[WildChild]

Actually, in my marriage I was the only one that treated it like it meant anything. While my ex cheated, threatened a divorce almost daily, lied, cussed me out, and was abusive. I have never felt as strongly about marriage being a farce as I do now, and my marriage really brought it home for me. I never had Cinderella syndrome like other women did anyway, but now I would not even condider marriage. I have utmost respect for people's marriages and am supportive of others marraiges. But I don't see any reason why I would want to do it.

Agreed. Tried and tried, won't do it again. I believe in commitment. I believe in love. It doesn't work when it's all on one side.

[danceintx]

Agreed. Tried and tried, won't do it again. I believe in commitment. I believe in love. It doesn't work when it's all on one side.

Totally agree. Like I told my ex while we were standing on the couthouse lawn after getting our divorce finalized, and he was still trying to give me bs to try to take him back. I do not want anyone to own me ever again, and I don't want to own anyone else. I just want to love someone and make them happy. It's much more beautiful to me to have someone come home to me everyday because they choose to, not because they have to because I have papers on them.

[WildChild]

Totally agree. Like I told my ex while we were standing on the couthouse lawn after getting our divorce finalized, and he was still trying to give me bs to try to take him back. I do not want anyone to own me ever again, and I don't want to own anyone else. I just want to love someone and make them happy. It's much more beautiful to me to have someone come home to me everyday because they choose to, not because they have to because I have papers on them.

What I've found, and it's been a factor several times, is that men seem to be far more emotionally delicate than women. They get hurt once or twice and spend the rest of their lives punishing every woman who dares to love or care about them. I hate to think at 52 I'm done, but I've been dealing with it over and over since my first marriage - before I was 21! It seems to be a bigger factor as I deal with older men.

[danceintx]

I know what you mean Wildchild. I don't know that men aare more emotionally delicate as much as they do not have the same tools to deal with emotions as most women. It is common for boys to be taught not to cry, not to be a sissy, be tough, you don't talk about your feelings, you're strong, blah, blah, blah. I have read books about it and I do belive most men cannot deal with things emotionally as well as women can for the most part. I also see what you are saying about as they get older. I have experienced this too.

[newhere808]

Actually, in my marriage I was the only one that treated it like it meant anything. While my ex cheated, threatened a divorce almost daily, lied, cussed me out, and was abusive. I have never felt as strongly about marriage being a farce as I do now, and my marriage really brought it home for me. I never had Cinderella syndrome like other women did anyway, but now I would not even condider marriage. I have utmost respect for people's marriages and am supportive of others marraiges. But I don't see any reason why I would want to do it.

Fair enough, i could certainly see someone forming that point of view after a bad marriage, I think I misunderstood your other post.

Still though, a marriage gone bade doesn't mean marriage is bad. That'd be like me hating women cause one screwed me over, or you hating all men cause of the result of your marriage. Marriage's don't fail cause their meaningless, they fail cause of the people involved, in the case your outlining your ex husband. I do agree that the idea of marriage has certainly been tarnished over the years, but I guess everyone has their own take on the matter.

[Marie36]

sperosi,

Yes, I agree with you...to some degree. During the time my husband started his affair, we hardly saw each other during the week. But his children and I were home during the weekends when he was off work and could have spent more time with us. I was there all weekend long. But he chose not to be there. Instead, he chose to go to his friend's house and drink with him and his wife....then hung out even after his friend would pass out. That's how his affair began. It wasn't until their feelings came out that they started seeing each other in the day time during the week. So the time he originally chose to spend with his friend and her, was time that I was right there and he could have been with me.

That being said, I still agree with you about each of us developing a connection with someone else because they were around. Although he should have been at home more on the weekends, I do not believe he was looking to have an affair with her. Affairs don't happen for no reason at all. I agree with my husband about the distance and feel that we were obviously unhappy before his affair. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been spending his free time with his buddy and wife instead of his own family.

I personally have never had feelings for two men before in my life. I loved my husband with all I had. But now part of my heart is still with the other guy. I think he will always be special to me, because of how he was there for me and because the connection I had with him was different from anything I ever had with my husband. My husband put me through a lot over the years and I continued to forgive, but once you have a taste of what it's like not to have that constant drama in your life, you don't ever want to go back to it. Like you said...I love them both, but with varying degrees.

danceintx,

I completely understand your feelings about marriage. Especially after what you have gone through. I too believe in commitment and love....and honestly, I love being a wife....but not at any cost. There's only so much a person can take. I hope things continue to only get better for you.


