[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi jackie,

I think people can certainly lose the way and get into a rut...

I think you enjoy it once it's started and orgasm, and that's the way it should be, nothing at all wrong with you.

Looking after 4 kids, cooking, cleaning, means it's mundane, day to day "chores" and you see sex therefore also as a "chore".

Can you work at date nights? Where someone comes over and looks after the kids, you two get dressed up and go out and remember why you met some 14 years ago? It's highly important to date, it's important to get dressed up and feel pretty, sexy...

Also we live in a different world now Yes, he works full time, but so do you.

Perhaps he can bring takeaway once a week, or use the bbq and cook for you all, whilst you have a relaxing bath, with candles...

You both have to get back the fun, laughter, and work together on this....

I am sure he's tired, but so are you.. And, he would love sex, and I am sure you would love to look pretty and have him tell you so, without any motive

[jackie4]

hi chandlers wish

thats really good advice but we always say right we will make a point of going out once a month together but it never happens , his always to busy or cant be bothered

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well you are two people, not one

If he loves you he HAS to work with you..

Is this one sided then?

Are you trying to please him in any way shape and form but he can't compromise?

It's not about sex, remind him yet again, it's about whom you both were when you met and let's get that back.. Use physcology ... he wants something from you, you want something from him, if he wants more sex, you want more romance and help

[Hopeless Dork]

If sex is important to him, but not important to you... the biggest factor to making your relationship work will be compromises. He gets what he wants half the time (sex) and you get what you want half the time (peace and quiet) I think if you have sex with him all the time when you'd rather not it will make you resentful... and if he never has sex with you it will make HIM resentful.

Also when you say no, he should respect it and not make you feel bad.. And when you say yes, you should respect it and not make him feel bad or guilty for wanting to enjoy sex with his wife... the whole 'k, fine hurry and get it over with thing'.

I imagine you want him to be faithful to you, and I'm not saying you not having sex with him will give him the right to cheat... I'm just saying if you expect him to be faithful and not want sex with others... yet don't want to have sex with him either... you are kind of saying to him... "your stuck". Not the fairest or kindest thing to do with someone with a sex a drive.

If his needs involve more sex and you are willing to address his needs... your needs should also be addressed. Communication is the way to make this happen. If you enjoy cuddling and affection that doesn't lead to sex you need to tell him this. That sometimes you just want to be held to be held with nothing else, that you want affection from him that isn't considered foreplay by him.

If you need sometime to yourself to go to the gym, to join a book club, to lunch with friends or go to a spa... you need to tell him that, that you need some time to be jackie so that you have the energy to be mom and wife.

Nothing will get better without each of you talking about what you feel, what you want, what you need, what you could try more, what you could compromise on and what you can't etc.

[tesoro]

hi chandlers wish

thats really good advice but we always say right we will make a point of going out once a month together but it never happens , his always to busy or cant be bothered

Jackie, it sounds to me like you are being taken for granted. He is counting on the notion that you will always be there no matter what. What does he mean by always being too busy or "can't be bothered". You are his wife and he better make time for you and your needs or he will wake up one day to find that it is too late to control the damage. You need to start communicating with him in a new way so that he can actually understand how serious this situation is. Don't allow him to treat you this way. He will just think it's fine with you....and obviously you are unhappy. Life is meant to be enjoyed...you deserve to enjoy your life too. Shake things up a bit and see if you can get his attention.

[Texasred]

hi i have felt this way for about 3 years no im not on birth control as i had an op 6 months ago , i had a tumour on my ovary and had everything removed...

Could this be it?
If by "everything," you mean ovaries and all, could it be an hormonal imbalance? Do you take any meds for hormone replacement?
And would you consider mentioning this to your doctor, asking if you should be tested, and if low levels of one hormone or another could cause a lack of sex drive?

Aside from your husband's remote behavior - which frankly could simply be his defense mechanism, having been turned down so often - is it possible there is a medical reason for your lack of interest?

[kat252]

yes i have heard that viagra works well for low sex drive in women
i think doctors should se it in the same way as they do impotency for men- in the fact is can be a genuine medical problem
ive aways had a low sex drive and havent done it for last 12 years- and have been happy- my mum hasnt done it for yonks and never has wanted it- i think she did it for first night of her new marriage and has avoided it ever since- now shes divorced and she will never meet another man because they all seem to want sex.
dont think you are alone- i think there are millions of women out there like you
it depends what you want- if you want to enjoy sex again then id look to talking to the doctor about it and kee changing your doctor until you find one that knows a little about it, i have had friends who have had ramants sex drives- when ive never had much of a one- its not fair is it. the less you have sex- the less you will want it- unti it shuts off completely. bt dont have sex just because your husband wants you to- dont go through the motions just be cause you think you ought to be sexually active- because its ultimately soul destroying.
but i would look into that viagra- though- im not a doctor ok so im not telling you to go and get some your doctor should be able to advise you- but this is what ive heard

[jackie4]

thank you all so much , i have now made a doctors appointment for the 17th sept , wish me luck

[WildChild]

I think flat out that healthy people have an interest in sex. We are made for it physically and emotionally - its part of how we connect and interact. It's more than just reproduction. Diet, exersize, attitude, emotional conditioning and socialization all play a roll. No doubt people have varying levels of interest but no interest? There is something wrong. Get tested, get as healthy as you can be. Sex is one of the joys of life, we've turned it into all sorts of things that are anything but fun and joyful. We need to reclaim it.

[Hopeless Dork]

I am glad you are going to take the inniciative and see a doctor. Sometimes when ppl don't have a drive, that whole apathy towards sex lends itself to apathy to doing anything about it so its a vicious cycle. By going to a doctor your breaking it and will hopefully get some sort of treatment that brings you back to the woman that enjoys pleasure and being close and intimate like before.