[CHANDLERS WISH]

an update: wow so many replies on my thread, thank you everyone! it really helps me cope with things
I am doing the best I can
He still watches porn about 2 to 3 times per week and any time no one is home
He is still very loving toward me and initiates sex with me
I think I was just getting so jealous that he was masturbating to "thoughts of under women" my own insecurities I know
I am trying very hard to loose the weight to see if this helps me feel better
I cant lie when I leave the house and no one is home, it bothers me, because I know he is at home pleasing himself he has a HIGH drive
I am just trying very hard to accept him for who he is because I love him very much and no matter how much I tell him to stop, he wont, it will only drive him further into it
I think I am doing "ok" so far
The week we do not have any type of sex at all is when my red flag will be raised and there will be a much bigger problem
thankfully we still have sex about 3 times a week
thank you so much for everyones discussions

I think Millania that's great but I then think that people love you for who you are not how much you weight.

I just wanted to also ask you a couple of things you may not know, it may not be relevant but curious...

You say that he still watches porn, 2, 3 times a week and you have sex about 3 times a week... Time wise? After, or when he's not watched it at all? Do you know?

He's still loving.. if that means outside the bedroom, not for the purpose of sex, than that's a good thing, very good thing.

Also, to the Forum, is it fair to say that most women feel the actors in porn and that's what they are, are cheap, tarty, in their actions. And, that off course not all, but alot of women won't, don't let go of their inhibitions. Certainly here, I read so many threads and posts that suggest that for the most part, the women here have loving, giving sexual relations, they let their inhibitions go but I wonder, with the threads on Porn, whether those ladies don't.

In-other-words.. It is my opinion that in a strong, bonded relationship there pretty much is very minimal boundries, and no inhibitions.. A lady outside the bedroom if you will and who ever she wants to be in the bedroom.

It seems that alot of women who have this problem with men watching Porn want to "become" that porn actress but only to satisfy the man.

What if, it is, that the man wants to "feel" like he's sexy, good in bed, makes his lady, react in ways off which he hasn't done before, where she squirts and loves bj's and loves being sexy for her and for him and wants to let go and consequently have that sex of intimacy in all fashions, including just the "making love" to feel complete?

Isn't it true that most women growing up never heard of squirting. They saw Porn Magazines in the toilet, or hidden but found and were bought up to think eweee... That their Mother's thought that bj's were a no no, let alone him going down on a woman, the woman's job was purely to have babies where sex was concerned.

Weren't the Cave men aggressive, hungry, dragging their women for sex?

Don't take your current situation, rather "their" past situations...

Something missing? Women's mentality over sex?

A Porn star does not have emotions, it's pure sex in those videos is it not? Not love, it's like mmmmm he's big, hot, mmmm off she goes.

But for a committed, loving relationship, there are emotions, love, lust, and all of those can be expressed, whereby the S/0 receives those emotions, kisses, lust, love and down right no inhibitions as well, through trust and bonding and well let's face it, the nature of the woman, letting herself go into the sexual world with her partner in totality.

Surely, that's not a re-inactment of Porn, rather, better than watching any Porn, as it's complete.

So, I wonder how many men watched porn became addicted, have trouble letting it go, if now in that form of relationship.

And, how many watch Porn because they don't have that connection of totality which makes them feel awesome, like a man, he created her, she's a lady outside of the bedroom with laughter, best mates, friendship and sub-consciously that's his dream.

And, then there's in-security. Isn't that the biggest factor as to why women hate it? Why women don't let themselves go totally.

What's the first thing they do? Sorry OP, they attempt to lose weight, try to look better, try to act better in bed, yes "ACT"....

Is it then a case of being complete? Not being in-secure. Take away the in-security and can you not do anything?

The only way I can see that not applying is if, the man you are with, uses you and/or doesn't really love you and you give for no reason but then are you really in that relationship that you craved yourself for? The loving, giving, understanding, friendship, soul mate?

Yes, it takes trust first. But, mostly the ladies here when starting these threads are "married" not boyfriend and girlfriend.

I think you have to view Porn stars as "fake, actors, putting it on,".

I think you have to view the person watching it as, a desire, part of what he misses, and if in love with you and you him, definately, would only see it as you, reacting to him, and how wicked does a man feel when a woman orgasms from him? When she moans from his touch? Wouldn't that make him feel like a MAN?

Sex is not a dirty word.

Love means you love a person for all they are.

It should be the inner-self a person falls for.

You are not being a Porn Star, you have emotions attached, your being yourself, for you and for you man and both taking each other to places you've never been.

Be yourself, but let yourself go....