I don't remember who it was that asked if marriage was ever really successful, but you gave me something to think about. Perhaps it just seems like things are worse now, because divorce is more accepted??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But now part of my heart is still with the other guy. I think he will always be special to me, because of how he was there for me and because the connection I had with him was different from anything I ever had with my husband.

When someone lets you down, you immediately need a replacement in your "mind" and in that, you view your past and how "that" person connected, with you.. It's you personally admitting that you and your husband never had that connection to start with.

This is why you two have struggled for so long. And, it's the lack of connection more so than you not being at home, the lonliness of that, that he was living his own life anyway at that point in time, so therefore, there was nothing there really for him on the weekends, as there wasn't the connection of "can't wait to see her", because of the laughter and love in your lives.

Often people "Settle", they go with the chemistry reaction they have when they meet, settle emotionally into that relationship and go through with marriage, then wonder why later it hasn't panned out... Sure, there is love there, but there's a difference of loving someone and being "in love with them", totally....

CW

[Marie36]

CW

I can understand why you would think there was a lack of connection between my husband and I based off of the info I have posted here, but it couldn't be further from the truth. We have over 20 years of history together and really all you guys have heard about so far is the negative stuff, which would total about 5 years of struggling. That just seems to be the topics I've come across right now.

However, my husband and I have shared so much happiness together. That's part of the reason why I couldn't just up and divorce him. To this day, no one makes me laugh more than him and we never stopped being affectionate toward each other...still holding hands and so on. Sure, we may not get the butterflies anymore since we have been together so long. But my husband tells me quite often that he missed me during the day or he can't wait to see me when I get home....and when we feel like we haven't had enough time together, we take off for a date night. That's a lot easier now that our kids are older and can be home by themselves.

He has told me when he realized he could lose me, he felt he was losing his soulmate and bestfriend. However, that connection was lost for awhile...possibly due to the work schedules and just the everyday life of a married couple with two kids?? But when we got married, we were head over heels in love (and had been dating for 5 years already)and although I don't feel the same toward him yet, I do feel love for him again and it's slowly getting stronger as time goes on. Just hard to let that "wall" down and allow myself to trust again. I'm sure he feels the same, although he says he does trust me and has asked that I just allow him to love me and prove himself to me again.

What I meant about the connection being different was....what I felt connected me to my husband was different from what I felt connected me to the other guy. They both made me laugh alot, which is always important to me...sense of humor. But they each brought something different out of me. My husband brought out the more brave side of me and the other guy brought out the more carefree side. I felt connected to both, but in different ways. Hard to explain I guess. Another thing that I realized while thinking about this is...some of the things that connected me to the other guy were things that once connected me to my husband, but got lost as time went on. I'm sure he found the same with her.

Unfortunately, when you are married, work full-time, have children together and have to worry about paying bills and normal everyday reality stuff.....it's a lot harder to find that connection or spark again. I guess it was easier for him to find it with her while I was at work, the kids were at school and they had no responsibilities together that they had to deal with or talk about. I really believe that's how most affairs begin and why people find these so-called connections. Because they are away from the reality of their everyday life. Maybe??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My husband put me through physical abuse for the first two years, then continued with verbal and emotional abuse (we can get into why I call this abuse later) for several years. He has lied to me throughout our entire marriage and he struggled with an addiction for awhile. Somehow….we worked through most of these issues (the lies just keep flowing)! I don’t know if it was God’s grace or just my stupidity and love for my husband, but after counseling and making some significant changes in how we lived, we got through these things.

Unfortunately, the changes only lasted about 3 years. Then he cheated on me

Hun, I can see that you love your husband and I'm pleased that he has changed, is affectionate, romantic...

But, I was talking about "no connection", based on the above comment you made.

You had 3 years out of 20 of a connection... The rest was abuse, now cheating...

This other guy surely made you feel good about yourself, which is something you probably very much needed. Was it a connection then? With him, or was it more of a "need" that you've been missing...

In my opinion it's not because of work, or away from day to day reality... the things he engaged in early on in your marriage, relationship, physical abuse, verbal, emotional is disregard of a person. So is having the affair. His nature...

Whereas yours perhaps was more sub-conscious of the need and want to feel "wanted and needed" in a different way, after all you certainly went through a heck of a lot in your marriage and remained in it and fought for it, to which you should be very proud of.

Some people are "born" to think about themselves first and up-most than someone else, they way they were bought up, a selfishness of sorts.

