[CHANDLERS WISH]

"Aw, poor baby! Can't you deal with your problems?"

See this is manipulation. Degrading, putting you down, making you feel weak, the weaker of the sexes...

Total control over you.. As, is the sex.

but I guess another thing that never (well, maybe once...) crossed my mind is that she might be having an affair with him!

17 years together, you must remember if at the beginning she in-deed was affectionate, hugged, kissed, needed compassion.. Or, if she was cold/stand offish and more robotic where sex was concerned. Why would a woman who's having an affair, give you sex?

Sex means exactly that to her.. That's all it is, no compassion, not with love/intimacy, it's control, her control, she is in control and it's sex. Would she do that if she was having an affair? Yes, if she was on the oposite foot, that being that he has her by the balls. She may like her job as it gives her income to buy the things she wants to continue to look attractive. She may be "used" and therefore is "using" you, or as I said this could have stemmed before you were in the picture and at some point she saw "sex" not love and therefore, resented "men" not you.

This is very personal what she's doing.

She's sounding as if she knows what men want, need and how to bait them, attract them. And, then "control" in how to manipulate them.

As I said there is something amiss here.

Why would she "not" want you to leave? She has the house in the country, her son... What do you do around the house or for your son or is it that she would go nuts on her own, is she leading a double life?

You two stopped communicating along time ago or really didn't get to know how to do this one of the two. If you don't know whether she resents you for still working, then the subject matter never came up. Which is communication.

However, the way I see it? She has the conrol at this point fully. Almost blackmail. Yet she seems to get a kick out of getting you hard and doing the deed with no emotions and not giving you any love, just sex. So, wouldn't she have the control to say, "and another thing, I'm not working anymore"...

Was she ever vulvernable? Could she have been "used" and hates men? Even whilst married to you?

She has always dressed well and taken good care of herself, and the most exciting thing I've ever seen is when she takes her shirt off for me!

So who paid for those? Is that what your saying, mind you at 46 I still think I have "great assets" haha

So now she does a complete 180, makes an effort to satisfy me on a regular basis, but again, it slowly dawned on me that she was taking no pleasure in these services at all, and wasn't at all interested in any further contact once I was safely drained.

See, if she "enjoyed" sex, she would still moan and enjoy it, but then be cold and walk out once completed. This is why I am thinking, she "hates" men.. I think you should be "watching" a little closer. You say she noted you were "happier" she's observant but whilst making you feel like carp, you are not thinking she's doing anything your too busy wondering why she is this way and then searching for what is missing and for the same thing "sex" but with passion and love for what she is doing to you.

If I were going to make up a tale for this forum, it would be one of those silly "My problem is women don't like me because my unit is so big it hurts them!"-type tales!

haha, you could have said small

I've worked my tail off for the past seven years to clear the land and build the place we have now, a little ranch in the country, and I'd never be able to buy out her share - if I left I'd feel I was tossing the last decade down the drain.

I'd also start with opening another bank account and start putting a little aside, each week, every week for the time being.

CW

[WildChild]

If you think she may be having an affair why not spend a few bucks, hire an investigator and find out? But if you decide to go that route, get your skirts clean first.

[Texasred]

If you think she may be having an affair why not spend a few bucks, hire an investigator and find out? But if you decide to go that route, get your skirts clean first.

No, I guess I really don't think she's having an affair. You'd have to see her boss to know why I say that; I know HE would, in a minute! But she wouldn't - with him. And there's just not enough time otherwise for her to be doing that.
I still can't think of a plausible explanation for her behavior unless it's menopause-related. She's much more y and short-tempered than usual; that and the zero interest in sex suggests some hormonal factor, I'd think.

But thanks for your insights and your suggestions; I'll muddle through this somehow, and report back when/if it's resolved. In the meantime, it's just good we have separate bedrooms, and a lot so space between them.

