[Hopeless Dork]

I don't think asexuality is hard-wired. I think if you read through the forums here you will see, especially with women, they can go through phases of being "asexual" as in having zero drive or interest in any sort of physical intimacy with a partner or even with themself.

A lot of times its a way of "giving up", or settling into a relationship where their needs are ignored or their partner not being the one they want to fill them... and they just will those feelings away. A common thread I see among women is the less sex they are having, the less they want over time... eventually they just sort of stop having those urges.

You are very right in that it is hard to find someone to be compatible with in every arena of life, so for most people its matter of finding someone that meets the most of their needs, be those companionship, sexual compatibility, or emotional or financial stability. The lucky among us can get the bulk of our needs met with the same person, and find a way to work around the things that arent as we would have dreamed them to be.

For example a woman might find a man she's incredibly sexually compatible with and physically attracted to, they may get along great, laugh and talk like best friends... but he's broke For a woman that money isn't all that important... thats a total win, for a woman that money is moderatly important that is a compromise and for a woman that money was all that matters... that would be a horrible choice. She would be unhappy, and she would make him miserable feeling like he couldnt make her happy no matter what efforts he took in other ways.

Same for a man that sexual intimacy is not relevent to, if he were to settle down with a woman that was not sexually inclined.. they would be well sutied and could find happiness outside of the bedroom. If he were to become involved with a woman to which sexual intimacy is crucial to her happiness... she would be miserable and make him miserable.

Again it all goes to compatability. But even with incompatible couples, sometimes some unique personality traits such as a suceed at all costs, even with sacrafice to your greater needs or overall happiness can make lemonade out of lemons when it comes to an ill-fit.

[Jayson]

Well that is the American right wing evangelical view and you are entitled to it. It is used as a justification to deny marriage rights to non heterosexuals and for the "pray the gay away" "therapy" and has caused untold damage to many. Things are changing rapidly in American though, and these kinds of beliefs, like those against "race mixing" and the Jim Crow laws will soon be relegated to the garbage heap of history.

[jns]

I am not what you describe. And neither is Hopeless Dork. But when people run out of arguments when someone has challenged them, they resort to ad hominem attacks. Such attacks are simply a way to get the others to shut up. A limitation on freedom of speech if you will.

[Toffee]

You do realize women masturbate, too, right? MOST of the girls I know say they do it every day. Even if they have sex every day. Changing times, I guess. Anyway, masturbation is healthy, and who can turn you on better than you? Seriously. No, men are not monogamous by nature, but neither are women. You might think you are, but that's not the way either sex is programmed. If we were, we'd surely have died as a species a long time ago. Only modern society forced these changes on people.

To be quite honest about the cheating part, why is it a big deal that we fantasize when we masturbate? So do women. Would you rather have us rub one out thinking about the barista at Starbucks, or have us find a way to have sex with her? I would never get mad if a woman said she thought about Brad Pitt while she played with herself. Good for her. Doesn't bother me at all.

We do actually do all the work in bed, and I think a lot of women forget that. It's frustrating to hear comments about how vibrators never give up. They run on batteries. We have to fill vascular tissue with blood, we have to do hundreds of lunges, and we have to do it to the specifications that the woman has. If a man can't stay hard women say he has an issue. If a woman can't stay wet they say the man didn't keep her interested. Either way women blame men for everything in the bedroom.

If a woman cums first it's perfectly acceptable. If a man cums first it's called premature. You girls put a lot of pressure on us. Like with oral sex. You have no problem telling us how to do it, what speed, or if it isn't working. If we don't like how you're doing it most of you will say something like "Well maybe I shouldn't do it then." No matter what we have to accept all the responsibility in bed.

With our fantasies, some things some women don't like. I like anal sex with girls. Due to my size most girls won't do it with me. Am I really supposed to not think about doing it when I masturbate? Why? I like cumming on a girl's face. Some girls don't like that, and again, it's something I think about alone. I have all sorts of fantasies. Public sex, group sex, etc. It'd be nice to find a girl who's on exactly the same page as me: anything goes any time, but it isn't very realistic. So whilst masturbating it's perfectly feasible to do those things in my imagination. Guys are also very visual when it comes to sex. Women are very much into physical intimacy. So we need the visual aids.

