[atskitty2]

I agree with Strega. Sometimes it's not sex, or intimacy we want, it's just the orgasm, or the release, that we want.

And I agree that as long as there's no issue of avoiding intimacy with your partner, or neglecting their own needs, there's no harm in that. Our sexuality is unique to us, and we may need different things at different times.

[Strega]

That feels really nice and is very satisfying... But do I want a man involved? No. It's my private girly time! So perhaps your wife is the same? Anyway, hope you get things sorted out soon.

Pippa.

I think part of it too is that sometimes you’re horny but you don’t feel like rolling out the red carpet and going through all the physical work of actually having sex just to get off. Sometimes its easier to take matters into your hand, rub one out and go to sleep. No fuss, no cuddling and no mess. Wham-bam-thank-myself-ma’am.

As long as it’s not REPLACING sex with a significant other, there’s no harm done. If someone is turning down sex all the time in favor of masturbation, there’s probably something else going on that should be addressed.

[Pippa52Feet]

It's great that you and your husband have an understanding.

Yeah, thanks. For me honesty has to be the main focus of any relationship. You won't always achieve it (as no-one is always 100% honest), but you should strive for it, as it's the foundation upon which everything else is built.

Next, is respect, and in any good relationship between two people, that means MUTUAL, not one person lording it over the other. When you have that, then you have a genuinely meaningful relationship - and probably one that will stand the test of time!

Lies and deceit are the twin cancers in any relationship, and also where there exists a lack of mutual respect. Above all though, you need to have FUN with each other and not take life too seriously!

So many couples I see simply 'go through the motions' and never have any FUN - especially when kids come into the equation!

Life's too short to be eternally miserable.

Pippa.

[jns]

This ^^

I do this and call it my 'me time'. A lot of women like to pleasure themselves in private, for all sorts of different reasons. Yes it frustrates my husband too, and if he catches me in the act, as it were, I just ask him to turn round and go back to sleep, and then I finish myself off.

Although it frustrates him, as he'd like to watch or help me out, which I don't want, he respects my private time, and we have a very active sex life, so he's not missing out there!

The other thing to consider, which may apply to your wife, as it certainly does with me, do you notice her playing with herself more when she's on her period? Lots of women get really horny then, but like me don't want sex, so they need to relieve themselves. I'm quite a private person during my period, so he knows to leave me alone when I'm on.

So it could be that. When I'm in bed at night and on my period, he knows my knickers are a 'no go' area, but that doesn't mean I can't have a play myself, especially when it helps with cramps. So when he's asleep I use the large night time pad I'm wearing to make myself cum, by rubbing it against my clit, through the outside of my knickers, faster and faster until I cum.

That feels really nice and is very satisfying... But do I want a man involved? No. It's my private girly time! So perhaps your wife is the same? Anyway, hope you get things sorted out soon.

Pippa.

It's great that you and your husband have an understanding.

[Pippa52Feet]

Sometimes women like to have private sessions themselves just as a way of being connected to themselves and just private time...
- it may help he sleep....

This ^^

I do this and call it my 'me time'. A lot of women like to pleasure themselves in private, for all sorts of different reasons. Yes it frustrates my husband too, and if he catches me in the act, as it were, I just ask him to turn round and go back to sleep, and then I finish myself off.

Although it frustrates him, as he'd like to watch or help me out, which I don't want, he respects my private time, and we have a very active sex life, so he's not missing out there!

The other thing to consider, which may apply to your wife, as it certainly does with me, do you notice her playing with herself more when she's on her period? Lots of women get really horny then, but like me don't want sex, so they need to relieve themselves. I'm quite a private person during my period, so he knows to leave me alone when I'm on.

So it could be that. When I'm in bed at night and on my period, he knows my knickers are a 'no go' area, but that doesn't mean I can't have a play myself, especially when it helps with cramps. So when he's asleep I use the large night time pad I'm wearing to make myself cum, by rubbing it against my clit, through the outside of my knickers, faster and faster until I cum.

That feels really nice and is very satisfying... But do I want a man involved? No. It's my private girly time! So perhaps your wife is the same? Anyway, hope you get things sorted out soon.

Pippa.

