[Ashlee T.]

You're angry, you're hurt, you're resentful, and you feel 100% justified in feeling that way because she has been avoiding sex with you yet taking care of herself.

She's angry, she's hurt, she's resentful, and she feels 100% justified in feeling that way because she feels you place more importance on sexual satisfaction than you do your emotional foundation with her.

The positive = she HAS a sex drive. Many women suffer from lack of libido altogether. Medically there's not much that can be done about it, so we either force ourselves into a sexual role we don't want nor enjoy, or we quit doing it all together. You're fortunate this is not a problem for her.
= she doesn't want to lose you. She values your relationship. She's willing to work on it.

The negative = the foundation of a good compassionate healthy relationship has somehow diminished over the years ( if it was ever there to begin with). Did you all jump into sex quickly in your relationship? If so, "lust" as CW said. Also, if so, its highly likely a "foundation" was never truly created. Women need that, and truthfully, men SHOULD need that too. (Some do). When we don't have that friendship foundation, we begin to feel like sex is a job, a requirement, an obligation and that we are a receptacle for semen to put it bluntly.

= You have coined this as "Her" problem and that somehow someway her job now is to make it up to you, to repent for years of masturbation, etc. So then what is your role in this? You're focused on "I haven't been getting sex", as opposed to what she's telling you which is WHY you haven't been getting sex.

Is it her duty as your wife to have sex with you whenever you want it, despite what she might be feeling, despite the neglect to your emotional relationship, despite how the rest of your relationship is going? If you answer yes, then most definitely it is time to reevaluate your priorities in this relationship.

Aside from that, I'm very sorry you're going through such a tough time.

[sourpuss]

You're angry, you're hurt, you're resentful, and you feel 100% justified in feeling that way because she has been avoiding sex with you yet taking care of herself.

She's angry, she's hurt, she's resentful, and she feels 100% justified in feeling that way because she feels you place more importance on sexual satisfaction than you do your emotional foundation with her.

Short and sweet, this is the problem. The question is, are you willing to put the anger and resentment aside and focus on the emotional side of the relationship. Right now you're stuck being angry and focused on sex. Either you have to let that go, or agree that the two of you are at an impasse and go separate ways.

[MiniVanMan]

The moderator removed all the links I provided that showed that somewhere between 50 and 75% of women fake orgasm. Do a google search and in 5 minutes you'll see where I got the notion that "most women fake it".

[sourpuss]

In my 16 years of being sexually active I can honestly say that I've only faked a handful of times. (probably less than 5) And most of those were because the guy asked me to, to help him finish. Don't believe every stat you find on the internet.

[MiniVanMan]

I provided 8 or 10 links, all from different sources. If there's evidence that contradicts what those sites say, please let me know.

BTW, the search term I used was "why do women fake orgasm".

[sourpuss]

I'm sure if I used google, I could find just as many statistics that claim the opposite.

[MiniVanMan]

Can you provide a search term that would help me find those stats? I'm honestly interested.

[MiniVanMan]

My therapist has asked me to imagine a place of serenity to take myself to that will help me get my mind grounded and calm me down. A "happy place". I've recently come to the conclusion that my happy place isn't an imaginary location but physical touch, and at it's strongest during sexual activity. Skin to skin contact, in particular, sends me to the moon and all my troubles disappear. Even more important, though, is the fact that for me physical touch is the ultimate complement. Nothing is more flattering and intimate. A feeling of warmth washes all over me. And I instantly feel emotionally connected. Unfortunately, the feeling disappears when the physical touch stops.

She told me last night that for her often sex feels like two bags of skin and body parts mashing together with no purpose. But for me, it's the very touching itself that fills me with feelings of intimacy. It's such a simple process. Touch=intimacy. And it works instantly. It has never been a turnoff. I don't see how it could ever be.

That's why sex is so important to me. Nothing makes me feel more physically or emotionally connected. When I told her this, she reiterated that I need to work on that with my therapist. As if I needed fixing.

Maybe she thinks sex is the only way for me to be intimate, which isn't true. It's just the strongest.

[sourpuss]

Maybe she thinks sex is the only way for me to be intimate, which isn't true. It's just the strongest.

It's sounding more and more like you are bound and determined for your wife to feel intimacy and emotional connection through sex, because that's how you feel it. You already know that that is not how she feels the connection and when that connection is missing, she does not enjoy sex. If you're going to make this work, you need to accept that and work from there. Stop digging your heals in and compromise. Your wife has already indicated that she wants to make it work, that she wants to have sex regularly, and she's communicated what she needs from you to get that spark back. If it's something you're not willing to do, or if there are conditions on trying, then you honestly should not even try and you two should split.

At first, I could see your side, and still can a bit. But the more I know about the situation, the more I can see why your wife is so withdrawn and frustrated.

[WildChild]

Some good points have been made here. I would add or re-emphasis that stomping around being PO'd won't help anything. Get it out of your system and do it quickly, get a sledge hammer and find some old concrete to break up or something and just sweat it out. Then wash it away.

Start by owning your role. Over the years you've both piled up the slights, wrongs and misunderstandings. You can't change anyone but you. You can't change her but you can change your responses. The question is what result do you want? Want to make her wrong? Want abject appologies? Want to dump all your anger and frustration on her? If that is the case you shouldn't plan on saving the relationship.

If you want to heal this and move forward, it sounds like that is possible. But you are going to have use what has been as a learning experience and then let it go so you can make changes and move forward. It does sound like the two of have come from such different directions that neither of you can see that the destination is the same. You been a bit vague as to why she is so adamant that you are sexually obsessed and that is a very subjective assessment anyway. One person's idea of a high sex drive might seem average to another. At any rate it seems that she also feels that her needs have not been met for a long time.

You each need to be able to see the other's needs and view. You can't make her see yours but you can make an effort to see her's and to respond in a way that shows her that you understand. That in turn may start to open her up. One of you has to make take first step. You could have a heck of a journey of discovery and a lot of fun doing it - with the right attitude. But you can't if you are carrying around all the anger and frustration, valid or not, it won't serve you.

Can you do it?
Can you let go of it?
You can if you decide that benefits will outweigh holding on to it.
Give it a try?