[Bellalla]

I see a problem with ANY kind of sexual guilt trip, and the fact that it's something he knows makes you suffer immensely, I'm really, really bothered even thinking about it too much.

I had an ex who did the same to me, and it took years to get over it enough to try anal again, which I now love, but only after my husband and I took it very slow and in a very trusting and loving way.

[tinycit]

Another example of why constant open non-threatening communication between you is so very important. You both have to know all the little intimate details of what makes you tick sexually. Your deepest desires, your needs, your fantasies, your fears, etc. You must not be afraid to communicate. It's one of the most important parts of a loving relationship. Your guy is now terminally confused and you're BOTH suffering. Let him know that you want to do anything and everything to make sex good for him too, but NOT by doing anal. You've giving your butt a break. Close the door on anal, but open it up with eagerness to do other things. Personally I'm a really big fan of both oral and manual stimulation, but whatever.

[JustHormonious]

WC - I have to say, I love your insight on this one... Well said!

[Casey715]

Man I just love how it's always, 'if he doesn't respect you, you should leave.' Why is this always the first thing out of your mouths. What happened to love and commitment? Because they can't work out this ONE thing, she should leave him. WHAT??? Come on!! Is he being selfish and goading her into doing something she doesn't want to do. Yes he is. Is it the end of the world? I really hope not. If you left everyone who didn't respect everything you did, it would be a lonely place. I don't think she is logging on and asking if she should leave her man. Yes, in this regard, he is being a butt. But I hope there is more to this relationship. If she didn't care for the guy, she would have already booted him. She obviously loves him or she would not put herself in this place. Don't tell her to leave just because of ONE thing. Ladyluck1, your m8 asking you to do this, after you express your dislike of the act, is not a kind thing for him to do. My wife is not a fan of anal sex. She orgasms from it almost every time. But its painful when we start and she doesn't enjoy the after effects at all. I know that if I never asked for it again, she would be happy. This is not a secret. It is a displeasure she has voiced many times. I know she does it JUST to pleasure me. Yes she gets an 'O' from it, but it does not outweigh the bad in her mind. So knowing this, why do I still ask her to do something I KNOW she would rather not do? Who knows why we do what we do sometimes. Perhaps because it is a bit taboo, its different, or a little nasty. Do I know she doesn't like it, yes I know this. But lets get down to it. Why do I still ask for it? ............ (Sigh)..... I guess because I am selfish. I know ALL the reasons she doesn't like it. Heck, I've let her do it to me, and I defiantly don't like it. So why do I push it? Like 98% of the time I am playing around when I bring it up. In the back of my mind I guess I am hoping she will be in the mood for it and say yes. I may bring it up 5-6 times a year and get it 2 or 3 times. Because she wants to pleasure me. Because I am selfish. Now, if she sat me down and told me to never again try or even ask for anal sex, sure I would be a little put off but ultimately I would respect her request. Is it stupid that it would come down to this, yeah. I really enjoy it. I can't help that. Ladyluck1, maybe you could try it like this. Set down at the table and tell him, "Absolutely no more. I'm not doing it to be uncaring or mean, but it hurts so bad and I don't like it. So no more, seriously, no more." Should it have to come down to this? Who cares. If you still love him, relationships are about give and take. Show some real emotion and have a real heart to heart. If you love someone, don't be afraid to open up. THEN, if he keeps on, yeah, leave his sorry butt.

[Guest]

Casey715

For me, it's the abuse. Abuse of her and their relationship. And what happened to love and committment....from his side? IF he loved her and IF he was committed to her THEN he wouldn't ask/demand/expect her to do something she does not enjoy.

She asked for our advice, whatever "advice" means to every unique and different individual here, and most people came to the same conclusion.

Asking for it 5 or 6 times and receiving it 2 or 3 times per year is significantly less then the situation she appears to be in. Ask your wife to put herself in this woman's shoes and see how she'd feel about you if you were in his.

The guy is thinking of himself to the point of abuse, so it's time for him to go.