[James1986]

Depending on how this is addressed, it can ether be a good or bad thing. I know that my partner did this more so in the beginning. We had/have a great sex life. But like anyone, she had her routine of needing to feel pleasure and release long before we were together. She lost her virginity to me when she was 22 so not any experience having sex other than masturbation. She just masturbated as a single woman in college and such. So it didn't bother me at all knowing that intercourse was still new and her need to masturbate might be uncomfortable to her in my presence.

I would be half asleep and feel the bed shake a little and I would sort of smile knowing she was getting off and her thinking I was asleep. Many times at the point where I started hearing wet sounds of her fingering, I would then get super turned on and not be able to take it any longer. I would then turn over, put my hand on her and that was the hot point, she would invite me inside her within a minute or less because she was so turned on by that point. So long story short, it actually resulted in amazing and intense sexual intercourse on many of those occasions.

It got to the point after a while where she became comfortable enough to masturbate when she knew I was awake and made it a point to get it sounding wet. It was her little way of knowing she could seduce me to a point of no return of having intercourse.

You can turn this into a positive thing. Just have fun with it and make it a sexual adventure. Sometimes sex is best when its something new or undiscovered between a couple.

[JSD]

This is not Sexomnia...This is more a kin to sucking your thumb. She has probably been doing it ALL HER LIFE. This is a more deep rooted habit and has nothing to do with your ability to please her. I have some experience with this myself as my wife has been doing this for over 25 years!
I take it a step further and sneakily work my hand in there and "help" her! I have been caught many times but 70% of the time I get my hand in there and learn about her body. Her subconscious mind is WAY more sexual than her awake mind. She has no idea she stimulates her anus and vaginal area in the middle of the night. Where it gets frustrating for us guys is we wake up with morning wood ready and she has been pleasuring herself for literally hours and feels satisfied.
Bottom line is this leads to 1-per week sex - which SUCKS!

So my advice is either get in there and play around, or STOP her while shes in the act and tell her it is keeping you awake.

JSD

[fastaruk]

Similar situation -- I tried talking to her. Both during and after. I've tried joining her. I've tried telling her she turns me on. It doesn't matter. She gets angry, says she wasn't masturbating and does a really good imitation of herself waking up. She listens at the bathroom door and peeks under it too while I'm in the shower (I'm not paranoid, trust me) and when I come out, gives a very convincing portrayal of someone I just woke up. No -- she's not interested. She says I'm hot. Then she turns me down at bedtime, keeps asking me if I'm going to go to sleep, etc. But I wake up and she's masturbating. Last night for six hours straight with a vibrator. She has an orgasm probably every couple of minutes during that entire time without ever taking a single break except to add some lubricant. When I confronted her she made it look like I didn't trust her and made such a big deal about it, it was like she just caught me cheating.

[Aiyana25]

Tough one Ryan.
I thought everybody masturbated though right? I know me and my husband both do at different times- but I guess the real thing is you feel shjes choosing this over you. Maybe you could try some of the great suggestions of whise shes doing it approach her.....she can surely not deny it if you are looking at her mid way!!!!!
I think maybe she either just wants some down time...or maybe she feels a bit pressured to have sex so it puts her off then when she thinks your asleep and that stress of feeling pressured is gone she lets herself get aroused and does the business??
You mentioned you are the more highly sexed...and you mentioned that you have talked about it and she has improved things and then they go back to dry spells again. so maybe its her way of coping??
Either way I hope you 2 resolve it - sounds like you have a great marraige besides this so I wish you all the sex and happiness in the world!

[Crystalblue]

I used to do this with my husband years back. I was really uncomfortable with the idea of masturbating openly with him. He caught me occasionally and for awhile, I did lie about it. It was embarrassing to me, and I didn't know if he would take it the wrong way. I didn't want it to be a blow to his ego or hurt his feelings, so I kept it from him and waited for him to fall asleep. It was more of an issue with what I was comfortable with. He only asked me about it a few times.

Gradually I got over it. He got me a toy to use and every once in awhile instead of having sex, we would both just please ourselves. It made me more comfortable with the idea of not needing to hide it from him.

I hope a female point of view helps. If you know she's doing it, and she lies about it, she obviously isn't going to want to talk about it. Think up ways to make her understand it's not something she has to hide. If she's only pleasing herself, and refusing sex, that's a whole different problem.