[Yishe]

We're both 45, been married 11 years.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 4 years now and pretty well with no affection too. I was longing so much for physical love and attention. I tried to talk to my husband many times but nothing changed. He’s diabetic and his mom told me that he could be impotent – his dad was also diabetic and had that problem. Anyways I went back to school (I’m 51 now) in Feb 2009 and the general manager started talking to me, giving me attention and compliments (I was so happy). One day he motioned me to come in his office and said he liked me and asked if I like him. We met each other about 7 times in his vehicle, the last time in Sept. I kept wondering if it would end and thought I would be ok emotionally, but I was wrong because it is so difficult. I long so much for the physical love and attention from a man. I also wish I had not decided to go with this man. I was thinking about it for a week and I saw him making smiley faces at a few of the female students. I went to talk to him and decided to go ahead. It was difficult to have a secret, but my husband did not make any efforts to even show me that he wanted to be sexual or affectionate in any way – also he was evening drinking and that turned me off, so things did not work. How I would love to find a man that could love me, but the thought of breaking up my family is difficult. I’m hurting now, but hoping time will heal my pain. It helps to read how other women are feeling.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yishe...

You talk about him in "past tense" he/he yet clearly your still with him.

Impotent or not, it doesn't stop the affection at least, the love, the hugs, the cuddles and if your not getting that and he's drinking, then you need to get him some help and if he won't accept that, then you have to consider that maybe, he has either totally given up, which is not fair to you, affection is affection and foreplay and other things can help, or he's lost total interest.

It's your life too... good for you for going back to school and good for you for "stopping that affair". It's not so much the affair that upsets me, it's the way in which a man reduces a woman to his motor vehicle, I find degrading and selfish on a man's part, treating a woman like that when it's evident, she's lonley and an easy target for him.

CW

[Texasred]

See this is manipulation. Degrading, putting you down, making you feel weak, the weaker of the sexes...

Total control over you.. As, is the sex.
CW

I think you may be onto something here; control could be what this is all about. She does seem to have a manipulative streak.
And I wouldn't notice until it was rubbed in my face; I tend to hear the words someone says, and take them literally - I'm an engineer, after all! If I understood people at all, why would I be an engineer?

17 years together, you must remember if at the beginning she in-deed was affectionate, hugged, kissed, needed compassion.. Or, if she was cold/stand offish and more robotic where sex was concerned. Why would a woman who's having an affair, give you sex?

In the beginning, she was very VERY affectionate, or so it seemed at the time; but when I think back, that was the time we were trying to have children. It hasn't much been that way since; at first there was a valid excuse: we had a child to take care of, at the same time we were moving into a new home, a fairly large one (just over 4,000 sq ft, or a bit over 370 sq meters, for those in Oz...) that was also a bit of a challenge since it had sat vacant for a couple years, so we just seemed to go to bed exhausted every night.
And I guess I can safely say she's not having an affair; she's got neither the time nor, I think, the inclination for such.

She may like her job as it gives her income to buy the things she wants to continue to look attractive.

Of course it does, but she had that before she had the job; I have a fair income myself, and her investment income has always been a sizable fraction of what I make.

[QUOTE}She's sounding as if she knows what men want, need and how to bait them, attract them. And, then "control" in how to manipulate them.[/QUOTE]
LOL! There's never been any question about THAT!

Was she ever vulnerable? Could she have been "used" and hates men? Even whilst married to you?

Not in any way that I can think of; she comes from a family of shall we say, "modest means," but in a time when many folks did the same; she never went to bed hungry as a child. And I've never heard the first hint of abuse of any sort.

{She has always dressed well and taken good care of herself, and the most exciting thing I've ever seen is when she takes her shirt off for me!} So who paid for those? Is that what your saying, mind you at 46 I still think I have "great assets" haha

Ha! She came by those naturally, believe it or not! and if they're not perfect, that's only because they're not right here right now! LOL!

See, if she "enjoyed" sex, she would still moan and enjoy it, but then be cold and walk out once completed. This is why I am thinking, she "hates" men.. I think you should be "watching" a little closer. You say she noted you were "happier" she's observant but whilst making you feel like carp, you are not thinking she's doing anything your too busy wondering why she is this way and then searching for what is missing and for the same thing "sex" but with passion and love for what she is doing to you.

She simply doesn't allow herself to enjoy it when she's just focused on "doing me" and getting it over with as soon as possible. Then she's off to her own bedroom again...
That's why it finally dawned on me she had some ulterior motive here; first that sex had started being a lot more frequent, but then that she wasn't enjoying it as she once did. And she really did, once upon a time...

I'd also start with opening another bank account and start putting a little aside, each week, every week for the time being.

That's done; thanks for the suggestion!

