[pretzel]

It works both ways. The man in my life wants what he wants and too bad if I want anything but crumbs. I've entirely given up trying to initiate sex or any kind of intimacy.

We know it goes both ways. We really do understand (at least most of us do) that your needs aren't any different from our own.

But when the dog understands you better than your wife does?

[MiniVanMan]

I've been very very agitated since Monday when I found out about her masturbation. I haven't eaten solid food, slept more than two hours a night, or gone to work since then. It's been really difficult.

So this morning I asked my wife some of the tough questions that I really needed answered, such as Why have we had a sexless marriage since we got married 20 years ago if her sex drive is what it is? Why am I the only one going to sex therapy, when she's banging it out solo twice a week?

Anyway, her response was interesting. She said she was in over her head, and we should call our counselor and try to get a session today. Miraculously, we got an hour this afternoon. Since it was so evident that I was losing it, the counselor focused on getting me to the point where I could discuss things without crying or blaming or just freaking out.

So the counselor gave me some coaching and then worksheets to get me "grounded" and to help me cope with my feelings. It sounds like a lot of woo-woo but I think she was right. No matter how desperately I wanted to get all this out in the open and discussed and examined, I wasn't really in a state where I could do so. I feel better now, still distressed, but I'm not crying anymore. We see her again on Monday.

Unfortunately, I have this sinking feeling that the end result will be nothing more than trying to have me get past all the things that are hurting so I can get on with my life. This is NOT what I want to do. I want answers. As harsh at it sounds now, I want blame. I want her to realize how tough it is for me to even think about all this. I want her to be sorry. I want her to understand rather than say that it's "really no big deal". I want to be understood. Really understood.

[rcoreyus]

You have my sympathy (from someone in a somewhat similar situation). It IS a big deal!

You've known your wife for many years - do you have any feelings about what might be going on? Could she be a lesbian (and not really admit it to herself)? Does she find men attractive - just not you? When you have sex does she have orgasms - might she be faking?

I don't think blame matters (yes it IS her fault). What matters is if it is likely to change, and what you want to do if it doesn't.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She said she was in over her head, and we should call our counselor and try to get a session today.

Unfortunately, I have this sinking feeling that the end result will be nothing more than trying to have me get past all the things that are hurting so I can get on with my life. This is NOT what I want to do. I want answers. As harsh at it sounds now, I want blame. I want her to realize how tough it is for me to even think about all this. I want her to be sorry. I want her to understand rather than say that it's "really no big deal". I want to be understood. Really understood.

From reading what you have written, I agree with what the Councellor has recommended and I do suspect that your wife, did not want to answer your questions, preferring that you go down this path, of understanding the feelings/emotions first before any discussions of any sorts. As, there is still anger, resentment, as you say "blame" game..

Go along with what is being suggested to you. You do need to feel grounded and be able to accept what ever, eventually is disclosed to you.

You may not be understood. You many not get that understanding. When two people fall, to a point of no return.. they sometimes, don't see your point, you don't see their point, it's just the way it is.

But, instead of focusing on that for now.. because "anything can happen in life" focus on what your Councellor is getting you to do, you will benefit from it.

Best wishes.

CW

[cuff]

Does she think you are just using her for a sexual release when you do have sex? Does she understand that for you, intimacy comes from the sex? Seems that she's disconnected intimacy, from sex with you. They're two different things to her and thinks it's the same in your eyes. So it's easier for her to take care of herself when she needs it, you take care of yourself when you need it, and move on with your day. If it in fact is just for the release. I may be completely off base. If she's drawing intimacy from other things about you other than sex, I can understand. My girlfriend can do the same, which I don't necessarily feel the same way, or not at the same depth of intimacy she does.

I can understand the desire to want to be desired. It says so many different things to a man and is a turn-on in itself. My girlfriend and I have a different sex drive. We've talked about it and we both compromise in order to meet each others needs. If I'm not communicative with her, or she feels I'm not being emotionally supportive with things she needs, it will drop her sex drive. If she feels she can't come to me about her day or problems and express it, it's going to affect her emotionally and mentally when it comes to me. I think you two need to listen and understand each other more. I think you both need to compromise. No fingers can be pointed at either one as the reason things aren't working. Good luck to you

[Ashlee T.]

