[Count Zero]

Response to Stressed

Does counseling really help in these situations? Does it help the partner with the lower sex drive change? Even if you've discussed everything, in every way, with your partner is it possible that a counselor would make the partner realize how serious this is? Even when they already know it's a problem? I need some feedback

More thoughts, I guess I looked at my life and thought, "I'm 35, unhappy, can I take another 50 years of this?" The answer was NO! Strange as it may seem, I have recently seen a devoice which was not acrimonious and he still sees his kids alot, he got out of his unhappy relationship and I began to see this as a viable option. When this came out during the counselling, my wife was stunned. I had also begun to notice other women, something I hadn't really done since we got together. These two things were very hard for my wife to hear, but this helped her to see the point that I was at. From there I guess the women can either dig into a fortified position or try to change things. Either way, you're not stuck where you are.

Good luck.

[jns]

Count Zero, its good to hear from the voice of someone who was helped in this matter by counseling.

[Sumerain]

do you think this advice would apply to me as welll? my boyfriend sounds alot like his wife and I sound alot like him ...always wanting sex but im the girl acting like the guy and he is the guy acting like the girl

[cashybum]

If you've truely tried to improve your intimacy (and not half it) then you need to be blunt. Tell her how you feel and show her your little chart or whatever. Be honest and tell her that it needs to improve or you need to move on.

[evaone]

feel sorry for you. maybe all i can suggest is to see both of you a professional help

[Count Zero]

You know what's really interesting?

I've just re-read the whole thread, and it's really interesting that the er... shall we say denied partner is generally asking for more sex, and not anything unusual. I find this really strange, if they were asking their partner to wear a gimp suit and have hot candle wax dripped on them, I'd understand resistance, but most people would say more sex is good if asked. I think low amounts of sex gets to be a habit, one which is defended if called out as they feel offended and defensive. Perhaps counselling helped us as we had a chance to step back away from the automatic responses and really talk.

[Allie602]

CountZero thanks for answering my questions. I worry that I will be the low sex partner in a relationship so I wanted to know what goes through women's mind when it happens. I hope I will always understand and really feel that my man wants sex because he wants to stay connected and not just use me for a mechanical function. It seems to be easy in the beginning of the relationship so I don't really know how it gets lost.

[oxy-moron]

The reasons for relationships going this way have been attributed to the Coolidge effect.
This is a normal mammal response to mating. After orgasm the body goes into a hormonal based state where the sex partner becomes sexually unatractive for two weeks to a month.
This stops repetitive mating with the same partner which is biologically not beneficial( other potential mates will still be attractive ).This has been proven on primates as well on long term experiments.
For humans the negative impact of this phenomenon tends to kick in after 2 years when the LOVE stage has worn off. The way around this is to change lovemaking so that it is cuddle and massage based with no or few Orgasms occurring. This is the basis of Carezza type teachings. And a lot of old religious beliefs.
It is interesting to note the OPs partner has been asking for more physical massage which just seems to make him angry.

On top of this I believe that there is another relationship dynamic which is Fuser / Isolator.
This is relationship theory that has been around a long time. Fusers tend to end up with Isolators because it provides the dynamic they grew up with. A lot of Fuser / Isolator pairs end up in relationship counselling.
I believe the Coolidge effect will have minimal impact on a Fuser who is always seeking connection with their mate whereas it will put an Isolator further into Intimacy avoidance mode.

Couldn't hurt to try a different lovemaking style for a while.
Happy cuddling.

[WildChild]

Sorry oxy, Sounds like a lot of nonsense to me. I want the man I was with for over 2 years More now than I did before and that's saying a lot. I think in his case he sees it as a control issue and withholds sex in order to be the one in control. He still wants me, as I hear regularly, he just wants what he wants, the way he wants it, when he wants it.

I've talked with women (my age) - who frankly shocked me - who've said straight out that they use sex to "get" a man and that they really don't enjoy or want it. I would assume that once married, they cut it off or way back. Some of the women here who talk about not orgasming and working to pleasure a man even though they get nothing out of it, worry me. They will not be able to maintain this over a lifetime or probably more than a few years, then they will cut back or cut him off, maybe after they have a child. They would do better to concentrate their efforts on becoming orgasmic.

There are men who see women as a more legitimate or manly way to get off rather than masterbate. There are men who see having a women, apparently, more or less as just one of those things they are supposed to accumulate in life and have sitting around in a closet, like a vacuum, use it once in a while, empty the bag and check the belt, put it back in the closet. You don't pay it much attention, unless the belt starts smoking and makes a big stink, then you either tinker with it or get a new one.

There are members of both genders who see a life partner more as an accessory or trophy - look what I got. Mine's better than yours. I know I woman who used to work in a health club that serviced a very wealthy community - lots of trophy wives. She said those women knew what they had to offer and within days of delivering a baby they would be working out - against doctor's orders. Some were very up front about it, they had to get their body back or lose the man. There are men who know that if they lose their money - the woman will be gone.

Its sad, the things people will do to each other and to themselves and ultimately we all suffer as it contributes to a general distrust in sexual relations. The only solution is awareness and a fostering a belief that we are all entitled to consentual shared sexual satisfaction.

[oxy-moron]

Wildchild
Firstly thanks for calling my Oxy and not moron
I acknowledge the points you make about the superficiality of relationhips.
However I believe you prove my original point. You are talking like a Fuser and your partner is acting like an Isolator. He controls the Intimacy frequency safely knowing that as a Fuser you will be back for more.
By reducing the level of Orgasms you have with him he will be keeping you as keen as possible on him.
He is a very lucky man but may not consider himself so. Probably, you have a relationship dynamic that works very well.