[WantingToBeWanted]

Thanks Neophyte, and everyone who has contributed to the discussion in this thread. I really appreciate your interest and help in this matter. I am also excited to further my efforts in bringing my wife back to her full sexual self.

I wrote up this little thing about what I've been feeling in recent months for her, in regards to my emerging from my anxiety state of 2009, and seeing life as the delicate, fragile thing it is. That includes my love for her, and our marriage. Here is what I wrote.

"It feels like one day you wake up only to realize you've been married to this beautiful, amazing woman, and you didn't fully realize it all that time. In the concentrated blast of a laser beam, you are suddenly aware of what you have, and just how very precious it is. You find yourself wanting to worship her, covet every inch of her, and experience everything that is her. In the words of the loyal dog named Dug, from the movie Up, "My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you."


I haven't shown it to her yet, but I plan on it. Just this morning she turned me down for sex after waking up, as she is on her period, and we've never once engaged in period sex. Again, sort of a mutual decision there, but I have to teach her that nothing about her is dirty, and I would have some period sex, on the lighter days if you know what I mean.

She turned me down harshly, as usual, and just acted annoyed I was touching her and said "no". I then gently told her how much nice it would feel to me if she were to respond in a different way, such as getting close to me and saying "I love you, and want to make love to you soon, but just not right this minute", followed by a kiss or two. I told her that kind of response would leave me with a great feeling of desire and love from her, but just without the sex I desired. She agreed to try this going forward. I was very happy to hear that.

[Little]

That was a GREAT reaction for you to have And it sounds like she is willing to change her habits as much as you are. You are a lucky man. It sounds like you'll have a second chance at having a passionate marriage.

[caterpillar79]

... Here is what I wrote.

"It feels like one day you wake up only to realize you've been married to this beautiful, amazing woman, and you didn't fully realize it all that time. In the concentrated blast of a laser beam, you are suddenly aware of what you have, and just how very precious it is. You find yourself wanting to worship her, covet every inch of her, and experience everything that is her. In the words of the loyal dog named Dug, from the movie Up, "My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you."

That's lovely and sweet! Write it in a card like this:

"There was once a man. One day, he woke up and realized he's been married to this beautiful, amazing woman, but didn't fully realize it all that time. In the concentrated blast of a laser beam, he suddenly became aware of what he has, and just how very precious it is. He found himself wanting to worship her, covet every inch of her, and experience everything that is her.

That man is me. In the words of the loyal dog named Dug, from the movie Up, "My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you."

Sorry, I could not help myself but edit and add some of my cheesy writing into yours. It's just a suggestion. You can come up with a better one I believe that deeply.

So, to sum it up, write this on a card and have some flowers to go with it. What are her favorite flowers, do you know? Give these to her in a candle lit dinner. Then kiss her gently and passionately. (NO sex that night).

..... I then gently told her how much nice it would feel to me if she were to respond in a different way, such as getting close to me and saying "I love you, and want to make love to you soon, but just not right this minute", followed by a kiss or two. I told her that kind of response would leave me with a great feeling of desire and love from her, but just without the sex I desired. She agreed to try this going forward. I was very happy to hear that.

We're really making leaps here. Like Little said, you are a lucky man, and she is blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is willing and capable to go the extra mile.

Here is what I think. Remember PAVLOV and the dog - classical conditioning. This is where I am going. Touch her, caress her, make her feel your love and passion. Cuddle her, hug her from behind, a peck on her neck anytime (preferably when she least expects it), and every time she tends to push you away, tell her and reassure her, you are not going to have sex with her until she wants to. You are just expressing to her how much you love her - that's called intimacy. Do this until it just comes natural to both of you. As a start, don't even make your touches that long, just a simple and gentle touch on the shoulders, on the cheek, a brush off of her hair which strayed on her face...this could do magic.

Good luck. I wish you success.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That is definately great to hear.

Never stop feeling that way, she may have her ups and downs through the process, keep focused and I'm really pleased that you feel this for her and that she's reacting to that as well...

[danceintx]

These women all have had great advice and I agree whole-heartidly. I think it's great you are now trying to change a situation and realized where you may have gone wrong.

It's never too late.


I want to mention a book I read while I was married (my ex was not near as receptive to change as you) that I thought was good and might be good for you and your wife to read. It's short, but a lot of good info. It's called Real Moments For Lovers by Barbara De Angelis and it's about creating intimacy in your relationship in every day moments and in sex. All the luck to you both.

[WildChild]

Dance, you should add that to the Books About Sex, thread, even if it isn't exactly sex, it's about keeping the pot boiling.

[WantingToBeWanted]

That's lovely and sweet! Write it in a card like this:

"There was once a man. One day, he woke up and realized he's been married to this beautiful, amazing woman, but didn't fully realize it all that time. In the concentrated blast of a laser beam, he suddenly became aware of what he has, and just how very precious it is. He found himself wanting to worship her, covet every inch of her, and experience everything that is her.

That man is me. In the words of the loyal dog named Dug, from the movie Up, "My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you."

Sorry, I could not help myself but edit and add some of my cheesy writing into yours. It's just a suggestion. You can come up with a better one I believe that deeply.

So, to sum it up, write this on a card and have some flowers to go with it. What are her favorite flowers, do you know? Give these to her in a candle lit dinner. Then kiss her gently and passionately. (NO sex that night).



We're really making leaps here. Like Little said, you are a lucky man, and she is blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is willing and capable to go the extra mile.

Here is what I think. Remember PAVLOV and the dog - classical conditioning. This is where I am going. Touch her, caress her, make her feel your love and passion. Cuddle her, hug her from behind, a peck on her neck anytime (preferably when she least expects it), and every time she tends to push you away, tell her and reassure her, you are not going to have sex with her until she wants to. You are just expressing to her how much you love her - that's called intimacy. Do this until it just comes natural to both of you. As a start, don't even make your touches that long, just a simple and gentle touch on the shoulders, on the cheek, a brush off of her hair which strayed on her face...this could do magic.

