[Guest]

i have to say i am so sorry that you had to go through all of this, but at the same time it is very refreshing to hear someone explain exactly what happened and admit that getting to the point of having an affair isnt quite as hard or "evil" as some make it out to be.

now dont get me wrong, I am not saying that it is ok to have an affair. what I am saying is that a set of circumstances can make it easier to occur, even if the parties involved never would have pursued one otherwise.

I think you hit on a key point about losing the spark. as parents we focus so much energy and attention on our kids. as providers, whichever or both working parents put an awful lot of focus on earning a living. unfortunately, we often time focus so much on the kids and the work that we fail to focus on our SO and our relationships with each other.

many years ago i worked with a retiree from the navy in an admin job. he told me about how he was in for 28 years and had a wonderful marriage to his high school sweetheart. but that within 8 months of retiring and being home all of the time they separated and eventually got divorced. he said that they had just grown apart over the 28 years and no longer knew each other, and that it took them actually spending real time together to realize it.

I guess the moral of the story is that relationships are work, and that if you put everything else first, you may not have one when all is said and done.

Sorry for the rambling Marie36. Again I am sorry for what you have had to gone through, but it does sound like you and your SO can work things out and save your relationship with each other.



,

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Aweeee, now I am proud of you

There is a time in our lives where we do say "no more"... It's my life too.

I suspect because you were able to ascertain someone else out in this world will / did love me, and support me, was there for me, made me laugh, love, and then there was intimacy on a different level, that you KNOW that it can happen again.

I do believe that you give your all to a marriage until there is no more to give and at that point you make your mind up, a decision and usually, it's at a point where you look at your husband in discust, distain and couldn't fathom him touching you. At that point you've had enough and with all the efforts you've tried falling on deaths door, you leave.

I also hope that what ever his reasons for going backwards ie) too much stress, can't cope, needs you around all the time, hates work, etc that he learns to control those feelings / thoughts as not to bring others into it, like yourself and your children.

Maybe he needs to start reading books and learning about self control over stressful situations.

I don't think that marriages end due to cheating, I'm living proof, neither of us did, mine ended because I tried for 7.5 years, to change a point of view from batchelor and hating women, to marriage and loving me.

I remember asking "why do you love me?", after we separated and tried again... hehe, the answer was " Because your gorgeous looking and intelligent", WT?

Wrong answer....

2.5 years later, I am so happy on my own, and will not settle, have dated, didn't go for the second ones, because I know who I am and it's inner beauty that I want acknowledged.. Me...

Keep believing in yourself, your strengths, your capabilities and as I said, you know that you are someone that could have what you are after in life, so focus for now on letting your husband see the inner you, whom he met, and you of him...

Let go of what happened, because I suspect this will be your last chance together, no point, putting obsticles in the way, go full in .. and test the waters and make it happen, if not you know your answer, but if you hold on to past, it won't happen either.



CW

[Guest]

so when are you taking your husband out for a romantic date? what ya gonna do to set off a spark?

[Marie36]

Thank you sperosi and CW for “listening”. It’s nice to be able to come on here and kind of let things out and hear other people’s views and opinions. Especially since you are two people who are looking from the outside in.

Sperosi-Don’t ever apologize to me for rambling…have you seen my posts? lol…I never shut up. I feel so sad for the couple who got a divorce after 28 years. What a shame. But I have heard stories like that before. Especially from couples who got married really young, because they tend to grow up and then grow apart. A lot of them split up after the kids are grown. Like CW said, it doesn't have to be an affair that ends a marriage.

As you can see through my last post, my husband and I have had many struggles over the years, but as far as the affair goes, it was truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was devastated. However, it was also one of the best things that could have happened to me. Sounds crazy I know. But as I explained to CW, I came out as a stronger person because of it. I am stronger and more independent, because of it. But I know it takes two to make this marriage work. I’m just glad he’s finally doing his part. Like you said “if everything else comes first, you may not have one when all is said and done” So true.

CW-Aww, I'm glad you're proud of me....I deserve a cookie or something! lol I’m sure it was nice to hear you’re gorgeous and intelligent…but like you said, ummm…that’s not love buddy. Now, I am proud of YOU for ending that relationship.

Thank you for the encouragement and I am doing my best to let go. I have truly forgiven my husband, but trust is still an issue on both ends. It’s kind of hard to completely let go too, because he tends to bring up the other guy. He doesn’t throw it in my face or anything, but he will talk about it and tell me how it still hurts him. When he brings that up, it reminds me of everything else too. We don’t fight or anything, but we do talk about it. Although, I just recently told him I don't appreciate the guilt trips he seems to want to put me on and that they will no longer work. What's done is done. We can either rise above it, leave it in the past and move on...or we can end the marriage. Because I am sick of talking about it. He understood.

We do have a good relationship right now…different than it was, but good. Almost better in a way. For me, it’s a time thing. I need to see that he is going to continue to be good to me and my kids for more than a short amount of time. It needs to last and yes, you are right…if this doesn’t last, it will be over. I will waste no more of my time with separations. It is my prayer and my hope that my marriage continues to heal and only get stronger. But if it doesn’t work, I will no longer try.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think there is something there to work with...

I think your strength will pull it through as well...

Add, some things you use to do when you first met, get the old photo album out and laugh... Start your date nights again, the only way to move forward it to exactly do that, change all the "current" things that are "boring" to things that are funny and happy

Thank you for your compliment back, me glad me left too

There is so much love in this world, I know, because that's all I give, and I shall find someone whom knows how to share and give it back as well....

