[NaturalGoddess]

I slowly realized that we had some other issues to tackle in our relationship before I could address this.

For many relationships it all comes down to the small stuff. Why? because "its not a big deal". But stuff that gets thrown in the bucket builds up over time.
And man can it get worse. This might not even apply to you but is overlooked by many, hence the need to add . Things like past beliefs, childhood events, a nasty comment, even past lives (in a spiritual sense) can have an effect on someone. Things that might not have anything to do with you can eat at someone till they take things out on the people they are closest to and can have no idea why. The mind is powerful. Subconscious stuff is still there, so even the smallest things that don't seem to bug you can. (And it shines through in weird ways) People say they have great communication and sex but do they really? I don't want to be mean but the white lies of relationships can develop into other things as they catch up to you.

After all the discussing and no opening up from your wife I wondered if it was something small that lead to her feeling the need to deny it. There's endless possibilities to why people act the way they do, my examples are quite vast and It seems my point has not made sense but I feel my 5cents might be worth something XD

Best of Luck for your future

[Tod121]

In simple terms, this problem is just like many others in as much as little or no communication will lead to guess work, assumptions and problems. If your wife is unable or unwilling to express why she does what she does (and as we have already establshed, its not the masturbation its self that is the problem but the laying next to you and then denying it which is the strange and confussing bit), it must be very difficult to understand or know how to handle it. As it has been keeping you awake, have you considered any sleeping remedies (herbal or other) or even sleeping in another room, this would probably make for an awkard atmosphere but many other couples move to another bed if their partner snores, for exmaple. I know this is an off the wall idea but everyone else seems to have suggested the obvious, its not a fix but if you have come to accept it as "it is what she does" then you may need to get back to basics and just get some sleep.

[Tod121]

Its somewhat different but I used to be certain my wife stayed up late whether I went to bed at a normal time or stayed up sooo late that I thought I would keel over just so she could get off on her own downstairs despite not showing interest in me (I have to wait 6-8 weeks to have sex once or twice). I'd wake up at 2am (even on a work day) to find her still not in bed, I'd have my own suspicions, creep downstairs and walk in and she'd say "what, trying to catch me out or something, you're not my father I can go to bed when I like...", very defensive! But I'd just wonder whether I was just judging her by my own standards.

[It Is Confusing]

Some people on here don't get it. He's not upset about the fact that she's doing it. He's upset about the fact that she's doing it NEXT TO HIM and LYING about it again and again and again. It's enough to make you seriously doubt your sanity. I could have written this exact post except that we are not very open about our sexual life and never talk about desires, never do it other than missionary or in shower (which she never gets that aroused by, but she just doesn't not like there). We've been married for 8 years and are pretty happy. But this is driving me insane. It's a lot of nights. Middle of the night. I wake up to the slightest jiggle of the bed and if I move it stops. I confronted her about it several times and she swore she wasn't doing it. She swore up and down and cried at the insinuation. Then I'd feel terrible and think I'm maybe going nuts and then it would happen again that night and again the next morning... so on so on. I was wondering who was nuts so I found this thread and now I know. It's the SAME EXACT THING. Ryan135 she is DEFINITELY doing it and you should stop doubting it. The crazy thing is that it's also arousing to me. Sure wish she'd roll over and ask me to join. That's what hurts. I just wish she'd be open with me and tell me about it. I've been open with her about my doing it. Makes me feel like she doesn't trust me and also that she doesn't want me sexually. But from this thread I've learned that's probably not the case. I just think it's an addiction and they're SOOOO ashamed of it that they'll do anything to show it's untrue. But I know she loves me very much and that she even enjoys sex sometimes. That's why this is so confusing. I just wish she'd talk to me about it. I don't have any less good opinion of her because of it, only due to her lying about it. It really hurts a lot. And I don't tend to feel hurt about many things. Ryan, I think you shouldn't sweep it under the rug. I'm going to deal with it and get her to admit it so we can have a grown up discussion about it, and I think you should too. The problem is that when your wife lies about it you want to believe her and sort of doubt yourself. I think you should just approach it that you're not going to let her convince you otherwise (what the else would be shaking our beds, man? It's crazy to even doubt it. AND, NO- they're not doing it in their sleep! Not when at the slightest sound they all roll over or quick move their hand. I've really quickly reached down there and felt her hand there and she just says it's on her thigh). Just get it out of her by not being angry or confrontational, but by really peacefully telling her you're not leaving the conversation until it's discussed truthfully because you can't sleep and you need to. And do it with love. I know none of them want to hurt us. It's just an addiction/long-time habit.

[sheriac5]

All i can add, is that i am a happily married woman of 17 yrs, have a very enjoyable and active sex life. I masturbate when i feel the need to, plain and simple, no reasons ,no problems, just pure active fun. If i do this in the evening before bed, its because i want to relax and have a great night of sleep, sometimes i do it in the bath or shower whatever time of the day to just have simple relief. I dont replace sex for masturbation of vise versa, its just a "whenever" type of activity, alone or in bed with my husband awake or asleep, it makes no difference to me or us.He enjoys watching me if he's awake and he enjoys the fact that i can pleasure myself and be happy.