I guess I'm sort of on the opposite side of this...because I was her. I stopped wanting sex from him. It was a series of things that caused it. I grew resentful that he was constantly trying to have sex with me. I grew resentful because everytime he'd do something nice for me like rub my back or tuck me in he'd initiate sex. I grew resentful because even if he knew I was exhausted, he'd still initiate. I grew resentful because I had to be the one 100% responsible for birth control. I grew resentful because he disregarded me, more than once when it came to sex. (i.e. having an ovarian cyst and still being pursued for sex even after explaining that it hurt me). I grew resentful because when I did have sex with him after all these things transpired, my mind wouldn't let me enjoy it, and I stopped having orgasms. Then I grew even more resentful because I couldn't have an orgasm, and he was so totally out of tune with me that he paid no attention to that fact at all. Gradually, bit by bit, I found myself not sexually attracted to him anymore. I mean, he physically hadn't changed, so realistically how could I just not be sexually attracted anymore? But it was an emotional thing for me, I couldn't control it. Yet, despite all this, I'm still human, I'm still a young vibrant woman with desires and needs....so I took care of those needs with my trusty toy that expected nothing from me. Would it hurt him? Yeah probably. But had he hurt me? Yeah...so in my mind, it was "even". Was I wrong for thinking that way? Yeah...that's an unproductive way of thinking.....but at the time it "protected" me.

I'm gradually getting past this. It's taking time. Our last "experience" didn't go well, and I once again felt disregarded. I'm trying to move past it and move forward into a healthy relationship, instead of one full of blame and resentment. It's not easy.

Does this mean that your wife feels like I felt? No, not at all. But there's a good chance she does. There's a good chance she feels such tremendous pressure from you regarding sex, that she just can't make herself do it, and if she does, she's likely not enjoying it because of what's going on in her mind. Makes for a tough situation.

I'm afraid that it seems clear on a daily basis, that people blame sex for their problems when the problems typically go MUCH deeper than sex. The lack of, is usually just a trickle down effect from the other issues.

[stressed]

I think the problem here is that you focused almost too much on the fact she masturbates twice a week, instead of the reasons why she does. She did admit she's not emotionally connected with you, that by itself must make you worry a lot more than sex or masturbation.

If you love her more than anything and want to stay with her, you have to work on that aspect first. You both have to equally work to bring this connection back to the relationship, otherwise sex will never improve.

Just my opinion.

[caterpillar79]

You both have to equally work to bring this connection back to the relationship, otherwise sex will never improve.

In my book, most women make love when there is emotional connection. The lack thereof means the lack of the other. It is not synonymous, but it is interconnected and interdependent. Most men on the other hand feel the connection when making love - women have to feel the connection first in order to make love. Tricky deal.

[Hopeless Dork]

. So it's easier for her to take care of herself when she needs it, you take care of yourself when you need it, and move on with your day. If it in fact is just for the release.

Thing is she doesn't want him masturbating though. She has asked him to see a sex therapist because of him masturbating. She doesn't want to have sex with him because she feels no emotional connection. But does not want him masturbating, but does so herself twice a week. *shrug*

[MiniVanMan]

It's not that she doesn't want me masturbating. It's that she feels that sex, including masturbation, is something that I do or want or think about in excess to the point of harming our intimacy and my social life. She says this personal little sex life of my own is at the expense of other important things in my life.

And to be clear, I'm not upset about the masturbating per se. If we were having a "normal" fulfilling sex life together, I'd have no problem with her masturbating. One important issue with me is that she seems to be doing the same thing she's accusing me of doing. That it, having solo sex time in place of sex with her spouse. She's forgoing intimacy for masturbation. And in her case, I never even knew about it until now.

I was thinking in the car today that I've always had this smidgeon of benefit of the doubt about her. If she really did not have a sex drive all these years, then I could understand. She just didn't have the drive. Sex wasn't important, maybe for some physical problem. But now that I know the sex drive was there all along, then it wasn't for lack of drive, and it wasn't because she stopped loving me. That leaves one thing left: she just didn't want to, despite knowing how important it is to me.

That hurts.

It's been another rough day.