He may be caring in alot of other ways deep down inside, a nice guy who was stuck, and who keeps getting un-stuck and reverting to how he was bought up, or how he believed back then.. Abuse isn't something that easily goes away from a person's sub-conscious when they have been actively abusing for years, which he did to you.

Your a brave woman and one whom obviously doesn't ever give up...

CW

[Marie36]

Hi CW,

Sorry this is very, very, very long. But I wanted to respond to some of what you said/asked. And well….I tend to talk to much! lol

“You had 3 years out of 20 of a connection... The rest was abuse, now cheating...

-Oh no, I didn’t mean we only had 3 good years throughout the whole marriage/relationship. I meant only 3 good years between the counseling and affair.

During the 5 years we dated, my husband never put a hand on me and was very good to me. Not only did we have a lot in common, but just like other young couples who fall in love, we got the butterflies when we were together....always excited to see each other and we'd even do the silly things like gazing into each other's eyes, writing poetry (me), love letters (him) or song lyrics (both of us) to each other. Yeah, we were corny...lol...but head over heels. That’s what I mean by we did have a connection at one time.

After marriage, those things tend to fade (the butterflies and stuff), but we still had a lot in common and continued to be very affectionate, loving and romantic over the years.

Unfortunately, there were moments in between that time that weren’t good. There was some physical (first 2 yrs) and verbal abuse (few years more) in the beginning. However, neither abuse was constant (every few months during arguments) and it all ended within 5 years of marriage after he went through some counseling.

We had about 3 good years after that before the addiction became an issue. After some more counseling and SA, that was yet another struggle we worked through and had about 3 more good years before the affair. Here we are now…..3 ½ years after his affair. I always tell him it seems like we can never be “good” for more than 3 years. He says he plans on proving that theory wrong, but I guess time will tell! I’ve only been home for a year and ½ .

I can’t honestly say that I feel a connection with my husband now. There are times I think I feel it, but then it scares me and I put that wall up again. I do love him…very much, but it’s hard to explain. The love I have isn’t the same as it once was. Maybe that’s a good thing, because it’s no longer blind.

This other guy surely made you feel good about yourself, which is something you probably very much needed. Was it a connection then? With him, or was it more of a "need" that you've been missing...

Yes, he made me feel really good about myself. He seemed to love all the stupid things about me that my husband didn't like. Have you ever heard the song "According to You"? That's what it reminds me of.There were plenty of other guys who were interested, but he took the time to really get to know me. I think it was a little of both….a need and a connection.

I definitely had that “need”. My husband and I had been together for so long and then it ended, just like that. I remember the first night alone….my husband went and stayed with her at her mothers house and turned his cell phone off after telling my children they could call him if they needed to talk to him. My daughter and I were up all night. She would fall asleep for 15-20 minutes at a time and then wake up and start to cry again. The other guy called to see how we were and he ended up talking to me off and on all night. Every time she would wake up, he’d tell me to call him back when she fell asleep again. I’d call him back and he’d ask about her and listen to me cry. The next morning, he brought us breakfast and from that day on, he kept an eye on us and looked out for us. My husband ended his affair the day after he stayed with her, but we stayed separated for 6 months. When my husband wasn’t there for me, the other guy was. So it definitely started as a need.

But we were friends who barely saw each other (only outside our houses once in awhile) for a yr and a half before it became more. As we talked on the phone and got to know each other more, we realized how much we had in common. Then, when we started to meet each other out, that’s when we felt the “connection”. Looking back, I realize I felt for him what I felt for my husband in the beginning. The butterflies, excitement….and so on. It was nice. But I do think it’s much easier to feel those things when there’s no real life issues occupying your time. I was only with the other guy when my children were with their father. So, we didn’t need to talk about bills, or kids or anything other than me and him. So I don’t know how real those feelings were.

Your a brave woman and one whom obviously doesn't ever give up...

I really appreciate the compliments and the fact that you have even taken the time to talk about this with me. It’s been a struggle and I know marriage can be hard, but it shouldn’t be this hard. I was never really brave. In the beginning, I stayed with him, because I loved him and hoped for the best. Then I stayed out of fear of being on my own.

However, his affair changed me. I became stronger and after living on my own for awhile, I realized I didn’t NEED him. I went back to him, but I am with him for all the right reasons now. I am no longer a woman who will accept any kind of abuse or mistreatment. I hope for my husband’s sake, he’s finally grown up and is no longer going to act so selfishly. Because I won’t stand by and allow him to hurt me or my children ever again.