[caterpillar79]

I commend you for initiating and staying as positive as you can on your situation. At least, she showed some cooperation when she sat on the couch with you. When I was feeling so distant with my ex, I didn't even allow him to get near me. I have a large radius of personal space when it comes to him. And prior to this, his every touch is like a knife scathing my very skin, and every fiber of my being - I detested it.

I could not explain why. I told him to build on our friendship first and take it slow with me, but he refused. Everytime he wants to be intimate, he wants it to end in bed. I was not wired like that. He didn't understand. In short, the marriage didn't work.

So far right now, your problems could still be sorted. So long as you are patient and loving and she is open enough to cooperate and allow you to facilitate her.

I saw an improvement. But you have to build on it little by little. You will experience rejection after rejection. Results may be + or -, either she'll be reminded herself why she married you anyway, and fall all over again, or will reach her bottom and admit, she's no longer the same and say it quits.

Put the baby issue aside, it will sort itself out. I agree with all above posts to have an open talk about your status so you know what's on the table. Communication is the key to every relationship.

Don't be weary too soon. Keep going, and stay loving if you can. I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through.

[WantingToBeWanted]

I think bringing a baby into a picture where you guys are barely intimate now will only make you intimate even less. There will be a built in excuse for not having to be close to you.... indefinitely.

I've thought the same thing as well. I probably should have left the whole baby topic on the shelf for now, and slowly worked it into the discussion. We should really work on our relationship now, and the baby after that.

But at the same time, I think that the baby making could be a catalyst to the relationship improving. What's more intimate than sex to create a baby with one another? So in that sense I kind of think it could help, but I'd sort of like it to take us 6 months of trying to get pregnant.

[WantingToBeWanted]

On top of the baby issue, there is something else. IMO, there really is no negotiating having kids. You either need to be a couple who wants them or a couple who doesn't. You can't negotiate that because if you've always wanted to be a father, but decide not to fulfill that dream because she doesn't want kids, you may grow resentful towards her in the future for not allowing you to be a dad. On the same level, a woman who doesn't want kids, but has one to fulfill your dream, will grow resentful towards you because she did this to her, her body, etc. to please you. It's a no win situation.

That's exactly what is going through my mind, and that is exactly why it scares me. It's a no win situation.

Although I must admit, my wife and I have only just begun the baby talk. She claims right now that she is simply terrified of being pregnant, and giving birth. If that is truly the case I think there is a chance of her being convinced that it's not all that bad, and the rewards far outweigh the difficulties.

I've known pregnant woman who were literally not very happy they were pregnant. It made them upset to be uncomfortable, and bigger than normal, etc, etc. But after they had their child they were the happiest person alive. So I know there are twists on this story, and how it can end up. I'm just hoping my wife and I find a similar conclusion to the story here.

[LanaBear]

*********After reading last update*******

Don't feel defeated because of the latest occurance of her being distant. It may have come off too strong if thats not the way you usually behave. You might want to progress a little slower at first.

I think bringing a baby into a picture where you guys are barely intimate now will only make you intimate even less. There will be a built in excuse for not having to be close to you.... indefinitely.

On top of the baby issue, there is something else. IMO, there really is no negotiating having kids. You either need to be a couple who wants them or a couple who doesn't. You can't negotiate that because if you've always wanted to be a father, but decide not to fulfill that dream because she doesn't want kids, you may grow resentful towards her in the future for not allowing you to be a dad. On the same level, a woman who doesn't want kids, but has one to fulfill your dream, will grow resentful towards you because she did this to her, her body, etc. to please you. It's a no win situation.

I've seen a handful of relationships end over this. Most recently my BIL, he ended a 5 year relationship because it came up (5 years into the relationship) that she had no desire to have kids, where he very much wanted to. It's a tough call.

Just something else to think about.

[ItsASecret]

She sat down, the song played, and I began kissing her slowly. Of course she immediately giggled, and asked me what was going on, etc, etc. I think of this as the defense mechanisms kicking in. I proceeded to tell her this was not about sex, and I just wanted to show her how I want to be kissed, and how we can enjoy such a thing entirely on it's own. She never let me kiss her for more than 5 continuous seconds. She just turns her head after that. She then began saying that my unshaved face of a few days was bothering her. I pressed her on it, and said "are you sure that's the problem"? and she finally admitted "I'm just not into this type of thing as much as you are".

