[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have been with my wife for almost 8 years now, since we were 17 and 18 at college. The sex was fantastic and frequent back then. When we were 20, I got her pregnant, and after several weeks of long discussions, and tearful exchanges, we decided to not keep it.

A point that I do not think has been questioned, raised.. Sex was great for two years, you were growing together, learning and at that point trust was there, built. There were no complaints, no backing off...

You didn't get her pregnant, it takes two, and this is where the problem may actually lie, even after all of these years. You state "you got her pregnant".. You therefore, have stated that to her... Lana said, "Our minds are very powerful" and they are. You both cried for the loss of that child, that would have been. That bond, of the two of you, when you were madly in love with each other, barely out of being teenagers...

Your reasons, were shared, tears flowed. But, for a woman, a baby is inside her, she terminates it, that, for alot of woman, is painful mentally, to much to take, carry on her shoulders.

Did she share that with anyone? Did she talk to her parents? Did she confide with friends? Did she get councelling? Or, did she go it alone.. with you... and therefore, sub-consciously, feels it was more your decision, or "you got her pregnant" and has sub-consciously held this, within, for all this time...

This would eat at her, turn her off sex, you, yet still love you as you basically was her first love. Are, her first real love.

Am I to believe that no children have occured since then either? You morn a loss, and some people carry that forever, or until, a child is born and even then, some women still carry that pain, for the first one, in their mind, they lost when sub-consciously maybe she didn't want to go down that path, just felt it was right at the time, no income, ability to bring that child into the world.

6 years is not long, in that scenario as she is growing into a woman, in her 20's...

It's a real pain and if this is the reason, and you can talk about this with her, with compassion and understanding and establish this, then she needs help.

It is always my job to do the hugging and kissing, and it just makes me feel unwanted.

I get that, I truly do... But, your answer may be above.

I bring up the topic every so often, and it just turns into an argument with me trying to explain my needs and desires, and her dismissing them, and accusing me of only wanting the relationship for sex.

She may have thought "sex" lead to what she had to do... Back then it was a ton of sex... She may feel guilty for what happened, she may feel you swept it under the rug, as it wasn't a baby, she maybe resenting you and has since that day.

I think you need to let her know how much it pained you. You seem to have emotions.

I think you need to discuss future, and children, if you haven't had any since that time and not sex.

And, I think if this is the route of the problem, which women will keep to themselves, or they lock it in the back and don't realise that this is the reason, then you need to be there for her and get her some help in understanding that at that time, it was the right decision and at that time, you were in the same pain and you still are, over it.

CW

[Texasred]

I began texting a co-worker some risque things, which she reciprocated, but that ended almost 2 years ago, and never went further than the cellphone. I suppose I was seeking the attention my wife wasn't giving me...

If you want your wife's attention, texting another woman on your cellphone is sure the way to get it, because she WILL find out!

Maybe a better option for someone as young as you would be to tell your wife that you think the two of you need to take a "break," which sounds so much better than to call it a "separation." I don't recommend taking marriage lightly - I've been married over 30 years (total...) myself - but sometimes you just find it's not working, nothing's going to change, it's not GOING to work, so why keep bang your head (or whatever body part...) against a wall? In the best case, your wife will wake up and see she's got to change, while in the worst case, you'll be free to find someone whose attitude toward sex is normal, which would be a massive improvement for you at least.
Best of luck,
- TR

[TroubledMan]

A point that I do not think has been questioned, raised.. Sex was great for two years, you were growing together, learning and at that point trust was there, built. There were no complaints, no backing off...

You didn't get her pregnant, it takes two, and this is where the problem may actually lie, even after all of these years. You state "you got her pregnant".. You therefore, have stated that to her... Lana said, "Our minds are very powerful" and they are. You both cried for the loss of that child, that would have been. That bond, of the two of you, when you were madly in love with each other, barely out of being teenagers...

Your reasons, were shared, tears flowed. But, for a woman, a baby is inside her, she terminates it, that, for alot of woman, is painful mentally, to much to take, carry on her shoulders.

Did she share that with anyone? Did she talk to her parents? Did she confide with friends? Did she get councelling? Or, did she go it alone.. with you... and therefore, sub-consciously, feels it was more your decision, or "you got her pregnant" and has sub-consciously held this, within, for all this time...

This would eat at her, turn her off sex, you, yet still love you as you basically was her first love. Are, her first real love.

Am I to believe that no children have occured since then either? You morn a loss, and some people carry that forever, or until, a child is born and even then, some women still carry that pain, for the first one, in their mind, they lost when sub-consciously maybe she didn't want to go down that path, just felt it was right at the time, no income, ability to bring that child into the world.

6 years is not long, in that scenario as she is growing into a woman, in her 20's...

It's a real pain and if this is the reason, and you can talk about this with her, with compassion and understanding and establish this, then she needs help.




I get that, I truly do... But, your answer may be above.