[DSemcho]

Ha, I do this next to my husband when he's sleeping. Especially if he won't diddle me (my words for sex are diddle and canoodle) for long periods of time. And I'm talking like 2 weeks - a month he'll turn me down. I have a very high libido and I enjoy my orgasms. Sometimes even after we've had sex I do it, because I love the gspot orgasm because it makes me energetic and get really into sex, but the clitoral orgasm makes me sleepy. Honestly, I think what you should do is when you catch her doing it turn over and start doing it for her and show her that it turns you on and you want to "make something of it". I know I'd love it if my husband did that.

[Macdawgg]

Some people on here don't get it. He's not upset about the fact that she's doing it. He's upset about the fact that she's doing it NEXT TO HIM and LYING about it again and again and again. It's enough to make you seriously doubt your sanity. I could have written this exact post except that we are not very open about our sexual life and never talk about desires, never do it other than missionary or in shower (which she never gets that aroused by, but she just doesn't not like there). We've been married for 8 years and are pretty happy. But this is driving me insane. It's a lot of nights. Middle of the night. I wake up to the slightest jiggle of the bed and if I move it stops. I confronted her about it several times and she swore she wasn't doing it. She swore up and down and cried at the insinuation. Then I'd feel terrible and think I'm maybe going nuts and then it would happen again that night and again the next morning... so on so on. I was wondering who was nuts so I found this thread and now I know. It's the SAME EXACT THING. Ryan135 she is DEFINITELY doing it and you should stop doubting it. The crazy thing is that it's also arousing to me. Sure wish she'd roll over and ask me to join. That's what hurts. I just wish she'd be open with me and tell me about it. I've been open with her about my doing it. Makes me feel like she doesn't trust me and also that she doesn't want me sexually. But from this thread I've learned that's probably not the case. I just think it's an addiction and they're SOOOO ashamed of it that they'll do anything to show it's untrue. But I know she loves me very much and that she even enjoys sex sometimes. That's why this is so confusing. I just wish she'd talk to me about it. I don't have any less good opinion of her because of it, only due to her lying about it. It really hurts a lot. And I don't tend to feel hurt about many things. Ryan, I think you shouldn't sweep it under the rug. I'm going to deal with it and get her to admit it so we can have a grown up discussion about it, and I think you should too. The problem is that when your wife lies about it you want to believe her and sort of doubt yourself. I think you should just approach it that you're not going to let her convince you otherwise (what the else would be shaking our beds, man? It's crazy to even doubt it. AND, NO- they're not doing it in their sleep! Not when at the slightest sound they all roll over or quick move their hand. I've really quickly reached down there and felt her hand there and she just says it's on her thigh). Just get it out of her by not being angry or confrontational, but by really peacefully telling her you're not leaving the conversation until it's discussed truthfully because you can't sleep and you need to. And do it with love. I know none of them want to hurt us. It's just an addiction/long-time habit.

B-I-N-G-O!
The fact that she's lying is THE point!! I dated a woman once who was doing this and when I confronted her she tried running that cheese game on me which I didn't buy. Here's what I've been told and granted "every-woman' is different. Some women just don't get off on a penis-Yep alot of guys find this hard to believe, I'm hung like a horse and had a hard time with it as well but we talked about it in detail and she had been married twice before and acknowledged that she had faked orgasms with her husbands and when they were sleep she would go in the bathroom or another bedroom and satisfy herself. We'll I really liked her and she was honest and told me that my size was more painful than pleasure so we compromised. I bought a rabbit and learned to use it on her like a surgeon and she had multiple orgasms something she NEVER did before. women NEED to be honest with thier mates, Lies only kill the relationship. I'd confront her if she was my wife and assure her that we NEED to communicate!!! Don't make her feel that she can't be perfectly honest with you-If you aren't hitting her switch then improvise. But lying is only going to destroy your marriages.!

[Darling]

It could be her way of relaxing and getting to sleep?

[Macdawgg]

It could be her way of relaxing and getting to sleep?

NADA!-If she wanted to relax and get to sleep why do it when he's "RIGHT" next to her! The lady has issues if she has to lie to him or he just isn't giving her what she needs!

[Crystalblue]

I used to do this with my husband years back. I was really uncomfortable with the idea of masturbating openly with him. He caught me occasionally and for awhile, I did lie about it. It was embarrassing to me, and I didn't know if he would take it the wrong way. I didn't want it to be a blow to his ego or hurt his feelings, so I kept it from him and waited for him to fall asleep. It was more of an issue with what I was comfortable with. He only asked me about it a few times.

Gradually I got over it. He got me a toy to use and every once in awhile instead of having sex, we would both just please ourselves. It made me more comfortable with the idea of not needing to hide it from him.

I hope a female point of view helps. If you know she's doing it, and she lies about it, she obviously isn't going to want to talk about it. Think up ways to make her understand it's not something she has to hide. If she's only pleasing herself, and refusing sex, that's a whole different problem.