[uglee]

My wife and I have sex once a week at best. She is a selfish lover, never asking what I want nor doing what I want if it isn't within her boundaries. Sex is always on her terms i.e. when, where and how. Most of the time sex is only once every 3 to 4 weeks. We've discussed this problem often (obviously it's just my problem) and the trend changes for a short while, about a month or so, but then goes back to once a month. I am extremely patient and I think I am also very understanding but I am about to give up on it and I will soon say something that will damage our 13 year relationship. I know that when I lose my patience I say things that are hurtful and destructive and I have no remorse because I don't say something unless I mean it and I therefore never apologise for it. Luckily I am very patient and almost never do that.

I know my wife masturbates when I am away for a couple days with work (which is very very seldom) because she told me so. When we have sex once a month I masturbate, on average, every other day. If we have sex once a week I don't masturbate at all because then I am bigger and harder and ready to go when she is.

A 37 y.o workaholic (50-60 hrs/wk, she loves her job) mother of one married for 13 years that is happy with sex once a month....how often would you say she masturbates?

[Hopeless Dork]

Is your concern that she is masturbating thereby not needing you for sex? Women tend to be really different than men with that. The more a guy masturbates, typically... the less he has a need for sex because of his physiological limitations. Women, however, that masturbate frequently tend to have a higher drive for sex in general.. the more she comes, the more she wants to come. So your wife masturbating would be a good thing in your case because it would mean she's sexual and that would likely reflect in how much she desires you.

So if she is put off the idea of sex with you, theres a good chance she's putting off the idea of it with herself but there is no way to know that.. all women are different and then each individual woman has different needs at different times. I've gone a month without masturbating and no sex and I've masturbated 3 or 4 times a day for days on end... it all depends.

If she works a lot, is busy with a kid... and her mind isn't really ever having free enough to even think or feel sexual, I'd guess its probably not all that often, but who knows. There is just too many variables, it would be impossible for any of us to know if or how much your wife masturbates.

[uglee]

Thanks

Is your concern that she is masturbating thereby not needing you for sex? Women tend to be really different than men with that. The more a guy masturbates, typically... the less he has a need for sex because of his physiological limitations. Women, however, that masturbate frequently tend to have a higher drive for sex in general.. the more she comes, the more she wants to come. So your wife masturbating would be a good thing in your case because it would mean she's sexual and that would likely reflect in how much she desires you.

So if she is put off the idea of sex with you, theres a good chance she's putting off the idea of it with herself but there is no way to know that.. all women are different and then each individual woman has different needs at different times. I've gone a month without masturbating and no sex and I've masturbated 3 or 4 times a day for days on end... it all depends.

If she works a lot, is busy with a kid... and her mind isn't really ever having free enough to even think or feel sexual, I'd guess its probably not all that often, but who knows. There is just too many variables, it would be impossible for any of us to know if or how much your wife masturbates.

Thanks HD,

Your reply has reinforced what I suspected wherein working the long hours takes a lot out of her. She hasn't always worked that much and still the sex wasn't frequent. She doesn't have a very active sex drive, which is very frustrating. She loves her job and she loves working and hence she puts all of her energy into it. So that leaves me taking care of our 3 year old.

You have also confirmed that the more sex she has, the more she wants (her own words), but the problem is that it's always the LAST thing on her list. She also has a problem with relaxing, she simply cannot switch herself off and allow herself to enjoy life and that drives me insane. If my boss calls me on a Sunday, I tell him to " off, it's Sunday!" If her boss calls, she is in the office within the hour!

I suspect that she doesn't masturbate very much because of her almost non-existant sex drive, but on the other side I suspect that maybe she does because it takes less time and energy when she's already tired and can't be bothered with actual sex. I know that when I want to skip the usual of "no, don't touch there, no don't do that, no I don't want foreplay just give it to me hard and now" I masturbate just to give myself some relief and I think it's a fair assumption to think she might do the same.

The whole reason for my asking, is because I want to try to be a bit more informed if I confront her yet again about the dissatisfying sex life. Sometimes I think I'd like to catch her masturbating to be able to confront her there and then, but in the end I couldn't be bothered because when I think about it, it doesn't really matter if she does or doesn't masturbate.

I guess it's just going to be a problem I'll have to continue to suffer..."for better or for worse" those were my words, so I'd better stick by them, yeah?

[Hopeless Dork]

As much as it may occur to you to wonder about her masturbation habits, you are right in the fact that the heart of the problem lies elsewhere and her masturbation or lack of it is just a symptom of something else.

There was a time in my relationship when my boyfriend was stressed with work and didn't seem to want to be intimate with me as often as usual, yet I was pretty sure he was still masturbating. This hurt my feelings greatly because I felt like if he didn't masturbate, then stressed or not he'd have a stronger urge to be with me.

So I focused on that and let that be the cause of my frustration, if only he wouldnt masturbate then he'd want me more... so I went into freak out mode and started policing porn and alone time out of not knowing what else to do to get him to realize how much I needed to feel wanted by him. That I, too, could masturbate and curb my own sexual appetite but it didn't fullfill me in the way intimacy with him did.

Eventually it was through facing the big issue, that I wanted him to be intimate with me more, rather than focusing on the side story of whether or not he was masturbating and how much and how often and to what etc... I was able to put in proper perspective what I'd need from him in order to be happy.

He knows how his body works, he knows that if he masturbates he won't be as needing of sex with me so if he chose to do that, he was not placing my needs very high on the priority list. But by qutting attack on accusations /questions of what he was doing without me... and placing my concerns where they belonged, what he was doing with me.. he was able to understand what I needed from him and stopped feeling like I was trying to control or limit his sexuality outside of what we did together.