And lastly, naturally, some men don't feel adequate. They don't feel that they are pleasing. They turn to Porn to see what other positions for instance they can try, where else can they find out when married?

If they have an addictive personality, they keep watching. If they are not getting enough in the bedroom, they may get turned on, they may masterbate.

But, if they have a woman who is confident, no inhibitions, a lady outside the bedroom, a partner that wants to learn, share, be, give, he will feel like a man, he will want more sex, she will feel like a woman, she will want more sex, there are no inhibitions and probably the addiction won't be valid anymore.

Just my opinion.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I couldn't agree with you more CW. And I have seen and lived those differences in my relationship. I was taking my boyfriends porn use as a personal attack against ME. I am not hot enough as those ladies, they turn him on more, he'd rather masturbate and LOOK at them, then to have to look at me.

I am lacking, I am not good enough, I don't please him, I am not pretty enough, my body isn't perfect enough.

What else could it be? I mean he knows I want sex with him and then chooses to watch porn/masturbate is too tired for me. So it must be my fault.

I only saw the attacks at MY sexuality, I only saw him making a choice and that choice being something other than me. I was angry and hurt and there wasn't much he could say to make me feel better about it.

I spent months getting mad at it, talking about it, being okay with it, being mad again, etc etc etc. It was rocky... and all because of the porn (so I thought)

But once I quit villianizing the porn and looking at the actions he was taking/not taking with me. I was able to talk to him in a way that he could understand, he was able to open up to me with things that actually made me feel better.

I was so blinded by my own insecurities that I never once stopped to consider his. I think so lowly of myself sometimes that it was unfathomable to me that he could possibly ever feel intimidated by me, feel inadequate... why would he? When I adore him more than anything.

But in truth, he was feeling a bit unnerved, performance anxiety, thinking he had to knock my socks off everytime we did it. He had more sexual energy than he was giving me, and spent it elsewhere because there was no pressure in the way he was spending it. He could look , get turned on, get satisfied, get back to doing life.

Where sometimes being with me would cause him to become anxious about performing for me, wanting to make sure I was satisfied, feeling like less of a man if I wasn't... etc etc.

I had to get it into his head how much I love the sex he gives me. Whether its 2 hours or 2 minutes. That pleasing him satisfies me sexually as well as emotionally and that I needed that intimacy with him. That I was never grading it. That he is more adquate than any man I've ever been with, any man I could ever dream of.

And once he understood that, our sex life changed for the better. He now inniciates 5 times as much as he did before. His porn usage has all but dropped off the face of the earth... I'm sure he looks when he is in the mood, but I no longer worry about it... because I feel wanted and special.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Intimacy.

Feeling like a Man.


Feeling like a Woman.


Every man feels as well.


True HD.

What I think alot of women miss, is that a man does need to feel like a man, imagine being one? Imagine having Performance Anxiety? We can use lube, if not wet enough but they can't get hard if they go soft.

But, if he feels like a MAN, and if he's tired he's tired, and if he cums quickly it's because you excited him, and if he goes the distance, it's because he was in a "safe" feeling and experiencing YOU, loving that INTIMACY, connection, ultimately any of those situations he's still the MAN... Lots of issues fade into the distance I think.

I think alot of women think that they are an every battery

Or that they have no emotions, feelings.

Good for you

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

Hmmmm? That was weird. Please delete or ignore that toy post. It popped up in the wrong post? Howd i do that????

[east98606]

HUH :-/

I gather that what you all are talking about is substituting porn for intimacy. I can understand that being an issue. I am sure that all men and women are not the same on this topic though. Whether its masterbating WITH or withOUT porn. Again, fantacy, reallity.

The way u are using it, east it seems to work fine in ur relationship. Most of the women complaining about their guys porn use also have a co-complaint of feeling sexually neglected.

If you have a high enough drive to do both porn while providing your lady with the intimacy she wants with you than its all good.

Not all guys have that kind of drive and use porn knowing they'll habe no interest in sex later when their S.O wants to be with them. That's when porn becomes an issue in a relationship. When it takes top-billing to reality.

But I've come to realize porn is the scapegoat when the real issue is how dedicated the partner is to using their sexual energy for intimacy with a person they care for vs selfishly, alone.

[Hopeless Dork]

I gather that what you all are talking about is substituting porn for intimacy. I can understand that being an issue. I am sure that all men and women are not the same on this topic though. Whether its masterbating WITH or withOUT porn. Again, fantacy, reallity.

