[LanaBear]

I don't think her not being uncomfortable about being naked is really that odd... She's had two kids, one 18 months ago. No matter how much a husband tells a wife, that she looks awesome and her body is fabulous after two kids, I think the wife pretty much always has a different idea about how they look. If she's got stretch marks, if things, after two pregnancies and deliveries look different now to her than they did before, she may be self conscious, extremely so.

And... She may be suffering the mommy vs sexuality syndrome... Moms are not supposed to be sexy, moms are not supposed to want sex, moms are not supposed to kiss their kids with the same lips she puts on her hubby's package... It's a hard thing to get over.

[jns]

A lot of additional information that really clarifies the situation. Maybe you need to be less accommodating, so she understands she has something to lose, but I fear that will be a losing proposition. Maybe sometime later her sex drive will go into overdrive, such as told on other threads, but that is not something to count on.

I asked about climaxes because if she climaxed hard and often, I would think she would do more to get back to that state. At the same time her body would release chemicals to increase bonding. Are you sure you cannot manually or orally bring her to multiple climax?

[rcoreyus]

Your situation sounds depressingly familiar. After 25 years I haven't found a solution. Based on these and other discussions here, I've come to the conclusion that some people simply are not interested in sex. It isn't because their partners are bad lovers, or ugly, don't do their share of work, or aren't romantic or any other failing.

I wonder if people like this are really asexual, or possibly gay/lesbian and not willing to admit it to themselves. The only way I can imagine acting that way to someone I cared about would be if they were male (I'm a straight male).

You can try scented baths, love notes, flowers at work, back and foot rubs, romantic vacations, nice (non erotic) clothes, gifts, extra chores - maybe you will have better luck than I did. You can try pretending that you don't care - but that will fail because unlike you, she REALLY doesn't care.

I don't think you are the cause of the problem, and I don't know of anything you can do. Just to make you a bit more miserable, in my case its gradually declined over the years from 1/week, to now less than once a month. (nothing in the last 3).

I don't think it is lack of love - just lack of sexual interest. My wife loves me - she just isn't sexually attracted to me at all.

It isn't just women who don't want sex by the way. There are a number of women who have posted that their boyfriends / husbands have no interest in sex.

The really sad thing is that the people (of both genders) who are denied sex becomes the ones most willing to be good lovers - the ones willing to do anything their partners want - all of which is wasted effort.

So, you get the choices:
Live like a monk.
Cheat
Leave her and your family.

these are NOT good choices.

[DannyTy]

That's rough...

Besides back rubs, what gets her turned on? "Honey, will you have sex with me?" is really not a turn-on, not even for me (and I'm easy). When's the last time you glanced over at her and smiled from across the room? When's the last time you ran your hand up your leg and kissed her neck? When's the last time you just stopped doing anything "sweet" and stopped even trying to initiate sex, seemed less interested, and played a little hard-to-get? All of these things work for me with my fiance.

Does your wife see you looking at other women in public? Does SHE look at other women in public? Does she have any friends that she seems a little too close to? I don't wanna make you paranoid, but my best friend's ex-wife was never interested in sex with him...probably due to the fact that she was seeing other guys on the side all the time. She hated that he was such a dork, but she stayed with him because he worked and didn't make her get a job, he cleaned the house, he did all the cooking, he mowed the lawn, and she could just sit around eating bon-bons all day without a care in the world.

Man, this is a really difficult and sensitive subject. Maybe you two should seek some marriage counseling. Maybe there are some hidden resentments on her part. Maybe try taking her out and doing something "wild and crazy" or spontaneous like you used to, before you were married. Get rid of the kids in advance one night, and take her for a drive, far off into the distance, and just talk and sing along to the radio or some CDs.

If nothing else, take this advice: If you're doing the same things over and over again, and they don't work, then stop doing them and try something else! Good luck, man.

[pretzel]

Well, I'm not so sure I can really add much here because I'm pretty sure not only could I write the OP and some of his additional comments, but live the same scenario.

What I do think is that counseling may help but then again, it may not.

There is a trigger that has started this rolling. Maybe post partem depression. Maybe she's still uncomfortable with the way she looks even this far off from the second child. Maybe it's..............................

