[danceintx]

Marie 36, you will not be able to fix your marriage by yourself. I finally divorced my ex husband, the father of my 2 year old, because he just wouldn't try. I was reading books, pushing counseling, etc. And all he could do was complain and keep lieing, cussing me out every day, same old same old. You probably went back to your husband too soon. I would have been willing to seperate from my husband and give him the chance, if I had seen a year of good behavior, for my 2 year old I would have gone back, but he couldn't come close to doing that. Your husband does not have coping skills. He needs therapy to learn how to deal with issues the right way. Otherwise you are spinning your wheels.

I feel like society's morals have gone down the toilet and this is why people cheat so much more. Now people used to cheat a lot. But it was kept more underwraps and women just kept their mouths shut and accepted it more. But there is obviosly more accepted and open sexuality now. 30 years ago you would never see all the nudity and sexuality in movies. We all know sex is everywhere we turn now and people are way more open about it. Heck now we have 11 year olds having babies and are no onger pariahs in society like they were. Thanks to hippies and all their "free love" (just kidding I love hippies). Morality is also a factor. Nobody cares about doing the right thing anymore. It's a free for all as far as I see it. And it won't get any better anytime soon.

[Marie36]

danceintx, trust me when I say, you did the right thing by ending the marriage while your child was still so young. See, I made the mistake of believing in him every time he threw me a bone and made it seem as though things would be better. So I stuck it out with him while my kids were small. Now my kids are 16 and 11. When I left him after his affair, it was torture on my children. They understood why we left, but they couldn't help but to miss their house, their friends and to want their parents together again. There was a lot of crying and their grades suffered in school quite a bit. They didn't know I was seeing the other guy, because I never brought him around them. I only saw him on the weekends they were with their father. Some days they wanted me back with their father and other days they loved the freedom we had without him. Less stress without him, but at the same time....they still missed the comforts of "home" and being a family. So tough.

As far as fixing my marriage by myself, that's exactly how I felt for years. My husband would always say "We have been through so much, but we got through it and we're still together". He would say that to people and he would seem so proud that our marriage out lasted others. Meanwhile, we were only together, because of ME. I kept forgiving and forgiving and forgiving. But I have truly run out of forgiveness now. I am catching him in lies about money and he has done some things that make me question him.

For instance, he decided to go to a hockey game a couple months ago with a friend of his from work who I have never met. I've heard the name and heard the guys voice on the phone, but never met him. Well, instead of having his friend pick him up at our house, he drove down our hill (literally takes a minute to drive down this hill) and had his friend pick him up there and he left our car down there until they got back. While at the game, he sent me text messages with pics of the game and brought home the program and even talked about different plays and stuff with me. Like he wanted to make sure I knew that's where he was. It was almost as if he were giving too much detail ya know?

But none of that stopped me from questioning his reason for having his friend pick him up down the hill from our house rather than at our house. His response was that he was trying to keep his friend from going out of his way....again, not even a full minute's drive up the hill!! So, it's things like that that make me feel as though this marriage is never going to work. He's been great to me in many other ways since I have moved back home. Almost like the perfect husband....except for these little lies I catch him in and his shady behavior that night.

[danceintx]

Oh, I know how you feel. No telling if he is truly hiding something, or if he just likes to hide things for no apparent reason, you know? My ex would lie about things that didn't even matter. There were times, I would catch him hiding something, confront him about it, he would cuss me out and call me crazy, which would lead to a big fight, since I didn't like being cussed out much, and when it all came out, what he was hiding was completely stupid, like I wouldn't have even gotten mad. But he always chose to lie and hide than just be honest. I guess some people are just like that. Now, he also hid things like cheating etc. Heck, when he left, he was on a date within 2 hours. Now, how does that happen?

I went through hard times too when we split, My son was 1-1/2 at the time, had never been in daycare, or away from me for very long. When he would come pick him up my son would cry for an hour every time. It was hard, I was also broke, struggling, here in Houston where I knew no one, had no family, and alone with 2 kids. When he left, I hadn't even had a job in 4 years. But I knew in the long run, me and the kids were much better off not living in that kind of chaos and hostile environment. We are so much better off now, I have the job I always only dreamed about, sexy sweet boyfriend, and my kids are happy.

