[WantingToBeWanted]

If you don't want to listen to us, that being that you pose a question and so far, what 6 ladies have actually stated the same reason?

I want you to know I am listening, and I genuinely appreciate all of your advice. I just feel the need to set the record straight, or clarify details sometimes. I think I acknowledge from the beginning that I played a part in the current situation, but I feel like all of you have sort of skirted past the fact that my wife and I did behave different before we even met, so it doesn't seem likely that I caused all of this with my words I spoke 7 years ago.

I am listening though, and will continue to do so. Much of what you are saying makes sense, and I'm definitely going to take your words and ponder them, and proceed with more understanding of the overall picture here. Please don't interpret my replies as complete disagreement with you. Only on some of the finer points has that occurred.

[caterpillar79]

CW said what I have in mind.

You've got to build that "safe" environment for her. Women are fragile souls who need nurturing like you do. But since she's already closed up as you've said, make an extra effort to be more loving and gentle with her. No past issues to rehash about. Maybe deep in her heart, she also wants to let those memories die their death.

All you can do is to facilitate her towards a more open communication in a more loving way. Find out her love languages. Touch her lovingly, gently more often. Hug her from behind. Show appreciation to the little things she does for you. Say it, tell her "thank you for cooking this wonderful dinner, sweetie". When is the last time you told her "i love you" from the heart? When was the last time you took her out for dinner, held her hand while you both walk?

[WantingToBeWanted]

CW said what I have in mind.

You've got to build that "safe" environment for her. Women are fragile souls who need nurturing like you do. But since she's already closed up as you've said, make an extra effort to be more loving and gentle with her. No past issues to rehash about. Maybe deep in her heart, she also wants to let those memories die their death.

All you can do is to facilitate her towards a more open communication in a more loving way. Find out her love languages. Touch her lovingly, gently more often. Hug her from behind. Show appreciation to the little things she does for you. Say it, tell her "thank you for cooking this wonderful dinner, sweetie". When is the last time you told her "i love you" from the heart? When was the last time you took her out for dinner, held her hand while you both walk?

I actually do a lot of that right now, and have throughout our relationship. As I said, I never bring up the past with her, except when I apologized for my judgmental behavior recently.

When I touch her lovingly, it's often met with a rebuff. She basically seems to equate any touching with sex, as she knows I get turned on easily, so the moment I touch her or even attempt to kiss her lovingly, it's often turned away, because she thinks that if that is allowed it means I want sex that minute, and unplanned spontaneous sex is basically a no no in her mind. Only on rare occasions is that sort of thing welcomed. We have a loving relationship though. There is no true hostility here. We don't really even fight. We disagree, but we never say truly hurtful things to one another. I've never once thrown out a genuine insult at her, and she's never done that to me. By all accounts we have one of the more peaceful relationships you'll ever find.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I want you to know I am listening, and I genuinely appreciate all of your advice. I just feel the need to set the record straight, or clarify details sometimes. I think I acknowledge from the beginning that I played a part in the current situation, but I feel like all of you have sort of skirted past the fact that my wife and I did behave different before we even met, so it doesn't seem likely that I caused all of this with my words I spoke 7 years ago.

I am listening though, and will continue to do so. Much of what you are saying makes sense, and I'm definitely going to take your words and ponder them, and proceed with more understanding of the overall picture here. Please don't interpret my replies as complete disagreement with you. Only on some of the finer points has that occurred.

Okay, then you have all those words to ponder in that regard, so tell us more regarding what you are referring to pertaining to before you met.

Are you saying:

Me: I wanted to wait till marriage, but I did meet someone and well engaged in it.

Her: I was a free spirit and then met you...

See this is what I see of her and what I see of you, based on what you are writing.

In which case, we are harping on what we are, because why has she not been able to be a free spirit through her marriage? What changed? Can it really honestly therefore, go back to what we are all saying? See what I mean?

[StillLearnin]

I was going to suggest that with all her partners before you that maybe she has intimacy problems, and can't let herself be intimate with her partner. Thinking that she could be a sex addict, a nymphomaniac, who can't be intimate.

But, since it's only 10 sexual partners in four years, that pattern doesn't really fit the sex addict, afraid of intimacy, profile.

[PJhavinfunagain]

I agree time to stop talking about it and time to show her how you feel. Put all your love and passion into action. Little things that will take any kind of load or stress off her are great. Do the dishes without being asked. Plan a special night out. Write her a love note and leave it with a flower she likes somewhere she will find it. Make sure you are doing these things with NO expectation of sex! If you are expecting it she will sense it. I could always sense when DH wanted some while I was struggling with my libido.

