[lovechild]

I've never been one to orgasm quickly or easily, but I have a very high sex drive. This in itself is an issue. My problem is magnified whenever my boyfriend and I have sex; he tends to orgasm before it even starts feeling really good for me. He's not very good with his hands or mouth, so foreplay doesn't really do much.

I've been with him for over a year. I've realized that I resent him for my frustration. I hold out on him. I don't give him oral or anal, which he loves, because I think "Why should you get it all while I get nothing?" I don't TRY to hold out on him, but when he complains that I don't do these things, I feel resentment. Like saying "How dare you ask me for more?" He's trying to please me and feels like a failure about my frustration, so I feel selfish talking to him about it --I don't want to make him feel worse.

I'm sure there's something I can do to work this out. I'm tired of having sex just to remain frustrated. When it comes to comparing how often we orgasm, it's probably close to a 1:25 ratio. I usually wouldn't mind.... but I've gotten VERY frustrated. I want my turn now!

Any suggestions on how to fix this? He's an amazing man and I love every aspect of our relationship except for this one. Is there anything I can do?

[stressed]

Have you tried masturbating next to him during/after foreplay?

[schizuki]

You seem frustrated that your "say nothing about it" strategy has failed to produce results. And you seem dismayed that this lack of results has led to a long-term seething resentment on your part.

I'm going to address this to all of the ladies, not just you:

Why do you ladies think that the "clam up, hope he reads my mind, get steadily more pi**ed when he doesn't" strategy works? Why do you not recognize that not only is it unhelpful, it is damaging? And where do you get the idea that men can read minds in the first place?

When I was young and inexperienced, my second girlfriend was not thrilled with my "mash the tongue against the vagina" technique of cunnilingus. After the third time, she very nicely explained that the best way to do it for her was to lightly flick the clitoris with the tip of my tongue. In ten minutes I thought she was having an epileptic seizure. We were both quite thrilled with the results of her tutoring.

Of course, that did me little good with my next girlfriend, who required a different technique. And here's another secret - you women are all over the map with what you like in bed and how it should be done. What works with one girl is useless with another. Which tends to even further complicate the whole mind-reading thing.

If you have a problem with your man's technique (or anything else), teach him. Talk about it. And for God's sake, remember that conversational style isn't a toggle switch between "Silent" and "Scold." Believe it or not, it's a dial with a whole lot of productive, friendly, easy-going positions in between. Remember also that while most women will take a helpful critique as an attack and be hurt or angry, a (mature) man will not. So don't project your feelings onto him. He will take it as a helpful critique. And if it means making you like sex with him more, he will be VERY anxious to please.

In your endless obsession with not hurting feelings, you cause massive damage with your seething resentments. And when you eventually blow, the poor guy doesn't know where the it came from. A problem that could have been resolved quickly with a friendly conversation eventually turns into something much worse than some potential hurt feeling. So knock it off. Talk to us. Nicely. The results might amaze you.

[kygirl]

lovechild,

You should def talk to him. My BF and I had the same kind of issue... Not with the withholding but me having a high sex drive and not always having an orgasm. I had to really explain to him that it seemed frustrating to me and he admitted that maybe it seemed a bit like it was never going to happen at times. BUT we talked through it and he agreed to try to make more of an effort keep trying...

He may not realize where the frustration is coming from. Men aren't mind readers like the poster above notes. You have to be sure to explain to him where you're coming from and I"m sure if he cares about you, he'll be willing to try to figure it out with you.

[Hopeless Dork]

I totally agree with the poster up there about the mind-reading. You can't expect him to know how to please you, you have to show him. It wont make him feel bad to have you say... you know what would make me feel really good? If you did... xyz... a demonstration of such would be even more an insentive for him to pay attention

Masturbate for him, show him what feels good to you, guide his hand.. use verbal cues when he is giving oral... telling him what feels best and went to 'keep it right there'...

If he doesn't WANT to try to learn what pleases you, then you have a problem. But while you say nothing and expect him to magically figure it out... your likely to remain frustrated.

[Rediscovered]

I hear you loud and clear, Schizuki!

This is what you call a lack of "intimacy" and I never realized before how much of what we do in bed involves words and communication between partners. And a lot of this conversation can take place *outside* of the bedroom (I think it's sometimes best that way).

To the OP: It may be that you don't feel comfortable enough or trusting enough with your boyfriend to share your intimate thoughts. It is something you either have with each other or if you don't have it, you have to figure out a way to work on it.

In my opinion, a lack of intimacy is the reason most marriages fail (including my own). So if you want to keep a relationship alive, it's a MUST.

[Guest]

Well put schizuki and hopeless dork. Speak to him Lovechild. Men are not the over sensitive beings that women often think we are. You listen to two men talking and you'll hear a lot of things that you wouldn't say, but men can hear. Most men will take constructive criticism in the right way.

[schizuki]

And a lot of this conversation can take place *outside* of the bedroom (I think it's sometimes best that way).

Excellent, excellent point. Definitely set the stage well before bedtime. Maybe over a nice dinner - just the talk itself, done right, will be a bit of foreplay (fellas, for women, conversation is a form of foreplay, do not neglect it, it is powerful, and I'm not talking about "dirty talk"), the guy will have fair warning and preparation, he'll be eager and ready for action, and he'll have his game face on. Spring it on him in the bedroom, and it could be a touch deflating.

Thanks for that very excellent addendum.

[rcoreyus]

Agree with all the above - tell him what you like. You can put it nicely with a "would you try X". You DON'T need to say "you are a terrible lover, here is some basic advice...".

[Hopeless Dork]

Oh gosh I agree so much with it being about intimacy and intimacy having so much more to do with trust and communication than ANYTHING you do with your body. Before my current relationship I gave my body over for sex... but nothing else and I never orgasmed with partners. I'd never tell them if something hurt, I'd never tell them what would make me feel good... I'd never share or make a sound when they were doing something I liked so they'd skip over too fast for me to latch on to the feelings.

But its a whole different universe of awesome now that I am able to talk to and share everything with the man I love. We cuddle after sex and I tell him explicitly all the ways he blew my mind. I am always tuned into his needs and desires and when we lay around cuddling I often ask him what he likes the best.. what he secretly wants more of/less of and because of that he asks the same of me.

You can make a game out of , make foreplay out of telling him how you would be most pleasured... write him an explicit naughty note detailing all the ways you want to feel him... write it like a fantasy or a specific wish... be sure to include things that he already does that you love and just expand on them.

Talking about sex can be embarassing but once you get the ball rolling its a beautiful beautiful thing that will only bring you guys closer and happier, emotionally as well as sexually.