[Little_Man_in_the_Boat]

Brainwashing or behaviour modification is maybe difficult to overcome.

I read Masters & Johnsons books on Human Sexuality and one of the things I noticed was most of the really serious sexual problems stemmed from strict religious upbringing.

"Don't touch down there, other wise you might experience something incredibly pleasureable that could lead to orgasm ..."

Or sexual trauma for rape or sexual molestation.

I think your probably feeling a little envious underneath which is understandable, its a pity you can't even up the score.

How are you going to reprogram yourself and your misses ?

[StillLearnin]

That's great! Glad you are working through this.

[sourpuss]

That's really sweet.

[WantingToBeWanted]

Wow, that is wonderful news! Have a great birthday date, spoil her rotten and make her feel great, it's her day...and you'll probably reap the rewards.

Again, congratulations, sounds like things are on the right track because you two were so open and mature.

Thanks! I've already got a half dozen red roses on the way to be delivered to her desk at work today.

I put on the card "You're just as wonderful and beautiful at 30 as you were at 29".

[sourpuss]

Wow, that is wonderful news! Have a great birthday date, spoil her rotten and make her feel great, it's her day...and you'll probably reap the rewards.

Again, congratulations, sounds like things are on the right track because you two were so open and mature.

[WantingToBeWanted]

I just wanted to update everyone on our progress. I think we've definitely had a breakthrough in the past week. Last Thursday night we sat down for a real talk, and it lasted 3 or so hours. This was EASILY the most open conversation we've ever had as a couple, and we've been together for almost 8 years. Kind of amazing to think about. I'm still in awe of how it went down. It was almost like walking on the moon for the first time to me. lol Like doing something for the first time, and having a hard time believing it was happening.


We talked about the early beginning of the relationship, and how I judged her so wrongly. She shared her feelings on that. I talked about how I felt that set us up on a weird sexual path, where feelings and true emotions were carefully guarded, and never discussed. We discussed our current sex life, and how it could be better. With the help of a wonderful marriage blog I found, projecthappilyeverafter dot com, we discussed our sex life and what we both wished it to be. We agreed on some new rules, and ideas for being with one another. Nothing was left off the table. It was all out for us to see, discuss, and explore. I'm still kind of shocked how it went.


So, since that talk Thursday night, we've had sex 4 times. No, the frequency is not going to be the ultimate judge of how good our sex life is, but it definitely feels like it's on a much better path already. It already feels like my wife is a bit more open emotionally and physically, and I kind of sense she enjoys her new found freedom with me. She no longer has to worry that I'm judging her in this regard, in any way. I'm encouraging her to tell me anything, share any thought, and just tell me what she wants from me. It's pretty exciting.


Today is her 30th birthday too, so we're going out for a nice dinner. Thanks again for all of your advice, and suggestions. This process is not over by any means, but I'm so happy it seems we're on the road to simply having a better sexual relationship, whatever that ends up being for us. But 4 times in 5 days is certainly and awesome start in my book! lol

[Joy]

It took me awhile but I read thru all the posts. You've received lots of great feed back from everyone. I sympathize with you, I see were some of your mistakes have been in the past and i congratulate you on trying to make the present and the future even better.

In the beginning you were young and had a picture in your head how sex looked for you... you placed that same restraint on your wife. Your wife had different experiences. Now 7 years later you've matured and wanna come into your sexuality. Congrats on that too.

I have a few questions - how deep do you guy talk about your fears and everyday problems that we all have? See cause you seem a lil closed off to me that you always had a tough exterior and emotionally closed off in the beginning of your marriage and rejected anything you were uncomfortable with that didn't fit the images in your head on how life should be. I realize you had a break down in life and that opened you up to all these emotions - which again sorry you suffered thru that but - it woke you up to life and to realize it was full of color and flavor.

If you over the past 7 years have been stand offish and rejected your wife over and over again to anything that was uncomfortable to you - socially, sexually, emotionally, whatever the case may be she has shut down and doesn't know how to open up, if she over the past 7 years has been surpessing herself and her needs, desire's.

You said she was afraid to be pregnant and not sure if she wanted a baby. Have you known this for 7 years? Did you ask her what makes her so fearful of having a baby. You got hurt and think she doens't want to have your baby.... your making it about your feelings - yes your feelings count too but have you asked her what she fears - is it job security, money, her body, her time. The biggest turn on for any woman is to know she can trust her man with her heart and her emotions and later on they aren't thrown in her face even if they are absoulutly off the wall and ungrounded in any logic whatsoever. You've judged her in the past - does she open up to you.... does she truly feel she can?

I know you love her you stated so and i know you are sorry and want to open this relationship up and I hope you do.

AS for the you have a great relationship and rarly fight and its peaceful ...... that could be a part of the problem too - love and anger are forms of passion. Maybe there is so much left unsaid and bottled up from fear. she - could be angry but fear this xpression and if you don't have self expression then all passion can burn out and turn into a routine, habitual everyday going thru the motions without passion.

I speak from experience of being in a controlling relationship - in the beggining it was my confidence level and his lack of confidence that started us down our path of destruction over 5 years. putting limits on everything in our relationship - sex, social, emotional..... Out of fear of the images of how things should be to him - He suffered from depression prior to me ever meeting him - I tried to help with that to see how wonderful life could be. Again putting limits on how things should be so he wasn't taken out of a comfort zone. I couldn't be myself - I'm a very open person but learned very quickly to guard my feelings and emotions due to ridicule. In the end burning out the passion for me because he didnt' and never did accept me as me.

Good luck with this and keep on working at. You have the right attitude in wanting change just have some patience and an open heart.

[WantingToBeWanted]

I commend you for initiating and staying as positive as you can on your situation. At least, she showed some cooperation when she sat on the couch with you. When I was feeling so distant with my ex, I didn't even allow him to get near me. I have a large radius of personal space when it comes to him. And prior to this, his every touch is like a knife scathing my very skin, and every fiber of my being - I detested it.

I could not explain why. I told him to build on our friendship first and take it slow with me, but he refused. Everytime he wants to be intimate, he wants it to end in bed. I was not wired like that. He didn't understand. In short, the marriage didn't work.

So far right now, your problems could still be sorted. So long as you are patient and loving and she is open enough to cooperate and allow you to facilitate her.

Adding a child to Any other problems NEVER makes it better.

Just want to remind you both that our relationship in most ways is quite good, as I said in my initial posts. We almost never fight, and when we do it's very respectful. We are caring and loving towards one another.

Our only real "problem" is that I've recently realized I want a more intimate and physical relationship. I'm also coming to the realization that she's always sort of been lacking in those two areas, and thus it's upsetting to think that maybe that's just the way she is. But as we've discussed I'm working on seeing if that is truly the case.

By most measurements though we have a good and loving relationship. Which is where we're not seeing eye to eye. She sees things as they are as just fine, because we quite frankly don't argue or have other problems. But I'm trying to get it through to her and I really need a deeper connection, and the way it is may just not be good enough for the long haul.

[WildChild]

Adding a child to Any other problems NEVER makes it better.

[StillLearnin]

WTBW: doing all those things, as suggested, to make her feel loved and special are great. But doing those things alone and "hoping for the best" will leave you in a state of perpetual hope and no change on her part in the relationship. She'll just accept the loving acts you do for her and not provide anything that you need in return.

This needs to be addressed now in a loving manner. Otherwise, you will be living on hope the rest of your life and getting nowhere. You need to take a direct approach to this rather than being passive. Or you will build up years, if not decades, of resentment towards her. Nobody should have to live that way.