To be honest in the beginning if DH had come out and told me at the beginning of our relationship not to count on him ever going down on me because he thought it was gross I would totally have backed off and shut down. I was never into giving my guy a BJ. Now that I am in a loving, passionate safe relationship I am exploring this more. We are both reaping the rewards. I would NEVER tell a guy straight off "Just so you know, I refuse to give you a BJ, it's gross". It never really came up and just did not happen... no big deal. If a guy I was with wanted it bad enough he would ask and maybe if I felt safe enough I would say OK I will try but let's take a shower first.

I am really upset that since all of a sudden you are wanting to change the dynamic of your relationship you are upset because she is not elated and immediately jumping you. Women do not work that way. We do not shift gears that fast.

[PJhavinfunagain]

but I feel like all of you have sort of skirted past the fact that my wife and I did behave different before we even met, so it doesn't seem likely that I caused all of this with my words I spoke 7 years ago.

See this is the issue right here... You love this woman, you should not care about what happened before you came into her life. Now if she was an axe murder or something that would be different.

I have had wayyyyy more sexual encounters than my DH. Did he care? Heck no!

[caterpillar79]

I actually do a lot of that right now, and have throughout our relationship. As I said, I never bring up the past with her, except when I apologized for my judgmental behavior recently.

When I touch her lovingly, it's often met with a rebuff. She basically seems to equate any touching with sex, as she knows I get turned on easily, so the moment I touch her or even attempt to kiss her lovingly, it's often turned away, because she thinks that if that is allowed it means I want sex that minute, and unplanned spontaneous sex is basically a no no in her mind. Only on rare occasions is that sort of thing welcomed. We have a loving relationship though. There is no true hostility here. We don't really even fight. We disagree, but we never say truly hurtful things to one another. I've never once thrown out a genuine insult at her, and she's never done that to me. By all accounts we have one of the more peaceful relationships you'll ever find.

I emotionally closed myself off in my previous marriage. I didn't do it intentionally at all. I recall why it happened now that I have gone through therapy/counseling.

Here is to share my experience.

We married each other as virgins. So, no issue there. But as time went by, it has been a pattern, which my subconscious stored and started deflecting even before I realized: every time he gets lovy-dovy, all the times he touched me gently and lovingly, he wanted it to end up in sex. Or even the other way around: every time I am affectionate, and he gets turned on, he wanted it to end up in sex. I would love to do it, but not at all times. I felt the need, the pressure to do so as a dutiful wife even if my emotions say 'no'. Eventually, I started no repel any loving touch from him for I was conditioned that sex would soon follow. Until it lead me into numbness altogether, and him raping me.

Though is is not entirely your case, you still have time to reverse it. Be loving and touching her the same way, or even more, but make sure it's just that. Wait for her to really show you she wants you terribly - you'd be able to tell. Build her up into wanting you by touching her, then pull away...touch her, kiss her passionately, then pull away. Make her long for you. do that repeatedly and condition her that she will be safe. Now you have to promise that it won't lead to sex until she herself will say so/or indicate so.

This will be your challenge. If you do it right, you'll get her back. That is what my new husband did to me, hence I feel very safe and am able to open up again, and love with my all.

[StillLearnin]

I agree time to stop talking about it and time to show her how you feel. Put all your love and passion into action. Little things that will take any kind of load or stress off her are great. Do the dishes without being asked. Plan a special night out. Write her a love note and leave it with a flower she likes somewhere she will find it. Make sure you are doing these things with NO expectation of sex! If you are expecting it she will sense it. I could always sense when DH wanted some while I was struggling with my libido.

I have to chime in here, based on my experience. I did exactly as you and others always suggest, for years and years. I did those things because I wanted to, for her and the family, and didn't hold them over her head to have sex. When she told me no (which was all the time) I just kept my mouth shut and grew more and more frustrated with my marriage.

I think in theory this should work, but reality (at least my reality) was that I was allowing her to control me and oppress my sexual needs. She knew I did all that stuff and didn't expect anything in return, so she never gave me anything in return. And she knew at times I would show sexual frustration, but she'd get mad at me and tell me to grow up. It was h*ll.

I think open, honest, communication, as well as all that other stuff, of course, is necessary. And the sooner the better so it doesn't build up resentment over years.

Sometimes when I think about it I feel like a real chump to allow the oppression for so long. I feel like she trained me to be exactly what she needed, and didn't care at all what my needs were. But the past is the past and I can't dwell on that. Things are a lot better now.

[WildChild]

Still, did you make your wife feel guilty for her previous experience, inform her that going down on her was out of the question? Your experience and this have a different basis.