[TroubledMan]

Weighing in as many here who know me know that I'm in a very similar situation.

First and foremost, I'd suggest ruling out physical issues. Take seriously the side effects of any perscription drug especially anti-depressants (SSRI's are big on lowering libido), birth control or age related hormonal irregularities.

Don't discount the effect of self image. My wife is still very beautiful in my eyes and I'm so very attracted to her and will always be. But the truth is over the last few years she hasn't been able to lose weight that she put on no matter how hard she tries. That's so frustrating to her and it matters not how we continue to see her.

You're right, you can talk til your blue in the face it won't matter. But understand that as with virtually all things they won't last forever. I firmly believe this. The best we can do is help, not direct.

Personally, I'd never consider an ultimatum along the lines "screw me or else". You just might get back "ok, screw you, goodbye". But that's just my opinion. There are posters here where an ultimatum has benefited. Only you can decide that.

Finally, read the blog posted by LanaBear. It's very well written and insightful. I know it was to me.

The blog entry by LanaBear really hit home...It describes exactly the issues we have been running into for the last few years. I have played with the idea of bringing erotica into the scene, but wasn't sure how she would react. I guess it's worth a shot. I'm almost tearing up because this is the first viable option I've seen in a very long time. I just want us to connect again and be happy.

[pretzel]

I just want us to connect again and be happy.

I think it will for you. You two are young and have your lives ahead of you. Eight years in and you two are still in you mid twenties have a long road ahead, some up's, some down's.

This is a down, help her ride it out and enjoy the resulting up.

[TroubledMan]

I think it will for you. You two are young and have your lives ahead of you. Eight years in and you two are still in you mid twenties have a long road ahead, some up's, some down's.

This is a down, help her ride it out and enjoy the resulting up.

Well i really hope it works out for me. I will try anything.

[Rediscovered]

I've been thinking about this whole "why do women shut their husbands out" thing (or vice-versa) and started remembering why I began to put up a wall around myself after a few years of marriage.

For me, it was because we stopped being "intimate"--meaning deep kissing for no reason, lots of long holds and hugs "just because" and touching each other constantly. I've always cherished these things and they are my real foreplay.

For some reason, it got to the point where the only time I would be touched was as an initiative to sex--*any* touch meant he wanted sex--otherwise, there was no touching, ever (oh, maybe a hand hold while walking through the park). If he was tired and we went to bed, he just went to sleep--no hugging nor cuddling.

Unconditional touching is so important to do in between lovemaking!

And I remember trying to explain that to him so many times, but he never really understood nor took it to heart. So we divorced after 20 years. Mainly because we grew apart and went in different directions.

The man I am with now touches me constantly for no reason other than to touch me. And I reciprocate and initiate. I love that. And the touches mostly feel like "giving" touches, not "taking" (hungry) touches. Probably because neither one of us is hungry because we satiate each other.

Just wish I could have learned that lesson while I was young~~

[LanaBear]

Well i really hope it works out for me. I will try anything.

Wish you the best of luck! You are young and can hopefully work this out (my hubby and I were both 16/17 when we started dating). There is hope, it won't be easy, but hopefully worth it should the two of you work it out.

[TroubledMan]

I've been thinking about this whole "why do women shut their husbands out" thing (or vice-versa) and started remembering why I began to put up a wall around myself after a few years of marriage.

For me, it was because we stopped being "intimate"--meaning deep kissing for no reason, lots of long holds and hugs "just because" and touching each other constantly. I've always cherished these things and they are my real foreplay.

For some reason, it got to the point where the only time I would be touched was as an initiative to sex--*any* touch meant he wanted sex--otherwise, there was no touching, ever (oh, maybe a hand hold while walking through the park). If he was tired and we went to bed, he just went to sleep--no hugging nor cuddling.

Unconditional touching is so important to do in between lovemaking!

And I remember trying to explain that to him so many times, but he never really understood nor took it to heart. So we divorced after 20 years. Mainly because we grew apart and went in different directions.

The man I am with now touches me constantly for no reason other than to touch me. And I reciprocate and initiate. I love that. And the touches mostly feel like "giving" touches, not "taking" (hungry) touches. Probably because neither one of us is hungry because we satiate each other.

Just wish I could have learned that lesson while I was young~~

This is exactly the way my wife feels. That if I start touching her...that I just want to get off. So when I do touch her, she completely shuts down and it just makes me not want to touch her at all. I will hold her hand from time to time, I could probably do that more often....But she could also touch me, which, no exaggeration, she never does. Everything sensual or sexual is always left up to me. If I don't do anything, she won't initiate. I'm tired of trying to guess what she wants and when, and asking her outright kind of defeats the purpose. I wish I could read her better..used to be able to.

[LanaBear]

That's what you need to hammer home about.

Tell her, just because you want a kiss or a hug doesn't mean you want to jump in bed. It will take some time for her to get it through her head, but be consistent with it. She'll be confused and probably wonder what you have up your sleeve, prove her wrong, prove to her you have more depth than that.

[stressed]

After trying this approach for over 6 months, here's what happened to me:

He got used to the idea that not everything has to be about sex, that we can cuddle in bed without it having to lead to something more, that I can kiss him and touch him all over without wanting sex (even when I do), so now he's comfortable about cuddling, kissing etc. but his attitude towards sex has not changed. He's just more comfortable about being intimate and he's not as stressed about having to perform, but sex is still at once per week (and even that doesn't always happen naturally, but it's mostly something that "has to be done").

[whit4488]

i know this might be a hard thought to swallow, but have you thought that maybe she isnt interested in you because she is seeing someone else. intentionally pushing you away, if she wanted to have a healthy marriage, she would listen to your concerns and want to fix them. however; in my opinion it doesnt look that way. she could be interested in another man, she sounds very insecure and quite immature to bring up "attractive women" that pass by, why would she want to discuss that? i love sex, my boyfriend now however, doesnt like it as often as i do, i would have it MULTIPLE times a day if i had it my way, like you stated before, it helps relieve stress and makes you happier, thats me. instead of eating my emotions i work it out in the bedroom. perhaps your wife has given up as well. i hope thats not the case, but its been 5 years, and i dont believe you should have to live your life unsatisfied. sometimes love just isnt enough...good luck

[TroubledMan]

i know this might be a hard thought to swallow, but have you thought that maybe she isnt interested in you because she is seeing someone else. intentionally pushing you away, if she wanted to have a healthy marriage, she would listen to your concerns and want to fix them. however; in my opinion it doesnt look that way. she could be interested in another man, she sounds very insecure and quite immature to bring up "attractive women" that pass by, why would she want to discuss that? i love sex, my boyfriend now however, doesnt like it as often as i do, i would have it MULTIPLE times a day if i had it my way, like you stated before, it helps relieve stress and makes you happier, thats me. instead of eating my emotions i work it out in the bedroom. perhaps your wife has given up as well. i hope thats not the case, but its been 5 years, and i dont believe you should have to live your life unsatisfied. sometimes love just isnt enough...good luck

I have brought it up, about another man... I've even told her I would be ok with that because I would finally have an answer as to why the fire is gone. She is adamant that there is no one else, and I believe her. Her schedule is rock solid consistent with work, and there haven't been any other indicators that she's seeing someone else.
She, however, has been accusing me of cheating for many years with no evidence because there wasn't any...until recently. I began texting a co-worker some risque things, which she reciprocated, but that ended almost 2 years ago, and never went further than the cellphone. I suppose I was seeking the attention my wife wasn't giving me and I felt like I had run out of options. This other woman I'm sure responded out of pity.