[Mitchel1870]

It has been a rough week of arguing and talking.
I was wondering if any of the other married (or previously married) women
on the board had the same feelings as my wife.

We meet very young and have been together for 15+ years. It has been a warm and caring relationship. I have always been faithful, supporting and loving.

When we first meet lets say everything was great and they was like 10 to 12 different 'things' we did. We had sex constantly. Now this is down to 2 'things'. She has said that she was once young and did things that I beleive from her comments she regrets ever doing or feels they are demeaning to women (oral sex on a man). She would do it but to a certain point let say.
She has said she feels more confident than when she was younger and that she is doing what she wants now. What is hard for me is that she has no fantasies nor has she ever asked if I had any or if there was anything I could do about them. She refuses to allow me to perform oral sex on her (without expectation of same). She will rarely remove all of her clothing during sex. Lately she does not want her breasts touched, i haven't been able to kiss them for over 10 years now (since kids). Oddly enough she does acheive orgasm (say 99%) of the time during sex.

Have any of the other women here taken back what you would do for a long term partner?

I guess I always thought that over time things would get better with age. I always thought that as we grew toghter that the sex would get more intimate and maybe the things she didn't do she would open up and try. Unfortunately it is going the opposite way with time.

[Explorer44]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I would agree that one would think you would grow closer, feel more free as the time went by.

But

I have read too many stories of people here who have experienced even more extreme withdrawals of spouses/So. It happened to me as well, with my last boyfriend.

I have no advice but to keep talking. Sounds like some walls have been put up, trust issues perhaps? Maybe some self esteem issues for her? Work on the emotional and perhaps the physical will eventually follow?!

Best Wishes

[Mitchel1870]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I would agree that one would think you would grow closer, feel more free as the time went by.

But

I have read too many stories of people here who have experienced even more extreme withdrawals of spouses/So. It happened to me as well, with my last boyfriend.

I have no advice but to keep talking. Sounds like some walls have been put up, trust issues perhaps? Maybe some self esteem issues for her? Work on the emotional and perhaps the physical will eventually follow?!

Best Wishes

I don't think it is trust or I can't see how it could be that. I think she is unhappy with her body but then she has always been. I have always told her that she is beautiful and she has nothing to worry about. I have tried talking but this goes in a cycle of good then bad that seems to repeat. I feel distant and bitter and that adds to the problems. We seem to fight over the smallest things.

[LilahX]

How very sad for you both. I've found that with age my sexual confidence and adventurousness has increased (but that is after a divorce and a new man).

The only way around this is lots of talking, but if she won't (or can't) verbalise what her underlying issues are then I can offer no suggetions.

Her reluctance for you to touch her breasts may well be that she thinks they've lost their attractiveness as they change after children and with age. Unless she is willing to believe you still find her attractive, and that she feels that way herself, I think it's a bit of a lost cause.

Her issues with things like oral sex probably need something like counselling - but of course she has to first admit there is a problem and then be willing to work on it.

Unfortunatley I don't think this can be easily resolved but hopefully she's willing to talk about it at least, and seek some help.

Good luck

[rcoreyus]

A sadly common problem. If she doesn't realize that there is a problem, I don't think there is much to be done.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that her self esteme may be at a low.

She won't let you touch her boobs, since childbirth suggests that she "hates" her boobs now.

Not letting you see her naked, maybe a stem from that, dressed, means no sex.

You also have to take into the equation "how long" it's been this way. If it's been this way for quite a few years, then you both let things go back then, it's not that easy to bring it all back again.

It's fantastic that you make her feel loved but I wonder if she believes she's "beautiful" or thinks your just saying that.

Do you do things that compliment that thought? A rose, chocolates, date nights, things that are for "no reason" and I mean, no reason, not to gain sex, but to just keep the relationship with a spark of love.

Nothing is impossible in life. Go to the family album with a bottle of wine, and sit and look and laugh and "remember this?", type thing... first off. Then state how you remember what made you fall in love with her, venture mentally your past together.

From there, at least you would be able to add in the flower, etc, because you've already made your statement from viewing the past on how beautiful she was and still is etc...

If she orgasms, then I can't see that she isn't attracted to you anymore but I do bet that alot is missing not just the sex... You've become maybe best friends, life is mundane, no fun, laughter, romance.

Try that direction.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Has she had any major body changes in the last few years? Gaining/Losing weight? Breasts changing after children , etc? The way you mention she doesn't take her clothes off and doesn't want you touching her breasts sounds more like a self-esteem issue than her just not wanting to be close you.

Do you try to make her feel like you find her beautiful? Thats a huge aphrodesiac... nothing makes me want sex more than feeling sexy... that comes from within , but oh a little glance, a naughty comment, or sweet one too... go A LONG, LONG way into putting me in that mood.

I'm not saying you are doing this, but if you are... its not to your benefit... a lot of men whose wife has a changed body will drop hints to make her feel bad hoping she'll pick up on it and try to change -- instead it leads to feeling of hopelessness in most cases, if she doesn't think you find her sexy she wont feel like having sex.