I can somewhat relate to the same actions that your wife does if my boyfriend tries to get all mushy with me. In my case it is just like she says "I'm just not into this type of thing as much as you are". The whole lovey dovey, soul connection, sharing of emotional connections ect ect ect just isn't my thing and many people make the association of passionate kissing with these sorts of thoughts. I do absolutely ador and love my boyfriend with all my heart but there are times when I just do not like affection and I do find things like "I have been thinking about you all day sweets" frankly quite corny and does nothing to boost any 'special factor'. And I too will use the unshaven face excuse to stop the kissing. I also have never really been into passionate long kissing, sure I will do it for him but I rarely let it go on for more than a 15 seconds.

However, I am different from your wife in the sense that I do not reject him each time he tries to get up close and just enjoy the moment. I am not sure how you can get her to appreciate those gestures if she is just not all that into it. If a person has an ingrained thought or opinion it is going to be one extremely tough battle to change their mind. Not only that but she will think something is up if you suddenly start swamping her with uplifting comments, stares, and love gestures. It is up to her to respond without judgement and no matter how much you express your complete love and desire for her she may never actually go for it.

I guess all you can do is ask her what she thinks about spending that kind of time with her, or at the very least giving you more attention. She will likely be uncooperative and dismissive of things if you sit her down and literally "lay down the law" of your needs. Counseling may not do so much if she is already very against talking about things. Personally I think you should just keep doing what you are doing, and suggest things like "how we can enjoy such a thing entirely on it's own" in a calm manner like watching a movie, without putting any sort of very serious tone into the situation.

[Hopeless Dork]

*********After reading last update*******

Don't feel defeated because of the latest occurance of her being distant. It may have come off too strong if thats not the way you usually behave. You might want to progress a little slower at first.

I think bringing a baby into a picture where you guys are barely intimate now will only make you intimate even less. There will be a built in excuse for not having to be close to you.... indefinitely.

[Hopeless Dork]

******Edit, this post was made before reading the latest update********


Such good news, wanted. Your patience, how you explained what would make you feel good without being accusing and harsh...just... I would like this... not demanding, simply stating what would make you happy is the kind of communication most women appreciate.

I expect that if you keep at it going forward, not judging her bad reactions, but simply telling her how it makes you feel... and nurturing her needs and wants in and out of the bedroom as well will only get you closer to the intimacy you now crave with her.

Speaking from my own personal experience, the more sexy, the more beautiful, the more desired my guy makes me feel, the more sexual I feel.

*Anticipate her needs/wants: make her something to eat, grab her a blanket
*Make her feel like a sexy hot mama: let her catch you staring at her admiringly
*Notice the efforts she makes: new hairstyle, new perfume, new dress, and compliment... heck even if its an old dress, the same old perfume, and a scrunchy in the hair...take the time to notice her sometimes and compliment.
*Send her a message/call in the middle of the day just tell her you've been thinking about her
*Sometimes when you hold her and snuggle her, even if you get aroused...just hold her and snuggle her, it feels good to know that you enjoy being close even when sex isn't the goal.

The little things, every now and then ... go and warm her car up for her before she leaves for work, or put gas in it as a surprise so that she doesn't have to stop for it. Take her on a walk and hold hands, ask about her day and listen.

You don't have to put in work constantly, making someone feel special can be effortless and just require thinking of them.... but keep communicating as you are, taking little steps to make her feel special and I see nothing but good things in your future.

[StillLearnin]

WTBW: I'm sorry to hear about that. You made a great attempt at expressing your needs to her.

It's time to get it all out on the table. What her needs are, what yours are. It sounds like there's a big mismatch in what the two of you want. Then get some marriage counseling if you both agree that the marriage is worth saving. You can start by reading some self help books. My wife and I are working on a book called "Hot Monogamy." In that book it basically told me what I thought all along about my wife, and caused her to admit to some things. There is a questionnaire that basically rates your relationship personality. It rates intimacy, desire, romance, etc. I was high on most, while my wife was low. It caused us to see in a graph the differences we have and realize the areas that we need to work on together to become more intimate, to help her have more desire.

You have taken the first step. Now it's time to start communicating your needs to help her understand what you need to be happy in the relationship.