And then there's the fact that we do all that work for a 30 second ejaculation while women have a true orgasm and feel that pleasure for hours sometimes. I think it's fair we get our carrot, too.

I do masturbate as a woman.... I think if your man is not around and you have the urge .... it is ok...I always tend to watch porn because it makes me come faster, plus I never stop before I reach 3-4 times orgasm.... and I still prefer sex to masturbation when even a one time orgasm is hardly guaranteed during sex with a man. I never say no to my MAN... That is my rule. I think masturbation is only a release and not a replacement for sex. I understand my partners needs.... and I do know how frustrating it is when you meet the wall when the urge comes. Cos I do experience this with my current partner. I do wanna have sex and he keeps turning me down. And I do know he masturbates cos I caught him on it. It is quite bad for my self-esteem... and I do work hard to get around around it... You could think that I may be overweight or any way unattractive... but I do not think so... nor men around me. Especially that I work out almost for 8 hours in the gym weekly. So I am quite toned so to speak... hehe
Anyhow... i think sex is an important part of life, and it is all fine that ones like masturbation over sex... just find the right or even frigid partner for that... to be fair. I hate generalization and I do know there are many different personalities... I just wasn't lucky enough to find the right one I guess.

PS: if I ever get to have sex with my partner (2-3 times a month)... I am always on top right after giving him a blow job... so no, not all of you do all the work.... unless you mean getting hard is a huge work out for you. You should realize that not all men does what you may do.. nor think the way you do... And cheating/having a harem and all that sort can be all right if it is open and fair and square and mutual.... Otherwise... You are a scumbag... for getting off on playing dumb and cute before your partner instead of letting her go.

[robby]

Frustrating

I do masturbate as a woman.... I think if your man is not around and you have the urge .... it is ok...I always tend to watch porn because it makes me come faster, plus I never stop before I reach 3-4 times orgasm.... and I still prefer sex to masturbation when even a one time orgasm is hardly guaranteed during sex with a man. I never say no to my MAN... That is my rule. I think masturbation is only a release and not a replacement for sex. I understand my partners needs.... and I do know how frustrating it is when you meet the wall when the urge comes. Cos I do experience this with my current partner. I do wanna have sex and he keeps turning me down. And I do know he masturbates cos I caught him on it. It is quite bad for my self-esteem... and I do work hard to get around around it... You could think that I may be overweight or any way unattractive... but I do not think so... nor men around me. Especially that I work out almost for 8 hours in the gym weekly. So I am quite toned so to speak... hehe
Anyhow... i think sex is an important part of life, and it is all fine that ones like masturbation over sex... just find the right or even frigid partner for that... to be fair. I hate generalization and I do know there are many different personalities... I just wasn't lucky enough to find the right one I guess.

PS: if I ever get to have sex with my partner (2-3 times a month)... I am always on top right after giving him a blow job... so no, not all of you do all the work.... unless you mean getting hard is a huge work out for you. You should realize that not all men does what you may do.. nor think the way you do... And cheating/having a harem and all that sort can be all right if it is open and fair and square and mutual.... Otherwise... You are a scumbag... for getting off on playing dumb and cute before your partner instead of letting her go.

I think my husband falls into the category of preferring his hand over me due to a combination of instant self pleasure and putting effort into mutual pleasure. He can get off anywhere, anytime. He has access to many different forms of visual materials, therefore does not put any effort into our sexual relationship. Although he does not know how to pleasure a female, I have hid disappointment from him, I've guided him and did the work myself to maintain some activity. I find myself waiting for him too much and too long. I wait for him only because I prefer the real thing over masturbating. My patience is so long that all I have to do is think about it or have a brief "wet dream" without any stimulation, which proves we all need a release. Our sexual relationship is extremely poor if it exists at all even though he uses pills. (Most likely to keep up with himself) I know that our sexual problem does not lay with me, it is his and I can't repair the damage alone. It is very frustrating to be anxious and willing to be turned down because he "just did". Prime example: On vacation, in public hot tub, alone together, he got off on a jet in front of me. Go to the hotel room, I get his snoring and his backside for the night. So far we have had 5 days, 4 nights and no sex. He has though; in the spa tub and in the shower each day. I never had this problem with my ex-husband or any relationship, as they were all over me and I actually had to keep up with them.

