[ItsASecret]

She sat down, the song played, and I began kissing her slowly. Of course she immediately giggled, and asked me what was going on, etc, etc. I think of this as the defense mechanisms kicking in. I proceeded to tell her this was not about sex, and I just wanted to show her how I want to be kissed, and how we can enjoy such a thing entirely on it's own. She never let me kiss her for more than 5 continuous seconds. She just turns her head after that. She then began saying that my unshaved face of a few days was bothering her. I pressed her on it, and said "are you sure that's the problem"? and she finally admitted "I'm just not into this type of thing as much as you are".

I can somewhat relate to the same actions that your wife does if my boyfriend tries to get all mushy with me. In my case it is just like she says "I'm just not into this type of thing as much as you are". The whole lovey dovey, soul connection, sharing of emotional connections ect ect ect just isn't my thing and many people make the association of passionate kissing with these sorts of thoughts. I do absolutely ador and love my boyfriend with all my heart but there are times when I just do not like affection and I do find things like "I have been thinking about you all day sweets" frankly quite corny and does nothing to boost any 'special factor'. And I too will use the unshaven face excuse to stop the kissing. I also have never really been into passionate long kissing, sure I will do it for him but I rarely let it go on for more than a 15 seconds.

However, I am different from your wife in the sense that I do not reject him each time he tries to get up close and just enjoy the moment. I am not sure how you can get her to appreciate those gestures if she is just not all that into it. If a person has an ingrained thought or opinion it is going to be one extremely tough battle to change their mind. Not only that but she will think something is up if you suddenly start swamping her with uplifting comments, stares, and love gestures. It is up to her to respond without judgement and no matter how much you express your complete love and desire for her she may never actually go for it.

I guess all you can do is ask her what she thinks about spending that kind of time with her, or at the very least giving you more attention. She will likely be uncooperative and dismissive of things if you sit her down and literally "lay down the law" of your needs. Counseling may not do so much if she is already very against talking about things. Personally I think you should just keep doing what you are doing, and suggest things like "how we can enjoy such a thing entirely on it's own" in a calm manner like watching a movie, without putting any sort of very serious tone into the situation.

[LanaBear]

*********After reading last update*******

Don't feel defeated because of the latest occurance of her being distant. It may have come off too strong if thats not the way you usually behave. You might want to progress a little slower at first.

I think bringing a baby into a picture where you guys are barely intimate now will only make you intimate even less. There will be a built in excuse for not having to be close to you.... indefinitely.

On top of the baby issue, there is something else. IMO, there really is no negotiating having kids. You either need to be a couple who wants them or a couple who doesn't. You can't negotiate that because if you've always wanted to be a father, but decide not to fulfill that dream because she doesn't want kids, you may grow resentful towards her in the future for not allowing you to be a dad. On the same level, a woman who doesn't want kids, but has one to fulfill your dream, will grow resentful towards you because she did this to her, her body, etc. to please you. It's a no win situation.

I've seen a handful of relationships end over this. Most recently my BIL, he ended a 5 year relationship because it came up (5 years into the relationship) that she had no desire to have kids, where he very much wanted to. It's a tough call.

Just something else to think about.

[WantingToBeWanted]

On top of the baby issue, there is something else. IMO, there really is no negotiating having kids. You either need to be a couple who wants them or a couple who doesn't. You can't negotiate that because if you've always wanted to be a father, but decide not to fulfill that dream because she doesn't want kids, you may grow resentful towards her in the future for not allowing you to be a dad. On the same level, a woman who doesn't want kids, but has one to fulfill your dream, will grow resentful towards you because she did this to her, her body, etc. to please you. It's a no win situation.

That's exactly what is going through my mind, and that is exactly why it scares me. It's a no win situation.

Although I must admit, my wife and I have only just begun the baby talk. She claims right now that she is simply terrified of being pregnant, and giving birth. If that is truly the case I think there is a chance of her being convinced that it's not all that bad, and the rewards far outweigh the difficulties.

