No you're right, that's why I really wish this thread would be deleted. I don't want to be in the pity party anymore, I don't want to ever think about any of this again.
As for the rest, I really have tried all that. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I think women in high school and college probably just want to mess around and women who are older want someone with money to start a family with. I think that's just how it is. I've worked a lot, but like I said, I've tried to be moral and so I don't have any money. I don't see that in my future, I see nothing in my future.
I tried being really open minded for a while, as you say "a new page" and I know its a bad idea to bring emotional baggage into things. But it didn't work. That "new page" mentality was like... no relationship would just work like that. I would meet people every where, and we'd really hit it off, but then the next time I saw them, it was weird, and it would always fall apart.
I did think that if I believed in things, if I was positive and open that things would work out. But they didn't. That's really why the god thing doesn't work for me. Its like I tried it and I might have been happy inside, but its like... its like god keeps torturing one and torturing one and I'm supposed to believe that someday something will make up for that? Well when? I can't imagine anything making up for my life so far if I lived to be two hundred! And I don't buy the devil thing. If there's some devil out there that can screw with me as much as he wants to forever, then what good is god. No, really, I think its sort of like I looked at myself one day and realized I was really stupid, that I had been smarter when I was a child. That there was no god watching out for things and making sure it all turns out okay. That that was kind of ridiculous, I mean why would there be.
Better quality people... well, I think I just don't fit in. I mean I don't have money and better quality people have lives where they've known no pain and have money. My life fits in with drug users and ex drug users, so even if my mentality fits in with better quality people, it doesn't matter.
Look. Its easy to give advice and to feel good about helping someone. But I don't believe that there can be any help. I've been down that road too many times. And I don't believe it any more. And now you can say, well I need to do this or that, try this or that, that I need to have an open mind, even that its me closing myself off that makes it impossible for anyone to help me. Maybe so, but it also makes it impossible for them to hurt me. And so far, I've been given nice looking words, and a lot of pain. And I've already done the whole new leaf, open mind, even several times. There's nothing in it. Maybe its me, but, well I just don't want to think about this. I don't want anything to do with it... and like I said, I wish moderator would delete this thread.
And if you keep replying, maybe I'll keep pitying myself and writing about that but probably only for so long. And then the thread can be left with some empty words as a last post about how everything is great and I just need to "hang in there" like I've been told since I was a child.
But please, delete it, I don't want to see that.
As for the rest, I really have tried all that. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I think women in high school and college probably just want to mess around and women who are older want someone with money to start a family with. I think that's just how it is. I've worked a lot, but like I said, I've tried to be moral and so I don't have any money. I don't see that in my future, I see nothing in my future.
I tried being really open minded for a while, as you say "a new page" and I know its a bad idea to bring emotional baggage into things. But it didn't work. That "new page" mentality was like... no relationship would just work like that. I would meet people every where, and we'd really hit it off, but then the next time I saw them, it was weird, and it would always fall apart.
I did think that if I believed in things, if I was positive and open that things would work out. But they didn't. That's really why the god thing doesn't work for me. Its like I tried it and I might have been happy inside, but its like... its like god keeps torturing one and torturing one and I'm supposed to believe that someday something will make up for that? Well when? I can't imagine anything making up for my life so far if I lived to be two hundred! And I don't buy the devil thing. If there's some devil out there that can screw with me as much as he wants to forever, then what good is god. No, really, I think its sort of like I looked at myself one day and realized I was really stupid, that I had been smarter when I was a child. That there was no god watching out for things and making sure it all turns out okay. That that was kind of ridiculous, I mean why would there be.
Better quality people... well, I think I just don't fit in. I mean I don't have money and better quality people have lives where they've known no pain and have money. My life fits in with drug users and ex drug users, so even if my mentality fits in with better quality people, it doesn't matter.
Look. Its easy to give advice and to feel good about helping someone. But I don't believe that there can be any help. I've been down that road too many times. And I don't believe it any more. And now you can say, well I need to do this or that, try this or that, that I need to have an open mind, even that its me closing myself off that makes it impossible for anyone to help me. Maybe so, but it also makes it impossible for them to hurt me. And so far, I've been given nice looking words, and a lot of pain. And I've already done the whole new leaf, open mind, even several times. There's nothing in it. Maybe its me, but, well I just don't want to think about this. I don't want anything to do with it... and like I said, I wish moderator would delete this thread.
And if you keep replying, maybe I'll keep pitying myself and writing about that but probably only for so long. And then the thread can be left with some empty words as a last post about how everything is great and I just need to "hang in there" like I've been told since I was a child.
But please, delete it, I don't want to see that.
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