Fantasy/Reality... the differences between is understood. There are some men that focus on fantasy much more than reality/intimacy and do not have the drive to do BOTH in the way you describe doing. Some men, like you, can masturbate to porn and then still feel like having sex with their SO later. Some, get that one orgasm in and they are too tired to perform for their lover. That seems to be the predominant complaint from women complaining about their guy's porn use. Not that he looks at it, ever, but that when he looks at it... how he treats them changes. Either they want you right after they watch it, or they don't want you because they watched it. Either makes a woman feel like the porn is driving their man's arousal more than they are.

[Millania]

To answer CW questions
it depends on the day, for example one day I knew he had been watching it, because NO one was home and he always takes advantage of this(I later confirmed my suspicion after checking his history) and on this day although he watched it, he initiated sex with me, but then 2 days later he was watching in again, and when I came home from work he seemed uninterested in me. I even asked for some and he said "not now" because we live with others so its kind of hard to sneak away. but of course in my mind I saw this as total rejection due to him having taken care of his own needs.
so thats when I get upset, when I know he has been watching and then he either wont initiate or if i initate he says "not now"
I gues I am unfort getting jealous at the fact that he is masturbating to thoughts of other women. I gues I am in the wrong for wishing he wouldnt masturbate when he can have me instead. I enjoyed reading what you said CW-and I know no matter how much weight I loose it wont replace his porn use, I want to loose weight to make myself feel better about myself then maybe I wont care if I know he looked at porn and got off that day? maybe I will feel less hurt when I find out, if I love the way I look, maybe not, only time will tell. he has an addictiver personallity CW so maybe thats why he keeps at it. and u are also right in that maybe he is trying to learn new moves, I know he has a very high drive and I am hoping maybe he uses porn more as a learning tool than to masturbate, wishful thinking I Know but thank you everyone for helping me cope with this.
HD ur posts are so hilarious I always enjoy HD's posts...that u never hear:
"I actually prefer that my guy becomes aroused by other females, it makes me feel good inside when I leave the house and he races to the computer to google the nude pictures of an actress we saw in a movie last night".

Nor have I ever heard:
"I feel SO loved and special when I come home excited to have sex with him and find a wad of tissue in the trash and porn dvd rolling credits on the tv. Of course he's too tired for me now, but isn't adorable the way he finds other women so arousing, it really warms my heart".

thanks again everyone for continuing to give me advice

[Hopeless Dork]

lol ty. I am goofball sometimes. I'm glad you recognize the thing about losing weight vs porn. You should work on being the healthiest version of yourself possible, we all should.. but not with the intention that it will make any difference to his porn viewing.

My boyfriend tells me that my body is perfect, he knows I work rediculously hard on it and has a great respect for my dedication to fitness but back when I would see his porn I'd see him look at girls with bodies no better than mine, way better than mine , and any variation there in. I've seen him look at younger women than me, older women than me. Girls with longer hair than me, girls with shorter hair than me. Girls with bigger breasts than me, girls with smaller.

There is no way in the world I could morph my body/face/hair/sexuality to meet the standards of his every fantasy whim. And would go nuts trying to do so. I will never understand what it is to be a man that is aroused or attempts to be aroused by women other than the one they say they love.

Nor will a man understand what it is to be a woman that feels hurt by that apparent need in some males.

I can only express and be real to my heart, what hurts, what doesn't and hope that it makes any difference to him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think there's a lesson there to be learn't by the way HD handles her man and his porn and herself

As for losing weight for yourself OP, good for you, you should always do things for yourself not because someone "expects" or "wants" but because YOU WANT..

[east98606]

Weird....

OK sex is just plain old fun! Passion and intimacy are important. Sometimes I want to make love with my wife. Sometimes I just want to (EDIT)her too. She feels the same way towards me I know. Sometimes we want to be intimate...have the passionate emotional gel session. Sometimes we just wanna get busy and climax just (EDIT)
Seperate from that is this world where I am alone and can express what I want and how I feel through masterbation. I don't look at porn dvd's. My toys are magazines. Just pictures of women that excite me. I can't really explain it. It is just something completely seperate from our sex life. Its not a substitute for it at all. We can knock it out a few times a week but that time that I masterbate is just fun....and important to my sexual health. It was when I was 15 and it still is at 46! *shrug*

Fantasy/Reality... the differences between is understood. There are some men that focus on fantasy much more than reality/intimacy and do not have the drive to do BOTH in the way you describe doing. Some men, like you, can masturbate to porn and then still feel like having sex with their SO later. Some, get that one orgasm in and they are too tired to perform for their lover. That seems to be the predominant complaint from women complaining about their guy's porn use. Not that he looks at it, ever, but that when he looks at it... how he treats them changes. Either they want you right after they watch it, or they don't want you because they watched it. Either makes a woman feel like the porn is driving their man's arousal more than they are.