I've known pregnant woman who were literally not very happy they were pregnant. It made them upset to be uncomfortable, and bigger than normal, etc, etc. But after they had their child they were the happiest person alive. So I know there are twists on this story, and how it can end up. I'm just hoping my wife and I find a similar conclusion to the story here.

[WantingToBeWanted]

I think bringing a baby into a picture where you guys are barely intimate now will only make you intimate even less. There will be a built in excuse for not having to be close to you.... indefinitely.

I've thought the same thing as well. I probably should have left the whole baby topic on the shelf for now, and slowly worked it into the discussion. We should really work on our relationship now, and the baby after that.

But at the same time, I think that the baby making could be a catalyst to the relationship improving. What's more intimate than sex to create a baby with one another? So in that sense I kind of think it could help, but I'd sort of like it to take us 6 months of trying to get pregnant.

[caterpillar79]

I commend you for initiating and staying as positive as you can on your situation. At least, she showed some cooperation when she sat on the couch with you. When I was feeling so distant with my ex, I didn't even allow him to get near me. I have a large radius of personal space when it comes to him. And prior to this, his every touch is like a knife scathing my very skin, and every fiber of my being - I detested it.

I could not explain why. I told him to build on our friendship first and take it slow with me, but he refused. Everytime he wants to be intimate, he wants it to end in bed. I was not wired like that. He didn't understand. In short, the marriage didn't work.

So far right now, your problems could still be sorted. So long as you are patient and loving and she is open enough to cooperate and allow you to facilitate her.

I saw an improvement. But you have to build on it little by little. You will experience rejection after rejection. Results may be + or -, either she'll be reminded herself why she married you anyway, and fall all over again, or will reach her bottom and admit, she's no longer the same and say it quits.

Put the baby issue aside, it will sort itself out. I agree with all above posts to have an open talk about your status so you know what's on the table. Communication is the key to every relationship.

Don't be weary too soon. Keep going, and stay loving if you can. I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through.

[StillLearnin]

WTBW: doing all those things, as suggested, to make her feel loved and special are great. But doing those things alone and "hoping for the best" will leave you in a state of perpetual hope and no change on her part in the relationship. She'll just accept the loving acts you do for her and not provide anything that you need in return.

This needs to be addressed now in a loving manner. Otherwise, you will be living on hope the rest of your life and getting nowhere. You need to take a direct approach to this rather than being passive. Or you will build up years, if not decades, of resentment towards her. Nobody should have to live that way.

[WildChild]

Adding a child to Any other problems NEVER makes it better.

[WantingToBeWanted]

I commend you for initiating and staying as positive as you can on your situation. At least, she showed some cooperation when she sat on the couch with you. When I was feeling so distant with my ex, I didn't even allow him to get near me. I have a large radius of personal space when it comes to him. And prior to this, his every touch is like a knife scathing my very skin, and every fiber of my being - I detested it.

I could not explain why. I told him to build on our friendship first and take it slow with me, but he refused. Everytime he wants to be intimate, he wants it to end in bed. I was not wired like that. He didn't understand. In short, the marriage didn't work.

So far right now, your problems could still be sorted. So long as you are patient and loving and she is open enough to cooperate and allow you to facilitate her.

Adding a child to Any other problems NEVER makes it better.

Just want to remind you both that our relationship in most ways is quite good, as I said in my initial posts. We almost never fight, and when we do it's very respectful. We are caring and loving towards one another.

Our only real "problem" is that I've recently realized I want a more intimate and physical relationship. I'm also coming to the realization that she's always sort of been lacking in those two areas, and thus it's upsetting to think that maybe that's just the way she is. But as we've discussed I'm working on seeing if that is truly the case.

By most measurements though we have a good and loving relationship. Which is where we're not seeing eye to eye. She sees things as they are as just fine, because we quite frankly don't argue or have other problems. But I'm trying to get it through to her and I really need a deeper connection, and the way it is may just not be good enough for the long haul.

[Joy]

It took me awhile but I read thru all the posts. You've received lots of great feed back from everyone. I sympathize with you, I see were some of your mistakes have been in the past and i congratulate you on trying to make the present and the future even better.

