[rcoreyus]

There is the old joke about how all the other drivers on the road are either "fast driving maniacs", or "slow driving idiots". I think there is just a lot of variation among people.

The problem with sex is that we have decided that is should be exclusive. I you want more than your SO, you can't just go enjoy sex with someone else. (in most relationships that is). So, one person will always feel deprived, and the other pressured.

I still want to find out why people with higher drives always seem to end up with people with lower drives! there are so many women and men who would like it 2-3 times a day, and others who would lke it 2-3 times a year.

How come we are mis-matched???

[Losingit361]

My problem is I love affection, and my husband is the wham bam thank you ma'am kinda guy over the past several years. I've become very frustrated. To the point where its no fun anymore. I try to make him understand that he's not the only one who needs to be satisfied...he doesn't get it. I've tried oral, but , he's still getting all the attention. It does NOTHING for me... and he won't even kiss me unless I initiate, and then he makes an excuse to cut that short. Before the kids, we had sex all the time. (19 years ago)Now it's like once a month. I think we even went 6 weeks one time. I thought I was going to shrivel up and die!!
Well, he moved out and in with his GF so I guess I won't have to worry about that anymore..although I may still shrivel up and die!!! Hopefully someday soon I will find a man who will give me alittle pleasure instead of making it all about him. Gotta lose some weight before any new guy sees this body though.

[Lizzy girl]

So your saying i should bring it to his attention that maybe he should go get a check up for his lack of drive? wont that insult him? how can i do it nicely? Do you understand where im coming from though? I just want sedx more often. we can work on the length if he could just turn the tv off or get up from bed. Do you think it has to do with his health? ANd a comment to the one about we cant just go get other partners. VERY TRUE> I would never think about that i love him to much to think of "knowing " another man in that way.

Yes you have a problem - mismatched intererst in sex.

A steady diet (however infrequent) of quickies, bjs and hjs sounds like he is not interested in an emotional connection, or in pleasuring you.
The infrequency and claims of fatigue, may indicate that he has some problems with his hormone levels. A complete check up is in order and a some clear communication. Unfortunately, as we have discussed here many times. the person with the lower interest controls the sex. Quite a power play really. I do think that sometimes it's a passive agressive behavior. In any case, tak to him, calmly and clearly. Let him know that this is a problem and you not only want but Need to have the two of you work it out.

Bottom line, the ball is in his court. If he loves you and wants to keep the marriage alive, he will get a check up and start making some changes. If not, you will have to decide what you are willing to live with or without.

[Lizzy girl]

ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!Im sure your just a beautiful as before. I still kinda have that insecure feeling from time to time when i know ive been naughty and eatin like 2 cupcakes but i know im still attractive and he loves me and my body for what it is. So any man would be lucky to have you you just need to find the right one!!!
and P.S what a dummy for leaving the women he fell in love with for someone that he wont last with.

My problem is I love affection, and my husband is the wham bam thank you ma'am kinda guy over the past several years. I've become very frustrated. To the point where its no fun anymore. I try to make him understand that he's not the only one who needs to be satisfied...he doesn't get it. I've tried oral, but , he's still getting all the attention. It does NOTHING for me... and he won't even kiss me unless I initiate, and then he makes an excuse to cut that short. Before the kids, we had sex all the time. (19 years ago)Now it's like once a month. I think we even went 6 weeks one time. I thought I was going to shrivel up and die!!
Well, he moved out and in with his GF so I guess I won't have to worry about that anymore..although I may still shrivel up and die!!! Hopefully someday soon I will find a man who will give me alittle pleasure instead of making it all about him. Gotta lose some weight before any new guy sees this body though.

