[ItsASecret]

I just get the feeling that if I start trying all these things, she will only be suspicious of my motives. I think I've created this mindset that anything nice I do for her is just a request for sex.

She will think something is up for the first while, especially if she has had the previous mindset that touch = sex. Keep pushing through it though. It could take awhile but eventually she may realize that doing the small stuff for so long actually doesn't mean sex and that it is not some act to get her in bed. You need to convince her that you have nothing but the truest intention to be intimate with her without needing sex to result.

[TroubledMan]

Is it fair to expect me to change myself though? I think she should have to make some efforts to be more responsive and open with me too.

[Hopeless Dork]

Is it fair to expect me to change myself though? I think she should have to make some efforts to be more responsive and open with me too.

It is fair... but if you truly want this relationship to move forward in a positive direction... someone has to make the first step. It sounds like she is happy with how things are (the infrequent sex) and its you that wants a change to happen in the relationship... so then it makes sense that you be the one that starts the process.

You can't give and give and she give nothing back... but if you don't start, she has no reason to as she's fine with the status quo.

So you can sit around waiting for her to make the changes she doesn't even fathom need changing or you can work on opening her eyes to how much better things can be.

In the end you want a better relationship, or do you? Does it matter more who is right or who is wrong? -- makes no difference in the long run.

[Rediscovered]

Is it fair to expect me to change myself though? .

It depends on how much you want to have passion with your wife back in your life...

Unconditional means you don't expect anything back from your mate. You have to change your mindset first if you ever want hers to change.

You might be surprised how much you get back when you give without expecting anything in return.

[Rediscovered]

HD and I were posting at the same time, but what she said! lol~

You do need to figure out if you really want this, though. If you are so bitter toward your wife that you feel it's not worth *your* effort, then perhaps it's time to move on.

[Hopeless Dork]

From your other post :

About 10 months ago, my wife saw a few sexual texts in my phone between me and a female co-worker. She confronted me about them, and I tried a lot of the same excuses your husbands/bf's have used.

We had an argument about this issue last night. Recently my wife had found an old semi nude picture of that co-worker in my computers cache. It was sent to me by my request maybe 4-5 months ago when things were exceptionally bad, and I had buried my feelings again. I had promised my wife that everything had stopped, and the texting had. This was the only picture she ever sent me, but nothing I can say will make my wife believe me.

Ack...... it hurts some womens feelings and makes them feel inadequate finding porn in general... naked pictures of someone you know?? That... is bad. And you will be in an uphill battle to regain her trust. Same with her seeing the texts.

If she has gotten the feeling that you are seeking stuff out with other people that isn't going to make her want to jump your bones to prevent it from happening... instead it may be the catalyst to making her freeze off entirely, thinking that she's already lost you in that department. I can't imagine her resentment.

You mention shouldn't she have to do some of the work... and at first I was thinking yes, yes she should... but after reading that post I think it should not trouble you as much as it to take the extra effort to make her feel beautiful and make her feel good about you. You have some making up to do.

[TroubledMan]

I guess my constant attention and devotion for 6 years, while getting almost nothing in return counts for nothing then, eh? I am bitter.. I am frustrated.. If my previous efforts have done nothing, then what is the point? My recent transgressions have obviously not helped my case, and I know I have a long way to go to earn her trust again. I honestly feel like a teddy bear to her...something to have around that gives comfort whenever she needs it, but then put away in the closet.

[Fallen1]

I guess my constant attention and devotion for 6 years, while getting almost nothing in return counts for nothing then, eh? I am bitter.. I am frustrated.. If my previous efforts have done nothing, then what is the point? My recent transgressions have obviously not helped my case, and I know I have a long way to go to earn her trust again. I honestly feel like a teddy bear to her...something to have around that gives comfort whenever she needs it, but then put away in the closet.

You're speaking of 6 years but yet the texts and emails were within this last year. Whatever problem(s) there was before was just compounded by this.

All we can do here is give you opinions based on what we've experienced but in the end it's you are the one that is going to have to decide when enough is enough for you. You are the one that is going to have to decide if you stay in this situation and continue to try or move one.

[TroubledMan]

You're speaking of 6 years but yet the texts and emails were within this last year. Whatever problem(s) there was before was just compounded by this.

All we can do here is give you opinions based on what we've experienced but in the end it's you are the one that is going to have to decide when enough is enough for you. You are the one that is going to have to decide if you stay in this situation and continue to try or move one.

I wish I could turn off my desire. I want to be happy and grateful for what I have...The problem must be me :/

[Fallen1]

I wish I could turn off my desire. I want to be happy and grateful for what I have...The problem must be me :/

No. I wouldn't necessarily say that. Based on what you've told us the only real problems I see that YOU have is 1) you've gotten to the point where you are bitter and have lost your patience with the situation and 2) you made the mistake with the texts and emails - which you admitted.

I know it's hard to want and not get that want to "filled". Believe me I understand.