[WildChild]

I've gotten guys to cum without getting inside their pants - when we were 14 or 15. As the mature a bit they aren't so easily aroused or so fast off the mark. I don't understand what you think you might do to bring him to orgasm without 'getting into his pants'.
You say he has rarely reached orgasm with a woman because his mind interfers? So he has been sexually active in the past? But is doing the no intercourse thing now? Or is he a virgin?

Now many women can orgasm without even being touched (so can men -that's what a wet dream is) but aside from that usually some sort of contact with the clitorus is needed. What is it you are expecting him to do?

[waya]

This has almost always been a problem for him. He doesn't have the same religious beliefs I do but he respects my commitment to mine. No, we're not on the same page but I think my limited experience makes it hard for me to guage. We have spoken very openly about these things but his actions don't seem to match his words. If I knew it was because he didn't actually care that much I would just forget it, but if it's because of his own sexual issues/insecurity I don't want to punish him for it.

[WildChild]

I still don't understand what it is you are expecting him to do?

[waya]

WildChild, I said I don't get into his pants not that I don't want to lol. That's what I was talking about with his body language, I try to go off his cues so he doesn't feel intimidated. Yes, he's been sexually active before but stopped for a while. I expect us to stimulate each other manually without any clothing barriers and we've talked about it like it's going to happen but it never has. That's the problem.

[WildChild]

So you want to get naked, use hands or tongues to get off?

I really don't get and never have understood the whole no sex/virgin thing. How is pleasuring each other ok but intercourse isn't? I thought most patriarchal belief systems didn't really support sexual pleasure or interaction and forbid it outside marriage?

I'm baffled.

[waya]

Yes

This is why I didn't want to bring religion into the discussion. Suffice it to say my religion/spirituality is very uniquely my own and I don't try to bind it on anyone else

[WildChild]

Well I guess what you are looking for is a sort of hyper foreplay. I've done that. It can be fun.
I'm lost to as to how performance anxiety would come into play.
You might check out the book, One Hour Orgasm, it deals with getting each other to orgasm using your hands. Essentially you take turns being the giver or receiver and focus or attention solely on the role you are in. In other words if you are receiving, then receiving is ALL you do. IF you are giving then giving is ALL you do.

The authors offer a number a things you can do to arouse and bring the receiver of either gender to orgasm using your hands. This may help in that he could follow what is essentially a script to pleasure you and you can return the favor in the same manner, which since you admit to being somewhat inexpereinced, may be very helpful for both of you.

[waya]

Thank you. I do have an instructional book or two but...he has to be willing. I'm lost, too, that's why I asked lol.

[WildChild]

Why don't you take the matter in hand, so to speak and start by doing him?

Give up the idea of him initiating and you initiate.
The book has some lovely instruction for setting the mood and getting things started.

[jr]

Wow! There's a lot going on here.

You say you have a high sex drive. What is he doing to satisfy your sex drive?

As for his anxiety and challenges he's facing....being without employment sucks...especially for men. As we believe, from the time we are little kids, that MEN are measured by the work we do. If we don't leave the cave, kill something and drag it home every night....we have failed! Feeling that we have failed can impact many areas of our lives...frequently physical intimacy and the inability to perform, up to standards we have set in our own minds, is impacted.

We think to ourselves that since we can't "perform" in society...ie: work....then subconsciously, we can't perform anywhere.

I think it's fine that you focus on your sexual pleasure needs and allow him to focus only on them as well. Don't worry about his needs right now. Think, don't worry, just about your own. Unselfish men get a lot of pleasure out of pleasing their partners. I know I do and quite frankly, I wish my partner was a little more selfish about her needs (wants sex everyday at least) and wouldn't think so much about mine.

As HD points out above, Guilt can also play a big part in performance anxiety.

How long has it been since you and your partner have had a knee to knee conversation about this? That might really help both of you.