[supersayan]

Hi All,

I need a little help and advice from the guys of this world or even girls with similar experiences.
I have been with my partner for little over a year and have a big problem with the lack of sex in the relationship.
My partner tells me that his sex drive is lower than mine yet he always manages to masturbate each day when I am not around. He knows how upset i get about this as i feel he is choosing to satisfy his needs alone than consider mine. If we were having sex on a regular basis, his masturbation to porn or celebrities wouldnt be such an issue. We have discussed this many times but it doesnt seem to change anything. When we have sex, it is amazing and we both agree on that. I am so open when it comes to sex that i seem to have more fantasies than him ;-/. I get the fact that sometimes you guys just want to get a quick release but surely not in favour of the real thing 9 times out of 10. I can guarantee that if i was to stay in all day with him he would not initiate sex and would stay on the computer all night. Yet its funny that the minute i am out of the door hes using porn. He deletes the computer history too but i have my ways. He is still very affectionate to me and attracted to me. I havent put on weight etc and without blowing my trumpet i am desired by quite a few other guys too including his friends and workmates. If this was role reversal i would wanna make sure i took care of my blokes needs if i wanted a future with him. This is really getting me down and i am actually considering ending the relationship so he can continue to use the computer for his needs without me sitting around like a lemon. It makes me feel like he is not as attracted to me as he rather stare at pictures of a half naked cheryl cole all night. What am i doing wrong or what should i do?

[sourpuss]

You're not doing anything wrong. If you've communicated to him that it's a problem and how it makes you feel and he won't compromise then it's time to rethink whether or not you want to spend any more time with him or if it's something you can live with.

The bigger concern for me, when I read this, is that you've said how it makes you feel, you're willing to compromise and yet he hasn't. That's a red flag for me.

[StillLearnin]

If he's affecting your sexual relationship by viewing porn then it's a definite problem that needs to be addressed. It's time for a serious talk with him.

[supersayan]

I agree, sometimes i just feel like its a control thing. But then sometimes i feel because i go on about it he probably finds masturbation more exciting as its been such a problem for me. I am resenting him more and more each day because of it. Explain this, how can you find someone attractive, boast that its the best sex you have ever had, say you are madly in love with them and be affectionate in evrry other way than sex? Is it laziness?

[maverick]

From what you describe in your post, I think that you have done all the right things. I'm a guy and I can't imagine choosing self-pleasuring over an affectionate woman. Your partner may have a problem with porn addiction. I'm assuming that you care for him, so get him to a counselor. Make it a joint session if possible. He will be more likely to attend if it is not his problem alone. It seems to me that this guy needs professional help.

[Hopeless Dork]

I could have written your post to the LETTER... a few months ago. TO THE LETTER. My boyfriend saying he has a lower drive than me, him masturbating to porn often when I wasn't there... him still being affecitonate love, still saying he is attracted to me, our sex life being AWESOME everytime we did it... me being wide open to any fantasy he had... him liking to look up porn but mostly photo's, hot celebs, partial nudes etc, me getting lots of attention from men so feeling my looks are up to snuff, me feeling like a lemon to him because of those actions.

To the LETTER, my dear. Feelings of wanting to end the relationship, feeling like he prefered fantasy to me... I could have written your post :P


I have to ask you, was your boyfriend single for any length of time before you? Are you his first serious committed relationship? I'm curious to see what other common ties there are.

We've managed to work through that issue, it rears its ugly head from time to time. Whenever he's not interested in sex I immediatly think hes already satisfied himself with porn and I need to get over that as he has made changes to make me believe that he's putting my needs first now.

I think for some guys, porn, whatever type they prefer, has become such a part of their identity that its hard for them to let go of. Its fun, there is no performance pressure, any girl they care to see is online naked or at least half naked. The internet makes their every fantasy visually accessible at the push of a button.

They say men have this genetic need to spread their seed but you think porn would be counterproductive to that rather than feeding that need. I mean here they have a real life vagina in the bed but would rather expel their semen in their lap to pixels on a monitor. How in the world can that be evolutionarily reasonable? But thats their reasonsing if you ask them... the need for variety, blah blah the monkeys make them do it.

I don't really care, anymore I don't worry about porn I worry about how much effort he puts into making me feel good and loved and wanted. If he's not doing that when I told him its what I need then the problem is selfishness not porn, I realize that now.

But after all our communicating on the issue I think he finally understands that I need intimacy with him to feel complete in our relationship. If I need it more than him, I'm fine with going without sometimes... but If I am going with out because he just had to blow it on a you tube video of a bikini car wash I am going to feel slighted, and I'm not goign to be mad at him watching the videos, I am going to be mad at him not putting me, who he says matters most, first.

[stressed]

Same here, it felt as if I was reading something I could have written months ago too! Exactly the same words! Everything!

And like HD also said, you shouldn't worry as much about the porn itself but how he treats you. If he chooses porn instead of you and doesn't discuss it or care then you either have to drastically act (because he's addicted) or let him be and move on (if you don't have the energy or will to work on this addiction).

Certainly, there are men who don't watch porn while in a relationship, but if your guy does and it bothers you there are several ways to deal with it, the best of which being tracing the root of the problem: whether he'd rather spend his sexual energy on you or a fantasy. Because if you feel satisfied, loved and wanted you don't even notice or think whether he's been watching porn or not, because you feel 'complete'; you know that your man only wants you and that porn is just a form of entertainment (heck, you might even watch some porn yourself then, it's actually fun for women as well). But if he always turns you down, if he always finds methods to get you out of the house to be by himself with his computer and if he's not interested in sex, then you have to address his behaviour.

It's very important to address his behaviour towards sex and not focus on porn, because he won't understand it otherwise, he will think that you just want to be controlling and prevent him from doing something "normal". Once he understands that (if he cares enough) then you will find it easier to live with him and you will both respect each others' needs.

Remember, what you feel right now is normal! You are not doing anything wrong.

[supersayan]

HD yes he was single for a long time before we got together, atleast 3 or 4 years but that doesnt mean to say he didnt have friends with benefits..in fact he had loads lol. But your post and stressed's post has helped me find some comfort in that atleast i am not the only person who has gone through this.

[Hopeless Dork]

HD yes he was single for a long time before we got together, atleast 3 or 4 years but that doesnt mean to say he didnt have friends with benefits..in fact he had loads lol. But your post and stressed's post has helped me find some comfort in that atleast i am not the only person who has gone through this.

Ahh,, see even though he had friends with benefits, and was having sex.. the fact that he was single for so long may in fact play a role.. like I think it played in my situation.

I think that when they don't have a committed partner, they don't have to share any part of themselves they don't want to. If they wanted sex with someone they'd call an fwb etc.. if they weren't available they might use porn, or might prefer to stay home and use porn anyway... no one was dependent on their intimacy so perhaps they just don't grasp that concept.

When you are in a relationship its no longer all about your needs its about the both of your needs. I think people that are single for a long time learn to put their own needs first... and its a tug of war til they learn to share.

[Sockswsandals]

Sounds like porn addiction. I'm a guy. I don't look at porn. My dad was a porn addict. My mom took him to counselling. Big fights. I'm pretty much scarred for life.

Moral of the story: he's addicted to porn. Addictions are nothing to take lightly. Give him a wake up call. Say your taking him out to dinner, but drive to the counsellers office instead. Stay in a hotel one night and leave a note saying your fed up with his addiction and you need to talk before your coming back. Either he'll call, or he's addicted past the point of no return.
I've witnessed this first hand. I know how it works.