The resolution at this point is to discover a way to satisfy my needs and ignore him as he has ignores me. In other words, he can do what he wants and I will do my own thing. He admitted it is what he and his ex wife did. Most likely the reason she ended up cheating on him then leaving him. She was deprived. I just have some dildo shopping to do

[rcoreyus]

If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your enjoyment, its time to re-think things. Sex is a critically important part of a relationship, I don't think you can be happy without it. I have not problem with people masturbating if their partners aren't available, but it should never be a replacement for sex. If a man mistimes things and has taken care of himself recently, he should still be happy to do what he can to give you pleasure.

[Mr Hood]

Hello,

Thought I would share some of my own experiences with this thread.

I am defnitely a man who prefers masturbation to actual sex. I've been in a few relationships, and in each one, over time, this preference has come the foreground and ultimately undermined the connection I felt with the woman. It used to cause me a great deal of distress. At first I thought it was on account of the porn use that accompanied the masturbation. Maybe I was looking at all these naked porn girls and it was making me feel less satisfied with my partner. But when I actually got to thinking, I realized that even if I HAD the choice between having sex with those porn girls or simply masturbating to their videos, I would choose the latter. Isn't that strange? That is what made me think that it was probably the masturbation itself that was the problem. I thought that maybe I should stop masturbating altogether so that I wouldn't have it to compare against my partner and thereby feel discontent with her. Was that the solution? I can honestly say that I don't know because I never tried it. I just couldn't justify giving up something that I really liked so that something else that I also liked (though admittedly not as much) would be even better. Doesn't that make sense after all? For instance, I always put strawberry jam on my toast. Sometimes I think, "jeez, I also really like apricot jam, but I never end up having it, because I like strawberry so much more, and usually just end up putting it on my toast instead." Now add to this dilemma the compounding difficulty that I'm home in my pajamas, the strawberry jam is in the fridge, the toast is hot, and to get the apricot I would have to shower, get dressed, go to the store, buy it, come home, reheat the toast, and then eat it... and even after all of that STILL think the strawberry would have been better. What am I supposed to do? What would YOU do in my position. Ladies, supposing in this analogy that you are the apricot jam. Some guys like you a whole lot more than strawberry. So much more that they would be willing to go through all the trouble to get you. Some guys like you about the same as strawberry, and so they'll go through some trouble to get you, but not too much. And some guys just prefer strawberry. I'm one of those guys. What's wrong with that? It's so sweet and tasty. I can have it whenever I want, it's always in the fridge, it goes perfectly with peanut butter, it spreads so nicely on the toast (unlike apricot that clumps up makes the bread soggy) and you can get it with seeds or without, whichever you prefer. It's awesome! Granted, it will often leave you feeling like there's a deep, dark vacancy in your soul that can only be filled with apricot jam, and at the end of it all I may cry out from my death bed, "Apricot Jam, it was you I loved all along, **** you strawberry!" But every time those thoughts and misgivings come creeping into my head, you know what takes them away every time? Yep, you guessed it, strawberry jam.

[Mr Hood]

Hello John,

I remember seeing a bbc show that studied men who watched porn and their masturbation habits. They determined that men who were both highly empathic and highly creative were most likely to watch porn and masturbate to it. I thought of that study while I was reading your post. You are probably an empathetic and creative individual. Those two qualities will not serve you well with women, but it they will serve you well in your spiritual quest for fulfillment. I can relate to your story a lot. Thanks for sharing it.

[mungo]

I prefer mutual masturbation

When I was younger I preferred intercourse. Now I prefer to masturbate my partner with nipple, clitoral and Gspot stimulation. Frequently
she can have multiple orgasms this way. Then I'm happy for her to masturbate me. She prefers to have intercourse. I give her great pleasure. what's wrong with just masturbation ?

[taveira]

i left him yesterday, help

Hello,

Thought I would share some of my own experiences with this thread.