[Guest]

His reasons for cheating on me had nothing to do with sex. We both agreed that there were never any issues in that department. But due to him working nights and me working during the day, we grew apart emotionally. Instead of him trying to get closer to me and talking to me about how he felt, he turned to her. . .

Once I moved out, I started talking to the other guy more and more and eventually, it became more than friends. Yep, I ended up having an affair (while separated from my husband) with the husband (now ex) of the girl my husband had an affair with. Confused yet?
. . .

I realize how hypocritical that is of me, because if my husband was still talking to the other girl, I would file for divorce immediately. So, I know I’m wrong, I just don’t know if I have the strength to correct my wrong. . .

This is where my resentment toward my husband comes to play. I have always been 100% faithful to him….through all the he put me through and even during the first 16 months after his affair. But his cheating opened the door for someone else to get close to me and now I am stuck with feelings for another man. . .

wow, that sounds like an awful lot of drama.

you mention that your and your husband admit his affair wasnt about sex, but because he got emotionally connected to her. just like you did to her husband later on.

i dont think you can blame your husband for you having feelings for someone else.

and i have to ask, if you turned to him because you felt emotionally alone, maybe your husband had the same sort of reasons? why was it easier to turn to her instead of you? I dont know, just wondering.

to address your initial question, i think the reason that so many marriages have issues is that there isnt a real emotional connection between the partners, or that somehow it gets easily lost. we have become a country of people wanting immediate gratification, and when we cant get from one place, we immediately move towards places where we do get it. and sometimes its easier to listen as a stranger than someone who is so close to the situation, and faux feelings develop.

[Marie36]

danceintx, I'm glad to hear you are so happy now. I guess it can be just as hard on the little ones as it is on older children. But one good thing is, your little one will never remember what it was like to live with you and your husband under the same roof. I mean that in a positive way, because that means he can't miss it. My husband lied about stupid things too....like you said, things I wouldn't have even gotten mad about. I think it's just part of who he is???

sperosi, yes....a lot of drama. Something I never wanted. And I completely agree with you about not blaming my husband for my feelings or affair. When I really think about it, I don't blame him....but then there are times where my feelings and emotions get the better of me. When I would miss the other guy or be confused about having feelings for both men at the same time, I would get bitter toward my husband. I guess it's because I was always so faithful and never even considered being with anyone else until he cheated on me and put me in that vulnerable position. The reality is, I am responsible for my own actions, but sometimes I can't help how I feel in response to this whole mess.

I do think I turned to the other guy, because I felt emotionally alone like you said. No one else could understand what I was going through better than him since we were hurt by the same two people. Not only did my husband hurt my children and I with his affair, but he left me with no money....just like danceintx, I was broke. My gas was shut off for 3 months, phone cut off for a few weeks and if it weren't for the love of good friends, we wouldn't have had any food in the house. I had just started back to work on a part-time basis. So there was very little money.

Between my personal heartbreak, having to be strong for my children who were hurting as well and worrying about bills.....I was struggling inside. So I leaned on the other guy when he offered a listening ear. He would call and check on me and the kids and offer help with anything I needed. I think at first, he was there for me, because he felt bad for me. But then we became good friends through it and started talking on the phone daily and about everything....including his dates once he was divorced. But as time went on and we got to know each other even better, it became much more to both of us.

As for my husband.....I can’t speak for him as I don’t really know what went through his head for sure. But I can tell you what he has told me. He says the only reason he turned to her was because she was there. He says getting to know her and becoming close to her happened by chance and was influenced by alcohol and lack of sleep. Yes, that’s what he really said.

See, at the time…I was working daylight while he was working night turn. So we only saw each other for maybe an hour every day during the week. Then he would spend Saturday nights at their house drinking with them while I was home with the kids. That never bothered me and I would sometimes join them if the kids were at their grandparents or something. However, what I didn’t know was…the more they drank, the more he talked with the wife and got to know her….and the more drunk the husband got and would actually fall asleep. So my husband would be there until 2 or 3 am talking to her while her husband was passed out.

