[danceintx]

These women all have had great advice and I agree whole-heartidly. I think it's great you are now trying to change a situation and realized where you may have gone wrong.

It's never too late.


I want to mention a book I read while I was married (my ex was not near as receptive to change as you) that I thought was good and might be good for you and your wife to read. It's short, but a lot of good info. It's called Real Moments For Lovers by Barbara De Angelis and it's about creating intimacy in your relationship in every day moments and in sex. All the luck to you both.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That is definately great to hear.

Never stop feeling that way, she may have her ups and downs through the process, keep focused and I'm really pleased that you feel this for her and that she's reacting to that as well...

[caterpillar79]

... Here is what I wrote.

"It feels like one day you wake up only to realize you've been married to this beautiful, amazing woman, and you didn't fully realize it all that time. In the concentrated blast of a laser beam, you are suddenly aware of what you have, and just how very precious it is. You find yourself wanting to worship her, covet every inch of her, and experience everything that is her. In the words of the loyal dog named Dug, from the movie Up, "My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you."

That's lovely and sweet! Write it in a card like this:

"There was once a man. One day, he woke up and realized he's been married to this beautiful, amazing woman, but didn't fully realize it all that time. In the concentrated blast of a laser beam, he suddenly became aware of what he has, and just how very precious it is. He found himself wanting to worship her, covet every inch of her, and experience everything that is her.

That man is me. In the words of the loyal dog named Dug, from the movie Up, "My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you."

Sorry, I could not help myself but edit and add some of my cheesy writing into yours. It's just a suggestion. You can come up with a better one I believe that deeply.

So, to sum it up, write this on a card and have some flowers to go with it. What are her favorite flowers, do you know? Give these to her in a candle lit dinner. Then kiss her gently and passionately. (NO sex that night).

..... I then gently told her how much nice it would feel to me if she were to respond in a different way, such as getting close to me and saying "I love you, and want to make love to you soon, but just not right this minute", followed by a kiss or two. I told her that kind of response would leave me with a great feeling of desire and love from her, but just without the sex I desired. She agreed to try this going forward. I was very happy to hear that.

We're really making leaps here. Like Little said, you are a lucky man, and she is blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is willing and capable to go the extra mile.

Here is what I think. Remember PAVLOV and the dog - classical conditioning. This is where I am going. Touch her, caress her, make her feel your love and passion. Cuddle her, hug her from behind, a peck on her neck anytime (preferably when she least expects it), and every time she tends to push you away, tell her and reassure her, you are not going to have sex with her until she wants to. You are just expressing to her how much you love her - that's called intimacy. Do this until it just comes natural to both of you. As a start, don't even make your touches that long, just a simple and gentle touch on the shoulders, on the cheek, a brush off of her hair which strayed on her face...this could do magic.

Good luck. I wish you success.

[Little]

That was a GREAT reaction for you to have And it sounds like she is willing to change her habits as much as you are. You are a lucky man. It sounds like you'll have a second chance at having a passionate marriage.

[WantingToBeWanted]

Thanks Neophyte, and everyone who has contributed to the discussion in this thread. I really appreciate your interest and help in this matter. I am also excited to further my efforts in bringing my wife back to her full sexual self.

I wrote up this little thing about what I've been feeling in recent months for her, in regards to my emerging from my anxiety state of 2009, and seeing life as the delicate, fragile thing it is. That includes my love for her, and our marriage. Here is what I wrote.

"It feels like one day you wake up only to realize you've been married to this beautiful, amazing woman, and you didn't fully realize it all that time. In the concentrated blast of a laser beam, you are suddenly aware of what you have, and just how very precious it is. You find yourself wanting to worship her, covet every inch of her, and experience everything that is her. In the words of the loyal dog named Dug, from the movie Up, "My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you."


I haven't shown it to her yet, but I plan on it. Just this morning she turned me down for sex after waking up, as she is on her period, and we've never once engaged in period sex. Again, sort of a mutual decision there, but I have to teach her that nothing about her is dirty, and I would have some period sex, on the lighter days if you know what I mean.

She turned me down harshly, as usual, and just acted annoyed I was touching her and said "no". I then gently told her how much nice it would feel to me if she were to respond in a different way, such as getting close to me and saying "I love you, and want to make love to you soon, but just not right this minute", followed by a kiss or two. I told her that kind of response would leave me with a great feeling of desire and love from her, but just without the sex I desired. She agreed to try this going forward. I was very happy to hear that.

[neophyte]

Dear Wanting to be Wanted,

First of all, everyone experiments in college. So, your wife had a lot of sex partners, so what? Get over it! You should be thankful she was open to exploring her sexual self. And that she would commit herself to someone like you for LIFE, who seems the exact opposite in regards to sex.

From the way you described your reaction to her past sexual history, she is now someone she thinks that you would prefer. So, you killed that sex kitten with your disdain of her past.

You can't look down on her past sexual relationships and then want the same for yourself. That is a very mixed message. Basically, you want a "pure" wife who is a ho with you.

All you can do now is try to make her see that you were so wrong to judge her and be more open to exploring sex YOURSELF, including oral! If she sees that you are willing to try something like that even thought you hate it, she will know you are putting an effort and trying to be more creative and adventuresome. Heck, you might really enjoy it, once you get her off!

[caterpillar79]

Reading through to the end, I see that; his early posts didn't suggest he'd gain that insight anytime soon, though.

Seems like he's on the right track. We're making progress here.

[Texasred]

Think he is being honest now with himself Texasred.. Sometimes you need to hear before you can see.

Reading through to the end, I see that; his early posts didn't suggest he'd gain that insight anytime soon, though.

[Texasred]

...she was happy, so she thought we both were happy. And, the limited boring sex we had was satisfying to her, so she didn't want to need to do anything else.

Wow, does THAT sound familiar!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

"May have played a part???"
I think before you make any progress, you'll have to be honest with yourself first.

WantingToBeWanted

I definitely made a big mistake early on, saying some of the judgmental things I said, but I have owned up to it, and apologized. It still changed nothing. I realized now I need to be truly active working on this with her, as it's not going to change with subtle suggestions.

Think he is being honest now with himself Texasred.. Sometimes you need to hear before you can see.