After all, we are but young

CW

[Guest]

Marie36,

you ducked the question.

what are you going to do to make things better for the two of you? what's the spark you gonna use to set things back towards the way they were when you and you DH first met?

[Marie36]

Sorry sperosi, I would never intentionally duck a question. ;-)

Making things better for the two of us-Things are already much better for us. We brought back date nights and are actually going out tomorrow to hear a band. When the weather is nice, we also go ridin on the Harley and that usually leads us to something like ice cream or dinner somewhere. ;-) We'll go to a movie sometimes or if the kids are at their grandparents, we'll make dinner at home and drink some wine together.

Also, I was always willing to go out with his friends if he wanted me to, but he would never go out with mine. He just recently changed that. He stepped out of his comfort zone and went to a Halloween party at my friend's house. Then we all went out together last month...some of his friends and some of mine. It was a lot of fun. We also do family nights with the kids. We'll either stay home and play games, watch a movie and order pizza. Or we'll take them out to go bowling and play miniature golf...or a movie in the theatre. So changes have been made to get us back to where we were and it no longer feels like work to us. We naturally want to spend time together. Which is why he is now asking me to start taking ball room dancing lessons with him! I love to dance, but was never interested in ballroom dancing. However, I am willing to give it a try if he really wants to do it. And it actually sounds kinda fun now. We're also going on a trip to Italy in August. So, there are changes that have already been made and more to come.

I get text messages from him sometimes telling me that he misses me and can't wait to see me when I get home. I do the same. I text him when I happen to be thinking about him or missing him. So, it's nice. We've also had our own little sex texting adventures. haha I never knew how much fun that could be! Makes me very excited to get home!

The spark-We didn't get the spark or connection back right away. But it is there now. When I first returned home, it was about "working" on our marriage and reconnecting as a family. Through that work and the time him and I have spent together, the spark came back naturally. I don't think I can say there's butterflies, but I do look forward to spending time alone with him and going out for our date nights.

I can't say exactly when we re-connected or how the spark came back. But I remember one night him and I were sitting in the car talking and our eyes met....I realized right there that I was very much in love with him again. He must have felt it too, because he put his hand on mine and said " I love you so much". He stopped me in the middle of grocery shopping the other night and planted a huge kiss on me and told me how much he loved me. I love things like that. Makes me feel loved and wanted.

The only problems we are currently dealing with are getting over the past. We're making progress...a lot, but when he brings up the other guy, it reminds me of his affair. And the hardest part is, the other guy still lives just two doors up the street. We've discussed moving, but so far, haven't made any attempts.

[newhere808]

Your definately taking steps forward, and that is what important. Actual relationships are nothing if not "works in progress". If a relationship is 100% awesome al the time, then something is false about it. Things get rough, things can get stagnant, but as long as the people involved are willing to work at fixing things and keeping things fresh, the "spark" will never really go away. I think that is what's missing from a lot of relationships these days.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, I know that he had the affair and you were separated when yours occured, but remember something, he's actually hurting just as much and fears just as much, after all this guy lives 2 doors down the road, ouch!!

So, try to be a little understanding, he probably fears sub-consciously, over this guy being so close and also there has to be times when he "sees" him... Male/Female, we are ALL human...

Where his is in your "mind", yours in in "his face" so to speak.

So, the closure here I think would be to move so you both can continue this journey of re-connection of the souls in peace

CW

[Marie36]

I couldn't agree with you more CW. I would be perfectly fine with moving and told him that. Right now, it's a matter of getting some things taken care of in our house that will help us sell it and getting the down payment together for a new house. On one hand, my husband wants to move. But then on the other hand, he'd rather spend the money to go to Italy, because he found family there. So I left that choice up to him and being that he is meeting with his aunt and booking our flights this month....I guess he chose the trip to Italy.

I have been very patient and understanding, because I've felt what he feels. And also because I am sensitive to the fact that the other guy still lives two doors up the street....and yes, we do see him every so often. Honestly, if it was her living up there, I probably would have been arrested for beating her(edit) several times. So, I do sympathize with him. I can handle him talking to me about how he feels and when he's hurting.

But it's when he makes it out like I was such a terrible person, because he wanted to work things out and I chose to be with someone else that I get upset. I moved out, because after a 6 month separation and then 10 months of us trying to work it out after his affair, he was meaner than ever. Not abusive....but just cold and mean toward me. I don't know if he was still trying to get over her and taking it out on me, but he was very mean to me and I finally had enough and left. When I told him I was leaving, he kept crying off and on for a whole week. I mean, he would wake me up at 2 or 3 in the morning asking me not to leave. But it was too little too late. I had enough. So when I left him, I wasn't looking to work it out anymore. That's why I didn't care how hard he was trying at first.

Anyway, he doesn't throw it in my face really....but he'll say things like "I just can't believe you could be with him when you knew I was trying so hard to get you back" or "That's not like you, you were better than that. Didn't you ever feel guilty or think of me?"

That's when it reminds me of his affair. Because then I get frustrated and tell him that if it had not been for the way he treated me over the years and I forgave him just so he could top it all off with an affair, I wouldn't have even been in the position to be with another man.

It is getting better, but the jealousy and pain rear their ugly heads every so often. But we are making progress.