I think it may suit your situation well, since you are in it for the haul, is to find out what it takes to make her feel sexy... and provide her with it. Sex starts in the mind for most women... feeling desirable is a big part of what turns many women, myself included, on.

Letting her know she looks hot, giving her a little spank or lingering up and down stare when she walks by with no intentions for sex at that moment plants a seed, puts a spring in her step and makes her feel sexy. Treating her to a full body massage, again, not pushing for sex... letting her own body crave it.

Sometimes when a person is hounded it can create a wall where even if they feel like sex they don't want to because they see it as giving into every little whim of their partner. I don't think thats a healthy way to feel about things... but some people do just that. Some people the more someone wants something from them, the less they want to give it... and reverse that situation and they are the ones wandering.. hey? what happened... don't you want me?

It seems silly to have to play games and not just say this is what I need and have your partner understand it. I realize that I am lucky to be in a relationship where that is the norm. But perhaps if you go back to the flirting with her, no pressure, the footrubs and compliments... maybe she will find her way back... anything is worth a try at this point.

[jns]

Well said HD. Desire is a huge part of intimate relations. When a relationship is new, desire is what gets it started. Later, desire has to worked on to keep the relationship on level ground.

[uglee]

You make some good sense, HD, thanks.

[rcoreyus]

uglee, your situation sounds depressingly familiar to me. My take on it is a bit different - maybe she has decided that the only point of sex is to orgasm. In that case if is quicker, easier, more efficient for her to do it herself than for you to do it for her. Maybe she feels that she has a duty to take care of you, and as long as you orgasm once a month, she has gotten her part of the job done.

Sounds miserable - and as I said, very familiar.

[archrival]

After 10 years of being happily married ,I noticed that my wife becomes increasingly aroused when i take the time to actually listen to her without making comments or judgements.
Its a natural progresson for a woman to sexually please her husband, but only if he sees to her needs.Is there anything that you feel you could improve on in terms of your communication with your wife.Take the time to listen,trust me it works.

[uglee]

archrival, I'm sure there are many areas both myself and my wife could improve on, but listening, from my part was never lacking. About two years ago I was feeling quite neglected, I'd done everything I could possibly think of for many years, almost as if I was butler, chef, maid, psychologist and best friend all rolled into one. For one year I made an effort to NOT mention lack of sex or pressure her and to just watch the reactions. There came a point where the harder I tried to satisfy her every whim, the more I got ignored and even when I spoke she did not even register that I was there talking to her. During all of this we had sex twice in a five month period. I'd had enough, I confronted her about it and spilled it all. I said " had we did not had a child, I would have left her a year earlier" Ever since we'd first met we would to talk for hours, I know she enjoys it and how important it is for her and I also really enjoy her company, but I told her that if all she can give me is one hour per month for intimacy then I will only give her an hour of conversation each month and maybe then she will understand how I feel. I would put the threat into actual practice sometimes and over the past couple years it has improved, but there are still times when she needs reminding that I am not just a part of the furniture.
I've come to terms with the fact that it's a problem that will probably never go away and I'll just have to keep working at it. I know I am not too demanding, I'm satisfied if we have sex twice a week and even if it's once a week that'll do, It's a lot better than monthly! In an ideal world we'd all be having sex daily, but life can't always be that good, can it?
Oh, I should also mention that for eight years after getting married, she was alwys on my back about having kids. I was never ready to start a family as I still had other things I wanted to achieve first. Then, when I agreed to starting a family the sex was four times a week for six months until she fell pregnant. The day after she found out that she was pregnant...that door was slammed shut again and we were back to the usual routine. Odd, I think.

[WannaBee]

uglee
seems you got a real problem there, here is what I would try.

Find a relative (grandparents, brother, aunt, whatever) and ask them if they would be so kind to care of your child on Sunday. Do not tell your child or wife about that.

Get her calendar and delete all appointments and obligations on Sunday and put in in capital letters: Surprise.
On Saturday evening you disconnect the phone and you take the batteries out of her cell phone (no point in having her boss spoil everything).

Sometime during the week you figured out an activity you both really enjoy (or used to enjoy) where you can talk and hug and kiss a lot. As you are living in Sweden renting a boat seems like a good idea to me. You book a boat for Sunday.

On Sunday morning you inform your child that he/she is going to spend the day with (insert relative).
You tell your wife to put on some outdoor clothes, you pack a picknick bag and off you go. Do not tell her where you are going.
Make absolutely sure that her mobile is not working. Take yours instead. Turn it OFF, in case of an emergency you should still be able to use it.

Spend the day on the boat, enjoy the day, talk a lot. This will work best if it is not raining and you can luy on the deck and sunbath. Do not talk about your relationship and sex early in the morning. Just enjoy each others company. Maybe find a nice island for having lunch. How about a swim?

If she asks you, why and when you arranged it, don't get into any details. Tell her that is something you always wanted to do.

Assuming all goes well you might bring up the idea of outdoor sex. But only if YOU feel like it and she is in your judgement likely to go for it.

Do not expect that you will have sex that day or that night. But it seems to me that reestablishing some intimacy would do your relationship some good.


I did a similiar thing recently, though not because I wanted us to resolve any problems. We went climbing though and it was most enjoyable.

One more thing I want to tell you. Do not use the word confrontation when talking or thinking about a conversation. Not even in your own mind. You are in this together, there's no point in making her feel bad.


Keep us posted.