I agree with rc that it's not about her not loving you, but more about being in love with you. The differences in those two types of feelings are like night and day. It's not an easy fix to get back to having her really being in love again.

[StillLearnin]

Well, been there done that.

My wife had so many preconditions to sex to make everything just right for her, that I finally said "enough is enough." Sounds like you are at the same point as I was a couple of years ago. I finally had to make an ultimatum about a year ago before she finally realized how serious I was, and how unhappy I was.

If you think your marriage is worth saving, then by all means, do what you have to do to save it. Even the backrubs and marriage counselor. But don't do all that without setting expectations that you expect reciprocation in the way that you need it. Otherwise she'll go on about her happy life and not do anything to help your happiness. Trust me, I know. Sounds one sided, doesn't it? Indeed it is. But there are two people in your marriage, and it can't continue being all about her.

Before, I would have to walk on eggshells and be very careful to not "ruin" her mood for sex. Now, it is more recreational and she's a willing participant. She finally could get past her hangups about sex and start enjoying it, and enjoying the time with me.

I'm just wanted to pass on the positive results I have had with my wife, and let you know that it could be possible for you and your wife to amend things. But it will take a long time, possibly years, and a LOT of patience. She won't change overnight. And, she won't change unless she wants to change.

[WildChild]

There are plenty of men who do this stuff too. I'm an expert at finding them. At first you are wonderful and great and all that. Then they just quit being interested. You can try anything you can think of; seduction, being a buddy, backing off, talking, tears, being super cheerful, sinking into dispair -doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much you love or are in love - they just can't respond.

I tend to feel sorry and think if I just hang in there and keep loving, they'll heal and come round - hasn't ever happened. They have to open their own door and be willing to walk through.

That said, many men can develop a habit of taking the completely wrong approach to a woman and shut her down. If the only time you have time for her or a pleasant word is if you want or need something, if you treat her as an after thought, or a burden, if your idea of foreplay is "hey look at this, I have an erection" (yes, there are men who do this after not touching you for months) You aren't going to have a willing partner. Very few women can maintain an interest with this kind of treatment. It's just too painful emotionally and physically.

Demanding, in some way, that she get interested or do it anyway, won't help. Our sexuality isn't like a light switch you can just turn on or off and forget. Think of it as needing to keep the pilot light burning, at least a low level of arousal at all times. That means attention, caring, non sexual touch - even when you aren't looking for sex, in fact especially then. Some women, such as myself and others here, have learned to keep that light burning for ourselves, that doesn't mean we can be treated like sex on demand, when I don't have anything better to do, afterthoughts.

There are many women who have just learned not to respond sexually. And men. I don't know what it takes to get past that but if they aren't willing and wanting to resolve it, nothing is happening.

[Guest]

I understand and agree with everything the ladies have said, and I , as a frustrated man at times, can empathise. Don't mind me being blunt, guy to guy, but have you suddenly let yourself go in any way. Personal hygiene, teeth etc? Because if you haven't then it seems like a very unfortunate situation. Why not try saying to her "do you want me to go and get another woman" (not meaning it of course) but just to see her reaction? It might just shake her up a bit 'cos it seems like she needs something like this !

[pretzel]

I understand and agree with everything the ladies have said, and I , as a frustrated man at times, can empathise. Don't mind me being blunt, guy to guy, but have you suddenly let yourself go in any way. Personal hygiene, teeth etc? Because if you haven't then it seems like a very unfortunate situation. Why not try saying to her "do you want me to go and get another woman" (not meaning it of course) but just to see her reaction? It might just shake her up a bit 'cos it seems like she needs something like this !

Sorry TH, in no way shape or form would I agree with this, guy to guy.

Words matter. They matter just as much as actions do.

[Guest]

Understand, but sometimes even after years of trying to find out why someone won't change, you are resulted to trying anything to get them to communicate. It's a last resort but worth a try I think. This guy , after all this time, has no idea why she won't have sex with him. Maybe it's partly him, but he's not a mind reader! It sounds like he's tried everything. If he goes out now and has sex elsewhere he's the guilty party. She has shut up shop over a period of time and he's at his wits end!