Between the lack of time we had together during the week, the amount of time he was spending with her, the amount of alcohol he was drinking…and according to him, the lack of sleep (since he was trying to get used to sleeping during the day), he ended up cheating on me with her. Once they realized they had feelings for each other, they started spending time together during the day while her husband and I were at work.

I can honestly say if my husband had come to me and told me he felt a distance with me, I would have listened and tried to correct it. But according to him, he didn’t realize how he felt until she was already in the picture. In a way, I can understand that, because I didn’t realize we were that distant either. I think we just got used to not seeing each other. Looking back now, we both realize what a toll the different schedules and spending so much time away from each other took on our marriage.

[SinisterUrge]

My question to everyone is, why do you think this is happening?

Sex, money or religion. For 99.9% of humanity those are the underlying three factors to just about all ills real and imagined.

What do you think is causing such a decline in successful marriages?

Was marriage ever 'successful'? Today we get divorced, in 1947 the husband simply killed the wife and told people "she ran away with somebody", before credit cards and security cameras if you wanted to leave you just left.

My grandfather worked 50 hour weeks, drank three hours a day at the bar and spent every weekend in the woods hunting deer or fishing. He could go days without speaking to or seeing his wife or children. By todays standards he was a severe alcoholic that bordered on being a deadbeat. But he stayed married (who knows how many affairs). Was that better than todays quickie divorce?

My wife's caught her first husband in bed with her sister. Should she have "stuck it out" instead of getting divorced? Would that make a marriage successful?

[danceintx]

Honestly, my philosophy on marriage is different and most would think it was nuts. But I don't even get the point of marriage. Like, what does it actually get you? The way I see it, no one is any more committed, or faithful, or happy for that matter, because they signed a license and said some vows. Being committed or faithful is a choice, and I don't see why you need to be married to be faithful or committed to someone. I only see negatives with marriage. I would rather live in sin with someone for the rest of my life than be married. JMHO.
This may be my jaded thought process since being with my ex husband, but I never really had a big urge to be married ever.

[Guest]

Marie36,

it sounds like kind of the same thing happened with you and your husband. someone else was around, a connection developed, and it became something more than just friends. Just that your husband's happened first.

I'm not saying that to justify what happened with either of you, but it makes it easier to see just how things like that can happen, and sometimes very unintentionally.

as far as having feelings for two men, i dont think that is as unusual as some people think it is. i have feelings for a number of people, and to varying degrees. the difference is whether or not they are acted upon, or maybe even discussed. i told one person about my feelings for them and it just completely destroyed the friendship. i told another and we have been "just friends" for more than 20 years.

no real answers for you, other than suggesting marriage counseling if both of you want to get past each others mistakes and try to move forward.

[newhere808]

Honestly, my philosophy on marriage is different and most would think it was nuts. But I don't even get the point of marriage. Like, what does it actually get you? The way I see it, no one is any more committed, or faithful, or happy for that matter, because they signed a license and said some vows. Being committed or faithful is a choice, and I don't see why you need to be married to be faithful or committed to someone. I only see negatives with marriage. I would rather live in sin with someone for the rest of my life than be married. JMHO.
This may be my jaded thought process since being with my ex husband, but I never really had a big urge to be married ever.

This is getting to be a farily common view on the subject, and I feel it is part of the problem in a way. Peoples view on marraige being pointless inherently lead to people treating a marriage like it's pointless.

Not to point the finger or anything, but if you already feel that the idea of marriage has no merit, it should come as no surprise to anyone that the marriage doesn't work out.

That being said I know people that have been together for years, have children, live together and are unmarried, and it works for them. I guess there truly is no "right" or "wrong" on the matter, but marriage has been given a much worse rep in recent times then it deserves IMO.

[danceintx]

Actually, in my marriage I was the only one that treated it like it meant anything. While my ex cheated, threatened a divorce almost daily, lied, cussed me out, and was abusive. I have never felt as strongly about marriage being a farce as I do now, and my marriage really brought it home for me. I never had Cinderella syndrome like other women did anyway, but now I would not even condider marriage. I have utmost respect for people's marriages and am supportive of others marraiges. But I don't see any reason why I would want to do it.