[WantingToBeWanted]

That's lovely and sweet! Write it in a card like this:

"There was once a man. One day, he woke up and realized he's been married to this beautiful, amazing woman, but didn't fully realize it all that time. In the concentrated blast of a laser beam, he suddenly became aware of what he has, and just how very precious it is. He found himself wanting to worship her, covet every inch of her, and experience everything that is her.

That man is me. In the words of the loyal dog named Dug, from the movie Up, "My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you."

Sorry, I could not help myself but edit and add some of my cheesy writing into yours. It's just a suggestion. You can come up with a better one I believe that deeply.

So, to sum it up, write this on a card and have some flowers to go with it. What are her favorite flowers, do you know? Give these to her in a candle lit dinner. Then kiss her gently and passionately. (NO sex that night).



We're really making leaps here. Like Little said, you are a lucky man, and she is blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is willing and capable to go the extra mile.

Here is what I think. Remember PAVLOV and the dog - classical conditioning. This is where I am going. Touch her, caress her, make her feel your love and passion. Cuddle her, hug her from behind, a peck on her neck anytime (preferably when she least expects it), and every time she tends to push you away, tell her and reassure her, you are not going to have sex with her until she wants to. You are just expressing to her how much you love her - that's called intimacy. Do this until it just comes natural to both of you. As a start, don't even make your touches that long, just a simple and gentle touch on the shoulders, on the cheek, a brush off of her hair which strayed on her face...this could do magic.

Good luck. I wish you success.

That is a very sweet idea Caterpillar. I appreciate your input.

Unfortunately since my last update things haven't exactly gone real well. I guess it just comes down to my continued concern that my wife has emotional limits in her personality, and the more I think hard about it, the more I feel like it's a personality trait, rather than some sort of learned behavior. Even thinking about her mother, I see very similar traits in regards to emotional feelings and sharing. Her mom recently decided to not come up to visit us for Christmas, even though her father and sister did. Her parents are still married, but her mom just said the travel was stressful. This was rather shocking, as in our family you don't just skip huge holidays like that, but her mother chose to do so with little emotional thought behind it. She just said she wasn't feeling it, and it's not like she's elderly. The woman is 55 years old, and in good health.

Realizing things like my wife never having been into passionate kissing. Realizing she's never offered up a single emotional statement of love, besides a simple "I love you". These things are tearing me apart as I come to the realization that I just ignored them for so long, not realizing that this would catch up to me, because I enjoy a deeper emotional relationship. I want to share deep thoughts, and tell her how special she is to me. I have done so in the past, but realize I'll never get that in return. She literally seems incapable of such things. I'm beginning to believe it's not in her DNA to be like that with someone, even her husband.

Just last night I was real sweet and nice, and when we arrived home from work, I put on this love song she likes, and proceeded to invite her over to the couch. I said I wanted to show her something. She sat down, the song played, and I began kissing her slowly. Of course she immediately giggled, and asked me what was going on, etc, etc. I think of this as the defense mechanisms kicking in. I proceeded to tell her this was not about sex, and I just wanted to show her how I want to be kissed, and how we can enjoy such a thing entirely on it's own. She never let me kiss her for more than 5 continuous seconds. She just turns her head after that. She then began saying that my unshaved face of a few days was bothering her. I pressed her on it, and said "are you sure that's the problem"? and she finally admitted "I'm just not into this type of thing as much as you are".

She'll always come up with smoke screen answers to why these intimate moments are so difficult, but that just annoys me further, because I know I'm being lied to. I was just happy she was willing to admit it this time.

So, we still ended that moment on a positive note, with laughter and fun. I proceeded to be a diligent helper for the next hour, and cleaned up the kitchen, put away dishes, put away some laundry, etc. Later on I brought up the subject of a baby again, as we had recently discussed the topic for the first time. She pretty much admitted she wanted nothing to do with pregnancy, or having a baby. She didn't want to have unprotected sex with me, etc, etc. It all scared her in some way.

So, to sum up this one single night. Rejection, rejection, rejection. She doesn't want my kissing and she doesn't want my baby. That's a horrible feeling to go to bed with.

I'm 33, and she's 30. We've been married 6+ years. This just has me so worried about the future of our relationship. I need more than this so badly right now that it makes me all the more impatient with her, and frankly I'm doubting this can truly be corrected.

[WildChild]

Dance, you should add that to the Books About Sex, thread, even if it isn't exactly sex, it's about keeping the pot boiling.