She may have thought "sex" lead to what she had to do... Back then it was a ton of sex... She may feel guilty for what happened, she may feel you swept it under the rug, as it wasn't a baby, she maybe resenting you and has since that day.

I think you need to let her know how much it pained you. You seem to have emotions.

I think you need to discuss future, and children, if you haven't had any since that time and not sex.

And, I think if this is the route of the problem, which women will keep to themselves, or they lock it in the back and don't realise that this is the reason, then you need to be there for her and get her some help in understanding that at that time, it was the right decision and at that time, you were in the same pain and you still are, over it.

CW

Did she share that with anyone? Did she talk to her parents? Did she confide with friends? Did she get councelling? Or, did she go it alone.. with you... and therefore, sub-consciously, feels it was more your decision, or "you got her pregnant" and has sub-consciously held this, within, for all this time...

To my knowledge, she has never talked to anyone about it. I know it is a very sore subject for her. I think when I've brought it up in the past, I went about it the wrong way. It would be in the heat of an argument about sex, and I would ask if that was the reason, and she would say maybe or, it might be I don't know, etc. I can see how that would only make her feel worse about it, compounding the guilt with my frustrations, feeling like its all her fault. wow i'm an (edit)
Her mom found out because the clinic sent a follow-up report to her parents house instead of our address. We were at my moms old house hanging out with my best friend when her mom called her. I don't know what was said, but I remember how upset my wife was vividly. She ran in barely breathing, sobbing, and said we had to go meet her mom somewhere to talk about the abortion. Her mom chastised us for well over 2 hours about us "taking her grandchild away from her", and not even trying, and how stupid we were. It was really the wrong thing to do on her part, and it has never been addressed since then. I wanted to tell her then that this was exactly the reason that we didn't feel comfortable talking to any family members about it. I clammed up though, and cried with my wife.

[WildChild]

Her mom chastised us for well over 2 hours about us "taking her grandchild away from her", and not even trying, and how stupid we were. It was really the wrong thing to do on her part, and it has never been addressed since then. I wanted to tell her then that this was exactly the reason that we didn't feel comfortable talking to any family members about it. I clammed up though, and cried with my wife.

I wasn't going to reply on any of this any more, but this is one of the most heartless things I've heard. It must have been devistating for both of you but especially for your wife as her mother did it. If you have insurance and can get some counseling, do so. CW is right this could well be the root of the problem. Counselors are people and they have their own hang ups, many get into the field looking for their own answers. You may have to interview several before you find one you can really work with.

The vast majority of women who have abortions do so with little trauma but there is a vocal minority that works their fannies off at creating it in order to promote their adjenda, you have to watch out not to end up in counseling with one of those. Sex should be a healing, joining, joyful experience but this well of pain and guilt is probably drowning your wife's pleasure.

[Little]

There was another poster who used to be a regular who had a similar problem with his (now ex) girlfriend. I don't think he was the father to the aborted pregnancy, but his girlfriend carried a lot of baggage from it - basically she was terrified of the consequences of sex, mentally cut off from orgasm, etc.
How heartless of your mother-in-law to be so cruel to your wife. I am increasingly resistant to the idea of "giving grandchilden" to your parents. It's your life, your decision, your potential child, and you'll have one (or not!) if/when you're ready. This isn't a few centuries ago, when families had all kinds of property to pass on and family businesses to run. Regardless of the desire to pass on a legacy, pressuring you into having a child when you weren't ready is horrible.
I agree that counseling may be necessary. If your wife's mother acts that way towards her in such a delicate and emotional situation, I imagine that she has other parental issues, maybe that are contributing to her view of your marriage as a whole. Issues with your same-gender parent can quickly turn into issues with yourself, and if she has issues with her father, it can color how she interacts with you. As those parental relationships grow, change, or become tainted, it can color the interaction between the two of you.
I hope you can turn this thing around. You've pinpointed a few different reasons, on both sides, why your marriage isn't quite where you want it to be. I think that's a great sign.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your not a ... (edited) at all..

The whole reason why you came here was to find possible answers.

If she has never talked about it, I can not imagine how she felt and still feels, on what her Mother did to her/you both, then I truly think this is bigger than you think, she is holding this all inside.

This would have been tramatic on it's own let alone how her Mother has made her/you both feel. It would have almost divided you both.

I'm so sorry for you both over all of this. But, when I read what you wrote and replied on this note, I felt it from your side to. That, you also hurt from that.

So maybe you "both" have to get councelling and perhaps once you can ease this more, plan your future and use your love and new found bond, again...

CW

[TroubledMan]

I am currently seeing someone for my own issues with my childhood, and through my work place my wife can also see someone for 3 sessions free. I've talked to her about it briefly, and she was reluctant at first. I think with a little more convincing, it could really help her. I never thought about interviewing possible psychologists though, good tip.
I want to thank you all so much for your understanding and help with this, I'll post updates from time to time.