I would rather live the rest of my life alone then be abused by a partner who "loves" me. Yes, it's that simple!

[rcoreyus]

Casey - I think it is OK to occasionally do a sexual favor for someone, as your wife does for you. The original poster seemed to really dislike anal a lot. Her SO seemed to want it so much that he was willing to make her really unhappy in order to get it. I just don't see how that can work in a relationship. Different types of sex are important to different people. I don't think you can change someone's sexuality, so if two people are incompatible I don't see any reason for them to stay together. I (and many others here) can tell from experience the misery of being in a long term relationship with someone where you not not sexually compatible.

[ladyluck1]

i hear what everyone is saying here. its not enough on its own for me to leave him over but it does put a negative spin on the sex thing sometimes! the thing is he quite likes it done to himself so i cant pull the "how would you like it??" routine! nor can i think of anything else he would dislike enough that i would enjoy doing to him as payback or as a comparison! its the psychological warfare i dont like. its not about my unhappiness, its about my "deception" and "power trip" over the situation. he has admitted its a dominance thing he enjoys & he has a very dominant & controlling nature outside the bedroom so i feel he is mostly peeved off i have tried to take complete control over something, even if its my own (edit) , & he doesnt like that one bit! he has some serious issues im not going to get into right here but the fact is i love him & what hurts more than the actual anal is the disrespect i feel from someone who i've tried to give everything to...

[Casey715]

Well ladyluck1 when put like that it sounds really bad. I'm not saying its not enough to leave him over, I just want people to give real effort instead of just giving up. Clearly it seems you have been trying with no luck and all looks bleak. I feel bad for you and wish I knew what to say to help you change this situation, but perhaps the others are right and you should find your way out of this relationship. Just be careful, if he has to have the power, then leaving will definitely not sit well with him.

[ladyluck1]

believe me, i HAVE been trying!! its not like we are married or have children or anything like that to try & keep us together. its effort & tolerance that keep this thing together! ideally it would be good to offer something else instead, the power of distraction shall we say, like toys or lingerie etc. unfortunately this dilemma has killed off a lot of my enthusiasm & half the time i really have to motivate myself to go through with basic contact at all. he always initiates proceedings & almost need to stifle a groan when fronted with offer. the answer is always no in my head but for the sake of avoiding another disappointed comment or look from him i oblige 99% of the time. to be honest i do feel better afterwards but i believe it is more relief that it is out of the way rather than gratification! he always tends to my needs ensuring me a big O but honestly i really have to put my mind to it & dont care in the least if i miss out on the rare occasion he is too tired.
thankfully i think i have killed off most of his drive for anal but he doesnt understand how debilitating it had become to my feelings towards him & my motivation for sex, even tho i carefully explained it to him a few times. i dont mean offence to any male here, but i tried to explain that most women connect emotion to sex whereas men can tend to detach themselves a lot easier & are generally in the "mood" no matter what their mood! so he needs to give me a chance to recover my feelings & enthusiasm. which almost kicks in until he asks for anal again!!!!! he thinks its wrong to connect emotion to sex, i say i cant help it!! if i could disconnect like that i'd probably go sell my body & make a lot of money!

basically i just needed some kind of reassurance from others that i had not done the wrong thing by "misleading" him into thinking i liked it in the first place then revealing that actually, no i dont really like it, i liked the fact YOU liked it & i wanted to give you something special. i dont understand why he thinks i'm being manipulative, its not like im trying to use it as a weapon or tool of leverage, i just dont like it!!! i think he is being manipulative in turning it back around on me but as he is a master of twisting things around i really needed input from others that i had not distorted the facts myself? i believe there should be a little more caring involved & if something comes to light it should be taken into consideration, not thrown back in the persons face with anger... its not like i've cheated on him. i believe i dont deserve his resentment.

[rcoreyus]

OK, lets make this simpler: You have done nothing wrong. If this particular sex act is so important to him that he is willing to make you suffer for it, maybe you would be happier with someone else.