In the beginning you were young and had a picture in your head how sex looked for you... you placed that same restraint on your wife. Your wife had different experiences. Now 7 years later you've matured and wanna come into your sexuality. Congrats on that too.

I have a few questions - how deep do you guy talk about your fears and everyday problems that we all have? See cause you seem a lil closed off to me that you always had a tough exterior and emotionally closed off in the beginning of your marriage and rejected anything you were uncomfortable with that didn't fit the images in your head on how life should be. I realize you had a break down in life and that opened you up to all these emotions - which again sorry you suffered thru that but - it woke you up to life and to realize it was full of color and flavor.

If you over the past 7 years have been stand offish and rejected your wife over and over again to anything that was uncomfortable to you - socially, sexually, emotionally, whatever the case may be she has shut down and doesn't know how to open up, if she over the past 7 years has been surpessing herself and her needs, desire's.

You said she was afraid to be pregnant and not sure if she wanted a baby. Have you known this for 7 years? Did you ask her what makes her so fearful of having a baby. You got hurt and think she doens't want to have your baby.... your making it about your feelings - yes your feelings count too but have you asked her what she fears - is it job security, money, her body, her time. The biggest turn on for any woman is to know she can trust her man with her heart and her emotions and later on they aren't thrown in her face even if they are absoulutly off the wall and ungrounded in any logic whatsoever. You've judged her in the past - does she open up to you.... does she truly feel she can?

I know you love her you stated so and i know you are sorry and want to open this relationship up and I hope you do.

AS for the you have a great relationship and rarly fight and its peaceful ...... that could be a part of the problem too - love and anger are forms of passion. Maybe there is so much left unsaid and bottled up from fear. she - could be angry but fear this xpression and if you don't have self expression then all passion can burn out and turn into a routine, habitual everyday going thru the motions without passion.

I speak from experience of being in a controlling relationship - in the beggining it was my confidence level and his lack of confidence that started us down our path of destruction over 5 years. putting limits on everything in our relationship - sex, social, emotional..... Out of fear of the images of how things should be to him - He suffered from depression prior to me ever meeting him - I tried to help with that to see how wonderful life could be. Again putting limits on how things should be so he wasn't taken out of a comfort zone. I couldn't be myself - I'm a very open person but learned very quickly to guard my feelings and emotions due to ridicule. In the end burning out the passion for me because he didnt' and never did accept me as me.

Good luck with this and keep on working at. You have the right attitude in wanting change just have some patience and an open heart.

[WantingToBeWanted]

I just wanted to update everyone on our progress. I think we've definitely had a breakthrough in the past week. Last Thursday night we sat down for a real talk, and it lasted 3 or so hours. This was EASILY the most open conversation we've ever had as a couple, and we've been together for almost 8 years. Kind of amazing to think about. I'm still in awe of how it went down. It was almost like walking on the moon for the first time to me. lol Like doing something for the first time, and having a hard time believing it was happening.


We talked about the early beginning of the relationship, and how I judged her so wrongly. She shared her feelings on that. I talked about how I felt that set us up on a weird sexual path, where feelings and true emotions were carefully guarded, and never discussed. We discussed our current sex life, and how it could be better. With the help of a wonderful marriage blog I found, projecthappilyeverafter dot com, we discussed our sex life and what we both wished it to be. We agreed on some new rules, and ideas for being with one another. Nothing was left off the table. It was all out for us to see, discuss, and explore. I'm still kind of shocked how it went.


So, since that talk Thursday night, we've had sex 4 times. No, the frequency is not going to be the ultimate judge of how good our sex life is, but it definitely feels like it's on a much better path already. It already feels like my wife is a bit more open emotionally and physically, and I kind of sense she enjoys her new found freedom with me. She no longer has to worry that I'm judging her in this regard, in any way. I'm encouraging her to tell me anything, share any thought, and just tell me what she wants from me. It's pretty exciting.


Today is her 30th birthday too, so we're going out for a nice dinner. Thanks again for all of your advice, and suggestions. This process is not over by any means, but I'm so happy it seems we're on the road to simply having a better sexual relationship, whatever that ends up being for us. But 4 times in 5 days is certainly and awesome start in my book! lol