[kristalyn_04]

Sorry CW I posted that before I saw yours about the thread being taken over... let's carry on with the original topic.

[Casey715]

well now lanabear, now I can answer. I have never had a woman just be a PIA in my life. If anything my wife would say I am the pain.

Now, do I get a bit...overboard? I feel if I am taking the time to give my thoughts, they should be my honest thoughts. It might look like I defend the other side of the conversation, the devils advocate, if you will. No, I want the mans side to be heard just as well as your side. And I don't want anyone to feel I am being unduly harsh, but I'm just not really a soft person. It's me, casey, and this is how I communicate. I try not to overanalyze what I say because if I do, I will soften it up a bit and I fear it will take away from the point. But trying not to hurt your feelings, then it is hard for me to tell the entire truth. See? I'm not trying to be a PIA, just the opposite. I want you to have my honest opinion. Am I shallow and think my opinion is more worthy than anyone on here? No. Sometimes I feel I get ganged up on, but thats OK for me, I can handle it. I just hope my view can help sometimes. That is why I am here. More for me, but sometimes to help if I can.

[Casey715]

me too sorry

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry CW I posted that before I saw yours about the thread being taken over... let's carry on with the original topic.

Now that we've all posted at the same time, let's do that .....

I'm sure Lana can send a PM Casey if she wants to further reply to your post...

Back to the OP's thread on topic......

[Casey715]

I think being spontaneous helps keep a relationship fresh. I live in a town of 2000 people, so there is nothing here to do. Going out of town, an hour for us, is something that usually has to be planned. But we still find ways to keep it different and we really enjoy these times that much more. I think another one is trusting your SO enough to go out with friend at times. Not all the time, or even very often, but at times. My wife has friends come back to town she was friends with in H.S. I was around these friends, as we were H.S. sweethearts, but she likes to have time alone with these girls. When she comes home from her night out, I always get a big thank you.

[Bellalla]

Maybe this is a bit harsh, but I personally think that any man who doesn't intuitively understand wannabe's 3 basic points is going to be challenged in the bedroom and in terms of relating to women period.

As for my insights:

1) don't settle

I have my theories as to why, but settling seems to be a rampant and problematic part of most 20-somethings and 30-somethings lives especially. A close friend (who is definitely settling) recently got into an argument about this with me; she exclaimed how loneliness is a powerful motivator when it comes to committing to someone "good enough."

BS I say.

I've settled. I settled for a handsome, successful, charming, lovely man who adored me and was a wonderful partner and would have been a great husband. That's why we got engaged. We both knew that we were great to each other and for each other, and our friends and families raved about how great a couple we were.

I realize in retrospect that it was the loneliest I have ever been in my entire life.

I loved him. He loved me. We had a great life, but neither of us felt compelled to shout of off roof tops how insanely grateful we each were for the privilege of being with each other. Neither of us felt overwhelmed with the feeling that we would give anything to ensure the other's happiness.

Every once in awhile we cross paths and we each have such a profound gratitude and respect for each other because we had the courage to cancel a wedding, walk away, and stand up for our own and each other's happiness.

They say that "cold feet" is normal, but statistically so is divorce, so take that for what it's worth.

We are both now married to people we both see as our true loves, and although I don't tend to shout off roof tops, I have been known to shout off of mountain tops

2) When it comes to sex, nothing is more important than talking about it.

Awkward, shmawkward!
If I reflect on the "sexiest" sex I've ever had, it was when I had the least potential to feel embarrassed. I believe that for women, the key to amazing sex is the ability to open up and just feel everything, which simply isn't possible when feeling self conscious, nervous, insecure, etc.

I know women who avoid certain positions because they hate the "farting sound" that is produced and feel embarrassed...I always wonder what kind of impoverished sexual dialogue they're sustaining with their partners if *that* is something they feel embarrassed by??!!!

Talking through the nitty gritty of sex DOES NOT kill the mood or ruin the "mystery" of it. On the contrary! Opening up about sex opens the doors to all of the mysteries that sticking your head in the sand has kept secret from you. There's a whole universe of sexual pleasure out there that not talking about it keeps hidden from you.

I used to hate talking too much about sex because it always seemed to end up with me being asked to wear something stupid or do something embarrassing. That's because I wasn't talking about it honestly, I was still just using conversation to keep up the pretense of some erotic image that I thought my partner wanted me to be.

Talking about sex means discussing insecurities, likes, dislikes, fears, sensations, embarrassing anecdotes, desires, quirks, bodily functions, EVERYTHING!

Try it sometime.
It's seriously awesome to feel like NOTHING could possibly be embarrassing. You might be surprised just how much your partner adores everything about your body and making love to it, even the stuff you think is gross and awful.

3) Why bother *not* having sex?

Everyone knows that having sex regularly is more difficult when work, stress, kids, whatever, takes over your life. Sex is often the first thing to suffer the moment life intrudes.

Why do we let this happen?

Well, the same reason we don't exercise I suppose. It takes effort.

I won't make this insanely long post insanely longer, but if you haven't settled (which is a whole other issue when it comes to sex drive) then I recommend reading the lovely little novel "Just Do It."
It's the author's telling of how he and his wife of 14 years (with 2 young kids) decided to have sex for 100 days straight.
It's revealing how they had to learn creative new ways to prioritize their marriage in order to sustain their sex life.

okee dokee, those are my procrastinating from work "insights" for today

[Rediscovered]

Bellalla, I really enjoyed reading what you wrote...you described my own situation in a lot of ways (except I married that first man and stayed that way for 20 years--good for you for realizing it before you made the commitment).

But everything you say is so very important and I would venture to say that if you *can't* laugh and talk about everything with your lover (bodily functions, EVERYTHING) you are probably not with the right person.

[WildChild]

Bellala and Rediscovered, this is so true if you are walking on egg shells it probably best to walk away

[WannaBee]

Thank you Bellalla for sharing your insights the go way deeper than the profane:

"Don't do anything that the SO might seriously dislike."

I especially like your third point, couldn't agree more.

As for your first point, I understand that this comes from your personal experiences. I however would like to add that noone is perfect (not even me; what a shocker ). So you can always wonder if there isn't someone out there (somewhere) who would be a better "fit" (I lack a proper word here..., am not a native speaker).
The point I want to make is: "If you are both deeply in love, then there's absolutely no point in wondering what might be."

Let's go back to point three

[Colorado]

BRAVO Bellalla - BRAVO!
Couldn't agree more!

Your post should be printed and posted above everyones headboard.
Too many folks are way too insecure about themselves and their lives (and that of their spouses/SO's) suffer because of it!