If she finds things demeaning and degrading now, that she didn't before... it could also be that "i'm someones mom, now" syndrome that some women get... some men get it to about their wives and no longer enjoy some acts because they see her on a pedestal, mother of his kids... can't do dirty things to her. A person can still be a good mom, and be a naughty vixen in the bedroom - the two aren't mutually exclusive... but for some its a hurdle to overcome.

If she is physically responsive to sex, yet still doesn't want it ... its likely some kind of emotional block. My guesses without knowing more about her are some body image issues, and some misplaced views on what is and isn't degrading between two people in a loving committed relaitonship.

It might not help, but it couldn't possibly hurt to make some steps to show her how much you desire her still, and not just when you are looking for sex. Let her catch you staring at her rear end. Notice her outfits, tell her she is irresistable when come up behind her at the sink with a kiss to her neck. Plant the seeds here and there that she is still a woman to you, a hot beautiful woman.

[Mitchel1870]

HD - I have never dropped hints. We have both gotten older and gained weight but I have no problems with myself or her, she is still beautiful to me and I tell her that all of the time. I love coming home and seeing her. I am the affectionate one, I am always kissing her and telling her I love her. She never intiates.

CW - Some time went by after the kids. It wasn't until recently that I realized how far it had gone and wanted the old ways back. It happens slowly over time and you don't notice it all at once. She wants a reduction surgery, but I love them. Since kids they have been off limits to lips. She also won't deeply kiss me anymore, which i miss. I have never seen her take more than a inch of wine. You are right in that we are friends and live together I think. Sex seems like a chore to her. She'd rather watch TV. I feel somewhat dirty after sex she hops up and 'washes me off her' so to speak. You would think what comes out of me is dirty or something, least that is how it feels.

I think she does have the I'm a mom syndrome. I don't want someone on a pedestal, I'd rather have someone naughty in a bed at night (or day, or when kids are playing outside). The kids are rarely away and we never have time together but that is her choice. Its just odd that she does not want foreplay, oral or intitate sex. Is it strange she has no desire for herself and want to give to her husband? I would do anything for her and beg her constantly to let me try (to no avail). When we were 18 and had no time pulling aside clothing and going for it was all we had but now we have time for more. She says she avoids touching me becuase it will make me want sex more.

LX - I have often thought if I could bottle and sell the chemicals that are in the brain when lovers first meet (you know the feelings) that I could make a million dollars. Lucky you. My problem is I don't want to find another, I want the one I have. She just doesn't want me in the same way.

R - have seen your posts before and I think we are in the same boat. I asked for conseling and she said go ahead since i have the problem not her. She thinks she is normal and this is the way it should be.

[WildChild]

I can't speak to long term in a good relationship, my longest have been 8 years and 9 years in poor to awful ones. In my own case it's been the men who have lost interest; one due to a combination of BPD and religious ideas, the other due to very poor health. But as a mature woman with a high sex drive I can attest that in my own case I've become more open as I get older. The only times I've backed off or shut down had been when I feel unloved or uncared about.

That said though, I have an idea that women who do not love themselves may shut down because of that lack. Resolving this can be tough. As you have found and some other posters have noted, another's words and actions can often have little effect on a person's negative self image. But self talk can make a big difference and over time you may be able to affect that. Positive affirmations posted around the house and often repeated, do start to sink in, even if people don't realize it. I did this with my kids. Years later I hear the message of affirmations I had posted up years ago, come out of their mouths with complete assurance, "Don't try to be perfect, just strive for excellence."

Whether this would be enough all by itself I doubt but perhaps combined with some other things... Check out various books, Mama Gena might be a good resource (I don't agree with all her ideas but she has a sassy wake-up kind of attitude toward sexuality that is great) John Grey would be another.

Thing is you can't make someone change. You can encourage and support, you can lay out the options and one of those maybe that the relationship won't survive if there aren't changes. Sometimes people need a jolt to wake them up.

[LilahX]

- have seen your posts before and I think we are in the same boat. I asked for conseling and she said go ahead since i have the problem not her. She thinks she is normal and this is the way it should be.

I have just done an interview for a local newspaper on the topic of people (predominantly men) with 'double lives' ie cheating. I help run a swngers party which is attended by single men (ie men on their own) and a number of those are married. I ws asked why these men felt they had to stray. From what they've told me the vast majority only do so because they no longer get sex at home, or what they get is extremely limited or unsatisfactory.

It's a shame women don't take this issue more seriously and think the men are the ones with a problem. I have seen where it can lead and as harsh as it may sound, I don't blame the guys one bit. Of course there are always two sides to any issue, but if one partner isn't willing to work on a problem (irrespective of whether they think there is one or not) then I'm sorry - suffer the consequences.

I've said it many times here - sex is a very important part of a r/ship whther people like that fact or not, and it leads to many many problems.