[Texasred]

See this is manipulation. Degrading, putting you down, making you feel weak, the weaker of the sexes...

Total control over you.. As, is the sex.
CW

I think you may be onto something here; control could be what this is all about. She does seem to have a manipulative streak.
And I wouldn't notice until it was rubbed in my face; I tend to hear the words someone says, and take them literally - I'm an engineer, after all! If I understood people at all, why would I be an engineer?

17 years together, you must remember if at the beginning she in-deed was affectionate, hugged, kissed, needed compassion.. Or, if she was cold/stand offish and more robotic where sex was concerned. Why would a woman who's having an affair, give you sex?

In the beginning, she was very VERY affectionate, or so it seemed at the time; but when I think back, that was the time we were trying to have children. It hasn't much been that way since; at first there was a valid excuse: we had a child to take care of, at the same time we were moving into a new home, a fairly large one (just over 4,000 sq ft, or a bit over 370 sq meters, for those in Oz...) that was also something of a challenge since it had sat vacant for a couple years, so we just seemed to go to bed exhausted every night.
And I guess I can safely say she's not having an affair; she's got neither the time nor, I think, the inclination for such.

She may like her job as it gives her income to buy the things she wants to continue to look attractive.

Of course it does, but she had that before she had the job; I have a fair income myself, and her investment income has always been a sizable fraction of what I make.

She's sounding as if she knows what men want, need and how to bait them, attract them. And, then "control" in how to manipulate them.

LOL! There's never been any question about THAT!

Was she ever vulnerable? Could she have been "used" and hates men? Even whilst married to you?

Not in any way that I can think of; she comes from a family of shall we say, "modest means," but in a time when many folks did the same; she never went to bed hungry as a child. And I've never heard the first hint of abuse of any sort.

{She has always dressed well and taken good care of herself, and the most exciting thing I've ever seen is when she takes her shirt off for me!} So who paid for those? Is that what your saying, mind you at 46 I still think I have "great assets" haha

Ha! She came by those naturally, believe it or not! and if they're not perfect, that's only because they're not right here right now! LOL!

See, if she "enjoyed" sex, she would still moan and enjoy it, but then be cold and walk out once completed. This is why I am thinking, she "hates" men.. I think you should be "watching" a little closer. You say she noted you were "happier" she's observant but whilst making you feel like carp, you are not thinking she's doing anything your too busy wondering why she is this way and then searching for what is missing and for the same thing "sex" but with passion and love for what she is doing to you.

She simply doesn't allow herself to enjoy it when she's just focused on "doing me" and getting it over with as soon as possible. Then she's off to her own bedroom again...
That's why it finally dawned on me she had some ulterior motive here; first that sex had started being a lot more frequent, but then that she wasn't enjoying it as she once did. And she really did, once upon a time...

I'd also start with opening another bank account and start putting a little aside, each week, every week for the time being.

That's done; thanks for the suggestion!
Just wish I'd started that 10 years ago. What I'd have in there now might be enough for a down payment on a house.
What grinds me now is that the place we have here is paid for - we bought it for cash, but she'd get it in any divorce action.
I've checked...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yeah, it sucks I have to hand over a % of my Commerical Property (The Bank own), I hope to own in 10 - 15 to my ex-husband, now how is that? Seeing as he wasn't working and I was?

I hope this doesn't sound rude.

Really I do.. But, let's say she's not attracted to you anymore, no more compassion there, would she "use" you for sex, then go and continue in her room? Or, visa versa, start in her room and then come to you for the finish?

I just see her as controlling, manipulative, and "using"...

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

PS: Thanks for the clarifcation of 4000, being a Real Estate Agent, I do understand 370m2 lol.

[Texasred]

Y
I hope this doesn't sound rude.

Really I do.. But, let's say she's not attracted to you anymore, no more compassion there, would she "use" you for sex, then go and continue in her room? Or, visa versa, start in her room and then come to you for the finish?

I just see her as controlling, manipulative, and "using"...

CW

No not rude!
She's "using" me in some way, but not for sex; shoot, I could live with that!

But I think she's just doing her best to see to it that I don't have any "need" to stray, at least in her view. Once that's accomplished, off she goes.

And you're a Real Estate Agent?
Here I'd thought you were gainfully employed!

Best,
- R