[rcoreyus]

Stressed - I don't think you are going to get anywhere this way. He just plain doesn't seem interested. It practically makes me cry with frustration when I see your posts - it would be so nice to be with someone who enjoyed sex rather than thinking of it as a chore - or maybe a last resort way to wast an extra half hour if there is nothing else to do.

And no, it doesn't "just happen in movies". But it sounds like it isn't happening in your (or my) relationship.

He just isn't interested. I'm really starting to believe that in addition to people being straight - bisexual - gay, people have a wide range of sexual interest, and some are just by nature asexual. It may be as impossible to change that as to change someone's sexual orientation. Just wish you could find out before getting into a long term relationship.

[stressed]

What's confusing me is that he's interested in it in general but not in giving anything back. If he was asexual he wouldn't want any at all. And if he's not interested then why try to cover it up with excuses all the time, just say it as it is.

But you know how difficult it is to leave just because of sex; easier said than done.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Did he "ever" put the effort in? 6 months no sex, and all of this over 4 years?

Sure, it's difficult, but it seems to be that it's always really been this way and you've tried reaching him, but he is a selfish lover.

CW

[rcoreyus]

Maybe it is that simple: he is just selfish. Is he selfish in other things?

What's confusing me is that he's interested in it in general but not in giving anything back. If he was asexual he wouldn't want any at all. And if he's not interested then why try to cover it up with excuses all the time, just say it as it is.

But you know how difficult it is to leave just because of sex; easier said than done.

[pretzel]

Two of man's biggest flaws, insecurity and selfishness. I know them well.

I'm not sold on the insecurity thing though. What I've read is someone who has puffed up his chest claiming to be some kind of great lover thinking his act wouldn't be discovered. It's put up or shut up time and he can't live up to the boasts.

Selfish is absolutely the most appropriate term. I've read this, know this, and could probably give excuses even he hasn't thought of for not wanting to be the sexual partner you desire. There is no greater act of selfishness than that of giving an excuse not to do something for no better reason than you don't want to.

[tabris]

It's just awful, isn't it? I've also noticed that when we watch films together, once I mentioned in a jokingly way that look, that's what couples do, but to that he said "that only happens in movies"...

Some men are totally helpless. What a huge myth it is that men think of sex all the time, I wonder who came up with that one.

Oh I've wanted to say something like that during a movie SO many times. To try and point out that normal people kiss each other and enjoy sex. I haven't though, he just shuts down at any mention of sex.

[tabris]

What's confusing me is that he's interested in it in general but not in giving anything back. If he was asexual he wouldn't want any at all. And if he's not interested then why try to cover it up with excuses all the time, just say it as it is.

But you know how difficult it is to leave just because of sex; easier said than done.

He does sound really selfish. Also before you mentioned that one of his fantasies involved you pretending to be asleep and other things sort of like that? I mean, it sounds like he's more aroused by power than by mutual sex. It's clear he has deep issues with his inability to pleasure a woman if he'd rather masturbate to porn or have sex with a woman who is asleep. There's no chance of dissapointing and unconscious woman right? He has serious issues.

As far as leaving... well I don't know what your situation is so yeah it's super easy for someone to say "just leave". I will say for god sakes do not marry him and do not have a child with him.
I don't regret my daughter for a second but I should have realized that our sex problems would only get worse and should have done something about it long ago.
Seriously think about leaving though. It might be hard at first but it is possible to find other good men out there. If he isn't willing to change, really it's only going to get more painful to stay with him.

[stressed]

Did he "ever" put the effort in? 6 months no sex, and all of this over 4 years?

Sure, it's difficult, but it seems to be that it's always really been this way and you've tried reaching him, but he is a selfish lover.

CW

He only put practical effort in improving for a day or so, after I discussed this with him and he realized that I am right. He always switches back to his usual self. Those 6 months were really bad. The second time I visited him for a week after months of not having been together (it was long distance for 2 years) he turned me down 2-3 times, we had no sex, then I caught a cold and on the last day it felt so depressive that I started to cry as I felt he didn't want me physically. He just found it cute that I cried over us not having sex and said we'll have time for that in the future...

Maybe it is that simple: he is just selfish. Is he selfish in other things?

He does ask me often to make him everyday favours (coffee, shopping, helping around) but I wouldn't say he's too selfish. Then again, it's been so long that even if he is I wouldn't notice it. At least he's changed a lot and he's not as demanding as he used to be, as I did tell him last month that I was considering leaving and I nearly did. I think he got scared and started appreciating me more in that sense. As for sexually selfish, he definitely is, but if I mention anything like that he says he's just drained.

There is no greater act of selfishness than that of giving an excuse not to do something for no better reason than you don't want to.

Exactly. And he knows that if he says "I just don't want to" it would be the end of him. Nobody wants to stay with a man who doesn't want to give as much as he receives. So he tries to cover it with excuses. I can be extremely tired too but I've hardly ever been too tired for that. None of my ex'es has been either.

Oh I've wanted to say something like that during a movie SO many times. To try and point out that normal people kiss each other and enjoy sex. I haven't though, he just shuts down at any mention of sex.

Ah, it will only make you feel bad I think. You'll probably get the same "it's a movie thing" back. Funny, once we were looking at a neighbours' window and they had shut the drapes, which they normally don't do. He said "oh, they must be having sex" and I said "yeah... how unusual for a Saturday night". He got quiet for a second, then looked at me and said "you're right, we'll do that tomorrow too". ...

He does sound really selfish. Also before you mentioned that one of his fantasies involved you pretending to be asleep and other things sort of like that? I mean, it sounds like he's more aroused by power than by mutual sex. It's clear he has deep issues with his inability to pleasure a woman if he'd rather masturbate to porn or have sex with a woman who is asleep. There's no chance of dissapointing and unconscious woman right? He has serious issues.

As far as leaving... well I don't know what your situation is so yeah it's super easy for someone to say "just leave". I will say for god sakes do not marry him and do not have a child with him.
I don't regret my daughter for a second but I should have realized that our sex problems would only get worse and should have done something about it long ago.
Seriously think about leaving though. It might be hard at first but it is possible to find other good men out there. If he isn't willing to change, really it's only going to get more painful to stay with him.

Yes, it's just not right. I mean, if his fantasy is to masturbate over me while I'm asleep... sure, it does sound alright by me, but not when it's like that. Not when he doesn't include me in his fantasies in the sense of interacting with me. I'm not here to please him and I'm not an object. I'm soon going to start feeling used on top of everything. He does love the feeling of "being in control" and "having the power", this is why he turns me down when I initiate, it's a turn off for him to give me some 'power'. But this is also a turn off for me, as when it's always one-sided I don't get to enjoy anything. I'm all up for role playing and letting him do what he wants every once in a while, but what about my fantasies and my needs...

I'm certain that there are other good men out there, I'm sure that I can find a man who understands me and won't be as selfish. Right now I just hit my head against the wall trying to understand what's going on and give him the benefit of a doubt. But, no, marriage is not going to happen and as for a child, the chances are extremely small (which I'm glad for).

[rcoreyus]

What is the last thing he did for you that took real effort on his part?

Overall from what I'm hearing, I think you should leave.

[Betty9674]

Sit him down and tell him what you need. Yup I know this is hard but believe me it is worth the end result. Men are stupid! You need to help them understand.