I am defnitely a man who prefers masturbation to actual sex. I've been in a few relationships, and in each one, over time, this preference has come the foreground and ultimately undermined the connection I felt with the woman. It used to cause me a great deal of distress. At first I thought it was on account of the porn use that accompanied the masturbation. Maybe I was looking at all these naked porn girls and it was making me feel less satisfied with my partner. But when I actually got to thinking, I realized that even if I HAD the choice between having sex with those porn girls or simply masturbating to their videos, I would choose the latter. Isn't that strange? That is what made me think that it was probably the masturbation itself that was the problem. I thought that maybe I should stop masturbating altogether so that I wouldn't have it to compare against my partner and thereby feel discontent with her. Was that the solution? I can honestly say that I don't know because I never tried it. I just couldn't justify giving up something that I really liked so that something else that I also liked (though admittedly not as much) would be even better. Doesn't that make sense after all? For instance, I always put strawberry jam on my toast. Sometimes I think, "jeez, I also really like apricot jam, but I never end up having it, because I like strawberry so much more, and usually just end up putting it on my toast instead." Now add to this dilemma the compounding difficulty that I'm home in my pajamas, the strawberry jam is in the fridge, the toast is hot, and to get the apricot I would have to shower, get dressed, go to the store, buy it, come home, reheat the toast, and then eat it... and even after all of that STILL think the strawberry would have been better. What am I supposed to do? What would YOU do in my position. Ladies, supposing in this analogy that you are the apricot jam. Some guys like you a whole lot more than strawberry. So much more that they would be willing to go through all the trouble to get you. Some guys like you about the same as strawberry, and so they'll go through some trouble to get you, but not too much. And some guys just prefer strawberry. I'm one of those guys. What's wrong with that? It's so sweet and tasty. I can have it whenever I want, it's always in the fridge, it goes perfectly with peanut butter, it spreads so nicely on the toast (unlike apricot that clumps up makes the bread soggy) and you can get it with seeds or without, whichever you prefer. It's awesome! Granted, it will often leave you feeling like there's a deep, dark vacancy in your soul that can only be filled with apricot jam, and at the end of it all I may cry out from my death bed, "Apricot Jam, it was you I loved all along, **************** you strawberry!" But every time those thoughts and misgivings come creeping into my head, you know what takes them away every time? Yep, you guessed it, strawberry jam.

Hello and thank you so much for your explanation. I want to appologise some written mistakes I might writte, since this is not my mother language.
I came here for having this issue - for the last 7 years I have been struggling with the lack of sex from my boyfriend. On other relations I had, the boys where so crazy about me that sometimes I had to pretend I was on my period with some pain, or I had to stay in a friends house to get some rest. I don't wanna sound like an **************, but I was a very self confident and pretty woman, and I have a very nice body too -I really do. I am very tall, thin, but with a round but and breasts - so not very skinny but shaped. I also have nice and pretty hair, teeth, big eyes - I always had many boys interested in me! Now I am 31 and still looking young and good, many people think I am 24! But I feel like 50 - I feel sad, lonelly, ugly, unsexy, and with a huge lack of trust. Altough I see in the mirror practically the same girl I saw 15 years ago, these last 7 years are destroying me.
I feel bitter, sad, complaining, and very ugly, even if I know I am not.
I need to express this about me because my ego is so low, that if I don't insist on this point, I might aswell feel like killing myself. I have to keep saying - I am pretty, I am hot, this guy has a problem, not me.

I am also very active and interested, so I don't usually leave all the work to a guy when it comes to sex, I don't mind doing everything, even just to make him Bj, I love to do them, I used to do them to my ex all the time. On top of that I am very easy to please - a boy practically just needs to enter me for multiple orgasms. So no need for a great performance.

After 5 years of sex lack with my boyfriend I found out he has this thing for women feet and I even accepted to make him footjobs - wich was something totally new for me. I thought maybe that was the problem, maybe he was shy about revealing this, so I made him see I was alright with it and I even got imaginative about it, sometimes I surprised him with flowers around my feet in bed, rings for toes, colorfull nail polish, as I learned this would really turn him on. I would also ask him for foot massage - if a guy has a fetish, let it be feet! At least we earn massages! If I really try this might, MIGHT work, but he never NEVER NEVER searches for me If I don't do these things. And even If I do something sexy - If I decide to undress in the bedroom to go take a shower, I may walk around for several minutes naked, pretending to be looking for some brush or something - It will be the same for him, If he is reading a newspaper, we will keep doing it, and nothing changes 'down there'. Everytime I tried this trick on other guys they decided imediatly to jump in the shower with me!
This makes me so stressed and sad and ugly that yesterday I HAD to broke up with him - and it hurts like hell, because I love him so much, I do - but I am starting to feel suicidal - that's how bad I feel about myself.