Good luck. I wish you success.

That is a very sweet idea Caterpillar. I appreciate your input.

Unfortunately since my last update things haven't exactly gone real well. I guess it just comes down to my continued concern that my wife has emotional limits in her personality, and the more I think hard about it, the more I feel like it's a personality trait, rather than some sort of learned behavior. Even thinking about her mother, I see very similar traits in regards to emotional feelings and sharing. Her mom recently decided to not come up to visit us for Christmas, even though her father and sister did. Her parents are still married, but her mom just said the travel was stressful. This was rather shocking, as in our family you don't just skip huge holidays like that, but her mother chose to do so with little emotional thought behind it. She just said she wasn't feeling it, and it's not like she's elderly. The woman is 55 years old, and in good health.

Realizing things like my wife never having been into passionate kissing. Realizing she's never offered up a single emotional statement of love, besides a simple "I love you". These things are tearing me apart as I come to the realization that I just ignored them for so long, not realizing that this would catch up to me, because I enjoy a deeper emotional relationship. I want to share deep thoughts, and tell her how special she is to me. I have done so in the past, but realize I'll never get that in return. She literally seems incapable of such things. I'm beginning to believe it's not in her DNA to be like that with someone, even her husband.

Just last night I was real sweet and nice, and when we arrived home from work, I put on this love song she likes, and proceeded to invite her over to the couch. I said I wanted to show her something. She sat down, the song played, and I began kissing her slowly. Of course she immediately giggled, and asked me what was going on, etc, etc. I think of this as the defense mechanisms kicking in. I proceeded to tell her this was not about sex, and I just wanted to show her how I want to be kissed, and how we can enjoy such a thing entirely on it's own. She never let me kiss her for more than 5 continuous seconds. She just turns her head after that. She then began saying that my unshaved face of a few days was bothering her. I pressed her on it, and said "are you sure that's the problem"? and she finally admitted "I'm just not into this type of thing as much as you are".

She'll always come up with smoke screen answers to why these intimate moments are so difficult, but that just annoys me further, because I know I'm being lied to. I was just happy she was willing to admit it this time.

So, we still ended that moment on a positive note, with laughter and fun. I proceeded to be a diligent helper for the next hour, and cleaned up the kitchen, put away dishes, put away some laundry, etc. Later on I brought up the subject of a baby again, as we had recently discussed the topic for the first time. She pretty much admitted she wanted nothing to do with pregnancy, or having a baby. She didn't want to have unprotected sex with me, etc, etc. It all scared her in some way.

So, to sum up this one single night. Rejection, rejection, rejection. She doesn't want my kissing and she doesn't want my baby. That's a horrible feeling to go to bed with.

I'm 33, and she's 30. We've been married 6+ years. This just has me so worried about the future of our relationship. I need more than this so badly right now that it makes me all the more impatient with her, and frankly I'm doubting this can truly be corrected.

[StillLearnin]

WTBW: I'm sorry to hear about that. You made a great attempt at expressing your needs to her.

It's time to get it all out on the table. What her needs are, what yours are. It sounds like there's a big mismatch in what the two of you want. Then get some marriage counseling if you both agree that the marriage is worth saving. You can start by reading some self help books. My wife and I are working on a book called "Hot Monogamy." In that book it basically told me what I thought all along about my wife, and caused her to admit to some things. There is a questionnaire that basically rates your relationship personality. It rates intimacy, desire, romance, etc. I was high on most, while my wife was low. It caused us to see in a graph the differences we have and realize the areas that we need to work on together to become more intimate, to help her have more desire.

You have taken the first step. Now it's time to start communicating your needs to help her understand what you need to be happy in the relationship.

[Hopeless Dork]

******Edit, this post was made before reading the latest update********


Such good news, wanted. Your patience, how you explained what would make you feel good without being accusing and harsh...just... I would like this... not demanding, simply stating what would make you happy is the kind of communication most women appreciate.

I expect that if you keep at it going forward, not judging her bad reactions, but simply telling her how it makes you feel... and nurturing her needs and wants in and out of the bedroom as well will only get you closer to the intimacy you now crave with her.

Speaking from my own personal experience, the more sexy, the more beautiful, the more desired my guy makes me feel, the more sexual I feel.

*Anticipate her needs/wants: make her something to eat, grab her a blanket
*Make her feel like a sexy hot mama: let her catch you staring at her admiringly
*Notice the efforts she makes: new hairstyle, new perfume, new dress, and compliment... heck even if its an old dress, the same old perfume, and a scrunchy in the hair...take the time to notice her sometimes and compliment.
*Send her a message/call in the middle of the day just tell her you've been thinking about her
*Sometimes when you hold her and snuggle her, even if you get aroused...just hold her and snuggle her, it feels good to know that you enjoy being close even when sex isn't the goal.

The little things, every now and then ... go and warm her car up for her before she leaves for work, or put gas in it as a surprise so that she doesn't have to stop for it. Take her on a walk and hold hands, ask about her day and listen.

You don't have to put in work constantly, making someone feel special can be effortless and just require thinking of them.... but keep communicating as you are, taking little steps to make her feel special and I see nothing but good things in your future.

[Hopeless Dork]

*********After reading last update*******

Don't feel defeated because of the latest occurance of her being distant. It may have come off too strong if thats not the way you usually behave. You might want to progress a little slower at first.

I think bringing a baby into a picture where you guys are barely intimate now will only make you intimate even less. There will be a built in excuse for not having to be close to you.... indefinitely.