strange that she is doing that... She can treat you like carp and not give you anything.

I knew something fishy was going on! After having told me she didn't much need sex, telling me she doesn't much care for cuddling, hugging, kissing - but maybe, after a long talk, worried I might leave? - she began focusing on my sexual pleasure (something she had NEVER been concerned with except when it was necessary for conception -which only made me feel like the anonymous sperm donor...). So now she does a complete 180, makes an effort to satisfy me on a regular basis, but again, it slowly dawned on me that she was taking no pleasure in these services at all, and wasn't at all interested in any further contact once I was safely drained.
Frankly, that is about as demeaning as sex can be; I cannot imagine how some men could have self-esteem so low they could pay for sex - but then maybe the average hooker is a better actress?

OK, one more fairly important point: my wife is very attractive - she has always been beautiful, and now, in her 50s, young guys still turn and watch her walk by - if they don't think I see them! - and older guys still make fools of themselves around her. She has always dressed well and taken good care of herself, and the most exciting thing I've ever seen is when she takes her shirt off for me!
That could be why she can completely control the time and place of our lovemaking (or whatever you'd call what we do...).

I have always been a strong believer of "walk" before you do it. .... we have one life and one life only and if the only reason why we can't walk is money?

No, the main reason is my 12-year-old son; my sun rises and sets over him, he'd be hurt too much if I left, and I wouldn't get to see him every day as I do now.

f you had ignored her years ago, treated her wrong, sure. But, the way you've explained this, is this stemmed from get go. Amazing how blind we really are, when all we want is love/intimacy & hope, belief.

Yes, you're only hearing one side of this story, but how or why would I make something like THIS up?
If I were going to make up a tale for this forum, it would be one of those silly "My problem is women don't like me because my unit is so big it hurts them!"-type tales!
Ignored her? Not me! I have always complimented her (truthfully!), I was supportive of all the gyrations we both had to go through when she wanted to get pregnant, I've always done my best to let her know I love and appreciate her. I may not do the cooking often enough to satisfy her, but that's about it...

She is going to find out about this... And you living in an apartment, not much funds, losing, is going to happen.

There is more to life than money... and when that day comes, remember that.

CW

I know that;
maybe subconsciously I'm putting myself in a position where she'll catch me so I don't have to make the decision to get a divorce?
Or just to "get even with" her?
I hope that's not it!
And while there may be more to life than money, you DO have to have money to get it!
I've worked my tail off for the past seven years to clear the land and build the place we have now, a little ranch in the country, and I'd never be able to buy out her share - if I left I'd feel I was tossing the last decade down the drain.

Thanks for the thought and time you put into your reply; it's helped me to look a little deeper at her actions - and my own.
- R

[Texasred]

Texasred even if she won't go you should consider counseling.

I just can't see the point in going alone, and she has already refused to go together - not just refused, but made a point of laughing at me and belittling me for even suggesting it! "Aw, poor baby! Can't you deal with your problems?"

I went to counselling briefly, many years ago after the breakup of a relationship, and it was a complete waste: some stranger kept asking me questions that didn't seem to have a point, and after a dozen visits with no changes and no improvement as far as I could tell, I quit to spend my money on better things.
Maybe it works for some people, but I'm learning more on this forum than I ever did paying $100 an hour.

Your state allows no fault divorce but also allows divorce for adultery, you could be setting yourself up for a bigger mess than if you just bit the bullet and got the divorce.

"No fault " divorce with a child automatically becomes "His Fault" divorce, Texas or anywhere else. That's just a fact; women automatically get child custody, they're automatically presumed to be "dependent," and I could rack up huge legal bills in an unsuccessful attempt to prove otherwise.

[Guest]

I just can't see the point in going alone, and she has already refused to go together - not just refused, but made a point of laughing at me and belittling me for even suggesting it! "Aw, poor baby! Can't you deal with your problems?"

I went to counselling briefly, many years ago after the breakup of a relationship, and it was a complete waste: some stranger kept asking me questions that didn't seem to have a point, and after a dozen visits with no changes and no improvement as far as I could tell, I quit to spend my money on better things.
Maybe it works for some people, but I'm learning more on this forum than I ever did paying $100 an hour.


"No fault " divorce with a child automatically becomes "His Fault" divorce, Texas or anywhere else. That's just a fact; women automatically get child custody, they're automatically presumed to be "dependent," and I could rack up huge legal bills in an unsuccessful attempt to prove otherwise.

The word "trapped" comes to mind.

Red - you mimic my thoughts exactly regarding therapy.

Why would anyone want to go to counseling to hash out problems of their significant other, with a counselor who probably experiences the same problems at home?

[WildChild]

"No fault " divorce with a child automatically becomes "His Fault" divorce, Texas or anywhere else. That's just a fact; women automatically get child custody, they're automatically presumed to be "dependent," and I could rack up huge legal bills in an unsuccessful attempt to prove otherwise.

Not necessarily true, I know women (more than one) who's husband got the kids. My kids dad spent a fortune dragging me through the courts years after the divorce and if the kids had been younger and less able to speak for themselves the results might have been very different.

Regarding counseling, there are a lot of poor quality counselors out there but a good one can be quite a help, in ways you may not even think of - they do know the laws as well as people.