Because, you see, Mister Wood, there is more into a woman then just the sex. If he prefers the strawberry, he is chosing to make me feel sad, bad, unhappy. That means he doesn't prefer it to apricot, he prefers it to conect with me.
The weird part is that he keeps asking me NOT to leave him. Last night he cried so much when I left him, and today he called me asking me back, and that he was feeling so bad that he skipped work and classes. But the thing is, Mister Wood, he was not so direct and clear about this subject as you are. He insists he prefers me to porn - wich is clearly a lie, because we have sex once a month, but his downloads and history in the computer - and only the ones he forguets to erase - are much more then once a month. Even at luch time break he had downloads.
That beeing said, I am really sad with all this situation. Not only that he rathers his hand to me, but also he lies about it, as if I was dumb. This ofended me. I also - and this, Mister Wood, is for you also to read, so you can learn a bit about women - feel so ugly, unsexy, and feeling like rather dying then having to go trough this.

If I had read before what you wrotte - some years ago, or if he had been this straight, I would have taken this decision before. I am not just the apricot choice!!! I am so much more then that! I love him, I love to play computer games with him, to travel, we make jokes toghether, we writte stories, we cook, I thought we were so close! But I can see now that nothing of that matters - because all I am to him is a matter of apricot choice. I told him we could still be friends, but I need sex, lots of it, not only for a matter of conffort, but also to feel a little better about me. But we could still be friends and do the rest of it toghether - the walks, the games, going to the movies, etc...
He is very upset and sad, but I really don't get why, since the only diference is that from now on he won't have to sacrifice himself once a month and I will find somebody willing to do it!

It disgusts me very much his attitude towards me all these years, and now that I realise that to him I was nothing more then an 'appricot' jar, makes me sick. Even more when the end of the story is that probably he will get over it very quickly with the strawberry, like you said.

I spoke to him many times about this, how it made me sad, unhappy, desperate. How it was destroying our relation. Yesterday not only I found out he had been doing it again over me (I knew it, obvioussly, but I wanted to confront him with the internet downloads), but he also trated me as if I was dumb, lying with all the evidence in front of him 'I haven't been doing it, the date of the download is incorrect'... right.

I got crazy, i destroyed all the magazines he had in the room, i spoiled cream all over the room, I destroied the condoms of the condom box
we had for 6 moths (it brings 8 condoms, it still had 5! I gave up on the pill on january this year, since I was actually taking hormones for anything related to sex), and I yelled: THERE, NOW YOU CAN HAVE FUN WITH YOUR COMPUTER, YOUR MAGAZINES, YOUR CREAM, I APROVE IT FINALLY! OH AND WE JUST OPENED FINALLY THE REST OF THE CONDOMS, HORRAY! NOW I'M OUTA HERE! YOU DISGUST ME.

I runned in to my car and he came running after me. He was there for 1 hour trying to make me go back but I didn't. And I don't want to.
I really wanna leave this SICK relationship. If for some reason I am weak and go back I will definetelly want him to go to a doctor, or I will openly cheat on him and invite other men to our house and ask him to leave in those nights. (but I am not a cheater, so this will be really hard).

Is there any possibility a doctor could fix him? I should stopp dreaming, right? I really have to move on. I am so sad. Altough he is the boy less interested in me i've ever met, i've never liked any boy so much. I can easily find another man, but I never seem to like them so much. Why did i fell so much in love with this guy if he just considers me a jar of apricot?

It's not just sex, we were supose to feel good togheter. If he doesn't fell good with me why does he want's me back? Selfish **************!!!
Excuse me for the long text, I am desperate, alone (I am to shy to tell any close friend about this), feeling ugly and unwhiling to live. I am very confused too...

I really did the best by leaving him, didn't I? I am so sad, and I can't talk with anyone about it! We have all comon friends and I don't want to embarass him and me - I would be a joke too! I don't know what to do, is so so horrible!

Please, someone help me with some advise...