[Ros2007]

I know exactly how you feel! .. I have a vvery high sex drive and my fiance, not so much. Sometimes I would even beg for it and then end up going to sleep crying and frustrated. It's very hard when your partner doesn't have the same drive as you. This went on for years until finally I couldn't take it any longer. I had a serious talk with him about how it made me feel when he turned me down and how important sex in a relationship was to me. He finally realized that he had to make some kind of effort and pay more attention to my needs or we weren't going to work. Granted I still don't get as much sex as I would like (like a said- vvery high sex drive) but we came to a fair compromise.
Basically you have got to tell him how important it is to you. He is either going to understand and try to please you or he is not. If he chooses not to then I would have huge doubts about how long your relationship will last. Your feelings will only get worse and you will be unhappy.
Best of luck to you!

[Lizzy girl]

I was going to bring up the counseling thing with him. I dont know what has happened though as i said b4 it was all the time and now he said its because hes gained wieght.....soooooo freakin what i did to im not 108 anymore. THANKs TO MY DAUGHTER."lol" any way. he said he is still very attracted to me and when we do finally get o hes all focused on me kisses me. well kinda "not as much as i would liek. " im very sensual i love to be touched.. DOnt all women? and ive brought it up to him i want him to rub my body more and kiss me more he does for like 4 seconds and then ... DONE. so.back to the main point. It wasnt always liek this and i just want to get it back. And as for my some on the side..well not trying to be dirtty but realistic... my blue dolphin works perfect and so does anything that vibrates. which is wierd cuz i dont use the actual "male" part only the vibrator. i dont like fake ones. i like his. so tahst my on the side. i could never cheat i respect him and love him to much. just the thought of it makes mee nausiated. i think thats how tou spell it. .. and believe me i know their are so many men that would love to keep me satisfied but im just simply not intrested in them. ?? y do you think that is.. Im not gay so why dont i have sexual feelings towards other men?

[rcoreyus]

I wish there was a way to make the people who reject their spouses' desire for sex / intimacy understand just how terrible that makes someone feel. It also seems that frequently the people who want less sex, also are much less willing to please their partners.

[Lizzy girl]

I have tried alot off differnet things.. Dressing up.. I bought so many racey sexy naughty outfits. shoes smell good stuff that he likes. and many other things we have tried. but now when i get dressed up or talk dirty its liek the same old routine. which it shouldnt be. i didnt do it all the time only once in a while. so how can seeing a sexy young woman get old? i knwo he likes women.. i know he likes looking at sexy things so how come this doesnt work any more? the other week it was warm and i work a sundress that i havent since i left him ( i am back now as you can tell) . and he was so turned on i couldnt get him off me. he made it a point to tell me he doesnt like it when i wwar sweats all the time. and which i try not to! but a stay at home mom ... come on what am i suppose to wear? i wear tanks and shorts. but to clean and do dishes and laundry its more comfy to wear a tank and sweat pants. and my pants arent baggy so whats the deal? I miss my hubby. and what he brought to the table 3 years ago.

[WildChild]

So your saying i should bring it to his attention that maybe he should go get a check up for his lack of drive? wont that insult him? how can i do it nicely? Do you understand where im coming from though? I just want sedx more often. we can work on the length if he could just turn the tv off or get up from bed. Do you think it has to do with his health? ANd a comment to the one about we cant just go get other partners. VERY TRUE> I would never think about that i love him to much to think of "knowing " another man in that way.

There are a number of health issues that could cause a drop in testosterone- some of them life threatening.

[stressed]

I wish there was a way to make the people who reject their spouses' desire for sex / intimacy understand just how terrible that makes someone feel. It also seems that frequently the people who want less sex, also are much less willing to please their partners.

I agree with all your posts. It's exactly that, not only do they not want as much sex but they are also not equally interested into giving pleasure back. Even when they reach the point of "oh, well, got to do it for her/him today" they don't even think about pleasing us, as if a quick sex session will keep us satisfied for another week.

I'm annoyed today because I woke up with a cut after a yet another quick non-foreplay sex session (I thought it was a finger at first, but now I realize that there was 0 foreplay and it did feel unpleasant at first). Not only do I get it rarely but I end up getting cut as well. It has even reached the point where masturbation feels 10 times better than sex... depressing, never thought it could happen.

Is there a good film about this issue that we can watch with our partners? Maybe seeing how the other side feels in a film would wake them up a bit...