[sourpuss]

OK, from my perspective this is what I see:

She says that communication and emotional connection is what she needs in the relationship to feel sexually motivated to be physical with you.

She's fully communicated that to you.

You see sex as the most important factor in the relationship and feel resentful that your needs aren't being met.

She's saying that the fact that sex is what is most important to you, is what is making her more withdrawn.

You're saying that the fact that she's withdrawn (yet still has a sex drive and chooses to masturbate) is what is making you so angry.

She's communicated that she would like to have sex several times a weeks, but needs the emotional connection with you to do it.


Do I have that right?

I don't want to pick on you, but at this point it seems like she's really trying to resolve the issue by telling you exactly what her needs are so she can be a woman who meets your needs. But you're too angry and resentful and wanting to place blame/punish that you're not seeing it.

I could be wrong, but from what I've read here, that's what I gather.

[MiniVanMan]

**edit**

[MiniVanMan]

If the two of you don't love one another and don't have a connection....and sounds like you two are both too stubborn and angry/hurt/resentful at this point to meet in the middle and give in to working it out...is there a reason to stay married? Just asking

Right before spring break we agreed that we should separate. She contacted a lawyer and I was in the process of finding one. A few days later she was, in her own words, "practically begging" me to stay together and give it another shot. I gave in because I was too weak to say no.

[MiniVanMan]

I don't want to pick on you, but at this point it seems like she's really trying to resolve the issue by telling you exactly what her needs are so she can be a woman who meets your needs. But you're too angry and resentful and wanting to place blame/punish that you're not seeing it.

Yes, you're right. It's been so bad for so long that I am angry, resentful, hurt, confused, I just want to freaking scream. Scream and jump up and down and throw a fit. Something I've never done as an adult. It's that bad.

[MiniVanMan]

To be completely honest, I find it difficult if not impossible to say "Eh, 20 years of what I consider abuse? No big deal. It had no effect on me. Let's forget all that and be madly in love again."

I honestly don't know if there's any amount of counseling that could get me there. I'd really like to know if anyone as been in my position and found a way. Please, if you have, talk to me. Tell me that it can be done. Tell me HOW it can be done.

I'm listening with all my heart.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hold it

It's not abuse, you now that.. It's that you have always had a high sex drive, very high and your partner, origionally 20 years ago, was in lust and equalled it, then started to withdraw less and less, but still loved you, just didn't have a drive.. maybe she never had the drive to start with?

Maybe it was pure lust, chemistry where sex is concerened..

You do in-deed have to work at it, not 20 years later, and that's not your fault, you withdraw yourself, gave up, and looked at other or old methods to help you, but, a relationship sexually can last if you work at it, keep at it and don't let years get in the way, that's where it's hard to get it back.

Go back where you started, bring the lust back into it, don't be bitter, angry over sex or the lact of it.

The fact you call it abuse it's the anger you have to let go of first.

If you can find that girl before you married and she can find you, who knows what will happen.

I commend you for staying all that time, but as you did, don't feel that rage, work towards feeling that "feeling" that you did for each other when you started 20 years ago, see if you can get it back and at least, not twice a day anymore, but more than once a month, as you are, it can happen you know.. She didn't divorce you.

Yes, we do feel like having sex more when we are in love.

We do though also feel like it when we are in lust.

And, we only feel like it, if the relationship continues to be intimate ,so the feeling of love is there, not "love you".. mate... but - deep love that, brings constant reminders.

Once we forget, it's hard to see anything than "love you mate" and that's a friendship, deep, but it has nothing to do with bonding, intimacy and constant being in love.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sourpuss
She says that communication and emotional connection is what she needs in the relationship to feel sexually motivated to be physical with you.

She's fully communicated that to you.

You see sex as the most important factor in the relationship and feel resentful that your needs aren't being met.

She's saying that the fact that sex is what is most important to you, is what is making her more withdrawn.

You're saying that the fact that she's withdrawn (yet still has a sex drive and chooses to masturbate) is what is making you so angry.

She's communicated that she would like to have sex several times a weeks, but needs the emotional connection with you to do it.


Do I have that right?

Have a look at what Sourpuss wrote... we see the anger, but it seems maybe? You are hearing your wife's words.

It seems that she is offering solutions to you..

CW

[sourpuss]

I think part of the problem is that MiniVan doesn't find the emotional connection/intimacy part important. He's hung up on the sex part, which would come (for both people) if the emotional side of the relationship was fixed.

[caterpillar79]

Coming from someone who withdrew from her (ex) husband sexually, I agree with the two Mods above. Your wife is clearly communicating her needs with you but you are closed off now and got beat by your emotions. Don't let it stand in the way. I know how hard it is for you, but is is much harder for her as well. Try to imagine yourself in her shoes (I hope you could).

I am going to share with you my experience if it helps you understand her a little bit more. The ex-husband had always wanted me and I did too - that was in the first 2 years of marriage. Then fights and misunderstandings occured which is normal in couples. I kept telling, communicating how I feel, my needs, my wants and what not - he was not receptive. Every time he showed he "listens", he turned out dismissing everything I say. I grew resentful. He was not as supportive to me in the house, especially emotionally. As days passed, I found myself not having the urge anymore. Whenever we had sex, it felt to me like a chore - no connection, nothing but the penis and the vagina doing their thing and I detested it. I eventually started refusing and he started forcing me and so the story goes. Now you know why he is an ex.

I told him how I felt, I communicated to him what needs to be done in order for me to get it out and reconnect with him, but he did not budge. I told him to read up about Love Languages (Gary Chapman) for it might him help understand me more. I went to see a counselor, invited him to join me for I wanted us to work, I tried to open up, but he failed to meet me halfway.

I hope you don't do what the ex-husband did. Please try your very best to re-establish your connection first. Don't think of sex as an automatic reflex for us women.We cannot function without our emotions. We are beings who are so much in touch of our emotions, and that being said, if you are able to tap that source, you are a sure winner.

Good luck.

[efficient]

Hi,

I believe good communication leads to improved relationship satisfaction. Which leads to better sex. I think you don't focus in sex at the moment, try to improve your relationship.
It happen once on myself, i hated my husband's body odour . I rejected sex and no intimacy I don't even let him touch me, after we have communicated and compromise now we're better.
Hope this help.

iris